You are here

We Need a New Word for Ourselves

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 12:15pm

Forums: 
Bio Child Free Zone

As a childless stepparent, I do not consider myself a parent. I may co-parent with my husband (verb), but I am not a parent (noun). Does that make sense?

This distinction is important to me; it helps me maintain clear boundaries for myself. Since my stepchild has two involved parents, there's no need for me to be a parent.

I am not a parent, I am not a mom. I am something else. I wish we had a word for it. Any ideas?

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 12:18pm

What I'm trying to say is that "stepmom" doesn't work for me because I'm not a mom. "Stepparent" doesn't work for me because I'm not a parent. We need a new word for ourselves!

daysleeper's picture

Submitted by daysleeper on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 5:25pm

I'm "SO's partner". My titles have nothing to do with his kid at all. Smile

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 12:20pm

Yes, I agree Starla, "stepparent" works better for me than "stepmom" (too much baggage surrounding "mom" when I'm not a mom!). But it's still not accurate. I wish there were another word altogether!

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 12:38pm

When you refer yourself as a stepparent to another, does it feel like your saying your a prison guard by their reaction? I avoid using that word talking face to face with others due to that. Someone will ask if I have any kids for example and I tell them "no but my husband has two teenagers".

I like your post BTW

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 8:46pm

"Does it feel like you're saying a prison guard by their reaction?" That's funny, Starla. I know that's a common reaction, but I haven't noticed it yet. Mostly, it's me who's uncomfortable with it. It's the "mom" part of the label - I really care about my stepchild, but I'm trying to distance myself from feelings of being "mom" in any way - for my own peace of mind.

I like your solution. That's great. Wonder what to day when the stepchildren are around? Maybe "this is my husband's daughter"?

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 1:02pm

I am a mom but I am not the skids mom - so I agree even in the fact I have my own bios I am still not mom to the skids - so stepmom doesn't apply to me either in my opinion.

Being called mom in that sense implies that I do mom things for the skids - which I do not. It also comes with the expecation that I am supposed to do mom things for the skids which I disagree, they have a mom who should do mom things for them.

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 8:48pm

Thanks, 3familiesIn1. Good to know you think it applies to you even though you're a mom.

Honestly, the reason why I'm looking for a new term is not because I don't do "mom-ish" things for my stepdaughter. I do. Less than I used to, thankfully (she has two involved parents).

The reason it's tough is because I'm trying to mindfully let go of the part of myself that always thought I'd be a mom. I think for the past two years I've tried to place that part of myself on my stepchild. That's not good, not for any of us. So I must let go. It would help if I had another label for my role!

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 8:49pm

I understand. Do you think prejudice against stepfathers is as bad as it is against stepmothers (ie, the Wicked Stepmother)?

(BTW, hilarious: my husband's former wife dressed up as Cinderella's wicked stepmother for Halloween.)

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 2:04pm

I have no bios of my own either.

I'm DH's wife. I rarely ever refer to myself as a SM or to DH's kid as my skid. She's DH's kid.

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 8:50pm

Shaman29, thanks for sharing. I'm actually surprised at how many of us childless stepparents don't refer to ourselves at "stepmom."

Krispey Kreme's picture

Submitted by Krispey Kreme on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 2:13pm

Non-parental Unit?
Parental Unit's Paramour?
NTP! (Not Their Parent!)

I prefer that SD call me by my first name. I refer to her as DH's oldest daughter or by her first name. SD wasn't/isn't much of a daughter to DH, she wasn't a sister to our bios and she certainly never was a daughter to me. I don't feel she's earned the right to call me Mom and I find I resent it when she tries. I'm not proud of her and don't try to imply that there is any connection between us. When she was young she couldn't even call me by my first name, it was "Hey You" or "Her or She". When BM croaked a few years ago, SD started trying to call me Mom. Oops, no. Decades too late SD. Just call me Krispey, or Mrs. Kreme if you want to be formal. Better yet, don't call and I won't either.

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

Submitted by Clearly An Upgrade on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 4:31pm

^^^ LIKE!

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 8:52pm

Krispey Kreme, you crack me up! Non-parental unit, that's pretty funny.

Since you're a mom (sounds like you and DH have children together?), does it make sense that even if you were close with your SD, it would be painful to have her call you "stepmom"? It's hard for me as I try to let go of the part of myself that I always thought would be a mom. My stepchild has a mom. I am not a mom. I am something else.

Maybe that's it: "Something Else."

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 2:09pm

My son's son is absolutely nothing to me. I use SS here because it is easier but I have never thought of myself as a stepparent or stepmother.

AngeLily's picture

Submitted by AngeLily on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 5:44pm

I've heard people refer to themselves as the "skid's father's wife" before. Reminds me of when my mom used to refer to xh as my first husband, while we were married. lol.

childlessSM's picture

Submitted by childlessSM on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 8:55pm

AngeLily, your mom is funny. Yes, I think I'm comfortable introducing my stepdaughter as "this is my husband's daughter." But what can she call me? We get along great, and she calls me by my first name and refers to me as her stepmom. I don't want to get in the way of what works for her, but I do want to find another label for me to use.

mimi719's picture

Submitted by mimi719 on Sun, 01/13/2013 - 4:51pm

I've always said Stepmom, but I'm enjoying being disengaged and I want no part (blame) for how these kids turn out. I'm their dad's wife, I guess.

Ha, I'm Ms. Manners. I do still expect good manners, but their schooling, lying, general asshole-ness that nobody discourages - no longer my problem.