This seems impossible, can I really survive? bd with 2 little kids and absentee bm
I have bs6 and bd3, I love them so so much, but life is so so hard. Their mentally unstable bm and I split a couple years ago, partly because of her constant neglect of the children. She would spend most of her time with them watching tv, and they'd have to repeat themselves 5-10 times (literally) to get a glass of water or anything else from her. She knew that I would never let them go to a distant relative, let alone a foster home, and since she's lazy and neglectful she just gave them to me. She sees them for a few hours every now and then (during which time she sticks bs6 in front of the tv every single visit even though it's their rare time together!!!!), but me and my wonderful gf who lives with me and the kids have them almost all the time.
the holidays were so hard - with schools and daycare closed it was like a nightmare, the opposite of a vacation, to have two little kids 24/7. Babysitters are so much more expensive than daycare, and my closest family is 2 hours away. I feel like I could financially support my kids, or take care of them, but doing both is just ridiculously hard. My savings are dwindling, I do a worse job at work, I'm moody, it puts a huge strain on my relationship with my sweetie, I just don't see how it is possible to do this double job and stay sane. I would be so happy just to have 50/50 custody, whether weekends or weekdays or alternating weeks, if she weren't so neglectful, the kids are crazy every time they come back from a visit, i just cant in good conscence try to convince bm, not that she ever would anyway, so its double impossible.
im so fucking bitter about bm, and sometimes i even feel resentful of my kids. its not their fault, but gf and me are giving up so much to take care of them, all because bm is such a pathetic emotionally broken fuckup. i so wish i could go back in time and slap some sense into myself not to start a family - an 18+ year commitment to deep shared responsibility - with a chronically depressed partner. i feel like im going to suffer from that mistake for the next 15 years, and sometimes i dont know if i can handle it. im seeing a therapist, and making slow progress, but it doesnt help the endless grind of work-kids-work-kids. there's no therapy or drugs for that. and i hate having to pay for childcare for every hour of free time i want. thank goodness bs6 is old enough for public kindergarten at least.
i feel like its even worse for us dads, we arent given credit for parenting.
its depressing seeing steps on here commenting that they never would have gotten involved with a guy with kids. are happy blended families possible? i feel like my gf is a total hero for dealing with my baggage, but how long can she be superhuman, especially when people here say it gets worse not better as the skids get older. is my whole life ruined? will I never have a relaxing weekend again? Be able to have a job which requires travel? Be able to go on an adult vacation? Have a normal adult relationship?
Even with this hell its still worth it to give my kids a loving home with a bioparent, i could never be so selfish as to abandon my kids like their bm. i just hope its just hard and not impossible to live like this. anyone else out there have an absent biomom and multiple young kids? how do you cope?
Someone just posted a really
Someone just posted a really similar situation in another topic area from the step mothers point of view and I replied so I am going to say a few things then copy and paste what I said to her ok?
First off, congratulations for being a dad who cares! So many women in the world are left by babies daddies and have to do everything on their own, it is not nearly as common for men and so that makes it harder for you to find support. You are trying your best so good for you! I have been on this forum daily since I found it and I feel it helps immensely because a lot of people here are going through or have gone through the same things.
I know how you feel about the resent and not being able to do things, I find myself wishing many times that my fiance never had his kid because our life would be so much more peaceful and I think happy. I dont know if he feels the same way and I would probably never say it to him but my guess would be yes. But, he already had his child with psycho BM, and so did you, that was your guys' decision at the time and at the time what you wanted. So theres no use crying over spilt milk. You gotta own up and deal with it. You should be VERY happy BM isnt causing more drama in your life as she very well could!
That being said I think you need to have a conversation with your GF and let her know how you feel and that you need someone to take the mother role of your kids. If she is happy and willing to do that then it will make your life easier. If she doesnt want that then dont force it on her and maybe it is a deal breaker. There are women out there who would be willing to do that, I'm not saying that I am one of them but for the right guy I would try(and have). I have just now agreed to step up my parenting role so crazy BM will stop harrasing us all the time the 50% that SD5 is with us. As a stepmom I would MUCH rather deal with an absent BM than a controlling and drama queen one.
now here is the part I replied to the other poster:
Not in my current relationship, but in a past relationship of mine my ex boyfriend had a 2 year old son and was separated and going through a nasty divorce that ended up being realllyyy drawn out because of BM and I eventually left him because of all the stress it caused me. But yea, BM left the baby with my ex about 90% of the time and went out partying and worked as a stripper. She was fighting tooth and nail in court to have full custody ONLY to piss off my ex (which she GREATLY succeeded in doing on a ridiculous level, my ex developed anxiety disorder and panic attacks from it)
BM would show up and take her baby whenever she wanted and my ex felt he couldnt do anything about it because per the court system they had 50/50 custody. After a few years of fighting in court and LOTS of documented proof and help from his family my ex finally got full custody. But that is really hard to do usually because most judges always want the mom in the picture as much as possible no matter what.
BM then got remarried and moved to China! when her son was older he would go visit her there. Shes now divorced again and back in the us but my ex still has full custody to my knowledge.
I would say count your blessing that she isnt on the other end of the spectrum and obsessing over the kids and calling and bothering you guys 24/7(like my current BM does to us and it drives me INSANE)!!!!!!! As long as you are comfortable with taking on the mother role to the kids they wont miss out on loser BM, (my ex's son sure as hell didnt and he is a great kid then and now) Once they are older she may decide she wants to be in their lives a bit more, but like I said I'd be happy as hell she isnt bothering you guys.
Thanks for the appreciation.
Thanks for the appreciation. We dads dont get it much, it seems.
I am glad that BM isn't causing even more drama in my life. it would be worse if she was fighting for custody to neglect them, like some stories ive seen on here.
GF has steadily taken on more and more over the course of our relationship, and she gives the kids some of the maternal care they don't get from bm, she helps a lot. But she works, and I need to work too, she can only help so much.
There are certainly a lot of
There are certainly a lot of mothers who are in the same boat as you are but one thing seems to be in their lives that you're not mentioning and that being child support. It would certainly help and I would sue for it even if you don't think she can afford it. If she is treated like a man would be treated the judge will tell her to get a job, pay the money, or go to jail.
No TV in jail.
There is no easy answer for you. The mistake was made, the kids exist and you've got to care for them one way or another. Finding a woman to live in would be a miracle sent from heaven but most women willing to do so will have children of their own and outside employment also.
Lots of pluses and definitely minuses which are called step-children from your point of view. Still its the only solution I see to give you some respite. I have to add that I'm of the opinion that children are better off in single parent homes as opposed to step-parent homes but there are exceptions and successful step-parent or "blended" families.
bm doesn't make enough money
bm doesn't make enough money to pay child support, she's living on what she got from me in the divorce. Sure would be nice, though.
Finding a woman has been a miracle sent from heaven. She's my angel.
^^Ditto this. Being a parent
^^Ditto this. Being a parent is a lot of work. Especially if you want to do it right. I've raised mine pretty much on my own for ~15 years. Yep, it was a lot of work. Involved a lot of choices that I didn't really want to make. But, ones that made sense. e.g., I was working 1 1/2 hours away. When I calculated in the amount I was paying for before- and after-care, gas to/from work, clothes for work, etc.? It made more sense for me to take a lesser-paying, more casual job locally. (And yes, before it's mentioned - when he asked for a CS mod, I asked to be imputed at the higher income due to my choice.) The job I took (and am still at) is 15 minutes from home/schools and I have a very flexible boss. So I could take off if one of the kids came down sick, or if there was a conference, game, performance. I could actually parent my kids, rather than having someone else do so.
Yes, your social life suffers. I WOULD suggest that you follow above advice in setting up a regular date night w/your g/f. But the days of spontaneous up and out are over when you become an F/T parent.
Yes, your financial life suffers. I WOULD file for CS if their Mom isn't contributing. Whether she pays or not, it will be on the books. And whether she pays or not, you will likely have to scale things back and/or reprioritize. BUT... kids learn what they are taught. It is your job to teach them that "things" are less important that people. Than personal integrity. Work ethics. How to compare prices and look for deals. It really is all doable. You just have to wrap your brain around it.
Yeah, I know being a parent
Yeah, I know being a parent is a lot of work. Which means when it gets harder, wow, it's really hard!
I'm fine doing without a lot of "things", but basic childcare, health insurance, etc seem to cost quite a lot.
Welcome to the life of being
Welcome to the life of being a single parent. I did it for years, as do many, many others.
I don't understand resenting BM, but certainly don't understand resenting your children. I have never felt that way... my children are a blessing, and while it's been a ton of work and financial expense to do it on my own, I am grateful for them every day.
I can't offer any advice on that.
As for making things a little easier, you can try to file for CS from your XW. You can look into daycare at places like the Boys & Girls Club in your area. They are often VERY cheap. Check your local YMCA, too. Keep in mind you're getting a tax benefit for what you pay, too. And, the best part, it is temporary. You won't always have childcare costs.
I would suggest revamping your thinking. You and your GF aren't giving up so much because BM is a POS. You are giving up a lot because you're a parent, and that's what parents do. No one is forcing your GF to do anything. If she CHOOSES to sacrifice, that's her choice. I would HIGHLY suggest you have a good, long heart to heart talk with her. If she is one of those women who WANTS to help and WANTS to take on the "mom role," then that's one thing. If she's not that type of person, you are likely only making things harder for yourself in the long run.
BTW, my XH not only left me with our 3 biokids, he also left me with his older BD, my SD. I took care of all 4 of them on my own when he left.
"I would suggest revamping
"I would suggest revamping your thinking. You and your GF aren't giving up so much because BM is a POS. You are giving up a lot because you're a parent, and that's what parents do."
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
"Anyone else out there have an absent biomom and multiple young kids? how do you cope?"
Sure, there are tons of people out there that are single parents, both men and women. If your family lives two hours away, I'd seriously think about moving to be closer to them to have more support.
My advice is if you want your GF to help out with your kids I'd stop with the oh woe is me crap because she is going to get tired of hearing that real soon. You are not the only single parent in the world, and certainly not the first male single parent in the world. TONS of single mothers do exactly what you are doing, the only difference between them and you is that you have a penis.
What about sending the kids
What about sending the kids to family for a weekend, so you and your g/f can get some alone time? Even when we lived on the other side of the country, my Mom (or Dad) would come out for a few days/weekend, and that always included watching the kids so we could get a night out. Same when we came out to visit.
At the end of the day, parenting requires sacrifice of all kinds. You chose to create these kids, and now it's your responsibility to take care of them. Crazy Mom is moot, to be honest.