What I've Learned as a Childless SP
I've been a SP** for two years. My husband shares 50/50 joint custody of his 10-year-old daughter, and we get along well. My husband supports me and we have a solid marriage, thriving careers, and a peaceful home. He is a great dad and handles his ex as best he can. My situation is pretty much as good as it can get, I think, and yet there are days when being a childless SP is the hardest, most painful, most challenging thing I've ever done.
Stepping into this role has been both rewarding and humbling. Over the past two years, I've analyzed things from top to bottom, strategized with my husband, talked to my therapist, and changed my approach - all with the goal of finding some peace.
Here's what I've learned along the way (with some help from members of this forum!):
1. My husband chose his ex-wife to be his child's mother. He and his daughter will have to deal with the consequences of that.
2. My husband is aware, but the unhealthy dynamic between him and his ex-wife continue. That's something the two of them will need to work through.
3. I am a childless stepparent. My SD has two involved parents. I don't need to take on a parenting role. The more I do, the more resentful I feel.
4. I am not a mom. The part of myself I thought I would give my child as a mom has nowhere to go, and that's okay. I will not force that part of myself on my SD.
5. I will be kind to my SD. I will support my husband in his role as parent. I will not involve myself in issues with his ex. I will contribute - on my own terms.
6. I will enjoy being childfree. I will remember that I am a wife first and a SP second. I will create time and space for myself. I will remember myself.
** I've realized that I'm more comfortable calling myself a stepparent than a stepmom. A small thing, but calling myself a "mom" in any way brings up all kinds of baggage. I am not a mom. My SD has a mom. I am my husband's wife.
Very insightful, well said!!
Very insightful, well said!!
Excellent!
Excellent!
As a childfree SP myself,
As a childfree SP myself, this was lovely to read.Thank you, I've bookmarked it.
My husbnd has one adult son.
My husbnd has one adult son. This forum is the ONLY place that I ever refer to him as my SS.
I've told DH that I will never be his parent even though his mother will have almost nothing to do with him.
First of all I am about 40 years older than him. I'd be more like his step grandparent if I chose to identify with him at all.
Very well written! Have you
Very well written!
Have you thought about getting a dog? I know it sounds silly but my two dogs are life savers! They are my babies.
Not silly at all! We have two
Not silly at all! We have two lively cats and are getting a dog this spring. My husband and his daughter want a tiny little dog and I want one I can hike with. It's part of getting back to who I am and what I enjoy doing - as a childfree woman.
I hope it's clear that I care about - and love - my stepchild, but I am finally coming to grips with the fact that I do not need to parent her since she has two involved parents. If I'm not going to have the joys of being a mom, I'm going to make sure I enjoy my free time. Does that make sense?
My dog helps me a lot with
My dog helps me a lot with the pain of not having a baby!
OD, what do you mean "as a
OD, what do you mean "as a man" it's impossible for you to disengage without totally withdrawing? Just curious. And very happy to see a stepdad on here!
Dogs die in a few years....
Dogs die in a few years.... Depending on the breed, it can be from 8-18 years. My beags average 11-14... That's hardly "a few". Yeah, they die. So do people. SO why get involved with people?
It's interesting that you
It's interesting that you mention the part about dogs dying. Is that a guy thing? My DH resisted getting a dog because "it will die." I was like uhhhh...and? I have been so sad about not having a baby that I pushed and pushed until I got my puppy. She annoys the crap out of him with her spazy puppy behavior, but he loves her very much!
I've seen Forums with what
I've seen Forums with what they call "Stickies" or similar Threads. The Thread stays at the top of the pile of newer Threads and often is closed so nobody can make comments. The point is anyone who enters the "room" see it first and usually a comment is made that they should read this first as many of their questions can be answered right there.
This should be a "stickie".
Wow, thanks OCC. I've been
Wow, thanks OCC. I've been reading here for a while and always find wisdom in your comments. I'm puzzled when people take offense because, the way I see it, you offer clear and honest feedback. Sometimes people don't want to hear it. It's hard. I get that. But I do value your insight so a "stickie" suggestion, coming from you, really means a lot. Thank you.
I like it and agree this is a
I like it and agree this is a good list to keep in mind!
I too swear by my dog. I can't decide if I will have another after this one as she is the only one I have had, but right now she is the best thing getting me through all this!
It is confusing when you are a new stepmom, and the dad acts like he wants you to parent, but then the skid and BM do not want you there at all. To me that shows that the dad has moved on in his life, after being rejected by both of them! but the BM/SD in my case are bitter and jealous, and pissed off that DH doesn't dance to their tune any more. Oh well!! tough shyte!! :evil:
I did get in many of the ideas in my SD I would have wanted in a child of my own, (music lessons, big reader, education, you are not the center of the universe, some manners but not nearly enough!) despite the face that I am a stupid bitch idiot, and oddly she now acts like they are her idea (she is 21). Whatever!! Gotcha, you freak !!
I also feel that, I must have had some ambivalence myself about having kids (I am way too old now, almost 50). I always dated men with commitment issues, then when a couple did get serious I realized oh I would never marry you, but there I was dating them? I think it is pretty common that if you have commitment issues of your own, you may follow that same pattern?
so I did have choices and this is the one I have made, by default in a way, but I feel ok with it. I mean ideally I would have done it all but just wasn't ready in time I guess, so sue me!
Take care and enjoy your holidays!!
Sorry I posted in the wrong
Sorry I posted in the wrong form and now I can't figure out how to delete!
That makes it so much easier
That makes it so much easier to handle what I'm up against. Thank you. And yes, I do have a dog. He's a 6mon bichon.
I have learned......that any
I have learned......that any disrespect or passive-aggressive moves from SKIDs towards me is not my loss, but their loss. Their loss of any warmth and love from me only to be replaced with indifference and disengagement, their loss of the beautiful and wicked gifts that I enjoy buying for them, and their loss of having a fun and awesome role model to look up to in their lives. I'm far too fabulous to be disrespected by anybody.
I'm new here and this made me
I'm new here and this made me laugh so hard thank you
and yes I am far too fabulous to be disrespected by anybody - this is my new motto! }:)
Thanks! That's a huge
Thanks! That's a huge decision, and I understand why you're anxious to make it and move forward. I have no children of my own, but I would offer that having your own child will definitely require you to invest in the family more and it will change the dynamic with your stepchildren - but it's still important to make that time to "entertain" yourself! Have you talked with members here on the forum who are moms and SMs?
I totally get why it would
I totally get why it would seem weird for you to call her your SM when they married when you were an adult. I find it lifts some of the pressure of me to call myself a stepparent.
Your points hit home! Very
Your points hit home! Very well said.
AnaR, I'm happy to share
AnaR, I'm happy to share what's worked for me. Basically, it means taking a step back and letting my husband handle things. I help when he asks, I listen when he needs it, but otherwise, I do not parent. I remain a positive presence in my stepchild's life, though! Today, for instance, while her dad is out of the country on business, I'm picking her up for her usual "visit night" with her Dad. That supports him and her by keeping her schedule consistent. Here are a few posts that might help illustrate. Sending good wishes your way!
We Cannot Care More than our Stepchildren's Parents
http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com/2013/01/02/we-cannot-care-more-...
The Childless Manifesto in Action
http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com/2012/12/28/the-childless-steppa...
Brilliant post - and all hit
Brilliant post - and all hit a chord. I too have a dog, and she is my child beyond doubt. I never call the skids my skids, they are always my partner's kids. SD referred to me as stepmum once to a third party, and I think my eyes probably popped out of my head in horror!
I had a lightbulb moment over Christmas when I realised that it wasn't the skids that were a problem (too much) but the way that SO treats them that winds me up. Isn't it strange how these things suddenly look more rational with a different light on them?
Thanks, SunnySkies! I know
Thanks, SunnySkies! I know just how you feel when it comes to the difference between the stepchild and how their dad interacts with them. For me, what causes me turbulence is how my husband handles his former wife. But that's why I need to take a step back, breathe, and let it go! That's his relationship to manage, not mine. There's such freedom in that.
Wonderful! While I'm not in
Wonderful! While I'm not in your shoes (I have a daughter myself but not with DH), I follow the same principle when it comes to stepparenting.
Thanks, RedWingsFan. I
Thanks, RedWingsFan. I wouldn't describe myself as disengaged, though I've read about that technique. Would you?
I am, I know that much. I do
I am, I know that much. I do NOTHING for SD14 - NOTHING. I used to...but it always came back to bite me in the ass and she's proven that 1). She doesn't deserve it and 2). She doesn't appreciate it. So I quit putting myself out there to be trampled on.
I think you're SMART. However you want to label yourself is your choice, but I label you one smart cookie.
Why thank you! I guess I
Why thank you! I guess I wouldn't use the label disengaged for myself, but I understand how it makes sense for others. It's really hard to jump in and care for a child and then have that care rejected or unappreciated. I'm sorry you had to go through that! Here's a post where I tried to explain the balance I've found: http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com/2013/01/03/not-my-kid-not-my-pr...
I was all for having a great,
I was all for having a great, loving friendship with my SD in the beginning and tried my hardest with her. She was ok at first, and then when she realized I wasn't going anywhere and was going to be a serious fixture in her dad's life - all Hell broke loose. She was a Mini-wife to him and viewed him as HERS and I was a threat to her. So, she became hell-bent to break us up and do anything possible to achieve that.
When we moved in together, it got worse. Then even more so when we got engaged. She stopped visiting altogether when we got married last June. DH forced her hand in October last year and she stated she wanted to try and "rebuild" their relationship. That lasted all of a week when she decided her mom's boyfriend was just way more fun (in other words, spent a ton of money on her, took her to dinners/lunches, movies, arcades, etc) and dropped her dad again. He even spent Christmas alone without her (even though they'd agreed in Oct that he'd stay home and have her over). Long story but it's been over a month now since they've spoken and frankly, I am glad she's not coming around anymore. She just causes drama, chaos, hurt feelings and pain.
Not my kid not my problem,
Not my kid not my problem, are the words that I live by. Not because I don't care it is because I do care. I use these words to remind myself of my role. I love fsd12 and fss15, but I am not their mother. They have one and I need not to take on so much that I forget they have a mother and father.
"I don't need to take on a parenting role. The more I do, the more resentful I feel." You are very wise to understand this, too many step parents get in over their heads. Then then feel unappreciated, used, very much taken advantage of, and very tired. It then puts a strain on the marriage, or relationship which should come first. The person you love and wanted to spend your life with becomes, the person you resent because of THEIR child/children.
I love and do the things I choose to do for them out of love and respect for them and my FDH with no expectations in return, except common curtsey and respect which is what we expect from anyone who is living or visiting our home.
The mom is always the mom no matter what, she can be selfish, crazy, lazy, a drug addict, whatever, the mom is still the mom. I am not her. Children have unconditional love and want approval from their bio parent this is normal.
If my future step kids look back and remember that dragonfly was always there, consistent, kind, encouraging. I will be happy, all I have when I am gone from this world is what I have invested in others. I hope I remember to invest well.
I have re-read your blog entry several times. It makes me smile. It is good to see a woman who knows who she is and is comfortable with herself. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, thank you dragonfly5.
Wow, thank you dragonfly5. The things I've learned sound so commonsensical, but they were hard-won realizations for me. I did jump in and did way too much, considering that my stepchild has two involved parents. I've since stepped back and it's so much lighter!
I agree with you - if my stepdaughter grows up to think that I was "there, consistent, kind, encouraging" - that would be great.
May I ask if you want children of your own? I think that's another factor that can complicate things. It did for me, anyway. I had to let go of this idea of myself I've carried my whole life - me as mom. I am not a mom. I am something else. And even though there's a child in my life (every other week), there is still no place to put that part of myself. That's been tough, but a powerful thing to realize and let go of.
Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing your thoughts! It's great to know I'm not alone.
I wrote these down! Thank
I wrote these down! Thank you!