I feel your pain! I am in a similar situation except that my husband is here and won't discipline her! She gets mouthy, refuses to do anything she is told and lies. Just recently we discovered that she was lying about spending every night during Christmas vacation at her friend's house, when in fact her friend was in a whole other state for the week and my stepdaughter was staying the night at a boy's house every night. (She doesn't turn 17 for another month) Although my husband told her she was punished for 3 months, she walks out the door anyway and he says, "What am I supposed to do, she won't listen." If I say anything to her, I hear, "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mom." Her mom has not seen her in well over a year, because she is a low-life piece of **** I am at my wits end because I refuse to let her get away with this behavior! I worry about the example it sets for my younger children! She does not have a driver's license yet and thinks she is getting it next month when she turns 17. I do not feel she is responsible enough to get it, nor has she earned it, however, I know her grandmother (my mother-in-law) will take her to get it because she coddles her, no matter what.
We have tried taking away her cell phone, and computer but it does nothing to stop her. I am thinking about the advice above, stripping her room of everything. I wonder what calling the police when she walks out the door will do. I just can't stand living with her anymore!

spanking a 15 year old is ridiculous. i think if anyone had tried that with me at 15, they would have gotten knocked down. and i was not a confrontational or asshole teenager. but for real. i would not have taken that.

once they bleed, the spankings STOP...I have a 13 and 14 year old...and here's what we do..a boring lecture is always first while they stand there wishing to sit down...then punishment is dependant on the crime..always starting with loss of ALL electronic goodies...and becoming Cinderella across the board just for acting up as at their ages, they know better...then the punishment is to be fitting of the crime...if she talks back Automaticaly no supper..NO CHILD in our house that disrespects us gets supper that day and they go to bed IMMEDIATELY...no questions asked, we buy their food...they are rude and disrespectful they do not get our food, period....needless to say after one or 2 times each (we have 4 kids) , they quit it REAL fast. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars....now for instance, if they steal they HAVE to pay the money back out of their own money in either paying back actual funds OR giving to charity...we always start with charity first. These are just some examples and its always adjustable based on the kid..if they do one thing more often the punishment should be harsher, not something really an issue for them, let them more off the hook with a warning type deal. Mind you our 14 year old is my technical SS our 13 year old our daughter. We do ALL punishments the same for all kids, no changing up for SKids... Also you wont damage your relationship so long as your being FAIR..yes they are going to get pissed at you, they are supposed to, but always give fair warning FIRST as to the outcome of their decision to act up, then if they choose to ALWAYS START WITH "didnt we warn you?" and when they say "yes" well then " You made a CHOICE now you have to deal with the consequences". You arent dealing with a baby or even a toddler here your dealing with a young woman of sound mind making choices she shouldent be. Treat her as such. Good luck!

I want to weigh in on your method of discipline. I have to agree. I have never even heard of someone spanking a teenager. I also agree with the person who,said find what matters most to them, then take it away when they behave in ways you don't want them to. I have twin step daughters 17. I'm fortunate because while we have our moments, we have always gotten along. That said, we have had our moments and they have certainly had moments with their Dad. I think each kid has to be treated differently, they respond to different things. We can take a cell phone from one of our girls and while she doesn't like it, she's not torn up,about it. Take TV from her and life is over. Take the phone from the other and she almost can't function, TV....who cares. So...my first suggestion is that your method has to change. Look at it this way.....is what youre doing working?

Not to loose sight of what you asked for help with. Which is when you're alone, how are you going to,deal with her? First, decide on a thing or two,different to try and get backing from your husband to do them. Not lip service, but real backing. Then do them.lchange how shes disciplined, girls day out....whatever...Now this is the hard part....I would ask her if I could talk with her. You've been around her for several years now. If you could...just put yourself out there and be honest with her. That you know her life hasn't gone as she probably had planned and that yours hasn't either. But if you two could just find a way....ask her what she's thinking and how she's feeling. Don't get defensive....just listen. Then I'd consider that a good start and tell her you'd like to think about what shes said, then talk again. Wait a day or so, then I'd take another run at it and tell her what you're thinking and how you feel. Then ask if you guys can talk again. I know it sounds a little staged but talking together and not at each other takes work, but can become a new habit if practiced enough. You two can't help by get closer if it works. Anyway, these are the things I would try.

Good luck with her.

When I was 15 I still got spanked. When I was 18 I still got spanked. When I was 20 I was a smart ass to my mom and she popped me in the mouth. Needless to say, I don't mess with may parents at 32. I have a good time with them, joking around and spending time together. We have a healthy relationship. But my parents have always said that I would never be too big to spank and I respect that.
Spanking isn't for everyone. My husband didn't do much of it but when his kids were way too out of control he would spank them at 16 and 17. It's more about how the relationship is between the parents and children. Spanking works for some and not for others. You have to make that call.

I agree with dtzyblnd on striping her room of anything but the mattress. But you will have to stand firm and force the control. Be prepared for her calling your DH and her aunt but it sounds like you have a great relationship with both so she won't win that fight. Be prepared for her to threaten to "run away" but it is just to make you back down. And if you know a cop it would be a good idea to get them to come over in uniform and talk to her when she has her next tantrum. If I were to call the cops for anything other than a child who threatens me bodily harm then I would get a ticket. Our cops here are too lazy to help parents out with a good scare.

If all elese fails send her to a convent. Lol! Just kidding!

Take all of her electronics and items in her room and also add these:

Does she have a facebook account? Next time she acts out force her to make a poster and then take a picture of her holding it standing by you. Have it say something about what she has done. Then make it be set as her profile pic and type a status that explains what she did wrong and that she is very sorry. Change her password so that she can in no way delete it. Leave it for all her friends to see. When you feel she has been punished enough, give her the password back.

There have also been parents making their kids wear t-shirts with the parents face on it and a message like "I have really dissapointed my Dad, Ask what I did" and they wear it for a week. Making them "look" bad to their friends works.

I don't think shaming a kid is ever a good tactic. JMO.