Resenting DH and SD because I can't have my own baby
Just a little background: I am 27, DH is 30, SD is 4. I have no biological kids but I would love to have children. DH and I got married this past April and I always planned on having kids after marriage but our 1 year is approaching and we are no closer to being ready to have children together than we were when we got married. To make a long story short (I have went into detail in previous posts), DH has a crappy job and cannot afford his share/his kid’s share of the bills. I am basically supporting them both. No, I didn’t know this when I married him as people like to say—DH’s hours were cut but he is making NO attempt to find work or to get an education so that he can get a good job. I have even offered to pay for him to go to school and watch his kid while he is in class but he refused. I pay well over 50% of the bills even though his kid lives with us 50% of the time and I feel like HE should be the one paying more. Anyway, how this related to having a baby.. well, 1. He can’t afford to support a child so it would all fall on me which is completely unfair, and 2. We only rent a 2 bedroom house—SD takes up our 2nd bedroom—so we literally have nowhere to put the baby. If SD were my bio, I probably wouldn’t think it was as big of an issue and would just put a 2nd bio in the room with her; however, I feel like my baby should have his/her own bedroom, especially since I am the one paying for everything. I want to decorate a nursery and do all the things that I would not be able to do with SD in the room. So that pretty much sums it up—I am not about to get pregnant with DH not being able to provide for his family or even provide a bedroom for the baby. Yes, I work and I make decent money but why should I pay for everything? I am becoming extremely resentful of DH and SD because I can’t have my own child. I look at them together and I just can’t stand the thoughts that go through my mind. Why does he get to be a parent and I don’t? It’s just not fair. We agreed that after we got married we would try for a baby but I am not going to put myself and my child in a bad situation. Have any of you dealt with anything like this?
I'm trying to get past the
I'm trying to get past the fact that you "can't" have a baby because you want to decorate a nursery and can't because SD takes up the other bedroom...I could understand if you couldn't afford to feed another child...but, really?
Anyway, the problem is that you married someone who isn't pulling his weight. You can either figure out how to motivate him and/or threaten him with divorce or decide that you want to be in the role you are...the one usually reserved for the husband/bread winner. Because if you don't accept it, and he doesn't change, you will forever feel the way you do, and it will eventually kill YOU, not him.
If he doesn't do anything more to get a better job, figure out how much of the bills he should have to pay. He should be paying for half (at LEAST) of everything, plus 100 % child support (whether it's to bm or her needs at your house). If he can't cover that, let him get another job. If he can, but then there's "nothing left"...too bad. You are enabling him by paying more than your share.
Well, aside from the fact
Well, aside from the fact that I think I have every right to want to decorate a nursery for my first born child, SD is starting kindergarten in September and I don't think it's a great idea to have a newborn in the same room with her. Plus the room is small as it is and SD's crap is everywhere. Don't see how that would work out for either of them.
I feel like I am enabling DH too.. we've already been down the road of me trying so hard to motivate him.. I have threatened divorce.. Everything I can think of.. But nothing has changed. It's been going on for a while now. We have other issues too (as does every couple), but not having my own child is definitely a deal-breaker.
You are absolutely right. I
You are absolutely right. I hate making threats but that was just me trying every possible thing I could think of. I've tried being extremely nice and supportive and motivating; I have also tried screaming at him and calling him names (not proud of that). Nothing works with him.
I wouldn't take a chance on
I wouldn't take a chance on this guy. He could find work, you have a kid or two, and he falls off the employed wagon. Now you're really stuck.
Get out of this and find a guy who is motivated to care for a family yet has no kids of his own. There are a million guys out there in your age group. Why settle for second best when with a little more effort you can have a shot at a nice family of your own.
This relationship is doomed in the long run, don't have kids.
Just out of curiosity, where
Just out of curiosity, where are all these single men with no kids? Because I have not met ANY! :O
They are all behind their
They are all behind their computers, addicted to porn and online "dating" roflmao
Right lol, I think if you are
Right lol, I think if you are late 20s or older and have never been married/had kids, you must have some other issue that may be even worse!
Actually, I am 35 and have
Actually, I am 35 and have never been married or had kids. I chose to get my education and some work experience under my belt before deciding to do either. For the most part I am a normal, functioning human being. There are plenty of people who chose to do the same thing I have and I have dated numerous men in their early thirties and even late thirties who didn't have prior marriages or kids because they chose to put themselves first and get their educations or occupations where they needed to be before having children. It sounds to me like there are some issues here that you need to deal with, both with your spouse and yourself and don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to get married young or have children. The question is why are you letting this man, with no motivation and no desire to make a forward step in his life drag you down as well? You are talking about not putting yourself or your child in that situation, but you are talking about a hypothetical child who is not even in existence yet. This man has a two year old child he doesn't support and it sounds like he doesn't parent much to boot. Do you really want to drag yourself and another child through that? I would give him a timeline. Tell him he needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life and start making steps or you will, right out the door. Trust me when I say this, though, there are plenty of people out there who chose/choose not to get married or have kids because they want their lives to belong to THEM for as long as possible, because once you get married and have children, your life never belongs to you again.
lawyergirl06-- I completely
lawyergirl06-- I completely understand you wanting to finish your education and have time to yourself first because that is the same thing I did. I went to college and then grad school and now I have my career and the only thing I am missing is a baby. Unfortunately, I have not met many men who are the same. The men I met in college were all taken and the men I met outside of school had babies. Guess I got the shitty end of that stick.
I hear ya. I ran into the
I hear ya. I ran into the same problem, but I lived in a very small town before moving to where I live now. I still met men who didn't have children, but it was a lot harder to find.
20 something, childless men
20 something, childless men can be found on college campuses and in college towns.
Right, I am choosing not to
Right, I am choosing not to have a baby but I don't even really see having a baby as one of my choices right now.. So I guess that's why I say I "can't".. because I would never intentionally get pregnant in the situation we are currently in.
I guess the reason I am really wanting to start having kids is because I do feel like I am at that age especially since I would like to have more than 1.. Also, I purposely waited until I finished college and grad school, had a career, and could support myself and my baby (unlike DH obviously). A baby is the only thing missing that I want but do not have.
But I completely agree, getting pregnant with DH right now is not a good idea. Just trying to decide how I should go about things-- I don't want to wait around forever for something that might not happen.
Yup, that's me. I have been
Yup, that's me. I have been weighing these options for a while now. If I had a daughter, or even a friend, who was with a man like my DH, I would not understand what she saw in him or why she would want to stay either, and I would most certainly advise her to leave. I really cannot explain what it is I see in DH, as dumb as that sounds. I just feel like the things I'm asking of him are NOT huge things-- I don't see why it is such a problem for him to get a job and support his family (I don't want his money for myself- I make enough on my own- I just want him to pay his share and his kid's share).
And I completely agree about the single mothers-- my best friend (mother of my Godsons) is a single mother of 3 boys and is much better off without their POS father!
"You're confusing the word
"You're confusing the word "can't" with the phrase "choosing not to". You COULD have a baby, but you are choosing not to...right now, anyway."
Yep. You (OP) kinda come off as a little spoiled and entitled. There are people who truly can't have a baby... If you are waiting for everything to be just so...it will never happen.
I think there are other issues that bug you that are coming out as you post. You have a big decision to make and you need to decide where you will draw the line before you walk.
You think I'm spoiled because
You think I'm spoiled because I expect my DH to provide for his family? Really?
"I feel like my baby should
"I feel like my baby should have his/her own bedroom, especially since I am the one paying for everything... I want to decorate a nursery and do all the things that I would not be able to do with SD in the room... I am not about to get pregnant with DH not being able to provide for his family or even provide a bedroom for the baby. Yes, I work and I make decent money but why should I pay for everything?"
Yes.
I guess a man could say the same thing. "Why should I pay for another bedroom because it's what YOU want?" Obviously you and your dh had a different idea about how things should work, as he doesn't have any problem with you supporting the family. You are the only one who has a problem with it, and don't want to pay for the things you are wanting...
I watched It's a Wonderful Life twice this year, and noticed when George went to see his sick little girl in her bedroom, there were 3 beds visible in that room, one being a crib.
Figure out what really matters to you and go after it. But wonder why decorating a nursery is so important to you...
Ok well decorating a nursery
Ok well decorating a nursery was just 1 example that I threw in the post.
How am I supposed to bond with my baby and go to his/her room at night for a feeding when SD is in there? I mean I just don't see it. My brother and I shared a bedroom growing up (until we got too old for that) but we are only 3 years apart so it worked. Having a 5 year old who has to get up for school in the morning and a newborn baby who is waking up every 2 hours throughout the night in the same bedroom just does not seem feasible.
How is it spoiled or entitled
How is it spoiled or entitled to have an education and career, help your husband raise his child from another woman, and simply want a room for your own baby?! Is it entitled that her stepkid has had her own room this whole time instead of sleeping on the couch since that's how much daddy paid for?
Thank you, SteppingAway! That
Thank you, SteppingAway! That is exactly the way I am thinking of it. I think my (future) baby deserves his/her own room because HIS/HER mother is the one paying for everything!
I also think you shouldn't
I also think you shouldn't rush into having kids with him if you're having serious, serious doubts about his aility to provide as a father.
Your issue is not about the room or the decorating, but about the fact that he doesn't seem to WANT to pull his fair share.
There are some things that I don't care about but that DH cares about, and vice versa, a successful partnership means we both make an effort to care about what the other person finds important, even if we don't. Please think about that before you go ahead and have children with this man.
Right, it's about DH not
Right, it's about DH not pulling his weight. Like I said, I am pretty much supporting him AND his kid so of course I am going to be resentful.
I completely agree that having a baby with DH right now would be a horrible decision. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here because I have established that we "can't" have a baby in our current situation, yet DH doesn't want to do anything to change it, and not having a biological child for me is a deal-breaker. So is there anything else I can do besides leave my husband?
Do you really want to spend
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this? Think about it, you only have ONE life, are you willing to waste it on someone whowon't put you first?
Let me give you an example: I had a huge blow up with my DH a month and a half ago, over finances for a bio of our own. He had a knee jerk reaction (mostly because he thought I was just going to file CS and leave--even though having me file for Cs so we can be guaranteed a portion of his income that BM can't touch was his idea) in which I took it that he didn't want to have kids with me, so I just told him to forget it, I don't want kids with him, and one day the desire for a bio of my own will outweigh my desire for this marriage. He immediately calmed down and freaked out, because he wanted to have a baby with me more than anything--so even though I told him never, I wasn't going to put myself through that and let the fact that BM exists taint his experience of fatherhood, thereby tainting my experience of motherhood, and he begged me to reconsider for weeks, AND he did everything he could to prove he was more than willing to provide for our family, not just verbally telling me.
He sold most of his valuables (without asking me or letting me know at was what he was going to do) and put it away in a "baby" account, and began taking out a portion of his income every two weeks into that account, and finally presented it to me, and told me that even if I didn't want kids with him, he wanted to treat it as if we were going to, in case I ever changed my mind in the future.
I love my DH because what is important to me is important to him (and turns out I was already pregnant anyway much to his joy) and shows that he values this marriage, and it is his top priority.
There are good men out there. Good, good men. You might have to search a bit more, meet a couple more douches, but don't ever settle for less than what you need to be happy.
Are you sure he even wants
Are you sure he even wants another child?
There has to be a reason why he isn't trying to increase his income.
Actually, that's part of my
Actually, that's part of my issue. DH SAYS he wants a baby; however, he does nothing to make it happen. He knows just as well as I do that he can't afford what he has now, let alone a new baby. He also knows I do not want to get pregnant until we move into a house with a bedroom for the baby but he says he doesn't want to move. Do you think he is (somewhat indirectly) saying he doesn't want a baby? I mean he SAYS he does, but we all know actions speak louder than words.
Give him ways to make that
Give him ways to make that possible. Have him save up with you towards your dream goal. If he won't do that, tell him he can talk the talk, but if he can't walk the walk, then forget it.
Actions speak louder than
Actions speak louder than words.
Do not have a child with this
Do not have a child with this guy. Nothing will tie you down more like a ball and chain to this guy than a mutual baby.
Don't forget that babies are incredibly expensive. What you are paying for him and his SD.... will double once you have your own kid.
I personally think no bio-kid should be birthed in ANY step-situation, no matter how much income both parents make. Just my opinion.
I'm new here but your last
I'm new here but your last comment strikes me as being pretty insensitive. Why should the rest of us have to give up on dreams of parenthood just because there are already children in the picture?
I know, I feel crappy because
I know, I feel crappy because we haven’t even been married a year yet and we are supposed to be enjoying this time together and it has honestly been nothing but stress and anxiety for me. I really do love my DH but I don’t see how I can live the rest of my life like this. Why am I the one who always has to compromise? Why am I the one who never gets what she wants? Why am I always put last? It’s just not right.
Thank you for understanding!
Thank you for understanding! I am a very driven, motivated person and I have always had goals and I have always worked very hard to accomplish them. My DH is the complete opposite. He has an entitled attitude like he should just get a good job and make good money just because he exists. The hell. It’s such a turn-off. I have tried everything to get him to go to school and do something with his life. I don’t have anything against someone not going to college, but in his case I think he needs it. I have a friend and her husband started his own business out of high school and is extremely successful. However, my DH isn’t motivated like that. I don’t even care if it’s college, just some type of training or SOMETHING! I even tried to get him to take a certificate program and he just won’t do anything. It’s exhausting. I don’t feel like I should have to do this, and yeah maybe I am in the wrong for expecting too much/trying to change him, but come on now. I am sick of supporting this manchild and even worse, his kid.
I gave my DH an ultimatum and
I gave my DH an ultimatum and a timeline. And packed my bags so he could see I was serious. He's been compromising ever since.
I'm afraid that you will get
I'm afraid that you will get the short end of the stick if you have a child with your husband now. Well you already are but it is tough especially in a blended family situation. Do you know why your husband lacks motivation? IE your husband owes back child support and its automatically taken from his pay checks...
Who would take care of your baby if you sadly passed away if he is the dad? He already has a daughter that he lets another support. There are several men out there who are motivated and who would give the world to have a happy/healthy family with the right woman. Security is important when considering bringing a baby into the world. Even if you were to have an accident and can no longer work, who would pay the bills?
Your going to have to follow your heart with this one.
DH says the reason he doesn't
DH says the reason he doesn't try to get a better job is because of his record (he has a theft charge, which I did not find out about until recently). Yup, just keeps getting better and better.
If we did have a baby and something happened to me, I honestly have no idea how my child would be taken care of. I mean I'm sure my other family would never let anything crazy happen, but I should be able to count on the baby's FATHER. This is so depressing!
Yup, I found out about the
Yup, I found out about the theft charge (which is about 5 years old but still I think I should have known about it) and also the fact that he used to be a DRUG ADDICT (I have another post about that one) all after we were married.
So he had no problem in
So he had no problem in keeping a big secret. That is essentially a big fat lie. How can you trust this guy at all? He's a con man who is taking advantage of you. You chose to marry the person he presented himself to be, not the man he really is. Cut your losses. There ARE men in your age range who are single and childless, men who took the time to become well-educated and get settled in a career, who will tell you the truth. Dump this loser.
Firstly you are not selfish.
Firstly you are not selfish. Just because you have waited to establish yourself and not just decided to have a "accidental" crotch dropping does NOT make you a bad person. Also what I have noticed is if someone has a baby and the spouse feels rejected then everyone is super sympathetic yet if you feel your dreams have been shafted because of someones bad choices namely reproducing with something that should have been sterilized at birth then everyone calls you selfish and not the adult! :sick:
Thank you. That's exactly how
Thank you. That's exactly how I feel, like everyone thinks I'm selfish/immature because of what I want. I think THEY are the ones who are selfish/immature for bringing babies into the world when the parents aren't even together and cannot financially support a baby. Smh. I could have gotten knocked up like all these BMs, but I CHOSE to finish school and start a career and wait until I had done some things that I wanted to do for myself and until I could financially support myself and a child. Now I am at that point. I have done what I set out to do; the only thing missing is a baby. I have my education, I have my career, but I want to be a mother.
I really sympathize with you
I really sympathize with you and can't believe people are calling you selfish. "Selfish" is letting someone else support you like that and taking no steps to contribute!
I have a lot of friends that are young moms and I always feel like those of us that were responsible (maybe in some cases lucky too but still) always get treated like we're less mature because we haven't given birth, it's infuriating.