Stepmom has turned Dad against us now...

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Me, My Sister and My Brother are all adults with a Stepmom. Dad married her 25 years ago, after leaving our Mom. They were married 27 years. We were already young adults when this happened, so none of us were actually raised by the Stepmom. Everything has been good, you know, respectful, cordial etc... She has always been a bit insecure, not wanting my Dad to have contact with any of my Mom's family or even attend functions for the Grandkids IF my Mom was going to be there, (even tho my mom never caused any problems).

So this past year my Mom died. And of course, Dad didn't show up for visitation or anything. Ok fine, we didn't expect him to. But since then, our Stepmom has acted kinda weird. She's been more quiet than normal. Also I might add that her own 2 sons, don't show her near the attention that we do, to the point that they don't even always show up for holiday meals etc...

Ok Here's the dilemma. A few weeks ago, on Thanksgiving day, We all went up to Dad and SM's house for dinner. We had a great dinner (as far as we knew). Then later that night Stepmom even posted on facebook that Thanksgiving was great and she loved everyone. Ok so then 3 days later, She posted a thing on facebook saying how Thanksgiving was strange, how the kids all acted funny, how no one ate HER cooking, and she's never wasting time and love again. Well as we all seen this on facebook we were shocked and stunned. So of course we tried to call and find out what was going on... Dad was mad at us... he said we all got together and developed a scheme to deliberately not eat her food and he isn't speaking to us until we apologize, and he Hasn't!!

Listen.. we are all shocked and stunned. We are not even that type of people to do something like that. We all have talked and each of us feels we ate until we couldn't eat anymore. Seriously.. this has got us so boggled that I am on a forum writing about it! This is our first holiday season without Mom, so maybe we weren't all as cheerful as normal or something, but they have taken this way above and beyond belief. They are leaving town for Xmas, and they are not speaking to us... All because of some "Leftover Conspiracy" created in the mind of our stepmom!!! My dad is 74 years old... We do not want a situation where he dies and never speaks to us again.

I would also like to add...

I would also like to add... No One has ever had a disagreement with Stepmom, never even so much as raised a voice to her.. Ever. We have always shown her love and support. None of us had that type of stepkid resentment that some do, about her breaking up our family etc... We have always been good to her, taking her out for birthdays and mothers day and things like that.

I can see that most of the posters here are the Step Parents... But maybe the Step parents should sometimes look at this from the Step children's shoes. Especially step children who were already adults when the new marriage took place and how difficult that can be for the children.

I am sure there are a zillion step mothers out there that would love to be treated the way we have always treated our step mom. Yet she has turned our dad against us all because there were too many leftovers on Thanksgiving day. Someone please help me comprehend this!!???
Oh and trust me, I do not totally blame her... My Dad should be standing up and saying "too many leftover?" get real! So yes, there is something going on there that is just unbelievable and we are at a loss for words and comprehension on this. : (

proof positive that hrnyc

proof positive that hrnyc sees what she wants to see and pays no attention to what is actually written. not that we didn't already know that.

I feel your pain. I have a

I feel your pain. I have a stepmother who has been in my life for 15 years, and has really caused a wedge between me and my dad. There is so much to the "story," but suffice it to say, my dad thinks she knows everything (because she thinks she knows everything), and he refuses to acknowledge the problems she has caused (along with her horrible daughter). I have never once disrespected this woman, and I have had to bite my tongue many times.

I have no doubt you ate all of your stepmom's food. It was not about the food. Something set her off, and if she is insecure it could be a little thing, or something just in her mind. Maybe she saw your sadness over your mom, and has some kind of jealousy because she does not have a close relationship with her kids. Maybe your dad said he felt bad you lost your mom, and that made your stepmom angry. Who knows....But, based on my experience, NOTHING you say will change your dad's mind.

I have never once disrespected my stepmother. Unlike my skids, who have been horrible, I have always been polite to my stepmom, even when I had to grit my teeth. She likes to give little jabs when my dad is not around. It is getting harder and harder, because of my stepsister (long story). I have no doubt that my dad would have acted like yours, and thought I purposely did not eat the food.

There is not much you can do, because right now, your dad is not going to listen to you. I know it hurts, but after 15 years, I have resigned myself to having a much different relationship with my dad.

If you are all as truly

If you are all as truly cordial as you have indicated, then why not ask your Dad to please set up a family meeting with the three of you, him and your SM. Tell him you want to do this so that you can all clear the air over what happened over Thanksgiving.

Tell him you all sincerely don't understand what went wrong, and you would like to talk it over with her. You are adults, after all. And if something was done, albeit inadvertently, it will give you all the opportunity to understand what it was and apologize in person, if necessary.

This will also give you a chance to see what is going on. Based on your description, it seems your SM has had some strange mood swings so there could be something else going on with her. You Dad may not notice because he is too close to her and may not be noticing the change. Who knows, maybe she has some health issues she is worried about and it is affecting her behavior.

On the other hand, there might be nothing wrong with her at all. Maybe she took offense at something on Thanksgiving and it took a few days to fester. Maybe she has been holding her tongue about stuff for years in order to keep the piece. In her defense, we are only hearing your side of the story.

Remember, you are on a forum for stepparents to vent. So most on here will be seeing it from that perspective. I am sure that if asked, my skids could probably find all kinds of fault with me ... as I do them. Different perspectives.

BTW, I have had a SM too. So

BTW, I have had a SM too. So I've experienced both sides.

Another thing to consider -

Another thing to consider - maybe your Dad has finally expressed some of his own grief about your Mom's death. Sometimes it takes awhile to manifest itself. And maybe your SM witnessed it,or your Dad talked about it to her, and it made her upset. That would be a hard thing for her to admit to all of you.

If she was a "bit insecure" when your mom was alive, she might be even more so upon her death - when everyone usually only says good things about the deceased. There are folks in here who have that situation - where the other spouse died - and it can be a challenge trying to live with the memory of the departed.

I would seriously consider

I would seriously consider that this could be one of the early signs of dimentia. My own mother disappeared on us right in the middle of thanksgiving. Just madder than hell at all of us. No one did anything. Looking back it was one of the first signs of the disease. Since you all seem to have gotten along quite well all these years,(and let me add, I commend you for this!) I would consider this and step gently around this subject so that no words you can't take back come up. My dad hid my mother's disease for years. We had no idea how bad it was until he died and we dealt with her on a daily basis.

This. Check into that. My

This.

Check into that. My teacher's husband flipped once in front of everyone that his wife didn't cook dinner for him the night before, which was why he was so hungry at breakfast. The thing is, we were THERE at dinner and she had cooked it, and we're not even family.

His alzheimers have now progressed to dementia. There are programs for that,

I also wonder about dimentia.

I also wonder about dimentia. This is no 'senior moment' however.

How about a card, signed by all of you, saying something to the effect of: "We're sorry about Thanksgiving". It's really easy, inexpensive and totally meaningless as far as you're concerned as you haven't the faintest idea what is going on.

But they'll have no choice but to take it at face value and after things have settled down perhaps one of you will have a opportunity alone with Dad and ask what's going on.

If any of your siblings object ask them if its worth a little loss of 'face' to keep Dad happy? Do it alone if necessary otherwise as you said he could die and your last memory is the palm of his hand keeping you away.

As some of the posters have

As some of the posters have written, we are only hearing one side of the story. We all see things through our own filters. It takes at least two people to communicate or mis-communicate.

You wrote of your SM "--- not wanting my Dad to have contact with any of my Mom's family or even attend functions for the Grandkids IF my Mom was going to be there, (even tho my mom never caused any problems)." Please try to place yourself in her shoes. As others have mentioned, your Dad is capable of making his own decisions, but HE may be the one who did not want to attend family functions with his ex-wife and her family, maybe out of respect for his present wife. Your statement shows there was some resentment toward your SM before Thanksgiving.

You wrote your SM 'acted weird' after your Mom's passing. This was an odd and uncomfortable time for everyone. Your SM may indeed be insecure with feelings your Dad may still hold for your Mom. She may have witnessed a certain sadness in him. But no one knows why but the two of them.

"--her own 2 sons, don't show her near the attention that we do, to the point that they don't even always show up for holiday meals etc..." She may feel very badly about this but may not want to discuss it with you.

Your Dad is mad at you for absolutely no reason at all? Like I wrote, I would like to see the other side of this story.

I am sure if you spoke to my SD she would tell you it that when she had her meltdown two years ago was all my fault - in fact, she told me that. She didn't seem to grasp the concept of it being rude to have muffled, sideline conversations with her husband while we were in the car or in the same room with them, or that when she blurted out nasty remarks when Daddy was out of the room I was intelligent to see it was intentional. And her husband agrees with her. During her tirade, it became apparent that SD and her husband developed a 'filtered' way of viewing me as a wicked SM - even though I honestly thought I had done nothing to deserve it.

Many of us on this site have developed our own 'filtered' way of viewing our relationship with our skids after spending years and years of failing to 'win them over' and get respect in our own homes. There are three of you. You are a related, cohesive group. She may feel outnumbered, and she may be sensing the resentment you have toward her for what you conceive as her keeping your Father from attending your Mother's family events or her funeral. I agree with other posters here. Wait a while, then try to discuss this with an open heart and mind.

Good for your Mom and Step

Good for your Mom and Step Mom. I had this same relationship with my ex-husband's wife, but this is rare. It is different with DH's ex. Shortly after I married DH, we saw his ex-wife at an event. She was cordial to me but not very nice to DH. After about 19 years of not seeing her we went to reunion where she was in attendance. It was more than obvious she was angry with me but very friendly to DH. Dh's and my roled had changed. I can only assume her mind was changed by something she heard about me. I have absolutely no desire to be around DH's ex-wife nor would I want DH to attend one of her family functions. I asked DH if he would like it if I still wanted to maintain a family-like relationship with my ex-husband and he said, "No."

I don't attend my sons

I don't attend my sons fathers family functions by my own choice. And my son doesn't expect me to. That is his time and their time. Just because my son is going to be there with them, doesn't mean my presence is required. I don't understand why after a divorce, so people (kids, families, whoever) expect life to go on as if the divorce never took place.
:O
I spend time with my family, and my SO family. And I can promise that my SO doesn't spend any more time with his ex's family than he has to. Why does it have to be assumed that its a SM insecurites that prevent him from hanging out with a family he divorced?

I do appreciate the skid point of view, however unrealistic it is. I can't believe the dad actually moved on with his life and isn't stuck in trying to please his kids, and suck up to his exs family. And at his age? My, the nerve.

I guess this could explain why us SM, new wives etc have so many problems with skids. They just don't get it. Even once they are grown.

There's the rub. . .

"Why does it have to be assumed that its a SM insecurites that prevent him from hanging out with a family he divorced?" It is amazing to me how many people make this assumption, even counselors.

When I first started doing research, I was astounded by how you kept hearing SM vs. SK, SM vs. BM, etc. It was literally like dad/ DH didn't even exist or didn't even have an opinion or point of view. So many of these Evil SM thoughts or accusations arise or start with dad/ DH. And, like someone else said above too, society has this ridiculous expectation that mom and dad can get divorced, and nothing will change!? And, even if they remarry!? How utterly assine is that. Yet, society wants to believe this, so SM yet again gets to pay the price if this doesn't play out.

I can't tell you how many SMs, like myself, continually remind their DH of SKs events, Birthdays, etc., and practially have to INSIST that DH/ dad calls and sets something up. I've had my issues with my adult SKs, but right now it is two weeks before my SS's B-day, and I find myself yet again thinking I'm going to have to remind him or he may forget. It isn't that DH's don't think of their children, etc. It is just that like a lot of men, without a partner around to remind them, these things tend to fall off their list.

No, I'm sure it isn't dementia. What it probably is is SM getting sick and tired of doing things for her husband's children and getting thought of and treated as a gnat in return, so she stopped doing it. She stopped doing it, so dad stopped doing it, as he probably never did many of those things to begin with. SM did. Of course, Evil SM is being blamed for "controlling" dad and keeping him from his children or GKs. Nope. Dad has just moved on with his wife, someone he is with 24/7. Spouses are to be together for life and take care of each other in their old age. Kids, on the other hand, are expected to move on with their own lives. Most people, including adult children, who try to come between an elderly couple in their old age do not usually fare well. And, they shouldn't. They have little to no clue about their history together. Just easier to blame Evil SM for it all vs. the divorce or mom's passing or the fact that certain things weren't handle well early on, and so on. Just easier to blame Evil SM and lose your dad in the process too.

What most people don't get is that dad and SM are married and are a couple. Treat them like a !#@$! couple, pls.!, including they get hooked up at partnered events and not bio-dad and BM. Dad is not married to BM, and they are no longer a couple. They divorced. They may be parents, but dad is remarried to some other woman now. He is coupled with her. Treat her like a bothersome zit that keeps hanging around, and you are basically treating dad the same. Dad might keep it all inside, but nothing will cause resentment to start to boil inside a man like when you treat his wife like a nonexistant being, a bothersome gnat. Then, adult SKs reap what they sow and act all shocked about it!? In most of these types of cases, not all, but most, it is simply what goes around comes around.

My bios got on the SM hate

My bios got on the SM hate bandwagon when their father recently remarried wife #3. She this, she that...I can't believe she's *making* dad do that... I reminded the kids that their father is a grown man and no one can make him do anything, I sure as h#ll couldn't when I was married to him. He divorced wife #2 saying she was "too controlling". Sure xH, she probably didn't like the fact that you spent your entire paycheck at the strip bar...but I digress.

I reminded my kids the relationship with their father is between him and them and SM doesn't have anything to do w/it. I really wanted to remind them that their father has always been an azz and this is nothing new but bite my tongue I must!

I agree with this totally

I agree with this totally Idvilen. It was something I noticed amongst a few other things written by the OP that raised flags. A lot of people when they divorce do not want to continue a relationship with their ex in anyway and ex family too. It is often just too loaded with possibilities of arguements and bad feeling. I have nothing to do with my ex or his family, but I would be civil and polite if I encountered them, thats it. My ex brother in law was the same when he divorced my sister. My DH is the same with his ex inlaws (BM is a toxic narc and to be ignored at all costs). That's how a lot of people cope with the situation and I think it is wrong of grown up kids to expect anything different. Mine don't.

Idvilen you are right. It is almost as if skids think that their father is totally a puppet of the SM. How convenient, they don't have to blame him and have someone who they don't have to care about and are not related to as their scapegoat. It's like treating the father as an idiot. True again that it is often the SM that remembers birthdays, arranges dinners, cooks dinners etc etc. An SM can never get a single vote for anything she does and she is there to take the flack when skids are not happy.

Turning up for visitation/funeral is totally your father's decision. I don't think it sounds like dementia either but im not an expert on that. I think the dinner/facebook thing might be that she was trying to be nice and pretend all was well but then something happened after that and she realised her feelings were different, so she posted a different opinion. You say 'All because of some "Leftover Conspiracy" 'created in the mind of our stepmom!!! How do you know that your father didn't also agree that you guys had been rude or done something to hurt their feelings? Although you say you had a good relationship with your SM and like her etc you have written many things that tell a different story.

There must have been something about the dinner that went wrong. I think you should write to her and apoligise if you did something that upset her and your father and ask if you can discuss it further as you would like to build bridges.

Life is too short to get

Life is too short to get upset about leftovers! If your step mum is upset then perhaps a hug and reassurance that you all loved the meal. Honestly sometimes it is worth just avoiding confrontation in these difficult dynamics. Your dad is getting on and its worth
Maintaining the peace. X

Based on past experience, I

Based on past experience, I agree - you may want to consider the onset of dementia as a possible cause of unexplainable behavior in seniors.

Dementia?

Maybe?

Sad regardless. I hope your dad can work through this and come to a clarity driven conclusion

Its not exactly about the

Its not exactly about the left overs on the table its deeper. Your dad left his wife for her and in any infedelity there is going to be some insecurites. After your mom has passed away, and she is aware all the children are grieving and I am going to bet she feels a bit guilty. Thanks giving with your mom, and everyone is quiet not eating as much and she may be feeling something is her fault but its more guilt rising unfortunately. Her guilt is becoming more insecure and unfortunately it won't go away because its not properly addressed. Your dad has also probably shown signs of...perhaps sadness maybe a bit more quiet and he may have even became upset with her during a concervsation about missing your moms funeral. This wouldn't go over well with step mom and especially anyone with insecurities. I am sorry this IS happening to you. I would honestly.. let it be for while because none of your are in the wrong. Step mom has some deeper issues that she has to work out, nobody can help. There is only one thing you can do and that is if you want to speak to her, to just apologize, for nothing but just to make peace.

I guess I wouldn’t make the

I guess I wouldn’t make the assumption that this is a case where dad was involved with future SM, while he was still married to mom. I did catch the line, “Dad married her 25 years ago, after leaving our Mom.” But, it didn’t state that dad left mom for another woman/ future SM. It just stated that dad married SM after he left mom. Was mom and dad’s parting mutual or what was the reason? Who knows? And, I think the verbiage used may actually say more about the OP than SM. We have all read on these pages where someone tries to somehow slyly imply that dad was cheating on mom with SM, even tho. dad and SM may not have even met for many months to several years after the divorce. And, stating something like, “Dad married her after leaving mom,” vs. “Dad married her after the divorce,” is clearly more loaded than the latter. The former is clearly meant to imply something that in reality may or may not really have been there. Who knows?

For me, considering that only about 10%, tops, of all SMs were cheating with dad prior to dad’s divorce, I tend to avoid making these kinds of assumptions unless it is a flat-out statement/ confession from SM herself. On the other hand, who knows? Maybe step mom does have some deeper issues that she has to work out? I just know I get tired of the fact that two-related adults can't seem to get along or work out their own issues, and bingo!, for some reason, it is all due to SM's insecurties. Rarely would this ever be true that a SM or anyone can somehow single-handedly keep two related adults who WANT to be together, apart. It may be the rare truth in this case, or it may just be a very convenient excuse.