You are trying to work on the relationship between your wife and your daughter when really the only relationship that needs attention is the one you have with your daughter.

This is not your wife's child. There is no need for them to be nothing more than acquaintances.

I am sorry your heart is broken but I see only GOOD coming from your decision!

No, it doesn't look or feel good to you right now but if the daughter truly loves and respects you she will come around. Maybe it will take some time but I have high hopes for you and your family!

You are teaching your daughter a very valuable lesson. She will learn that every member of the family is important and that the man in her life should value her and the marriage relationship and not let anyone take advantage of or mistreat her.

Keep your chin up!

ManUp,

I think this took a lot of guts, courage, and love on your part to realize that you will not stand for the toxicity your daughter brought into your lives. I hope your wife realizes how lucky she is to have a partner like you who looks at what justice and equality truly means, and not allowing one person to hurt another, regardless of their relationship with you, regardless of the sacrifice you must make, makes you a hero. I am sure you children will be thankful that you did not allow your first daughter to abuse your wife, their mom, and I am sure it was as painful and proud for you to stand up in this position.

You daughter, unfortunately, wishes to have things her way or no way at all--her emotions and how she feels is, in her mind, more important than anyone else's. She probably, through some prior experience, realized that emotional blackmail could get her what she wants and that you would bend over backwards and let her do it, for fear that you will lose her again.

I hope one day she comes around and realizes that demanding respect for the people in your life was a right, and that it is what those who understand what being responsible for a family means. I hope she matures, and all of you can heal from the damage.

Please know the road ahead will be difficult, and you may never be able to reconcile with your daughter ever again because she may choose to believe you chose your wife over her. I hope if she brings that up, that you let her know it's not about choosing one person over the other, it's about preventing one person from purposely hurting someone else. You love her, but as a parent one of your duties is to teach your children compassion and living right.

You are already doing a commendable job and I hope you will stick to it. Much luck.

I'm left wondering what this girl's relationship is to her adoptive parents? She sure is focusing a lot of attention on the man who gave her up for adoption, but what about the people who raised her? Did she burn bridges with them and now trying to destroy another family? Personally I think she needs some serious counseling. She is trying to control the man who gave her up for adoption, by "attacking" the woman that he CHOSE to marry. The wife is a threat to her...he chose her, he didn't choose the daughter. That's the way it must feel to the girl. I'd be glad for the 800 mile distance.

It is so rare that we hear point of view on this board. I am impressed by your desire to make your family work.

I agree with you. If someone can't respect the person I love, than they don't respect me. As hard as it may be, I think you are making a wise decision here.

Manup I think you are awesome. Your wife has tried to make amends with your D and like many of us on here it is slamed right back in our faces.These selfish Sk's take our kindness for weakness and when we try to make things right that leaves the door open for them to treat us like gum on the bottom of their shoe and they usually get by with it.Thank God you did man up and see what is going on.I apologized more than once to my Sk's and DIL's for things I didnt do.I actually cared about them at one time in my life.Turned the other cheek a lot. I was told you made your bed now you lay in it.Finally I couldnt take it anymore .I finally stopped have anything to do with them. Then they focused on dear old dad. They gave him his choice.SK's told him make your choice.Its your wifey or your kids.DH has CHOSE his wife since he was made to choose. DH cant see his GK's because he stood by his wife.I would not put up with any crap out of your D. Dont let her mistreat you or your wife.When and if she ever has a change of heart then yall may can reconsile but you and your wife stand your ground with her. Believe me your wife will love you for it. Good luck

I'm trying to weed out the anger, resentment, rudeness, and maliciousness.

Which is going to be impossible as you are dealing with an angry,resentful, rude and malicious daughter.

I agree with the fact you cannot force a relationship between these two women but I don't believe that your relationship with your daughter should exclude your wife or vice versa.

IMO, they don't have to have tea together alone or talk on the phone for hours but your daughter should come to your house knock on the door walk in and speak to your wife along with you. She should be cordial and make an effort to mend things between each other. If your wife answers the phone she should say Hi, how are you?, have cordial conversation and ask to speak to you. Same goes for your wife.

Have you read on here how many Skids come over to see "daddy", walk in the house and never even speak to the stepmother? (My SS17 is one of them). That should not be allowed from the beginning. Imo, if some of these things were not tolerated from the BD's at the start they wouldn't have grown to the WIFE not being invited to graduations, weddings, christenings, etc.

Would they be allowed to treat other family this way if mom and dad was still together? What about a boss or others they have to deal with? Where is the common courtesy.

Do I think you should totally disregard your daughter? Absolutely not, but she should understand that her "efforts" isn't meeting the grade. Your love for her will not change but you do not have to agree with her actions and her actions (towards your wife) will definitely effect your relationship with her.

She has laid down ground rules for you and your wife but what are your expectations for her? You say you don't expect them to be best friends then what exactly do you expect from her?

I think what ManUp said is that he has tried the exclusive communication and that nearly destroyed his marriage. From my own personal experience I can say that this type of exclusive communication based on disenagement works for a short - term solution . In the beginning it did sound good to me too and I gave it a try.However, in the long run - it creates bigger issues that are even harder to deal with.
I will have to agree that your wife is a very strong and intelligent woman and you are very introspective and wise man for not allowing your daughter to manipulate and control your marriage. Seems to me that your daughter needs serious counseling in order to overcome her issues. Her behavior is out of line and sounds like my.kids.mom might have a point.

I would like to add to the comment I made about her actions and how they will effect your relationship with her. For instance if she refuses to see your wife or have any kind of relationship with her then you will be limited in the amount of time you can or will spend with her and her family.

If she refuses to have dinner with your wife present then when she comes into town you will probably meet her somewhere have a nice dinner and go back home after an hour or two. But if she would try to have a cordial and respectful relationship with your wife then when she comes to town you and her could go have dinner alone, she could come back to your house for dessert sit and visit with the family, spend the night and have a nice breakfast in the morning.

Whichever she and you choose this scenario will play over and over in countless ways and holidays for years and years to come.

However, I will say this. The person who is trying to set conditions and is the one who is causing the resistance, should also be the one who makes concessions.

^^^^^ EXACTLY!

I think everyone needs to re-adjust their expectations and goals a bit.

You may never get the "one big, happy family" where your wife and daughter love each other to bits and pieces. The best you can hope for is for them to peacefully co-exist and not have weapons aimed at each other at family gatherings.

And your daughter should accept that your wife isn't going anywhere. She does not have to love or like her but should treat her with the same respect as a coworker (like she suggested). I think that is a good analogy because quite often, coworkers work together on projects and have a shared goal of getting the project done well and correctly. Your daughter and wife can and should share a goal of peace.

Perhaps you need to ask your daughter how she'd feel if you treated her boyfriend/significant other/husband the way she has treated your wife. See what she says. Chances are she wouldn't be too happy with you. Maybe it will make her rethink how she treats your wife.

Manup, I think you are asolutely right and you seem to have been able to now look at this situation from a very good place.

Your daughter perhaps is harbouring jealousy, she was adopted now you have a new family. A family which she is clearly trying to destroy. Whether consciously, or unconsciously the end result if you had kept this up, was your wife would have ended the marriage.

I was treated like this by my husband's daughter. I was different to your wife though, I did not push back for almost 2 years. In that two years I bent over backwards to make my husband's adult daughter feel comfortable in my home.

Every time that woman came here I made it my business to leave the room on some pretext or other ie: going to the bathroom so that she could have some alone time with her dad. Even if it was just enough to say dad I want to talk to you alone, can we meet up somewhere. I never expected her to want to coffee with me, but I damn well did expect she say hello and goodbye, and I also expected that when I offered her tea/coffee, she say yes or no, not just ignore me.

This went on for 8 years. She made it know to all and sundry that she was going to break up our marriage and see us both dead. When she failed to achieve that on her own, she deliberately got pregnant because she believed the baby would cause her father to leave me. When the child was born, she gave dad the ultimatum. If you want to see your grandchild leave your wife.

Over the years as I said I bent over backwards for this woman. Helped her in everyway possible, and she always accepted my help. She took whatever I offered, when she wanted something she would ask her dad and he would ask me, and stupidly I did it. I thought given time she would come around. Then the baby incident ended it.

I refused to have anything to do with her, I banned her from my home, and I was so worn out and exhausted from all the years of trying I told my husband she was never to set foot in my home again and he was more than welcome to go with her. I meant every word of that.

My husband stayed, but to this day he has never had the conversation with his daughter he needed to have.

When his daughter saw the baby did not break up our marriage, she then went to her grandfather, my husband's father and inlisted his help. He was 88 at the time, he had just had surgery for bowel cancer, and this girl had not spoken to him in years. In the 10 years she was in my life I have only know her to speak to him on the phone 3 times and each time was to get something. She rang him to tell him she had a baby when the baby was 2 weeks old, she had not even rung him to say she was pregnant.

This however did not faze father in law. He took her side. When she went crying to him that daddy would not come around to see her baby and I told her she was not welcome here, well my Italian father in law lost it didn't he. I was once closer to my FIL than his own kids were, but, he chose to side with the prodigal grandaughter and did not even bother to ask my husband or myself what was going on.

The status quo at the moment. FIL and I have not spoken for almost a year, despite the fact that we used to talk at the very least ever two days, but usually I would ring him everyday just to see how he was, as he lives 4 hours away. FIL barely speaks to my husband. When my husband calls him they are lucky to be on the phone 10 to 15 seconds. FIL has told my sister in law that we (my husband and myself) are not to be told when he dies, we are not welcome at his funeral.

This is what happens when you let manipulative, angry, selfish and jealous adult children into your home and allow them to call the shots.

My husband did nothing the entire 8 years this was going on. He did nothing when she was incredible rude to him, the things she said to him were the reason I after two years started to speak up. I should have said nothing and let them work it out, because once I defended her father then she up the anti on me. My husband never once supported me, in fact, he told me if I just shut up and take her crap like he did,then we wouldn't have any problems with her.

Your daughter dictating she will have a relationship with you and her half siblings, but treat your wife as a co-worker, a co-worker she doesn't like mind you, will never work. Your daughter has made it clear she will not have your wife in her life. The postcard incident was a deliberate insult to your wife. It would have been bad enough to send one addressed to you and the kids, but to go to the trouble of sending everyone but your wife one, that was a deliberate and calculated move to hurt your wife and show your wife in her (your daughter's) eyes, she does not exist. She is what she said to her on the phone - nothing to her.

I believe you have made the right decision, and the ball should now be left in your daughter's court. If she really is intrested in a relationship with you, she will come around, but I supsect all she is intrested in at the moment is revenge. She is going to hurt you because she believes you hurt her. God only knows what she has been told or what she has invented in her own mind about being adopted, but whatever it is, she seems to still be pretty angry. NONE of this is your wife's fault, yet your wife was the one she was attacking. Funny that, because the same happened here, all my husband's daughter's perceived hurts were caused by him. She was to be fair, right in some of what she accussed him of, but her hatred of him for not supplying her with money and things was over the top, and she while she clearly hated him would wrap him around her little finger, flirt with him, and play the innocent, which made him one happy camper, and he was more than happy for her to blame me for her unhappiness. He suggested that I should understand she wasn't happy about him re marrying. WTF.

So in my eyes you are one hell of a guy. I am so glad you woke up to this before your entire family was ripped apart by this girl. You put your wife in the same position most of us here are/were in. Ultimately YOU were going to lose everything.

Well done Manup.

ManUp,

You've been given good responses. Please take all of them to heart.

I will also say that I too am an adult stepdaughter. I have a stepmother.

Something I've learned is that only wecontrol our viewpoints, including those on whom we view as family. Not everyone feels like step relatives are family. That's fine. But everyone present at family functions should be treated equally, and with the same amount of inclusion. Meaning, significant others/spouses of those we consider family get treated with the same civility and respect as our "family." That includes being properly mentioned on postcards.

My stepmother and I aren't buddies. But things go pleasantly when we see each other. I treat her the way I want my dad to treat my dh. Is your daughter in a relationship?

One thing that occurs to me is that we really have no idea how she was brought up. It could well be that she was not taught appropriate behavior. Or there may be other background there that leads her to be less that wonderful in this situation.

Man/Up... I think it may be too early for ultimatums. I have to say that many of us are likely nicer to our co-workers than we are to our families at times. I'd start with the co-worker relationship and see where it goes.

The question as to how she has been raised has cone up. And as some of you have rightly said, none if us know what kind of upbringing she has had. If I had to speculate. I'd say she has been one mighty spoilt young lady. Her actions here seem to suggest she is well and truly used to ruling the roost and getting her own way. That is if course pure speculation based on my experience with my husbands daughter she comes across as desperate for attention and has made everyone aware that she has been abandoned by daddy. This was never the case. What happened was daddy left with nothing but the shirt on his back. He left them everything a mortgage free home. Cars. Money. Then when we met and daddy closed his wallet. That is when the cry daddy abandoned me went up. That is when she abandoned daddy.

I accept I may be completely wrong here just speculating.

Manup, your primary responsibility is to your wife and your minor children - both legally and morally. As you noted, you went astray when you sought to cultivate a "loving relationship" with your DD, without including your own family - which includes your wife.

You set up the slippery slope right there and it has seriously threatened your entire family - both your wife and kids.

You say you will not tolerate anyone being marginalized but your DD's demands are just that: She wants to marginalize your wife like she is a "coworker" - yet one who can't even ask your DD such a highly "personal" question like, "How's the job?" C'mon ... even virtual strangers on a bus ask each other questions like that! And what's going to happen in group discusions - she'll answer personal questions from you and her half-siblings but your wife can only ask how she likes the weather?

Her request is a passive-agressive way to get permission to ostracise your wife, plain and simple. And ostracism is a form of bullying.

IMO, there is only one real problem here: your DD. The bottom line is she made the decision to insert herself into what was a happy, functioning in-tact family and is trying to tear it apart for whatever her conscious or subconscious reasons. Your DW is the current target. What happens five years down the road when she decides it's one of your kids - because she thinks they are getting more attention than her? DD has already learned she can manipulate her relationship with you, so she will continue to do it.

The people I really feel for are the adoptive parents. Are they aware of the horrible mess she's made of YOUR family? I wonder how the adoptive Dad feels about her bulldozing her way into your life, despite all he did to father her?

Maybe I am too abrupt or not patient enough because if I were you, I'd be telling DD - "Look, I want to have a relationship with you but that means respecting my life and my family - which includes my wife. If and when you get to a place in your own life where you can accept that and treat my family/wife with dignity, grace and a modicum of warmth - then let's talk. Until then, I wish you all the best in your life."

Or how about this: Since she likes to use work as an analogy, put it the way an employer would: "It seems you really aren't connecting with our team and goals for this organization. Therefore, we think it's time you went out and found a place that is a better fit for you."

Maybe that will work.

2Tired4drama

How damn well said. Manup. Nothing else left to say here. I think 2Tired has just solved all your issues.

Very, very well said. Love it.

Thanks, everyone. But I also hope Manup finds it helpful ...

I actually believer very, very strongly that children who are adopted have a God given right to find their biological parents, if THEY want to. Closed adoptions were just plain wrong.

Finding your people, getting to know your family history, your medical history is vital for some people, not so much for others, and some really don't give a damn till they need a kidney. But whatever, they should all have the right.

I don't think it is being disrespectful or kicking the adoptive parents in the teeth at all. I imagine the adoptive parents would feel a little scared, but once these kids have grown to the point where they themselves are seeking to find their parents, well your work is more than likely done, and no matter who or what the biological parents are, YOU will always be mum and dad. What should matter most here is the wishes of the child.

I am very impressed with Manup. I think he is one of the few parents who have been able to put his own feelings aside and see the situation for what it is. I also supsect his wife was onto it longe before he ever saw it, hence all the drama between the daughter and the wife before he caught on.

However, he did see it, and he has handled it beautifully.

While I would fight to the death defending the right of an adoptive child to seek his/her parents, the adoptive children have no right to then try and destroy the happiness of that parent and his/her family. Once they pull that, they forfeit all rights to any ongoing relationship with that parent, all the are entitled to then, is the family medical history.

Manup may without realising it may very well have just taught his daughter a very, very important lesson in her life. What he is showing her about family and relationships is something she may never have learned anywhere else. If this is the only thing he ever does for her, he has done a great job. She may from here go on to seek a partner in her life that holds her above all others...........As she should.

ManUp, BIG high-5 to you!!!! My husband could have easy written your post, he played a passive role probably with the same thought processes. I hand it to you for standing up for your wife and expecting the respect like you have. I basically raised my SS, bio mom was not consistent and when she did come into the picture she was destructive. I think my husband feared losing his sons, they both had pretty fiesty lil tempers and they knew how to play my husband. However, when the steps do not get support from the bios it creates this "okay" with the kids that it is permissible to disrespect them and that's what happened with us. You would have thought bio mom would have had enough common sense that should have worked with me, the person raising her sons but oh no. It was almost like I was supposed to be a nanny or something.

SS29 told both his dad and off 2 years ago, said some terrible things, told us both that we would never know his daughter as our grandchild. We went to counseling. Counselor told me to not have anything more to do with steps as I had become a target and the only way to remove myself from the target was to disengage from the boys. However, she encouraged my husband to build a relationship with his son. He asked if he should mention the hateful emails and she said, "no, he will only run." So it is okay to exclude me and it is okay to let the disrespect go without addressing it and it is okay from husband to journey off to have an exclusive relationship with his sons?? Sounds to me that kids are still in control and get to do whatever they want.

Right now I don't want a relationship with my SS but I do feel my husband needs to take steps like you have done with your daughter. This whole situation has caused my husband and I alot of stress. My husband is my oldest daughters' stepdad and I would never allow for my daughters to treat him like I have been treated by his sons.

Thanks for posting!!

AVR sometimes counsellor's get it wrong. I think yours got it wrong. I am very sorry. Unfortunately so many of our DH's didn't and never will get it.

Manup has it. He knows what he is doing and no stupid counsellor will put it over him. His wife and his family are very lucky to have him. Maybe he and they will never fully appreciate how well he has handled this. But most of us on this site do.

Rewarding bad behavior, allowing rudeness and disrespect to your spouse, allowing children to dictate the type and terms if your relationship, only leads to more of the same.

Giving into the demands of children, and leaving your spouse out of your family so you can build a relationship with your children, a relationship built solely on their terms and conditions will lead to the breakdown of the marriage. Things between a husband and wife do not go well when one partner dismisses the other and puts a child or children ahead of their spouse, instead of doing what manup is doing, getting counseling to help his daughter to fit in, not to push his wife out, will eventually result in ending the marriage. The spouse may or may not stay. But the marriage will never be what it could have been when kids are put above spouse.

I am sorry for you AVR, I get what you are going through. I am pleased to see Manup handling this the way he has though. I never thought I would see on this site someone absolutely getting it. He beats himself up a bit for leaving it a bit too long, but he doesn't know that 99% of our DH's leave it forever and do nothing.

He is not going to counselling to get his wife to roll over and play dead for his daughter, Manup recognises he is at fault, his wife had a hand in it, and so did the daughter. I'm going to stick up for the wife here though, because I expect she saw long before Manup did what was going on and eventually she had a gutfull and she started fighting back. That is when it would have all gone downhill.

My husband did the exact same thing. Then after 2 years I started to talk back to the daughter who treated me like nothing short of dog poo on the soles of her feet. My husband's response, why can't you just put up with her crap like I do. If you just shut up and put up with her we woulnd't have this trouble (my fault).

My husband's daughter made it clear she wanted to break up our marriage and see us both dead. My DH said she didn't mean it. She tried so very hard and made everyone miserable in the process, then her last ditch attempt was to get pregnant and when that child was born she told DH if he wanted to see the child he had to leave me.

Just when you think things coukd not possible be anyworse, she drops a baby in the mix.

I banned her from my home, I was done I knew that if I stayed in this mess it would kill me, I was becoming more and more physically ill and suffering severe anxity. So I dropped out.

She has a child now almost 2 and that child has no grandfather, my dh has no grandchildre, as when I banned her, she banned her brothers, so dh has three grandchildren he doesn't see.

Who's fault is all this. DH. His daugher could be Satan Incarnate, he may not have one ounce of control over her, but he sure as hell had a responsibility to pull her into line and teach her some manners. Worse than failing to do that, his silence encouraged her all the way. I actually feel a bit sorry for her. He led her up the garden path. he said nothing about her behaviour which led her to beieve he was choosing her over me and kept her going. Then when it all got to the point where Isaid, Im out of this. He dumped his daughter, and by default, his grandaughter. I cannot imagine how she feels. But I do know this. I will never have her in my life ever again. Had DH worked it out. It didn't have to be this way.

I know something else too. DH has not changed and right up to the time I am typing this, DH takes no responsibility for what happened here. He thinks it is between me and his daughter. It's not. It really is between him and his daughter, she hates him and was punsihing me for it. Unlike Manup he will never see it. Manup is giving his daughter a chance here. He is doing the right thing, he will save his marriage, he may or may not have a happy 22 year old daughter in his life, that is up to her, but whatever happens, he can honestly say, he did his very best. I wish him all the luck in the world. I admire you Manup I wish my dh had manned up. Life would have been much better for him, his children and his grandchilren. I am doing well now, but I have had to change my whole approach towards my husband and my marriage, I have had to change myself, I have had to stand up for myself and get some some self respect. I had to put my foot down and say no more. As I said before, it did not have to be like this. But my dh did not Manup.

My husband's daughter involved my husbands father and now the whole family has fallen apart. My FIl is 89 and has barely spoken to his son in over a year, he does not speak to me at all and we were close once. All of this in the last months of his life because of one very determined self serving self centred young woman with an over inflated sense of entitlement and a grudge against her father.

I am so glad I have completely disengaged from the entire family and the lies and drama. This Manup up is where it could have gone for you too. You should be proud of yourself for getting it and doing the right thing to fix it. At least you will know you tried. You cannot make your daughter do anything, but you at least tried.