O/T - question about my kids Biodad
I do not have a great relationship with my 3 kids father (shocker). He and his wife and new kids just moved about 40 miles away from where the kids and I have lived prior to and since the divorce.
Our decree states that he picks them up at start of parenting time and I retrieve them. Given that he has moved so far away I am refusing to drive to get them. Last week, he started making noises about me coming out to get them when his time is over. Up until now, he has brought them back without complaint.
My question for this group, who at times I think is smarter than my lawyer, is - does his move constitute a change in circumstance and am I in contempt for refusing to retrieve them from his new residence?
I am willing to file for a decree modification if I have to, this is a non-negotiable for me.
Curious about the opinion of the group.
Thanks!
You are in contempt until and
You are in contempt until and unless you get the decree modified.
You have every right to get it modified as it is a change in circumstances due to HIS choices.
Yep, you have to file to
Yep, you have to file to modify the order. Until it's modified, if you refuse to get them as it's currently set up in the order, you're in contempt.
Does your order address any
Does your order address any move-aways? (I made sure mine did.)
It may say that is the transportation arrangement as long as the parties don't live more than X miles from each other, or it'll address the "moving party" is responsible for transportation, etc.
Absent that clarification, YES, you are in contempt. Not to mention, it's kinda prickish of you to do anyway...
They're your kids. Go get them. I would (and did) drive my kids to and from their dad's house because he's a loser without a car and it was more important to me that they see him.
Now he's MIA, so it doesn't matter.
Our BM moved an hour away
Our BM moved an hour away then "arranged" with DH that he would pick SD up from her house (one hour away) and BM would pick SD up at DH's house. Turns out BM's husband still worked in our home town, so she was managing to get DH to do ALL the driving.
When they went back to court, judge determined the parent whose turn it was to have the child would do the driving. So, when it was DH's time to get SD he drove to get her and when it was BM's time to get her back she would pick her up.
Our CO addressed moves
Our CO addressed moves farther than 30 miles from the current (when the divorce was final) address. You are in contempt unless there is a stipulation in there regarding moving out of the area. You need to get a modification completed.
My ex-husband moved out of
My ex-husband moved out of state after our divorce and lives about 90 min. away, more than 60 miles.
He is in charge of pick up and drop off but i do pitch in at times. He does not come to the kids' school functions, concerts, games, etc. but he comes to get them EOW. Every other appointment of function i drive them to. I would drive to get them if he refused to bring them back, and try to integrate it into my day somehow. They want to see him, and i would be doing it for them.
This is not a battle worth fighting (in court), in my opinion. My current thinking is, try to keep it friendly with the ex at ALL costs. There can be give and take on the little stuff so that there is cooperation on bigger issues. I close my eyes to several things my ex does that never fail to drive me crazy (like taking my son repeatedly to get a really ugly haircut). But i can sort of count on him when i really need him to take the boys. So i am buying myself his good will by letting certain things slide.
SAF - I agree with you 90% of
SAF - I agree with you 90% of the time so please be nice to me!
If he had notifed me in advance that he was moving, worked out a plan or any type of accomodation I might have been more willing to work with him.
This is the same guy who hasn't picked up his kids for his mid-week visit on 2 years and rarely exercises any extra time in the summer and has never attended any of the kids sporting events. I dont think it is prickish to refuse to drive 80 miles round trip because he chose to move. When we got divorced and agreed to the current terms we lived 4 miles from each other.
My ex is an exec at a national company, having a car and the $$ to make the drive is not the issue.
My decree doesn't have any wording about moving other than I get to designate the residence of the children for school purposes. Guess I will call my attorney if he pushes the issue.
Unfortunately, because
Unfortunately, because neither your lawyer nor his (or the two of you, if filed pro se) had the foresight to think...gee, maybe we won't always live this close (4 miles.)
So you signed an agreement AGREEING to do 50% of the driving.
I happen to agree with you, BTW. It sucks, it isn't fair, and he should have discussed this ahead of time. However, just because he didn't does not absolve you of your part of the court order.
I did my own divorce 90%. I hired an attorney part way through, then fired the lazy ass. My temp and final orders were done by ME.
Having been through this with XH and BM over SD, I was pretty familiar with the pitfalls. So, I "split" the transportation if he remained local, but a move more than 10 miles away becomes all his... including airfare. }:)
Anyway, your XH could have handled it better, but he didn't. I gather that isn't a surprise, though. You should still be driving one way. I agree, it's not fair. However, I think parents should facilitate visits with the other parent in any way they can.
YES!!! I have to say that I
YES!!! I have to say that I rarely agree with Stick-a-fork, but I do in this situation.
Keep doing what you are doing and you will make another stepmother very happy. If you are trying to drive ex-h away you are doing a good job.
Trust me when I tell you that this will only make new step-mom happy, as ex-husband will forget about the kids that he had with you.
Sorry to be so harsh. It is not him that you are accomidating, but it is your kids that you are doing a favor to.
And I really do take offense to you calling your ex-husband's children with his new wife/gf the "new kids". To her and prob to your ex-husband YOUR kids are probably thought of as the kids he had with his ex. You have to remember that his "new" kids are his kids. You are only his ex.
Come on guys - he has already
Come on guys - he has already made her very happy by willingly dropping out of his kid's lives. He chose to make the choices he has made.
We don’t talk anymore, we don’t argue, no debates, etc. We send doctor receipts back and forth, that is the extent of our conversations. There are no crazy arguments, withholding kids, stopping communications, etc. Two of them are teenagers so why would i get in the middle of their business with their dad? I just don’t want to drive 80 miles because of his choice to move. Where we live that is almost 2 hours round trip due to traffic, pretty significant time commitment when I did not make this change.
Another interesting thing about this move - he did not make it to be closer to work, he is actually farther from his office than when he lived close by the children.
I appreciate everyone's feedback, I am just tired of picking up his slack in other areas and this may be where I draw the line. If he was actively involved with them then I would probably be more accomodating. He has worn me out the last few years with his BS.
Wellll... in this case, it's
Wellll... in this case, it's not about picking up his slack. It's about abiding by the court order that you are subject to.
I "get" being worn out. Oh, how I get it...
I'm rather surprised his "new wife" hasn't pushed him to force you to abide by the CO yet...
Hey Ice Queen, they aren't
Hey Ice Queen, they aren't really 'his' kids. Sperm donor babies to be exact. Mine are his only bio-kids.
Before I get my ass kicked on here, no fertility isses, he had a vasectomy after our third was born. New wife wanted kids, so they bought some sperm to make her happy. Sorry to be crude but the facts are what they are.
I am not sure what I should call his second family? Latest kids? Precious little bundles of joy brought by Unicorns? Seriously, how the heck is the term 'new kids' offensive? They are babies and well, new....
And so what that makes that
And so what that makes that kids he had with his EX his "old family"? My ex-husband had a vasectomy over 10 years ago, but if he decided that he wanted to have kids with his "current" wife/gf then so be it. They would still be his because he is raising them, and so essentially would be his.
I guess it chaps my buns because BM has tried to refer to my and my dh's children and me as my HUSBANDS "other" family. When in all reality only one of her kids is actually his (one of hers is from an affair she had).
We are the ones that have the intact family with kids from his PREVIOUS relationship that we see every now and then. The only thing I will tell my kids is that "your father has had many previous relationships, we are a family now and will be forever."
Is public transit an option
Is public transit an option if they are teenagers? Can he put them on a train and you pick them up at the station? My skids' BM went berserk 2 years ago when we suggested my YSD15 take a train into the city. Huh? Why not?? The trains are safe, clean and reliable. My DH would pick her up. My BS15 takes public transit - sometimes ends up not where he wanted to end up but so what...
Is there any other compromise you could find?
I wish, I would be fine with
I wish, I would be fine with public transit, we just dont have it in our area of the state.
My oldest teenage isn't driving yet so that is not an option either.
That's too bad. How about the
That's too bad. How about the proverbial meeting him half-way?
OK now you know you could be
OK now you know you could be held in contempt. But did anyone tell you only if he complains to the court? Of course he could do that any day now, or 5 years from now.
Tell him that he's the one who moved. You'll meet him X miles away from your him in the direction of his new home. X of course equals the distance you used to drive to get to his home. In fact the old home is a good place to meet if its in the direction he now lives. Or a nearby McDonalds etc.
If he agrees tell him it must be in writing. Nothing fancy, just a simple agreement "We agree to meet at such and such a place for "me" to retrieve our children at the end of "ex"s visitation weekends and holidays. Two originals, both signed and dated with a legible signature by both of you.
With that piece of paper no judge will find you in contempt even if he's foolish enough to make the claim.
Explain if he can't agree then you'll ask the court for a change and that will mean attorneys all around. Hopefully the attorney costs will settle the issue right now.