I am lucky in this part. My SS was ALWAYS respectful to me. DH would not have allowed him to not be. lol

I was also respectful to him. I was the friendly aunt type of SM.

PS...this fight over who says HI first upon entering a room, is the most absurd issue EVER.

In all honesty, if you have read any posts on this website then you would know exactly what disrespect is. Some of the posts I have read make me want to run for the hills!its like their skids are actually mini satans-its scary!yours however sound like normal kids, mine are too luckily BUT my Dh sounds like you and I like your wife.

When kids do what kids do then yes it is very rude, not saying hi and being anti social etc but that is what kids especially teen kids are like. From a SM point of view it can be very very hard not to take it personally becasue remember she won't have that bond with skids to be able to just brush it off, it feels personal (warranted or not). I cannot explain how hard it is being with someone who loves their kids so much (and rightly so) that when they come over your couple heaven floods in with moodiness, sulking, noise and general kid behaviour and the wife gets pushed aside and has to wait to resume normal relationship when skids are gone. These are not her kids and therefor it is soo frustrating that you are meant to sit and smile through it all!

When your wife says she feels ignored it is beacuse of the whole 'outsider' thing. You guys have your bond and can be all together with in jokes and previous memorires and she has nothing with all of you and can feel lonely.Which is no ones fault but it can seem very rude to her that shes not being accepted by them.....always wondering if you wish you and kids were all back together and ultimatly back with BM.
Its not a matter of disresepct, its an undrlying issue of not feeling accepted and wanting to be there with you as a family
hope that makes sense ?!

I'm glad you are here readin--for that I applaud you as many Bd's just stick their head in the sand and ignore it.

What is most important is what the individual stepparent believe is disrespect. It will have a lot to do with her own upbringing and what was expected of her. I'm guessing, since you're with her, she has more of something (like integrity or honesty or respectfulness) than the other people you have dated or have known and therefore she likely had a good upbringing in terms of manners.

I come from an asian background, I am the first generation born in the US, so my parents were still raising us with traditional eastern Confucian guidelines. This is what I'm used to, and therefore it would be the standard I hold my children, and their peers to.

What does that mean? Well, for me and my sister, it meant:
We greet and send off every visitor who comes through the door immediately, regardless of what we are doing. Hello aunty, goodbye uncle. I myself still follow this, although I understand that my husband is caucasian (but a majority of his life was influenced by his asian mentor so he picked up a large portion of my culture) may be a bit more lax about this--but he does it 90% of the time. If not, I remind him and he usually does immediately.

Everyone was sir, ma'am, auntie, uncle.

We answer all questions. directed to us, and help with all issues of our family, and if we can't we still try to direct the person to the one who can help. Going above and beyond was the NORM, not the exception. Without attitude, without rolling our eyes. If we felt differently about something, we did it FIRST and then consulted our parents about possible changes or negotiations for next time.

We didn't say things we don't mean. If we said it, we had to follow through with it, so things like "I hate you" were never, ever said.

We ate what we were given, even if we didn't like it. We thanked our host (be it my mother, grandmother, or anyone else) and bowed out after every meal with a "Thank you. Please enjoy the rest of the meal." Always, this has become habit so ingrained I don't even think about it.

We were always reminded that no one owed us anything, and that in order to receive something, you must do something of equal or greater value in every aspect of our lives.

We did not speak or interrupt an adult conversation unless spoken to. This went on until we were 18, although our parents eased us in after we hit puberty with questions directed to us. Otherwise we sat quietly and paid attention.

We always asked if we could leave the table.

Everyone was always served their food before us. The rule of thumb was though, when the host insisted for too long and we were holding everyone else up, we had to accept it first but only after a nod from my parents and then it was accepted with as much humility as possible.

We never gloated with our accomplishments. If they were noticed, great, if not, don't expect them.

Those are just the ones off the top of my head.

Thankfully, my husband enjoys the results of how I have turned out and hopes to raise our kids in the same manner I was and would not expect anything less. He seems to think it created smart, compassionate people and wishes to emulate that. He wishes his upbringing had these aspects because he believes if he did, he could have been even more successful.

S work with your wife to figure out what she defines as "respect."

Ultimately I defineit as doing your best to make the other person comfortable, and never with the intention to hurt. So saying something in the heat of the moment to win an argument, rolling your eyes, etc. are considered disrespectful in my book, because your words and body language was designed specifically to make the other person feel unhappy.

Much of what SM's on this site complain about is not disrespect to them personally, but how kids behave these days. I also see SM's who expect to be treated as a queen by skids and that's just not gonna happen. Things that shouldn't be tolerated are rolling eyes, backtalk, argumentative for the sake of arguing (no point), lying, obvious manipulative behavior, refusing to obey (vs just forgetting to do what they're told), and name calling. And still, some of these are not actions directed at *just* SM's, but anyone in their path. SM's just take them personally.

As a mom to a D14, I will say staying in her room and not saying good morning or hello right away are pretty normal teen behaviors.

However, saying thank you and please are good manners, and I agree that not saying those things is being disrespectful. Also, having an attitude, rolling her eyes, huffing and puffing when told to do something, etc. etc. these are all disrespectful actions.

And it really doesn't matter if this is "normal teenage behavior" or not. Rude is rude and being a "typical teenager" is no excuse for bad manners or being disrespectful.

I have teen biokids, and teen stepkids. Although I "expect" many of the same behaviors, in actuality their behaviors are opposite ends of the spectrum.

My SK's refuse to acknowledge me, even after I say something (or ask something) directly TO them, they will not answer. RUDE.

They take every opportunity to insert their mom into our dinner conversations, regardless of the fact that my DH has pulled them aside and told them HE wants them to stop.

In earlier years, they would see one of my children get in trouble for something (touching things on the shelves in stores) and they would turn around and do the very same thing.... daring me to say something then crying to their mom that I yelled at them.

They have no clue how to say please and thank you. They have no sense of graciousness. I've watched my DS and DD give both myself and my DH a hug and a "thank you!" after receiving a birthday/christmas present. I've watched my SK's receive a gift and toss it aside (literally) simply because it came from this household.

So there is teenager rude, and then there is out and out intentional R.U.D.E. To me, the difference is MY children will (hopefully) outgrow the teenager rude. I don't think my SK's will ever outgrow the intentional RUDE.

This is an issue that I struggled with as an SM, feeling like my SS was being disrespectful to me or targeting me with his attitude. When I would ask him to do things (he would do them) but he would huff or stomp or bang things around. What I did not see what he did this to his dad too, it took quite a long time for me to realize that he was not doing just to me but both his dad and I. My SS has always said thank you to me for making dinner, taking him places if need be or even for cleaning the house. So really I think I am pretty fortunate compared to what some SM's deal with. My SS has never yelled at me or raised his voice to me or his dad. For the most part it seems like your daughter is just being a typical teen.

I have an SD16 that lives with us fulltime. I married DH when she was 10. I used to take her attitude personally. I would get very upset and hurt that she would stand there giving me dirty looks or come home from school and run in her room and slam the door. She would never say thank you or appreciate anything I do for her. Over the last year or so I realize that its probably not directed towards me personally. She is just a bitchy child. She was a spoiled brat growing up and no one taught her how to act. I have seen her try to treat DH this way too (He corrects her of course) but once I realized she was treating others this way I am not so offended by her.

Now I just let it roll off my back. If she wants to be mad about something then so be it. I go on my merry way.

Respect...

return speech when spoken to (my SS7 never responds to me - ever) - disrespectful

If my SS7 asks a question, like, what time is it - and I respond, its 2pm - he will again repeat his question, what time is it looking at his father - disrespectful

When I put the food on the table, SS7 will make faces, gagging sounds, or yell, i don't like that! I won't eat that! to which nobody says anything most of the time. - disrespectful

When SS7 is instructed to say thank you - for a meal, a new object, or a fun day out - he will pause until asked to say thank you again, then say, Thank you Daddy. - disrespectful

Over the past 4+ years, this is the normal, as he ages, it changes here and there - now he smarts off a lot more, raises his voice to me or just completely turns his back when I am speaking to him. It does take a bit of willpower on my side not to pop him in the back of the head from time to time. So now, when DH says, you hate my kid - I ask DH - and when does he give me a reason not to?? Dh doesn't say that much anymore.....

Dogperson you are so right about it being "fashionable" for kids to be rude to adults! My DD13 has this "problem"- I told her if her mouth didn't straighten up I would pull her upper lip over her face and pin it to the back of her head! (caveat: I never hit any of my kids but I don't do idle threats, so when I physically threaten them it scares them). SS36, Perfectson23, and DD20 would NEVER mouth off the way she has. She's an easy kid otherwise,really sweet. But I'm not making excuses for her mouth!

Respect is subjective. Very.

SD15, I swear,has an inner coaching that says:

-I don't have to like her
-I don't have to accept her as my dad's wife
-I dont' have to acknowledge her presence in the home
-I don't have to iclude her in any general conversations
-I don't have to accept anything from her or ask anything of her
-I can run everything by DH rather than going directly to her.
-I don't have to expect basic manners and consideration of myself because she doesn't matter.

BUT I DO HAVE TO RESPECT HER.

After all that, I don't feel respected. She treats DH and I quite differently. After addressing these, really basic manners with her, she's been more aware and things have been better. After a few pleases and thank-yous and basic consideration, golly, I'd move the heavens and earth for her.

Oh, and I REALLY look to DH for support in having some respect and consideration; he is the parent and she is not my child - so my hands are tied in saying much to her about it at this point. I told him, sobbing, that I never would have let me own son treat him the way his kids have treated me...Have your wife's back and work on the worst behavior or your daughter at a time. your marriage is a priority.

It's all a matter of expectations. ]\
Honestly? Most of it is pretty normal teen behavior, but... It is up to you to set the expectations for your home, at a minimum. Personally? It never bothered me if my teens weren't the first ones to say good morning or hi. I did expect that they make some type of acknowledgement when someone else greeted them. Knowing what I'm like in the morning, a grunt or wave was fine. Wanting to sit in their room? Not a big deal. Teens tend to be moody, and sometimes being on their own is preferable for ALL concerned.

HOWEVER... As a parent, it is also your job to set expectations for her behavior outside of your home. My kids know that, when they are NOT at home? My expectations are higher when it comes to their behavior. Whether at their Dad's, their grandparents', a friends, or wherever... I expect more. I expect that they acknowledge EVERY greeting with a smile and a friendly word. I expect them to be polite. I expect them to be helpful. I expect them to eat what is served, and thank the person who prepared the food. Now, yes - I expect most of this at home, but I also understand bad days, PMSing, being self-involved. We all need a place to let our hair down, and where can we do it if not at home? So they do get cut some slack here.

What would *I* suggest? You and your wife should sit down and come up with a list of what is a requirement in terms of respectful behavior, what you'd like to see, and what can be allowed to slide. Then sit down with your daughter. The requirement list should be non-negotiable (so keep it to really important stuff). But the "like to see" can be discussed. And really LISTEN to what she says. Se may have some good input, and she may have areas where she also feels disrespected. Be willing (both you and your wife) to look at where she may have a valid gripe.

Lastly... I really hate to hear about kids whose other parent (and it can be Mom OR Dad, sometimes both...) doesn't teach common courtesy. Or any courtesy. Especially to the other parent's partner. I made it clear to my two that I couldn't make them like or love her, but I could make them treat her like the parent of a friend (or... the friend of a parent, I guess...). I expected the same behavior at least, and if I found out they didn't meet that level? They could expect me to deal with it the same way as if I found out they were rude to a friend's parents.