Alienated Skids and Biokids
I’m struggling with how to explain to my two biokids about their stepsiblings that they very rarely see. My oldest is only 2, but she had heard about her daddy’s other two kids but does not remember meeting them.
We were at Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws and my kids were interacting with many of their cousins there. Their cousins range in age from 5 to 17, so some of them know the skids and BM and may have heard things about the divorce. I’m worried about what the cousins are going to say to them since if they have any contact with the skids, the skids spread a lot of negative things, lies and gossip about their father and the divorce. The skid hate their dad so much that I’m sure they would love to bash him in front of our kids.
A few months ago my 2 year old saw a picture of her dad with her half-siblings when they were little and asked who they were. I took the easy way out and just told her their names and said they live in another town and we don’t see them very often. But I didn't explain who they are.
I don’t want to introduce to my kids too early questions about why their daddy doesn’t see his older two kids. But I don’t want to lie, but they aren’t going to be old enough to understand this for years.
I’m also very afraid of how the skids will act if they do eventually visit and what they may say or do to my kids. My husband had filed last spring for primary custody on the grounds that the kids had been alienated from him and his ex-wife was refusing to allow them to visit, which is what the parental alienation experts view as the best solution. I went through a few weeks during the summer scared to death the judge would actually give us the kids full time and then we were going to have to deal with his kids and our kids all together. The skids have been incredibly negative and jealous towards our kids in the few times they did meet. If they were in our home, I’d be so afraid of the hate they would spread. Ultimately, the judge decided not to go against the status quo, and even though BM is clearly not following the CO, there’s been no consequences at all except my husband still has no contact with his kids.
I want to protect my kids from all of this. I wish I could tell my husband that until the skids are willing to be civil, he needs to cut them completely, but then BM gets to paint him as a terrible dad who doesn’t want contact with them because he love his new kids more than them. I can’t see any way out of this situation.
I never thought this would be going on for so long and I don't see the alienation being resolved any time soon.
My DH has been to court many,
My DH has been to court many, many times over the custody order not being followed and being denied his parenting time. First he was told the order was unenforceable because the language wasn’t specific enough, so he had it changed. Then BM said she had no control over whether the kids didn’t visit. They are now 13 and 16. They hide at friends houses on Fridays at pickup timess. The only thing that’s happened to BM was she was fined but she got out of that on a technicality. They’ve been ordered in counseling, but BM is being a bitch about scheduling. She has a way of turning every little thing against him and like it’s his fault.
BM plays the martyr very well and is an manipulative control freak who handled the end of her marriage as immaturely as possible. Even while they were married, she alienated the kids by convincing them that their dad was useless and treating him like he was incompetent.
Honestly, the fact that the legal system has allowed her to get away with this is as much of a driving force in continuing to go to court than actually seeing the kids because they are clearly on BM’s side and she had already destroyed his relationship with them since they were little.
Things happened at the end of their marriage that I don’t want my kids to know about. I don’t want my kids to believe that their daddy also abandoned his older kids like BM wants desperately for him to do. BM already has caused us so much grief, I don’t want her having any influence on my kids.
Honesty in age appropriate
Honesty in age appropriate language as HRNYC said.
As a father when I saw that the ex-wife was winning the alienation battle with my oldest kid I just retired from the battlefield. You cannot fight a mother who has the kids 12 out of 14 days. The boy stayed out of contact for over a decade when he re-established contact. Frankly I don't like the person he is and have little contact with him compared to my youngest who for reasons unknown me didn't fall for his mothers attempt to turn him.
My advise to Daddy: Walk away. No contact, no cards, no calls, nothing. Eventually, as adults, they'll get curious and likely come around and they can build whatever relationship seems workable.
"Walk away. No contact, no
"Walk away. No contact, no cards, no calls, nothing. Eventually, as adults, they'll get curious and likely come around and they can build whatever relationship seems workable."
The problem is this plays right into BM's hands and it drives me crazy that he essentially has to wage a PR campaign to make sure BM seems wrong. My DH has reached out to a lot of other alienated fathers and fathers rights groups and they keep giving him more and more ideas of what he should do which involves building websites devoted to how much he loves his kids and things like that.
I'll be honest. BM has a lot of power since DH cheated and she can spin everything that's happened to make my DH look as bad as possible. She'll never get past that and neither will their kids. Walking away will just confirm the negative things she says about him to them.
He has owned up to the
He has owned up to the factors that led to the affair, but his ex continues to vilify him (and me). She continues to want the kids to hate on their dad and can’t stand that after getting away from her, he’s gone on to be happy.
The advice Dr Richard Warshak gives in Divorce Position on how to handle affairs is
that the parent who was cheated on should explain that he or she couldn’t make their spouse happy enough to stay in the marriage. So the kids blame both parents, not just the parent who cheated.
BM is unable to see how she contributed to her marriage failing.
I don't think there is
I don't think there is anything so bad that your DH bears the entire blame for marriage failing. I agree to stop chasing these kids and let them stew far away, where they will not poison your family.
My SD treated my DH terribly and claims to remember before she was born that he hit her mom while she was pregnant with her? which is conveniently unprovable, like all our BM's stories are despite that we live in the 21st century, with police, phones, cameras, electricity and everything.
SD stayed away for almost a year before she was back, with her hand out, again. You really can't get rid of them that easy.
Once he stops chasing them, that is when the healing begins. Who cares if BM thinks she won some horrible prize of depriving her kids of their dad??? that is just sick. She will realize it too or at least the kids will, and come around then if they want to.
If not, your DH only gets one life. Chase people who hate him, no. Live to the fullest, yes.!
You're completely right about
You're completely right about only getting one life and living it to the fullest. It's just easier said than done. My DH has battled depression when married to BM and wasted far too many years being around her negativity and constant belittling.
The problem is so many people are judgemental and easily belief BM when she paints him as the type of guy who ran off with another woman and started another family and abandoned his kids. In reality, he finally broke free of an emotionally abusive relationship, but no one wants to see it that way.
He wants his kids to understand, but he can't do that without telling the kids negative things about their mom. Maybe eventually they understand what an evil bitch their mother is, but it's easier for them to see their dad as the bad guy because he was the one who had the affair.
Studies have shown how much
Studies have shown how much better kids turn out when their father is involved in their life, but that doesn't matter to BM. Already we know SD is having problems with cutting and is doing poorly in school.
I swear BM would be so happy if her kids lives are ruined so she can blame him for something else. She won't except any of the blame herself. She so overreacted when she found out about the affair that she destroyed her kids lives then (she moved then across the state and moved in with her sister).