yup same here my DH was never married to BM she claimed to be on birth control but got PG. i truly believe it was her plan hoping to trap him.. my DH tried to make it work for sake of child but he said it would of never worker. my SD never has know her parent to be togther since she was just infant when they split up.

I'm in this boat. DH and BM were both cheating on their girlfriend/life partner who happens to be male (BM is a "feminist" so that's her term for her boyfriend I think. Or soon to be husband. Whatever he was. They bought a house together.) of 5 on and off and nine full on years respectively. It lasted about a month before she got pregnant. BM is 8 years older than DH in her forties (he was 33 when it happened).

Eh, the level of crazy my BM is in trying to trap DH is kind of repulsive. I mean I do blame him on a level that he should have known she was crazy and not believed her.

Why she claimed she couldn't get pregnant or why he shouldn't use a condom (he actually pulled one out):
1. She's allergic to latex. I'm tempted to see if she really is since she lied about everything else.
2. She is infertile and too near menopause to be able to have kids.
3. Not only is she infertile but her cervix is messed up due to childhood rape so she can't have children because the sperm can't reach the egg or something.
4. She has Crohns and is taking a daily medication that has a side effect of birth control. She had told DH she stopped taking it for a bit, so he stopped having sex with her during that time, but then she said she was back on it so it resumed. Then when she got pregnant she said "isn't it a miracle I stopped taking it?"

What happened:
1. DH talked to her life partner after the whole thing, her allergy to latex was news to him, but they never used a condom anyway because she was supposedly infertile. They never had kids in the 9 years they were together.
2. Obviously this wasn't true.
3. Obviously this wasn't true either.
4. There is a medication with the side effect that exists for Crohns.... but she doesn't have Crohns (found out from her mother) but was taking medication of some sort (confirmed by her ex who also thought she had Crohns.)

My take on it:
1. She lied about the latex allergy because she wanted unprotected sex to have kids with whoever she has her eye on (people in a position of power--she is a circus performer and her ex is a ringmaster and SO teaches martial arts on the side.)
2 and 3 were just lies about why she couldn't have kids to get DH to have unprotected sex with her.
4. We think she was actually on birth control because she didn't want kids (she says she did but she doesn't like children... as evidenced by her flipping out at kids who take attention away from her... yelling and shittalking young children by a 40 something woman--can you imagine?) But since her partner did, she had to make some excuse as to why she was taking medication every day. At least she does her homework.

So when she knew he would not leave his GF to be with her, and it was going to be a short thing, she thought the only way to get him would be to have kids.

Personally I think if he gave in and married her when she told him that was the right thing to do and began making a big deal about having a child he will be spending ALL his time and energy on, and not her because he doesn't love her (which he told her to her face), she would probably have terminated. No joke on this one. Unfortunately he tried to be involved for a bit and then when he didn't want to be controlled anymore, she flipped.

Yes, her mother knows she's crazy and made her move states away to stay with her. Yes, her sister knows she's crazy and everyone surreptitiously offered their condolences to him.

I fear your story is what is going to happen to us. BM spouts lies covered up by pretending to be a victim while manipulating everyone. She broke up a bunch of DH's friendships and isolated him. I have no doubt that SS will grow up in the warped world of his mother and there is nothing any of us can do about it.

You cannot, unless through something very traumatic, change a BELIEF system. That is why although some people, although their beliefs and ideas are completely irrational, mean, and horrible to us, if they do it in the name of their belief (most often religion), it is impossible to reason/logic with them.

Anyway, if I have boys, I am going to make DH talk their ears off about not believing women about their reproductive capacity ever. Ever.

My husband was never married to his ex. They dated for about 3 months and she was "supposely" taking the pill. He never even talked about marriage with her. IMO she saw money in him at that time and even some of his friends had told him that she has mentioned to them that she is set for life thinking he will marry her. DH tried to live with BM while she was pregnant but apperantly she had raging episodes and he couldn't take it and left right after she was born so SD has never seen them together. BM has been poising SD ever since. I believe she's doing so because of her ego and also because of now her jealousy towards me and our marriage. There was times when I first met DH, SD would come up to me and say "Daddy will never get married". Well I proved the biatch wrong. It takes 2 to make a baby but it also takes 2 to make a such important life decision about marriage.

With us right when we first met we discussed family and DH said he wants more kids and wants to get married. So here we are 4 years later with 2 beautiful babies of our own. And BM is poisoning SD now even more as her goal is to ruin our marriage. She's looking at it, Oh he didn't marry me and left me with a child so I will take all his money away and make his life misarable. Sick Sick person.

I also notice the big topic about "Posion Control" and Kids that suffer after their parents have divorced but I think its 50/50 married couples that divorced and couples that were never married. It's too bad that the kids have to suffer because of their parents that split. If a parent truly cares and loves their child they would move on from the situation and focus on their child only, not trying to "pay the ex partner back" for that they didn't work out. Ughhh

They were only BF/GF but had a very tumultuous relationship from the start. My DH found out she was pregnant about the same time he found out that she was having sex with other guys as well (she kept a calendar :jawdrop: with initials so she could figure out which day she had sex with which guy!! Talk about trying to figure out who to pin CS on!

They had been broken up for many months when she came knocking on his doorstep, big as a house pregnant AGAIN, claiming it was his. She also threw a fit when he wanted to DNA test them. He was so scared that he wouldnt' be able to see his kids again that he gave in. Dumb ass.

OP makes a great point. I often wonder if skids of non-married or ONS situation are even more screwed up. If the parents are already married and "accidentally" get pregnant, at least there was a foundation to begin with where the parents intended to be a family together. But, sadly with ONS or non-married, there was no intent to be together so both bios probably send subtle signals that the kid wasn't really wanted. That's why my SD has serious identity crisis right now. It's sad but true and I hate my life with her! Uuuhhh :O

I don't believe the "She said she was on birth control" or "She said she can't get pregnant". I call bullshit. DH's are just too embarrassed (and scared) to admit the truth...they wanted sex and birth control was the furthest thing from their mind at that time. They know if they told the truth they would show what idiots they are AND they know we would be pissed at them!

My DH also knocked up at GF at 19 (who of course supposedly told him she was on the shot, yeah yeah whatever). They got engaged but it didn't last long. Baby was born after they split up. BM is a piece of work and abandoned SD when she was 5.

My husband also cheated on me with numerous women and never used a condom...men are dumb and I really believe birth control rarely crosses their minds.

BM and DH were not married when SS was born. They married when he was almost a year old. Then divorced about 4 months later. In that 4 months she stopped going to work and told him multiple times she didn't WANT to work anymore. She stopped cooking and cleaning and basically became the lazy sloth that she is now... That is NOT what DH signed up for.

After reading your post and the responses, I realize how common this actually is! I have SD4 and my DH was never married to the BM either. BM basically tried to trap DH by getting pregnant when they were having problems and thought a baby would “bring them closer”- her words lol. Obviously that didn’t work. DH wanted her to get an abortion but she “doesn’t believe in abortion.” So she had the baby, & now DH and I are pretty much stuck with SD. BM rarely takes her when she is supposed to and when she does take her from us, she just pushes SD off on a relative. She’s a total POS. She just had her third baby with her third baby daddy and none of them have married her. I guess some people just have no sense lol they think that is the way to get a man. I really have no explanation because it never, EVER works.

DH and BM didn't get married until SD as 6 months old and DH had a blood test done. Still wasn't conclusive like a DNA test, but I guess it was good enough for DH and he married BM. They separated right after SD turned 2 and both immediately moved on, so SD doesn't remember them together at all. Both were remarried by the time SD was 4.

frustrated-mom, I see what you are saying, but in most regards, whether the child lived through a divorce or even remember his/her parents ever being together is not really the point. Most conflict post-divorce arises from two people who cannot stand each other and use the children to punish each other. Or even just one parent who does that, leaving the other baffled. This can happen in any relationship, including one night stands where the father might not have ever wanted the child to exist in the first place. It's the continual bitterness/anger that perpetuates the problems. Children who long for their parents to be back together is not much of a concern in most families with two loving parents/sparents. Handled appropriately, children can grow up normal and happy no matter what the beginnings. That said, there are children growing up in well-off intact families who grow up to be psychopaths. Go figure!

My husband and skid's baby momma were never married. In fact, from what i'm told from members of hubby's family, they were together about TWO WEEKS when he brought her home and said "oh this is Shannon my GF and she's pregnant, and proceeded to MOVE HER IN with him to his PARENTS HOME".......it was also suggested to him, by pretty much ALL of his family that he IMMEDIATELY have a paternity test when that kid was born. My husband is such a loving but SHIT FUCKING NAIVE STUPID guy...he refused! Baby momma is a drug user, was caught stealing percocet and oxycontin from my now sister in law's medicine cabinet when she was pregnant with the kid. (sis in law has MS and had pain meds for some of her symptoms). Besides Autism, which the causes are still somewhat unknown, the kid has a host of other physical problems. I would STAKE MY LIFE on the fact that she did a HOST of drugs and that most if not all of this child's physical and emotional problems are the cause of her drug abuse.

Dad and baby momma stayed together till the kid was about 1.5 yrs old, when she proceeded to STEAL HUBBYS MOTHERS CREDIT CARD and charge 2 tickets for her and the kid, along with a bunch of cartons of cigarettes, for flight to FLORIDA! Hubby went there after like a month and got the kid and brought him back. Has had him, CUSTODY although not legal custody, EVER SINCE. Kid is 9. She NEVER tried to EVER EVER EVER get her kid back, not once........now i'm stuck with a SKID with shitloads of problems, none of which are his fault, but still.....and HUBBY won't even take her for CHILD SUPPORT. She gets WELFARE or $ somewhere.....i want my share!!!! I finally got him to AGREE the next day he has off to go to the courthouse and file on her.

He was too dumb to find out if this kid was his or not, and he don't look like him, my bet is a big old OH HELL NO, but was SMART enough never to MARRY her waste-of-oxygen ass!!!!!!!!

Please Baby Momma, clean up your act and COME TAKE THIS DAMN KID!!!!

Sorry posted twice

Me! And it drives me nuts that a woman who in an ideal world would have been just another forgotten few month fling is now elevated to feeling like she's some important family figure to my bf and his parents. She was on drugs and got knocked up- drop the golden vagina syndrome already. Now some trashy woman who he didn't love is a part of our lives FOREVER and has all this weird pull over him, and like 15 grand a year in CS checks. She acts like some scorned wife too.

My DH and BM weren't married. They separated when DSD was 1, and I met DH shortly before she was 2.
They were in a long term relationship and DSD was created out of love. I can't deny that because it's a fact. They were engaged and then she decided to have an affair with DH's father. (I've never met the guy and I don't want to, he is out of DH's life for good)

DSD doesn't know any different. She's 5 now and DH and I have been together for 4 years.

BM and I are the same age, DH is a couple years older. (We're all in our mid-late 20s). I come from an in tact family wheras him and her are both children of divorce.
I learned how to deal with the situation (took a little bit of time but it works now). I'm close to my sister who's divorced from her child's father and saw her side what it's like to deal with a POS BD. And he really -was- a POS. He died last year, mind.. substance abuse and whatnot. She was a fantastic support and a great example to learn from.

Not overstepping came fairly easily. She's not my child so I treat her like I treat my niece except she sleeps over more often.

But the way I see it is sometimes separation can be a positive thing. It's a great example how sometimes some people just aren't meant to be together. Doesn't mean they're bad people or that they don't love you, just just weren't a good match for each other. It's better than staying together and fighting all the time, isn't it?
All you can do is do a better job picking the right match the next time round and demonstrating what a good marriage looks like. If you're lucky the child gets to see it twice!

As for their reason for break up, I don't know if DSD will ever be told or not, it's not a nice thing to hear. So I'm sticking with the whole 'not a good match, try again' theory. Kind of life a jigsaw puzzle. Some of the pieces don't fit together though they get along really well sometimes.