First of all, I would recommend splitting finances. If you don't have a voice in your own house, then you should at LEAST have a voice with your own MONEY. Then, quit paying for her car. AND, since it is registered in your name, SELL IT. Do whatever you need to do to get that car OUT of your name. Right now YOU ARE LIABLE if she does anything stupid with the car. Who pays for insurance?

Talk to her BM and strongly encourage the SD going to live with her mother. That would be the easiest way to end this mess.

Then you might want to think about marriage counseling to get your DH to see that his decisions affect more than just HIM and his daughter.

"That car is in my name and I will call the police and report it stolen if it leaves this driveway." If he doesn't like it, he can get the title changed.

If it's in your name it's yours not his car not her car yours you can remove it from her anytime you want. If she takes it without your permission it's called a stolen vehicle and you report it, inform your DH just this it isn't his he has no say. and you repeat just what you did "This is my life and I'm not going to tolerate it", but then what will you do if he just ignores you, you have to be able to hold your ground and find your boundary, if you do xyz I do abc.

It is more than wrong that skids have the option of leaving one set of parents to go live with another when the going gets tough. Bios can't do that. They are forced to either cope or adapt. They are stuck with the parents they have!

"Since when does that type of behavior have options instead of consequences??"

Agree with Echo: "I don't care if she's on fire...don't pee on her to put her out."

Withdraw and disengage completely. Especially with the finances.

Take the damn car away. It's in YOUR name. If she gets into an accident and kills someone it will come back on YOU. (Sounds extreme, yes, but if she's that out of control who knows how she's driving around?)

Put an ad on CL and sell the damn thing. Use the money to hire a divorce lawyer if your husband doesn't like it.

You are giving her way too much power over your household. If the car is in your name, it disappears...If not, you need to start separating finances immediately to cover yourself with liabilities.

Get her phone turned off.why would you pay and have in your name a priviledge for a spoilt brat.she made her bed,now she can lay in it.no one should treat you like she has,and she shouldnt get away with it.she cant apologies then you do NO favours for her!

Pretty simple. Change the locks the next time SD is at school and DH is at the office. When they arrive home tell DH that he will immediately address every issue with SD as he KNOWS is the right way or as YOU tell him to or the divorce papers that your attorney has prepared will be filed. Of course you must already have the separation/divorce papers prepared by the attorney and the CS ready to invoke immediatley. Since DH is the CP for your SD you have a huge finantial advantage to leverage and if your DH does not find his sack and man up quickly you will have to play this card early before DH gives SD back to the abandoning BM. Once that happens your boys are relegated to the second family status and SD gets the financial advantage of being a first family CS child unless your CS is invoked first.

His decision, he steps up and parents his daughter, sets a clear example of what a father and man is for his sons and lives up to his commitment to you as your husband or he loses his wife, sons, home and life as he knows it.

End of problem one way or the other.

No child should be the victim of inept parenting including your SD and younger sons, or daughters for that matter, should never be exposed to the toxic ineptitude of a father not manning up and doing his husbandly, fatherly, manly duties.

All IMHO of course.

I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap particularly with men. Since I am a man I am much more sensitive to manly failings than I am to failings from women. Though I have zero tolerance either way. My son (SS-20) has had diametrically opposed examples from me as his father since he was 15mos old and his worthless POS SpermIdiot. I have been a steady provider, firm disciplinarian, mentor, dvocate and faithfully and lovingly married to his mom while his SpermIdiot has been his video game buddy and gone on to spawn my SS's three younger also out-of-wedlock half sibs by two more baby mamas all while living rent free in SpermGrandMa and SPermGrandPa's rental property driving their hand me down vehicles while they paid his CS obligation to my son and raise the three younger SpermIdiot spawn in their home with no help from the SpermIdiot.

My son has little use for his SpermIdiot and has gone on to be a young man of honor, integrity and character. I hope in some part due to my example but I believe more so because he will do anything to not be like his SpermIdiot.

I would suggest that you use the crappy example that DH is setting for his sons as leverage to get him to man up. Bare his ass by pointing out not only how he is failing his daughter and his wife but how he is failing his boys. If he fails to man up then you have to protect your boys from that example as much as possible.

Again, IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Rags:

You are are so right, men can be harsher judges of other men than women are, esp. when it comes to things like child neglect, cruelty to women, not getting a job and so on. Does it depend on their own mother? I had a friend whose husband abandoned her and went to live with his mother, and my husband was so stunned. He said, "my mother wouldn't have let me near her house if I ditched my wife and children." Yet I think that I would probably take care of my son if he ditched his kids and needed a place to live.

Or maybe not; maybe I'd offer my grandchildren a place to live. I'm a pretty soft touch for people in need and I'm not real proud of that because so many people are willing to take advantage and even knowing that, I'm still the same. My husband always says "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I would immediately open my own bank account, have my direct deposit changed, if applicable, and immediately cancel anything that is in my name and enjoyed by SD. Find out whose name is on the title of the car. If it is just yours, sell it. If both of your names are on it, I agree with removing yourself from your husband's policy and getting your own...after checking with an attorney regarding any legalities, etc. I would not spend another dime of my money on SD.

Hold them ACCOUNTABLE

Its know different than when the skids are in a teachers' class at their school. They must obey the rules. No child or their parent can tell YOU what to do. They may suggest what they want, however when it all falls down, you have the last say. And yes BM or BF will not like it but so WHAT.
I heard when I got married," You knew he had children when you got with him", and my response to that was, "he knew I didn't have children". The issues with BM and SKIDS is NOT your problem it is his. Your only concern is to make sure YOU hold BM or BF responsible for taking care of their child financially and hold him accountable for the rules and regs you have set forth for your home and well being... Dont get emotional, stay calm and remember to stand your ground!!!!

You need to put your foot down NOW! I didn't and i TOTALLY regret it. In my case, Guilty daddy pays almost his entire salary to the "first family" leaving me to support him and myself alone. He also got used to being the "king of the castle" back in the early years when he still had "feeings of love" (TM) for me.

Now that I'm older and less "hot", guilty daddy rules over me with an iron fist--has made threats about killing me, my grown bios, you name it should I ever force him out of MY house. All because I didn't establish boundaries from day one while I had some sort of "leverage." This is because I "felt sorry" for him and accepted him into my house almost ten years ago. I actually sold my beloved suburbanesque home that my children grew up in and bought another property that was in way worse shape (should have been condemned and it's on a wetland that I didn't know about) so that he could be "closer to his kids" (TM). They eventually PASed out as he spent countless weekends be-friending and kissing up to them (which causes them to PAS out even faster in my experience) Of course he blames the PASout on me and not his ex-wife and her family's continual trashing of him and me in front of his "knee high to a grasshopper" kids for six years straight.

If you can do something like I did (my vehicles are all paid for beaters) you can try this. I secretly put one of my Ford F150s that guilty daddy considers HIS in HIS name. Got separate insurance on it under his name only. Why? because although he was driving his work truck at the time, guilty daddy likes to have temper tantrums on the road and literally put his fist into other people's cars for tailgating him (in this case an out of state BMW) There's no way I will have that coming back on me!

In addition to all of these great ideas/help. May I strongly suggest that you and your DH get to a good family counselor that specializes in Blended Families/Step Parenting. Also, just my view, find an expert in the field. Someone whose well known, a PhyD perhaps. You won't need to go very often I can assure however, it's very important that as the SM you are heard in a neutral,safe environment (safe meaning you can speak the truth & hubby has to hear you). You should gain some quick, direct answers that you can implement immediately. I understand how trying it is to keep your marriage strong when the Skids behaviors are ruling your home. Just my suggestion because its so challenging from my experience to really be heard in a health, adult, mature fashion - when tempers are high. Good luck

:jawdrop:

I am so sorry that you and your two young children are being put through this. It is not stable for anyone.

I feel that your husband is doing what a lot of parents tend to do with their kids when they are divorced. One parent feels that they must meet all the demands of their child and allow the child to make the decisions simply because they do not want their child to prefer the other parent. It is common and normal for your husband to feel this way, however it is not acceptable. In my home, my children never have nor ever will take control of MY home. I feel that she should have privileges taken from her such as her car, and if your husband is unwilling to take it from her then she can start paying for it along with all her gas, the insurance, the maintenance, etc.

Do her and her BM talk or see one another regularly? Where I live, at the age of 12, a child can option to petition the court to have the right to choose where they want to live, and there are other things taken into consideration to determine this, but for the most part, what the child wants is taken into major thought.

I know you do not want to reward bad behavior, but have you thought about taking her out for a girls day? That way its just the two of you and you two could have a chance to just talk about what is going on, figure out what her deal is? Its looking to find a positive approach to allow her to confide in you. If you do this, then its best if you just let her talk and remain positive and encouraging to what she says. Show her that you understand her feelings and that you care about her... That is one approach that I can think of...

If that does not work, then you can tell your husband to figure something else out and that you are your other two children are leaving. Ask him why he thinks its okay for her to treat you and everyone else like garbage and him cater to her, yet forget the fact that he has two younger children that do not need to be raised around that. Ask him why you deserve that, ask him why they do? See what he says. If he is unwilling to take matters to fix the problem, then there is your answer, if he is willing, then you have the other answer, stay and try and help him work on things and work together as a team, as it should be.