New: Help in Step parenting
I'm new to this site, to step parenting, and I could really use encouragement and advice please. I've been married just a year. I was single for 5 years and felt that I found the perfect guy. My step children accepted me with open arms and everything was great when the wedding came around. In the beginning, my husbands ex was withdrawn, very little to say, and curt at best. I wrote a letter to her early on to meet her and talk about the kids and she declined. She was not interested. I was a bit hurt but was okay with it.
Fast forward a few months and his ex is now texting and calling my husband every day. And although they do coparent I don't believe it's all necessary and I feel left out. My step children are now being disrespectful and rude to me. And although my husband will stand up for me if he hears their hurtful words, it continues each time they visit.
Yesterday, my husband moved to his parents because I told him I feel like a babysitter because I have no say in parenting. I was watching the kids while my husband worked. His daughter had been texting and talking to her mom about a sleepover. In short, my stepdaughter informed me that her mom said no matter what she was going to that sleepover. Even though I had planned a family event for weeks now. I feel completely disrespected. My husband came home, allowed his ex to run our house and took his daughter to a sleepover.
I love my husband and these children very much, but I know Im not handling this the way i should. Im hurt, angry, depressed, and frustrated at different times while they are here. How do I work past this? And how can I get my husband to understand that my feelings are not being taken into consideration?
The children are 12 girl, and
The children are 12 girl, and 10 boy. I guess because the bonding was going so well I assumed the marriage would just continue that way. Now it's a constant anxiety and dread I feel. Yesterday was just the final straw for me and that's when I made the decision to disengage. I told my husband he could find a babysitter for today while he worked because im just a babysitter. I truly don't know what else to do other than leave the marriage. The children make me feel completely incompetent: they won't eat my food, they complain to my husband if i ask them to do something, they text or call their mom if they don't like something I've done, and the list goes on. I've taken them on so many adventures and we've done so much together yet I see them becoming more and more distant. And my husband is now supporting them and stating that I am causing division with his children and they will not want to come over if he tells them 'no'. I of course am aware this is not right parenting, but I can't agree with him either.
Hello Breezy, I'm so sorry
Hello Breezy,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Is so very hurtful, I know, I've lived it for 7 years.
You need to get the book Stepmonster right away and get marriage counseling ASAP (the marriage counselor will tell your DH that YOU and your MARRIAGE are priority). When you read the book Stepmonster you will begin to see you are not alone and that almost every Stepmother goes through the misery and uncomfortable feelings you have.
This book was a Godsend to me. Like you, my skids were ingrates, BM was a pain in the ass who lived to make my life hard and my DH was completely unsupportive. I thought I was alone in feeling resentful, helpless, confused, angry, hurt etc., until I found this book.
Anyway, here is Wednesday Martins' info on disengaging. (I've been disengaged for 8 weeks now and it's the only thing that made me feel human again.)
DISENGAGING
To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.
*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.
Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.
************************************************************************
Here is a very HELPFUL review on Stepmonster. Couldn't have said it better myself
I find this review hit the nail on the head.
"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.
Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."
Good luck to you! Your DH needs to read this book too!
Visitation is standard but my
Visitation is standard but my husband also coaches all their sports so we see the children quite often. He is a good dad, but it takes priority over our marriage and me feeling like we're in a partnership. There is no talking to him because he won't compromise. It truly saddens me because whatever he would need to make our marriage feel stronger I would work on it. He knows this hurts me but doesn't think I have a valid point.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. you've been very helpful and confirmed so many things.
I think this is where I just
I think this is where I just lack maturity in all of this. I tend to argue and try to make my husband understand. It's like talking to a brick wall though. And I'm left even more hurt.:(
'No matter what you say ot him about how you feel he will always be a disney dad and he will always put them first. You can choose two things.
Stay in the fun park but get off their rides.
or
Leave the park for good'
Your statement and advise really summed it up good. Thank you, thank you.
Wonderful post!
Wonderful post!
'To him, you are complaining,
'To him, you are complaining, nagging, and causing problems. To him, his concerns are real, but yours are not because you are not their mother. Therefore, you are trying to come between him and his children. That's the way he sees it, and he can't let that happen is the way he feels.'
This is exactly how he feels.:( I'm so burned out right now. I just want to remove myself from everything. It makes me so upset because we are such a role model around friends and the church and yet I am dying inside.
Your suggestions are very valuable and I will take the steps needed: counseling, parenting classes, and the book.
Thank you for taking the time to help me.
Sueu2 has made excellent
Sueu2 has made excellent points. But the one you need to take the most notice of is:
If you don't have the nerve to stand up to him, and tell him the marriage is dependant on the two of you attending counselling.
I did what you did at first, tried to play nice. You can't play nice with people who are not nice. Then my husband had me convinced for the longest time that it was all my fault, I didn't try, I didn't like his kids, I didn't want him to have a relationship with his kids, and a million other things, and his kids were all in their twenties.
After a while the fights were so bad I got scared to say anything to him about his kids for fear of setting of the time bomb. Well, after the abuse I took for 8 years I finally didn't give a stuff if the marriage ended, I finally stood up to him, told his daughter never to come here again, and told my DH he was welcome to go with her.
Interesting enough after him bullying me (and looking back that's what it was) for all those years, he pulled his head in. Things are not all cotton candy here by a long shot, but they sure a whole lot better than before.
8 years I put up with this to scared to speak. Do not make that mistake. Speak up and follow Sueu2 advice.
My DH moved out and said
My DH moved out and said he'll be back on Friday and that he needs time. Since I blew up and told him I wasn't taking this anymore, he was angry and packed his things. But why do I feel so much guilt? Ugh. I haven't called or texted him. I don't feel like I can ask him to come home if I'm just going to be walked on again by the SKs.:(
Breezey, I am glad you have
Breezey, I am glad you have not texted or called him. I imagine you are feeling guilt because he has always made you feel as if you are the problem, that feeling does not go away overnight. It takes time.
If he loves you he will change his ways and return. Note: I said change his ways first, not return then hope he does.
He has treated you badly Breezey, you know that, and if you had not stood up to him and said no more, he would have continued to do so.
You also need time, you need to decide what kind of marriage you want, how you want to be treated in that marriage. If he returns on Friday and says he will change, I think I would make sure he proved it by getting to counselling and parenting classes with you. Talk is cheap Breezey, it is easy for us to believe them, we love them and we want to believe the best of them. However, sometimes the best of them truly is pretty rotten.
Use this time to look into counselling and parenting classes so that if he comes back and if you want to sort this out, you have a plan and a couple of appointments already set in place. Who knows by Friday you may actually not want him back.
Thanks for your post. It
Thanks for your post. It gives me the strength to continue to stand up for our marriage and for the respect I know I deserve. To be honest, he really does feel like I am the problem so for him to be gone he thinks he is just punishing me and I will straighten up. I doubt he has intentions of looking at how the children are using the divide and conquer tactic. It's depressing really. He is my best friend and I don't even have that.
I completely agree. And
I completely agree. And that's a whole other argument. If they had had this kind of relationship when we were dating I would have hit the door running. Their reconciliation from their divorce didn't occur I guess until him and I married. So now I feel like they share this common bond and are in constant contact and I'm held at arms reach. I've asked him to ask her to please contact him each evening so that him and I can parent together and he said no and it's all about the children. I really feel like she enjoys the control she has over him.