(First Post)A lose lose situation as they say... Need advice
Hey All, I just want to start of by saying im glad I found this forum. Your posts and advice has been a guiding light for me recently. I decided to post finally and see if anyone could offer advice. I will try and make a long story as short as possible.
I met my current spouse on a business trip to her home state. We hit it off immediately despite our age difference (17 years) and even kept in contact after I had went back home. We made plans for her to come visit me, and after her trip we both decided that this was the real thing and we would continue to fly across the country to see eachother. After several trips we decided it was the real thing and made conscious plans for me to move to her home state so that we could be together. The reason for me moving was that she had 3 children in her home state and I had none. I had made this compromise and decided I would be the one to move and leave my family because she had 3 children and a young grand child, and I have no children. I was hesitant at first being that I had no children of my own and I had no prior interactions with SD 25, SS20. I had met SD19 on one of my spouses trips. She is a college student who was very nice and we got along. She goes to school in the midwest and is only home maybe 4 times a year. She eleviated my concerns when I would ask how her children would feel about me by saying "My kids are grown, Its my turn to have a life". So I packed up my stuff moved 2,500 miles.
About a month after I got there we found a beautiful 1500 square foot condo, 3 bedrooms, 2 bath, with a big living room and a den. I immediately, being the man that I am, fell in love with it because the den would provide me the space and piece of mind that I would need when I wanted to be alone to my own thoughts. Boy was I wrong!!!! Now I had heard negative things about SS20 before I moved here, but it always seemed like it was due to a bad attitude. I had no idea the mental and emotional issues this kid is afflicted by. She never prepared me for this. He hears voice in "his Head", and has irrational delusions of people doing negative things to him. He is constantly speculating someone is breaking into the house and setting up surveilance equipment. I looked these symptoms up on the internet, and the results came back as paranoid scizophrenic. Not to mention he has anger issues that make him go into fits of rage. A good example is before I moved out here they got into an argument at the house she lived at prior. He went into a fit of rage and smashed a cair, and then slammed the front door so hard it cracked the door frame and caused $500 of property damage. When I asked her how she resolved the issue and she said quote unquote "I told him I was not happy about it, and he apologized". I said "WHAT?!?!?!", "you talked about it and he apologized?", "what were the consequences?". She looked at me like i was growing three heads. Now i dont know how some of you were raised, but how i was raised the way you learned right from wrong and what was exceptable behavior is you had consequences to your actions. I told her no wonder your son doesnt respect anyone much less you, because he feels he can do whatever the F*&% he wants!!!! He is rude, has poor higene, does not pay any bills, is constantly disrupting the sanctity of the house by showing everyopne in the house a negative attitude, and going into fits of irrational thinking that I can only describe as phsycosis. Oh and the best part, he recently lost his job due to an altercation at work and is now back living with us! Pregnant SD25 recently moved in with her boyfriend until they can find a place. I have no personal space. Everytime I try to give advice to my spouse or tell her Im upset she says its because I just dont like here kids. Just once I would like to come home and not find somebody sleeping on the couch in MY den, or wtaching the cable that I PAY FOR IN MY DEN ON MY TV, Not have to worry about going grocery shopping every two days because SS20 the machine eats us out of house and home, and just not to have the general stress from the multiple personalities in the house. My spouse thinks its because I have grown up an only child and that I am selfish. I am beginning to resent her, the kids, and the house that I live in. I'd almost rather die then come home and see all these people scattered all over my house.
I have been following this forum for a while and I have noticed a reoccuring theme. Whenever there is dependant ADULT step children in the home it almost always results in the relationship being destroyed. Am I just wasting my time here? Am i better off just packing up and moving out now while I have a chance? Am I being selfish or do I have a reasonable gripe here? Any advice would help. I am just tired of feeling like im going through this battle alone. I dont think I am selfish. I am a good man who has helped take care of my family my entire life. I practically raised my niece and nephew with my brother. I have always been employed and I try to be understanding to others but I am at my wits end with this situation.
I might also add that the
I might also add that the lose lose situation is this. My options all have negative affects for me. I move out so that I dont have to deal with it anymore, and basically there is no future in this relationship. I stay and become even more miserable I lose. I tell my spouse that SS20 has to leave, and then all of his siblings look at me like I pushed him out and hate me forever. Just a little background SS20 has been kicked out of multiple family members houses including BD who would not let him come back. My spouse even offered SD25 that she would pay half her rent for a two bedroom if SS20 could come live with her, and she said she wouldnt do it. Nobody can stand this kid.
They are probably afraid of
They are probably afraid of him.
I'm pretty sure every single
I'm pretty sure every single person on here is going to tell you this: Run for your life and don't look back!!
The problem with your
The problem with your relationship is you basically had a long distance relationship and never got to know the kids before getting married.
You really didn't know what you were getting into but that's your fault for jumping into a marriage with someone you've only had a long distance relationship with. It's hard to get to know a person when you're in a long distance relationship and for what sounds like a short period of time. Fortunately, these are all mistakes that can be undone.
Like someone else once said - the problem isn't the kids - the problem is your WIFE. It's obvious the two of you have different ideas on parenting. Parenting is cause of problems even in unblended families.
You can stay - and be miserable. Or you can leave. Sure, you lose your wife, but how can you respect someone who doesn't make their own kids respect her? Doesn't seem like she's much of a prize anyway.
IMHO I believe that the
IMHO I believe that the mother is the problem as in she sounds like she is wrecking her own kids. I'm not hearing what she is doing to motivate them or prepare them to get out on their own. They may always be in & out of your new home but how long can you honestly put up with that sort of a lifestyle? Its one thing when step kids are a pain in the butt as kids & teenagers, your talking about adults here-yikes!
Advice is follow your heart & you got to put yourself first in this situation. Hope that helps though its a short reply.
Yes. go. Now. I get that you
Yes. go. Now. I get that you love this woman, but sadly at their ages they should all be on their own and never will be. She is showing you the rest of your life now.....
Your wife has her head in the
Your wife has her head in the sand. SS20 needs some serious help.
Your SS definitely has signs
Your SS definitely has signs of Paranoid Schizophrenia, and if he does not get help and meds, it will only get worse. And he has to stay on those meds for life, and be completely consistent with them. If he does have this disorder, he cannot help himself, and that is why he cannot function. Your wife seems to have no problem in allowing him to continue living with her. I do not know how long your SS has had these symptoms, but it may have been a couple of years or more by now.
You should have been told about this, but I have a gut feeling that your wife has become accustomed to this, and therefore figured you would, too. She had no business marrying you and then expecting you to take on the SS and the pregnant SD. Sadly, this is common. I almost feel like she set you up, but then again, does she have mental illness?
I was lucky-my DH's kids showed their true colors before we got engaged. I made it crystal clear to him that they will never move in with us, nor will we support them. My DH agreed, but if he ever changed his mind, I would be gone. I love him very much, but I could never live with them.
I feel that you need to separate from your wife, and maybe even just file for divorce. It does not sound like she ever stopped enabling her kids, and she may never stop. She never sought help for her son, because like I said, this is her reality. But, it does NOT have to be yours.
My brother has been an addict for 15 years. This past year he finally caused me to disown him. He crossed the line. My dad has had it, too. The ONLY one supporting him has been my mom. She has no life, lives in poverty because he is her entire world. She keeps waiting for him to get better. He is never going to get better bc he does not want to. My relationship with her is destroyed, but she has allowed it. If your wife is anything like this, you are in for a long and sad road. Trust me on this. Your wife can make things better, but only she can do that if she WANTS to.
Please do not get dragged into this mess any further. There is NOTHING you can do to fix it. I feel badly for her son, but there is nothing you can do. Your wife has to make changes, and I do not think she wants to.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the adivce. I think the majority opinion around here is that I am in over my head. I do want to throw out a disclaimer and say that my spouse really is a great person. I think she has just tried her whole life to go above and beyond to make up for an absenty father of her children who when he was around beat her, and abused her emotionally and mentally. I do appreciate all of you taking the time to try and offer up any advice to help guide me through what has been one of the lonliest times in my life.
The no-win situation you are
The no-win situation you are in is frustrating. I agree - your wife was not honest with you before the marriage, and this must be addressed. Otherwise, before long trust will begin to fade and so will the integrity of the marriage. The longer you live in the situation, the longer you are invested financially. Are you presently supporting the people who are camped out in your home?
My brother was diagnosed with
My brother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia at 18. He is 47 and my mom still basically takes care of him. My grandmother owned a house about an hour away from my mom which my brother has lived in for over 20 years now (it was inherited by my parents).
So there is where this can go, 22 years of dysfunction.
The house is basically disgusting and in complete disrepair because my brother does nothing. My mother thought she was helping but now she has basically lost control of the situation.
One reason for this is that she has enabled his behavior, she feels partially responsible for him being the way he is and guilty. I am not sure why but maybe just being a parent that is the normal reaction to dealing with someone that you know has issues. He does not take medication, refuses therapy and my mom plays along with the game. It is very sad and has done nothing but make the situation worse.
He has not had a normal job, ever. She pays for all of his bills, she will buy him beer if he asks for it, she justifies his horrible treatment of others (point in case both my sister and myself do not have any kind of relationship with him because he is mean and violent).
He also hears voices, makes things up (sees people that are not there etc), does not take care of his hygiene, and is a loose cannon (has been prone to violent outbursts and once took a knife out to my father).
My mother is now 80 and because she has spent her whole life with her head in the sand (much like how your spouse is doing right now) he is not only completely dependent on her for his survival but she is scared to do anything with him.
So my advice to you is that this is where you can go.... if your spouse does nothing, refuses to address your SS issues (medication, therapy, outpatient, etc.) then it is not going to get better, just progressively worse. You cannot "fix" mental illness by thinking if you lay ground rules the other person will abide by them. This needs to be done with serious help from doctors.
On top of all this... my brother has major entitlement issues. Even though the house he lives in, which he never paid for, refuses to fix, cannot pay taxes or bills on, belongs to my mother. He has said that the house is "his." He feels like my mother owes him. She created this, your spouse is creating the same thing.
Either fix it, fix it fast, or get out while you still can!!!!!
If he doesn't get on meds his
If he doesn't get on meds his brain will get damaged. I was in a similar situation and now the dependent is married and on her own due to being on anti psychotics. The M.D. told my DH that the brain is actually damaged when the person is not on meds. He has to get on meds right away if he has a chance of ever being independent.
She has a son who is from
She has a son who is from your account mentally ill. No mother would throw a mentally ill child out, no matter how old the child. You cannot expect her to. However you have every right to expect she acknowledge this illness and get her son into treatment
It bothers me that she hasn't done this already. I wonder what the hell she is thinking. Is she in denial about get sons mental health.
Mum clearly has some issues of het own going on here. Only you can decide what is best for you. But if your wife refuses to allow you peace quiet and privacy in your own home, if she refuses to acknowledge her sons mental health problems and thinks it is fine to move in the pregnant daughter AND her boyfriend. You have bigger problems with your wife than you do with these kids.
He is may be not sick, some
He is may be not sick, some people are just have terrible behavior while staying with parents. He needs to move out, and daughter and her boyfriend, they are adults. If your partner can't understand you are not comfortable, be smarter. You can start "simulate" some illness, say you are very tired and doctor said you need quite space and less stress for next year or so, rent a room or apartments nearby and come to see your girlfriend daily to have dinners together and sex from time to time. Find a job to travel a lot. Slide away. Don't make ultimatum, just do what you need to do quietly.