To biodads... Have you cut contact with child?
If you have I'd love to hear from you. I need some clarity on my husband's circumstances.
My dh had a brief and volatile relationship 18 years ago with what he describes as a "psycho". She became pregnant immediately, against dh wishes. He was in the process of leaving the relationship when this happened. He stayed on in the relationship until it finally permanently ended about 2 years later when she moved thousands of miles away. She tried reconciliation a few times but dh declined and was relieved that he finally had his life back. The stories are horrific. She has a narcissistic personality that is brutal and impossible.
Long story short, after about one year after she moved she remarried and told my dh that the child has a new father and to butt out. Changed address and phone and threatened police if he tried to locate. Then she filed child support nazis and theyve stalked him ever since. And that was the last he's heard from them. Fast forward. Child is 16 and makes contact. Dh immediately replies that he does not want to meet and would not be reading any further emails should he be sent any. I felt terrible about how coldly he handled it so I asked if I could message her back and iron that out a bit. So I did and I was able to convince dh to allow her to visit and meet her finally. He reluctantly agreed. Heavily warning me that the ex was psychotic and that he knew from that one email from the daughter that she too was not right psychologically.
She visited and sure enough, it was and has been ever since a completely insane experience. I've never seen such craziness and we have all chosen to sever ties. Them with us. Us with them. Dh says he will never speak to or be any way associated with the daughter. And has warned me again, if I want to spare my sanity, to follow this decision. I haven't. Sd was contacting me and I was thinking I was helping her emotionally. Then out of the blue I was turned on by both sd and ex and told that if I messages again I'd have the police sent to my house. For what I don't know. But suddenly sd, who was responding well with me, called me horrible names and made horrible statements about me, so I'm doing what I should have all along, and will ignore any contact again.
My question. Is it common for a "sperm donor" this is what dh name has always been, to feel nothing for a child they produced? Like zero zilch nothing. He said he never knew the child, absolutely did not want to have a child with th ex, and just simply feels they are strangers and has no sentiment at all. He said he's been only a paycheck and says when the payment plan is done its good riddance. As a mom it's tough for me to imagine feeling no connection to my child. But as a man, i guess especially sperm donors, a biological connection isn't a naturally occurring entity. I'm guessing?
^^This I cannot fathom
^^This
I cannot fathom finding a deadbeat sperm donor attractive enough to MARRY.
Bonding to a child happens in
Bonding to a child happens in the early part of their life. Most times in the first year or two. At the volatile age of 16 is not a good time to start a relationship. If the Bio mom is bipolar or has a narcissistic personality chances are she has hurt this child emotionally. At this late in the game, I'm not sure there is much your DH could do to change that. You said he took care of his financial responsibility towards the child. Because drama has already happen I would leave it alone.
My nephew had a son with a girl that is bipolar and a narcisstic. She has made my sisters life and my nephews other sibilings life hell. She calls cps and the police and files false reports all the time. At first they believed her. She has a very high IQ and can present her self well when she wants her way. She has called cps on every girl my nephew date that has kids. She is just plain crazy. My nephew finally moved 8 hrs away. The sad thing in all this is that his son has to live with her and he has all kinds of behavioral problems now.
AGREE.
AGREE.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your feed back. What a wonderful resource this forum is.
I have been told by all my family/friends familiar with our experience to RUN. Most of them were also dragged into this mess after our reunion and they felt sheer fear by the emotionless cruel way my husband and I were treated by ex and sd. I educated myself on narcissism, as the therapist I went to talk to to help me deal with this mentioned this is what she suspected both ex and sd might have.
And yes...to a tee...extreme cases of this condition.
My husband has never been a deadbeat, always upheld the financial agreement. And as a man is totally loyal and dedicated to his family , job, friends etc. he's an amazing man to say the least. Which is for the most part, the reason why I felt perplexed by his disregard for this relationship. He's been an amazing father and husband for 10 years, so I know him well.
I have always been a "helper", always trying to help anyone I can. Including sd, which only brutally backfired on me.
This brings me to the conclusion that this is mostly my problem. In that I can't make this situation better. It is what it is. Some relationships just aren't going to work as a couple of you have mentioned. Thank you again for helping me expand my perception.
"My husband has never been a
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
"My husband has never been a deadbeat..." Says the woman whose husband has had nothing to do with his daughter for her entire life.
Unbelievable.
Deadbeats don't pay child
Deadbeats don't pay child support.
I think this is a sad
I think this is a sad situation all around and feel for all of you, including SD.
I think the best method would be to follow your husband's lead on this. He doesn't want contact with them.
It's sad that this child has to be raised by this bm. Like dtzy said, hopefully she'll get therapy as an adult and reach out to you all then. It is even more saddening to me that this girl has to know that neither bio parent wants her or really loves her. That's probably part of why she acts out. I really admire you for reaching out to her. That was such a kind thing to to. Things may not have worked out ideally for everyone for now, but hopefully when she's older she will look back and remember that you cared and were kind enough to show some interest in her as a person and acknowledge her feelings.
I will keep you all, especially SD, in my prayers. I hope she can become a productive, happy person.
That is so sweet anon. Thank
That is so sweet anon. Thank you
Its so encouraging to find people that can relate and share and offer words of wisdom and support.
I'm ok with criticism and judgmental replies too. Everyone's thoughts are worth something and I totally respect it all.
Becca, I think it's a 2-way
Becca, I think it's a 2-way street and if both SD and BM have threatened and resisted any contact from your DH...it's hard to place all the blame on the poor man. It would be hard for anyone to try and start a relationship so late in life. Whether it's a bio or not, without bonding early on, you can hardly blame DH for feeling disconnected. Even after not seeing my 22-yr old after a few months, I feel like I have to sort of get to know her again each time and I raised her for 20 years!
I could not imagine :S I
I could not imagine :S
I invested only a year and to have been discarded like yesterday's garbage was heartbreaking. I just can't imagine 10 or 20 years.
My heart goes out to you.
But like the above post says.... What can we do when both the sd/ss and their mom's both decide we're not needed or wanted and to piss off.
My dh was told to piss off each and every time he was able to locate them over the past 16 years. One conversation he was speaking to sd and he broke down a bit and cried, ex took phone and shouted that he was a baby crying like that and hung up. Never found again after that...although not looked for either. That was just too much.
Some people are just heartless.
Old Dart...thank you for your
Old Dart...thank you for your input. It's valuable to me to see as many angles as possible. I'm not sure if you've had an experience with a narcissist. I'll venture to guess you haven't.
When I entered the picture I questioned his decision too. It weighed heavily on my conscience for quite some time. It was me, for years and years that was always curious about SD, what she looked like, where they lived. DH never shared in that curiosity. He was adament in paying the support to the agency and that's it.
Around the time of the final contact, ex had told DH that SD had a new father, who was more of a man in every way, most notably a rich man that DH would never compare to. She proceeded to file for an order to restrain DH from any contact whatsoever on the grounds that DH was a drug addict that emotionlly/physically abused her and threatened her life, forcing her to move thousands of miles away to hide. None of this true, but she wanted her new marriage to be unfettered with an ex, so this is how she achieved that. Given the thousands of miles of distance involved, lack of financing to contest this, DH threw in the towel.
Shortly after this marriage a baby is born, ex cheats and her DH files for divorce. She had tried some of the same techniques to eliminate him as well, and had financially ruined him to the same extent she did my DH. Her DH was a wealthy man and hired a private investigator. He contacted my DH and informed him that there was a long "rap sheet" of financial extortion and frauds against a long list of men that was discovered, my DH being one of them. He asked my DH to testify, to which he declined as he was afraid of what other creative stories she could drum up in retaliation. Her DH was successful in the trial. This is just a drop in the bucket of the extent this woman will go to get her way. People are merely objects and sources of money or otherwise and nothing more.
DH is a good man that was put through the grinder emotionally and financially. We've had our share of tough times, most of it being since SD and ex surfaced. Tougest times we've ever endured. And he hasn't walked away. I agree I've felt disappointment, as I wanted to take legal action against ex after becoming involved and seeing how horribly emotionally abusive she is, but he said no. He said she will pull stories out of the air to ruin our reputations, make false reports to children's services etc. She stops at nothing. He said if I pursued court against her, our kids would pay a heavy price, something he adamently refused to consider. I thought I could save SD from this monster. SD dumped me like garbage anyway, so I'm thankful I didn't intercept and jeopordize our lives.
The nail in the proverbial coffin for me with regards to this woman's psychological condition was during our reuniting attempt,DH was very much straight arming all of it. Ex asked me why he was acting so childishly. I told her that he will never forgive her for filing in court that he was abusive and threatened her life etc. She laughed and said...what are you talking about? I reiterated. She said that story is propsterous. That DH is a liar. She never said anything remotely like that. She said that she was forced to leave with a broken heart because he was having an affair...and that he was and always has been the love of her life, to the extent that she's never loved again like that, and to say that she said she was ever fearful of him is ridiculous. My jaw literally dropped as I read this email. I'm like how...how can these stories be so completely unrelated? How come I've never heard of this affair business? DH too shook his head, as he'd never heard of this affair business until this. He warned...she's cooking something up...get ready for something.
Shortly after this, I wanted to get to the bottom of it. So I gained access to the original court affidavits. Sure enough, DH was truthful, ex most certainly not. The affidavit is detailed with all the abuse, her fear of her life,her need for state protection from my insane DH who was a drug addict...nothing mentioned about an affair and her broken heart etc. I approached ex and told her that I was looking at the court records and her new story is bullshit as it says in black and white. She cut me off and said oh, don't bring that up. And that was it. I wanted to rip my hair out. To destroy a man to this degree with lies was shocking...and to be responded with, don't bring that up? Wow.
Old Dart...I would love to hear from other men who have had the misfortune of knowing this sort of woman...did they run? did they run and never look back? if so...did it make them a running hiding man from all future relationships with children/wives? Did the experience turn them into a stone toward their child? I'd love to know how a man emotionally processes something like this.
Hi Becca, and welcome to the
Hi Becca, and welcome to the site. Yours is a story that I hope would not happen to my and my DH but may sadly be the case.
BM was and is crazy--had a month long fling with Dh to try to "get" him and then got pregnant... after she claimed she couldn't, was on medication for a condition she didn't have that could prevent pregnancy, etc. A compulsive liar, textbook borderline disorder case. She terrorized DH, isolated him from his friends (spinning stories about how he bad mouths them etc) and nearly tore his business apart. Then when she realized no matter what she did or said, and that her stories were unravelling (after I entered the picture and started sorting everything out) and everyone was seeing her for what and who she was, she up and bolted to another state at five months pregnant.
The extent of the damage she had done on DH is one that is deep rooted and psychologically scarring--he has nightmares about her, where he wakes up shaking and crying and I have to physically shock him out of it--his eyes are open and tears are streaming down his face, but he's still asleep. He feels nauseous if her name is brought up and sometimes has flash backs, and a paranoia about her coming back and derailing his life again. He got a gun license, a pistol, and has set up surveillance because of her and swears that if she comes near me, he will kill her. This is coming from the overly sensitive man who gets mad at people for killing mosquitos. That is how traumatic dealing with someone like that can be. At the advice of some STalkers here,I have spoken with therapists and they say it sounds like PTSD.
He pays CS, was actually the one who took HER to court and filed to PAY CS. As of now, we are hoping one day when SS is old enough, we can nurture a proper relationship with him, one that does not have to go through BM. I have a fellow Stalker friend who I know in real life that was in the same boat. Actually, they have a pretty good relationship with their SS now, but their SS is not crazy.
Even though we would like it to be, and it would be great for it to happen, to develop the same kind of parent child relationship and love with SS, circumstances being what they are, it is more or less impossible. DH's therapist once asked DH what he would prefer, to try and establish a relationship with SS that will be warped by BM and subject SS to the crossfire, or wait until he's old enough and form a relationship then, possibly minimizing SS's exposure to toxicity. DH chose the second one, which was what he believed would be best.
The therapist also said that DH shouldn't expect to "love" SS the same way he would love a child he actually wanted with a partner he loved. He said it was improbably and impractical, although many people would like it to be so. That is how the world works, bonds are nurtured and built, not just because of a blood thing. Many parents give their children up for adoption, and are applauded for it because they are not emotionally or financially capable of doing so. Yet there is a great chasm in the double standard of a parent who does what he can with what he has, and trying to make the best decision for everyone involved. He also cautioned DH that he and SS may never have a relationship, and not to get too crazy over that. It's only natural, since they didn't have a relationship to start with.
DH has also said that although it's sad, if SS turns out to also be a toxic person, he wouldn't have him around either. He believes that he must protect both myself and our future children and his family, over creating a relationship with one person who may try to destroy it. He'll try, but there's only so many times you can kick a dog before it gives up.
We both hope that will not be the case, but please know that it happens to even the best of people. My DH is a wonderful person, and although he makes mistakes sometimes, he makes decisions based on what he believes is most important.
He feels guilty, but if you ask him if he loves SS, he will give the honest answer as it stands now: No.
But, and this is a very important but: when the time comes for SS and him to try at a relationship, he will try his hardest to. He doesn't know if he will succeed, but he won't walk away without trying.
I think your DH is smart in that he realizes the toxicity of the situation. I wouldn't give up completely just yet, at least not until the child is about 18-20, and even that, try a few times over the years. It doesn't have to be much, and nothing monetarily tangible, and don't expect to see any results, but if there is a bright chance one of those times, I'd take it.
I wish you the best of luck--please feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to talk about this more.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for sharing. I actually sighed a breath of relief to read your experience...I'm not alone. I don't wish this nightmare on anyone, but if one's in it, we need support from each other. I have found myself scratching my head and second guessing my own reality throughout this experience...am I crazy? I'd ask myself many times. Why do I recall such and such conversation from last week entirely differently from BM? Sadly, SD has the same propensity for reality-twisting. I found myself having to forward their own messages back to them to remind them of whatever issues they would be denying had said. Something from just a few days earlier would be totally denied. Me...scratch scratch huh? Thank goodness for electronic communications and a large capacity hard drive to store it all.
Dh suffers from the same fearful paranoia that your dh experiences. The mere mention of their names and the blood drains from his face. One time he was visibly trembling on the phone with ex. I just cannot imagine what it was like all those years ago for him. Similarily to your dh, he was alienated from all friends/relationships, and as he says, imprisoned in a vicious hatred seething relationship where he was the scum of the earth that would never be good enough for her.
My dh doesn't love or have any sentimental or emotional connection to my sd at all. In fact, given sd and how she has inherited/learned this personality disorder....he said he will never entertain any relationship. I mentioned that if she grows out of this, if possible, then we could explore it at that time. He refuses. And he reminds me of the emotional assault sd put me through, and said he never wants to see me hurt like that again ever and will curtail it at all costs.
So, no. There will never be an open door. And my dh is fine with it. It's just me. This is my first experience with this personality disorder. It's terrifying to say the least. I feel better hearing what your dh feels and what his therapist has said. It helps me to get why my husband feels the way he does. I'm sure had I got a couple years more of narcissist ex I wouldn't have any questions....thankfully I suppose this isn't the case.
Thank you again for sharing
No problem--I went through
No problem--I went through the same thing of questioning my own sanity several times. People who are good at spinning reality will do that to you, until you doubt yourself to the point where you're not sure whether up is really up, or if it's all in your head. We have found that keeping everything to email, and keeping documentation has helped--this way when you look back you can say this really happened and I am not insane.
What they went through is similar to what abuse victims go through--if they are able to overcome it, great. If they don't I can't say I blame them.
I'm going to tell you something few people know: DH fell into such a depression that he contemplated suicide, which to this day he is not proud of.He says at the time, his only ray of hope had been me, which was what kept him somewhat sane and kept him from really doing it. Can you imagine though? Somehow by crying and lying and manipulating, this woman tore ALL your friends from you, began turning your family against you (his father had also passed away a few months prior), your mentor who you've looked up to and followed for the last fifteen years believes everything she says, your best friend for twenty years also believes her, and everyone thinks you're garbage because she's got them so wrapped up in the idea that you're abandoning her. You have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, your entire world has been turned upside down, and on the side she's still playing games and trying to get at you as best she can. You are utterly and completely alone, and everyone who you ever loved will not even sit down and talk to you because she had already gotten all their phone numbers and have become "friends" with them. Everyone even knew about her being pregnant before you did and she's got them so thoroughly convinced you love her and want to be with her that when you found out, and said no, you look like the worst person in the world. He nearly lost everything. The visibly trembling and the blood draining from the face? My DH went through that too.
Not everyone has been through something that destructively life-altering, so you milage here may vary.
She moved in with her mom states away and requested (blackmailed) him to join her so he can be a part of the kid's life. He asked his therapist if he should who immediately nixed the idea, and said that he has seen this happen before: She is trying to get you to a new place, where you don't know anyone, isolating you even further, until your entire world consists of what she has made.
(His therapist is worth the insurance premium DH was paying.)
If that's the case, follow your DH's lead. He loves you and wishes to protect you. You are his most valuable relationship and that is something that is rare. If you read around on this site, you'll find DH's that are willing to subject their spouses to abuse, and in some cases, assault, and still not protect them. Be very careful--sometimes I think BM isn't as crazy as everyone makes her out to be but then I get reminded of the days where she tried to use her mind games on me, and have everyone hate me too. (This is part of the reason her stories began to fail--she tried painting me as a bad person and fortunately my credibility was stable enough that people started to question her.)
He still lost his best friend, still lost his mentor. He and his brother and his sister in law are no longer as close as they used to be because of this. All because someone who doesn't understand love wanted him. I'm surprised he kept fighting to pay CS for as long as he did (a year and a half and fifteen thousand dollars later, he just has a CS order that states the standard) because it wasn't about the money with Bm, it was about maintaining a connection with him.
Anyway, remember, love cannot be controlled or given on command or because society demands it, if it could, then there would be no divorced parents, no children out of wedlock, no kids who kill their parents, no parents who murder their children, and most importantly, no crazy psychos.
Not2sure >>> I’m stunned. Do
Not2sure >>> I’m stunned. Do we have the same DH or the same BM or what the hell?? How can our stories be so eerily identical? How is it even possible?
My DH too, went into a deep silent depression during/post relationship with ex. He had few left to turn to. Utterly alone, wiped out clean financially, and then hit with the assault court case on top, which lined up nicely with the loss of his job. He tried therapy & medication, tried to forge through, but sunk deeper by the further needling of BM. She would randomly make contact, and just for fun I guess?…shoot emotional bullets at him. One common one was telling him he’s an “abandoner” of his daughter because he won’t move to bum –eff- nowhere thousands of miles to chase BM and profess his undying love to her (not to SD, to her). She would have SD write letters to DH that say exactly this too…Dear Daddy…where are you, why did you abandon mom and me? Why couldn’t you have let us stay even 5 years? ……I’m not joking, this is what BM had 6 year old send.
How she convinced herself that he abandoned them is mind-boggling to me. It was her that split with the child when DH was away working. She wanted to live near her family, so she did. That’s as simple as it is. How does one turn that into the complete opposite is bizarre. But she did. She thrives in “stories” where she is the perpetual victim, so I can only imagine this is why she feels the need to warp the facts. Who knows.
So many commonalities between our BM’s. I’m so sorry you guys have to contend with this. But maybe our story out there for the world like this to read can help a potential future victim to RUN! RUN! If you’re a man (and you’re likely going to be one of a quieter nature that has a dominant type mother)…and you hook up with a lovely girl that seems perfect but there’s just something a little off about her…follow your gut.
A friend of mine told me the perfect analogy of BM…She’s like a beautiful cake, stunningly decorated, totally perfect from every angle. You think you’ve won the Nobel Prize for cake finding! You buy the cake. You take it home and cut yourself a slice of what you anticipate is going to be the most spectacular cake in the world. Bite….bite…hmmmmm, what’s wrong here….bite…bite…yuck… What the hell…Motor oil? Why am I tasting all this motor oil? What is this cake? And can I get the motor oil out of it? Nope, you can’t.
That analogy makes me laugh. It’s so bang on.
That is... eerie. I think
That is... eerie. I think there's a handbook out there for Bm's like this. In their crazy world, attempts like this actually work. Maybe they heard it from a friend, maybe they just are so deluded they think this is how it works. Blackmail someone emotionally with what society believes should be most important. That just goes to show how little human empathy they have.
I was floored when you said "quieter one with a dominant mother" because that's DH too!
Also, follow your gut instinct. Man, DH knew she was crazy, but didn't know just HOW crazy. If someoneis a little off, chances are, they are a LOT off and is just hiding it. It's terrifying there are actually people like this in the world. Real people among us, who could be potential captors of our sons and daughters, of ourselves.
BM has so many stories I'm surprised people in her state can even keep them all straight. They don't know she was cheating on her partner (of 9 years) with DH then, and believed that she and DH were an item... until MIL visited and accidently let it slip when one of her friends asked how Bm and DH even met... I wonder if she's done cleaning that debacle up yet.
Sooner or later it will turn in on them. They are alone, and always will be unhappy. It's actually amazingly sad when you think about it and they are pitiful people.
HI Becca, I have no personal
HI Becca,
I have no personal experience with this type of thing as a parent, but my uncle went through something similar. His ex would never let him see the children, ignored CO's and even went so far as to hit a police officer with her fathers cane, when my uncle called the police to try to see his kids per the CO (this was the 80's she totally got away with it). Anyway, to the point: my cousin is the same age as me (30 now) and this happened when we were quite young, she didn't speak to him again until she was 18. Her mother once arranged a meeting between her and I when we were in our early teens and then turned around and took a piture of us together to court and tried to say 'his family wants to see them, but he doesn't' to try to get more CS.
To this day my cousin is a manipulative b***h and my uncle has nothing to do with her anymore. She and her brother spent their early 20's milking him for money to 'go to school' yet neither has a degree. She would call him and be so nice to him and then ask for money and not speak to him at all for months. He finally cut ties with them completely because the emotional toll that it took on him was just too much (honstly, my uncle is not hurting for money so that was not an issue). I think you husband made the right decision. I don't blame his daughter for being messed up because of her mother, but that is not something that is fixable at this point (or even at all maybe?) and he's better to leave it alone, at least for now.
Thanks for sharing ecgirl.
Thanks for sharing ecgirl. You mentioned manipulative and $$$. Two things that really seem to stand out with this variety of women.
Funny thing that came to mind when you described your story was when BM and I were in communication to prepare for the upcoming meet, BM said the most unthinkable thing to me. She said "I feel I must forewarn you about SD. She's a liar and a manipulator that expects luxurious gifts to no avail".
I had been having a very nice relationship over email and phone with SD at that point in time, something I shared with BM. I told BM I found her daughter a joy to interact with and that I felt that we were really starting to bond. BM stating this fact, true or not, really threw me off. Like why would you want to smear her before we've even met? What purpose did this serve? Well, turns out it's true, but that's beside the point. Hindsight is 2020 of course. And had I known that BM was a classic narcissist, I would have better prepared myself all together.
We've had every trick in the book played against us with both of them. Much the same as your uncle endured. Their stamina to keep up appearances and twist reality into the twilight zone completely amazes me. Watching it play out in court is a circus show in itself. Not something I'd want to entertain ever again.
It looks like this thread has a common theme; let this go. I will work to wrap my head around this, it'll take time, but hopefully I can get to a place where I can let go of the heavy guilt I feel surrounding this, and accept it as the losing battle it has turned out to be.
Take care!
I'm hesitant to post this
I'm hesitant to post this because I don't want to be cast in the same light as these mentally ill BMs...
My ex appears to have cut off ties with my own DD16. He is sane. I am sane. My daughter is sane.
Since DD was about 1 1/2 yrs old, ex has always lived far away (moved to be closer to the woman he cheated on me with and divorced me for). Prior to that he took her for a few hours per week a couple nights per week and I think every other weekend. It's hard to remember now, which is so funny because it was such a BIG deal to me back then. Then he moved and only saw her once before she was old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor, so maybe when she was 6. So then he saw her once a year until she was about 13. During these years his weekly phone calls dwindled down to every couple months. Holiday cards and gifts. I honestly tried to help keep the relationship afloat because I didn't want my daughter to get hurt.
When she was 13 they started to text more often. Around this time she also had a period of a couple bad grades due to both a lack of understanding of algrebra as taught by this particular teacher and some laziness. I grounded her left and right, but she is very hard headed. His wife, whom she'd only met a couple times, got all involved in nagging her via facebook about her homework and grades. My daughter unfriended her. Her dad got mad, kind of made it seem like his love was conditional upon her getting good grades, she got teenage girl pissy, and said some foolish things. He has only seen her once since, and even then I think it's because he happened to be in the same town she was in visiting relatives one weekend.
She has acted way worse than this to me and other teens have acted way worse to their parents than that. It was actually pretty typical stuff. Trust me when I say this was all really pretty minor. Like the text equivalent of slamming her bedroom door. I'm not even sure this is why he hasn't bothered staying in touch with her. But the point I'm getting around to is that he didn't have any foundation for a relationship with her or know her well enough or whatever to look past one transgression and still love her anyway. I'm pissed at hell at both of my kids sometimes, but I still see good qualities in them.
He has continued to periodically email me about a test grade here and there (he gets her grades online), but never her. I tried to be the go between and keep a relationship afloat, but it just got none of us anywhere. It's so foreign to me that he seems to feel nothing for her. She is on another continent right now as a foreign exchange student. Because she has not been consistent in her grades he didn't want her to go and has said (to me) that she's going to fail at it. It was all really negative but I'm already rambling on enough to explain it. I had to tell him he doesn't even know her and that I still find redeeming qualities in her that are worth her receiving a life-changing opportunity. He must have decided he doesn't have enough stake in her to make much more fuss about it because he ultimately signed the paperwork to let her go (back when she was an infant I agreed to joint legal custody...had I known what a non-entity he would be in her life, I wouldn't do that again in retrospect). He refused to take part financially and kind of threw up his hands and said to go ahead and sign her death warrant (a phrase he did actually use).
She is nothing more to him than a transcript and a monthly financial obligation. He has paid child support all this time, although I recently discovered it is short by over $10,000 because he has been paying the equivalent of the weekly amount X 4 weeks each month, missing all the weeks when there are 5 weeks in the month for the past 15 years.
I'm trying to describe this to you as an illustration of how even "normal" people in a "normal" situation can be so detached. I'm sure there are readers who are thinking that my daughter probably acted horribly and I am too blind to see it. Please trust me that she's not that bad. The rest of his family (grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousins) are all fairly charmed by her.
The other thing that strikes me, is that DNA is a very strong thing. Even with limited contact with him, my DD is so much like her dad in looks and mannerisms. Sometimes even in personality (that would be the hard headed part). I thought that nature was designed that way for bonding purposes. Evidently it doesn't always work.
I also am a non-psychotic BM
I also am a non-psychotic BM who got pregnant from someone who had nothing to do with his kid. He fled the state when our son was only 6 months old to avoid paying CS. I can't imagine that my son did anything to deserve having a father who couldn't even see fit to send him even ONE b-day or Xmas card in his entire life.
However, I understand that not all situations are the same. And I know for a fact that OUR BM is psychotic and the skids are PASed beyond hope (at least the older one). My DH has stated before that I got screwed on both ends of the spectrum (meaning the CP and NCP roles). Personally, I think I got a GREAT deal by getting my son with 100% responsibility AND authority (father never took visitation or anything) AND I got a great husband. Too bad his kids would rather be brainwashed than see what a great guy their father is!
OP, I think your husband has
OP, I think your husband has made a VERY wise decision. Just becasue he is biologically her father doesnt mean he has a bond with her. Jeez my DH took 8 months to bond with his daughter and he had her 3 days a week.He cannot be expected to suddenly care about a stranger that has been kept away from him and is no means a dead beat. How can you care and love someone you are forceablly not allowed to see??
Why would he want someone to come and uproot his life just because they can now be bothered?!
I would suggest you leave them alone and get on with your life with DH, trust me no kid especially a SKID is worth the dramas you will be brinign on yourself otherwise.
I always adore your
I always adore your responses. Down to earth and very practical for the situation itself, not just a wide blanket statement others often make, and it's never in retaliation or confrontation to other posters. Just wanted to say kudos to you while I have the chance.
I always found the double standards amazing when it comes to this kind of stuff. Why is giving children up for adoption (often when people conceived when they didn't want to, just like men who get someone pregnant when they didn't want to) so much more "noble?" You made the mistake and should "own up to it" instead of giving the child up for adoption, and raise the child, right?
The only ones I find that I don't necessarily agree with are the ones who give up children they planned, which is sort of like giving up a dog they bought. That one bugs me since I believe motivation is very important in these things.
I have to confess that I did
I have to confess that I did not read all the responses and texts. However, I have a father that is narcissistic. He raised me until I left home at 20. That man feels nothing for me. Time and time again I gave him chances and he would try and hurt me over and over again. He has a bad mix of paranoia to go with it (drugs). I finally let him go six years ago and have never regretted it. He had hurt me so many times that I feel nothing for him. That is a hard disorder to deal with. Sometimes people need to help themselves first. Unless he can make the first step and try to fix himself (pretty much impossible with Narcissists)....there is nothing others can do except get hurt.
I hope I don't come across
I hope I don't come across too harsh here but I think you're letting your emotions get yourself into a situation in which you have no control and can have no effect on the outcome. You've already see the teen turn on you, first welcoming your support, then turning on you revealing the beast under the veneer. Most likely this was when her mother discovered her relationship with you and she had to turn or face her mothers wrath.
Sure its possible the kid could be helped by moving away from Mommy but God the court fight that it would take and face reality your husband is not going to lift one finger to make that happen and he's the only one that can. You are powerless and should it happen even a sane step-daughter would probably turn out to be the bane of your life.
Let logic set the course here and like your husband stay the hell out of this girls life. The damage, whether from DNA or environment is done and you are not going to change anything one whit.
Your husband doesn't want his
Your husband doesn't want his kid in your lives......and you're complaining, why?
Men tend to repeat patterns.
Men tend to repeat patterns. My exH had 2 kids when I met him. One lived in another country the other was the product of an affair with a married woman. She kept the baby, told her husband, they decided to raise the child as if it was her husbands and asked my ExH to stay away.
The one that lived in the other country, I remember one time the BM wanted to send him the kid to live with us. At the time, exH and I had no children together but I had my 2 boys from a previous marriage. I told my then husband that if he brought that kid over to live with us, I would not have any children from him. He decided to leave the boy with his mother. We never heard from them again.
I have a 15 y/o son from my ExH. He has pretty much dropped the ball on our son as well. I get NO CS and he sees my son maybe twice a year. He calls him a few times a week and my son loves him but he isn't a responsible father. I guess had I paid attention to how he was with his other 2 kids I would have known that my child would be no exception. But we never listen. We never want to see what is right before our eyes do we...
I can understand your
I can understand your husband's attitude, given the situation. I can imagine how hard it would be to feel a connection to a child you've never had a relationship with.
What I can't understand, is how a parent - regardless of gender - can cut off a child that s/he has had a relationship with. My ex hasn't talked to our daughter since our son graduated HS - so 2 1/2 years. Nothing really *happened*, and prior to that they had what I thought was a pretty good relationship. She was (understandably) hurt by his forgetting her birthday starting with her 15th. Despite that, she would still try to call him weekly (a few months of leaving unanswered messages killed that), called or texted on his bday and holidays.
She's now 18 and done. I can't say as I blame her.
Our son talks to him once or twice a term, but he is troubled by their Dad's cutting his sister off.
It's perplexing.