New Guy Giving Thnks
Hello everyone.
I consider myself a bit of an outsider, as I'm NOT married or living with the one who wants to make a future with me. Instead, I've browsed through countless postings seeking insight...and maybe confirmation on what my gut is telling me. For this I thank each of you for sharing your trials and troubles that come with step-parenting. Polly and I met many years ago when we were both in our 20's. We shared a unique chemistry and an uncanny bond frmo the very beginning. Tragically, we drifted apart in our college years as we both moved to different cities. She married a guy that turned out to be a real piece of work, stayed with him anyhow, then had kids with him. I never did meet the one that I knew positively that I could spend the rest of my life with, and chose not to have children. Now I find the two of us in the same town and talking regularly as she goes through an ugly divorce. I'm thrilled to see her each time, but as months have gone by she's made it very clear that my days of being debt free and my plans of retiring early enough in life to enjoy travel and hobbies will quickly become a things of the past.
Sorry to be long winded, adn another "thank you" to those who have read this far! I feel like I chose a certain lifestyle. I'm gainfully employed, own my home free and clear, and among many other lifestlye differences between Polly and I, have grown very accustomed to a peaceful home life. Since when is it a mandate that I give it all up to raise someone else's spoiled kids? I can answer my own question of course, but reading through this forum has still been a good thing.
How old are her children?
How old are her children? Does the father not support them at all? I definitely have a different perspective of a similar situation. I met my husband in high school, when we were both kids. We were both shy, and he was also from limited means and thought (wrongly) that I was "out of his league". We lost touch for a few years, in which time I dated a jerk and he had a couple flings. The year I entered college (I'm a bit younger than him), he and I were able to reconnect and for the first time, revealed our feelings we'd had for each other all that time. Unfortunately, 1 month prior to this, a girl he had an very brief (few weeks) fling with had turned up pregnant, and naming him father. I was only 18 years old, and I think me being so young and frankly, dumb, I had no idea the scale of what I was getting into by choosing to be with him. We are married now and this all happened over 8 years ago. I am glad I chose to stay with him, and I adore my SD. But you're a little more informed and mature than I was and since you are aware of what you'd be getting into, you are rightfully hesitant. But I will say that I'm glad I stuck it out. For me, it was worth it. I was only 15 years old when I met my husband, and as little as I must've known about love, I really felt differently for him than what my friend's seemed to feel for their crushes. I knew that even if he never had feelings for me, I deeply cared for his well being and wished an amazing life on him. Sure enough, I'm still head over heels in love with this man to this day. Of course the child's mother has been a delivery straight from hell. She's horrible to deal with, is a horrible human being, but the pluses in my life have made putting up with her worth it. Carefully consider everything that COULD happen if you move forward with this woman and ask yourself if it would still be worth it. Take into consideration other options you have and whether those other options would bring more happiness to your life than being with her and her children. As hard as it was to stand on the sidelines while my then boyfriend became a father with someone else, I think I was lucky in the fact that I got to meet my step daughter as a newborn and be there to get to know her at every stage of her life. Because of this, I think I'm free of many step parenting obstacles that most face since they are introduced to the children as an outsider. So of course your relationship with these kids may take a lot more patience and tolerance.
Hmm your interesting! I liked
Hmm your interesting! I liked your post BTW
How many of us would not be on this site if only we asked such questions & thought before committing...
Anyways, is that hard living that close to her if you don't mind my asking?
So many of us here could warn you to not become a step parent but its also important that you follow your heart. Truth has it..we make it as step parents to the end & find our happy medium only if its true love between husband & wife. I'm sure others will have a better answer than I but I am speaking only from my experience on this.
I don't know if its worth it remaining as a SM some days yet I can't see living without my DH either. There are emotions to being a step parent that only few people can understand & its usually not even your own friends. I'm telling you that I love my husband, desire a family, & am sure its with him I want the family with but I don't know if can being how damaged I still feel deep down from my SD age 15 now.
Step kids can be so full of hate this day & age its not even funny! I don't mean to be a downer on you, I & many others would just advise you to really think twice about hooking up with a parent & especially if you don't have any kids of your own first. Some days I'm flying high as other days, I question why I was even born.
Should you become a step parent, I promise you that you will learn emotions that you never knew before..some good & some not so pleasant.
IMHO I hate with a passion being a step parent & my husband is the one that is worth it for me during the days that he is sane.
That felt great to admit..thank you
Welcome to our site of sanity & our world of hell }:)
It's great that you are
It's great that you are thinking about this before it just "happens" to you, or that's how I think it sometimes feels. It is HARD to be a stepparent and true as Starla says, it islolates you even from friends and family who can't understand, it even isolates you at times from your partner, the actual bio parent of the child, as they are and you are not...
BUT is it worth it? for me it has to be or I wouldn't say around. Like you and your Polly, I also met my FDH a looooooong time ago, when I was 18 and we were too young to make it work, and then we both lived all over the world, and met by chance again in the city we first met in, 18 years our first fling, one month after he split up from his ex. I made the choice to move with him when she ran off interstate with the baby, and embarked on a fairly hellish odyssey of legal proceedings with him to help him see his daughter.
Sometimes I think, oh my god, what happened to my life, but I do love my SD, and I KNOW I love FDH if I am prepared to put up with all this, staying power was never my thing! But if do this you will have to prepared to have your life seriously disrupted and know that sometimes there will be a gulf between you that you can't cross, and that depending on how old the kids are, you might end up being caught up in their lives and they become dependent on you too, or hate you, and it is so much more complex than you can imagine, and even than I can imagine yet, I'm starting to think... Good luck
Ps Starla I love your confession! i hate it some days too
"but as months have gone by
"but as months have gone by she's made it very clear that my days of being debt free and my plans of retiring early enough in life to enjoy travel and hobbies will quickly become a things of the past."
OMG! How nice is she? She's so honest! No wonder you like her.
Don't let those months turn into years. We can learn lessons in life and move on. Your lesson-Don't get involved with women with kids.
Meh, I didn't get to see this site before I moved on in my relationship. All of my kids are basically grown (my youngest is 17). I'm ready to start traveling, my husband's ready to buy a house, and "settle down". NOOOOO! I'm ready to go, go, go! DH keeps reminding me, his son is only 4 when I mention doing a stint in Europe, "roaming the world" etc!!!! He has to be home for his EOW visits. UGH!
You aren't married, you have your warnings, PLEASE RUN FOR (and to) YOUR GOOD LIFE! Go find someone who can and wants to to things like you!!!!!! So glad you found this site!
I hate to sound like a broken
I hate to sound like a broken record saying "thank you" but I so appreciate the replies! Her kids are two and four. I think if they were older, like 22 and 24, things might be different. Her kids are quite young and show behavioral issues. I can't imagine that their teen years are going to be a picnic.
She has been honest and that's something to be praised. I try to return that honesty from my end as tactfully as I can. In this case that won't be easy because I do adore her and feelings will be hurt, but even if I listen to only my heart, it's telling me loud and clear not to go down the path with her and her kids. I'm very satisfied with my life and can look back over the years and see very few regrets. Yes, I do get lonely and miss companionship, affection...and the hundreds of other things big and small that come from being with the special person in one's world, but as the old saying goes; There are other fish in the sea. Looking through the adoration I have for her, there is resentment on my part. It was tough finding out that she was married and now I resent her for not getting out of it and coming back all those years ago when we were young and fresh in life. I can't fathom that she stayed married for years to a man that she could barely stand to be in the same room with, then took him into the bedroom and made kids with him thinking that children would make everything okay.
Thank you each for your thoughts on my situation!