What would you do?
My Son and I moved to another state to live with my BF and have his child. I also was able to keep my job if I moved. My BF and I pay half of everything. I left my house and tried to sell it (didn't happen) then rented it for the last year, now it is vacant again. I spent all this summer back at home while my Mother was in the hospital, she died 6 weeks ago. My BF's kids never speak to me and everything that is discussed with them is done behind closed doors without my involvement. His oldest girl (12) has never touched our daughter, spoken to her or acknowledged her as her sister. The Ex is a nightmare. I want to move back with our daughter before I go bankrupt. My Son hates where we live now and begged me to let me stay with his grandfather after my Mother died, which I did and have no regrets (he has all A's and is extremely happy). My Dad is having a hard time since my Mom died and I really want to move home.
I have been miserable for the last 3 years since I moved. I have savings to get me by to pay for both households until Dec and then thats it. My BF only sees me leaving him and not anything else. He cannot support me financialy and I wouldn't ask him too. I have wanted to leave for the last year and half and have talked about it with him several times. I love this man with everything I am but do not want to live here anymore.
I am a complete emotional mess and don't know what to do. Honest opinions needed.....
Funny, there was just a post
Funny, there was just a post about choosing a partner over kids. Your son no longer lives with you because of the man you've chosen.
How can that be ok??
Not to mention, you hate living there, you're miserable, and your son is gone. What keeps you there???
What keeps me here is our
What keeps me here is our daughter. I wanted her to have both parents in her life and right now I am really not here at all.
My BF keeps telling that if I love him that should be enough to keep me there.
You want your daughter to
You want your daughter to have both parents, but your son has no parents?
That makes no sense.
If you're going to counter that your son DOES have you in his life, then why would you moving away from BF preclude your daughter from having him in her life???
Your right - it doesn't make
Your right - it doesn't make sense. Thank you for pointing that out.
So sorry for the loss of your
So sorry for the loss of your mother. That must've been (and continues to be) very hard on you and your family.
From experience, I chose a life with the ex asshole and didn't realize how much of an impact it would be on my daughter, I lost her - get out now. Be happy and raise your kids the way YOU want to.
I don't regret leaving my Son
I don't regret leaving my Son with his grandpa. He is back in school with all his childhood friends and is loving life. He is going to parties, homecoming (had a date) and sees his father all the time now. All of these things he didn't want to do here (sat in the basement and played those damn video games). I tried to get him involved, sports, clubs, church groups - to no avail. All he wanted to do was go home. Now he is home and I am missing him terribly - no regrets though. I don't know where my Dad would be if my Son wasn't there. We all need each other right now and I can't explain to my BF how badly I want to go home.
I don't regret letting my
I don't regret letting my daughter choose to live with her father either, but I AM missing out on a HUGE portion of her teen years. She's happy as well, and that's the ONLY reason I'm ok with it.
Love is not enough to keep you somewhere you're miserable, in my opinion. And if you're miserable and choose not to change the situation, you'll remain miserable.
Thanks. She and I talk every
Thanks. She and I talk every day, Facebook (when she's not grounded from the internet), send each other packages and cards in the mail. We have an excellent bond, despite not seeing each other that often and we're both so geeked that I get to go home in a couple months.
We always spend that time we do have together in a quality way. Since we don't have the quantity of time we want, what little we have is cherished. We got into that one little tiff at the beginning of summer, lasted all of 2 seconds and she was hugging me and apologizing for being a teenage snot. She knows I won't tolerate that bullshit! LOL
I get you when you say teenage girls suck - I was HORRIBLE! I mean HORRIFIC! And SD14 is too. So, I wish it were the opposite and we had MY daughter here and HIS daughter was in another state!
My girl and I probably would
My girl and I probably would be at each other's throats if we lived together. It's just the nature of the beast I guess. Plus we're a LOT alike so we'd butt heads I'm sure.
My mom lives about an hour away from my girl (T) and she called me last night to say that when she and T went out to dinner the other night, she had to do a double-take seeing my daughter sitting there, she thought it was me. She said that certain things that T says, it's just like me being there all over again.
But SD? OH GOD!!!!!!!! She's just miserable.
I don't think you are
I don't think you are choosing someone over something else. You love your son enough to let him go and in turn love your father enough to know you are helping him too. It sounds like you are sacrificing everything you DO want, for others and are struggling with feeling selfish because of what you want. You are unhappy, which is not good for your daughter. Financially, staying wont help. Love, sometimes is not enough. You can tell him you need to go back because of your house (which to me is logical because it is financially draining) and try to sell, or not. Does BF not realize how unhappy you are and have been? He wants you to stay and seems to be trying to guilt you into it, for his wants and needs. Sorry, that is just how I am interpreting it. Might be wrong.
Guilt me into staying - he
Guilt me into staying - he has tried everything. I was even told to hire a lawyer because he would not allow me to take our daughter out of the state. Nice! He wanted me to leave our daughter to move back with my Son. Not happening. He has done and said everything under the sun to guilt me into changing my mind.
In your initial post I saw
In your initial post I saw some of myself and familiar issues I had once. The sadness and pain in the post. This last response you wrote, I see the anger and the realization that you don't have to choke down how you feel. Which is good.
Anger, and the accepting that it is okay to have, can be empowering.
My next question is: what has been the response to the "kids never speak to me and everything that is discussed with them is done behind closed doors without my involvement" if it has been brought to him?
Yes, it has been brought to
Yes, it has been brought to him. We were in therapy to help us communicate and also for advice on how to help our children "blend". One of my biggest concerns was that "we" were not allowed to join in on his "wednesday night" kid night. Come to find out he promised his kids it would only be them. I feel excluded and lonely. I have been told "why should we have to change holiday traditions just cause your here". I never asked to change anything - I just ask to do something that included all of us. At this point I am so jaded, worn out and just disappointed. Now I have complete guilt for wanting to move with my daughter. He is just as exhausted with it and has already thrown in the towel. I don't know if it is the way people live here but I don't believe in giving my children everything. There is never a spoken word about "our" savings - he lives for his kids. They are never told NO and given everything they ask for. No one in their right mind gives a child $1000. for all A's when I have a house that is breaking me. I don't get it. What am I anyway? Stupid? I cannot even begin to explain all the problems with the Ex. The Therapist told me that if I leave I will be giving them the satisfaction that they won and broke us up. I really don't give a flying feather! All I want is to go home and pull the covers over head.
So why does he want you to
So why does he want you to stay? That may sound harsh, but you aren't a part of his and his children's time (which apparently does not give bonding time with your daughter either), financially he gives out what needs to be saved for other financial obligations, He doesn't appear to want to "blend" families.
"The Therapist told me that if I leave I will be giving them the satisfaction that they won and broke us up." What does the counselor suggest then? Stay and be miserable? If he lives ONLY for his kids that is what he will have.
I say again, why does he want you to stay? Because if you loved him you would? That you wouldn't do that to him? That he's been hurt enough and why would you make it worse? Because staying it helps him financially? You stated earlier that he couldn't financially help you and you wouldn't ask him to, but he CAN dole out $1000 for grades?
Forgive me, I may be jaded, but the isolation, manipulation, guilt trips and other things, have an air of "control" in them.
He would never leave his kids
He would never leave his kids and I would never ask him to. He can visit us if he wants. I am done making all the sacrifices.
Except that she is crossing
Except that she is crossing state lines. The new state won't have jurisdiction for 6 months. Going on the visis and then deciding not to return is an option but she needs to understand that if BF wants to fight, he can ask the court in his state to order the daughter returned (mom can't be ordered but if she wants to stay with her daughter, she'd have to return as well). Of course, in order to get the daughter ordered back to his state, he would have to be willing to take primary custody.
OP, do you think he would actually go to court? That he would want primary custody? Or is he just trying to coerce you into staying?
No I don't believe he would
No I don't believe he would take it that far. He knows and I know that our daughter should be with her mother. We love each other very much and had a long "unheated" discussion last night. I want him in our lives very badly and don't ever want to be without him. Sometimes reality hits hard and the decisions I face these days are loaded with pressure that I cannot handle solo. Either share the responsibilites with me and make this work or walk away. Its time for someone else to make all the sacrificies for a change. I am tired and just want to live happy.
Agreed. I have decided to
Agreed. I have decided to move, called a few movers to give me estimates on Friday, my Dad is flying in on Saturday to drive my car back with my doggies (which have been stuck in the basement EOW due to his son's allergies/ashtma, and were completely negeted when I was away all summer). I know this is the right thing to do for myself and my kids - I just wish I would of been right this time in love. Everyone that has posted to this thread - thank you - I knew all along what I needed to hear.
I wish so many things....a direct line to heaven to talk to my Mom. I would do anything to have one last conversation with her - miss her so much. I am haunted her last week on earth. Her last words to me "I know you will do the right thing". RIP Mom
God help me.
Firefly, you DO know what you
Firefly, you DO know what you want, you just had to be sure you were not being selfish.
I wish you many good things. You need your family right now. Sacrificing yourself, giving until you can't anymore and not getting that back, is draining. Happiness is something we create. You have lived these three years for something that you have hoped would get better and from what I have read, have given it a helluva shot!
I believe it is all happening now for a reason and I also believe your Mom is by your side every step of it.
My heart and prayers are with you in this trying time. Follow your heart and your Mom was absolutely right in those words. She believes in you, please believe in yourself.