Need help reinforcing I'm doing the right thing plz
This week I went to grandson's 4 bday party. I see his parents and he and his siblings in church every weekend. We have had some up and down times with his parents (my oldest stepson 29) but have been up with them for the last year and half. We are very close to this grandson and his siblings who actually lived with us for 7 months before the "big blowup" with his Daddy/SS.
At this party was OSD(32) and her kids and YSS(27) and his family in addition to SS29's inlaws. OSD(32) has been invited to parties in the past but has not gone til now. There is a very long, sordid nasty history with OSD who used to talk to her Daddeee every single day. She turned 30 and decided she wanted out of her marriage and hated her family including her Daaadddeee and definitely ME! Wasn't expecting her to be at this party but she was but I just plain ignored her, and annoying DIL (YSS wife). This party was held in a public place so it was pretty easy to ignore these vile creatures.
Here's where I need help. We got an email invitation to other SD(30) middle child's bday party next wkend at her house. I do not want to go to it even though she has invited me. This SD didn't talk to her father for 6-8 years during which time her son was little so I and my husband do not have much of a relationship with the child. I was forbidden to come to his birthday parties when he was younger. I was not invited to her wedding reception with husband no. 2. She is now on husband no. 3 and he is a very nice guy (what he sees in her I'll never know) so she has been calling and seeing Daaaddee for a few years now. She claims that she is a different person and that she has gone to counselling for her issues. However, she still does very passive aggressive stuff to me, doesn't respond to my email invite for her Dad's surprise bday party last month, makes comments about how other Gmas don't have to buy their grandkids love when sitting next to me, etc.
So I do not want to go this bday party because its at her house and her nasty sister OSD(32) will be there. Why would I want to go to a place that I know people don't like me and that one person in particular has told everyone in our family that she hates me (OSD32). Just 2 weeks ago she slammed me AGAIN on a FB conversation I was having with a new addition to our family. She then blocked me from FB so I couldn't see the slam - typical behavior for her! Why? I don't want to go and I haven't told my husband yet that I won't be going with him. But I am going to tell him exactly what I've said above at to why I don't want to go.
I used to go to the SKIDS stuff/parties for him to support him and his relationship with his kids and grandkids. But because of stories and support on here I have realized I don't have to have a relationship with all of his kids. He can have one with them and I will always encourage it but I don't want or need one anymore. I usued to play and act fair to all of the SKIDS and grandkids but I don't want to anymore. It didn't get me any better off than before as I can see so why bother. I need to do what is best for me and what is best for me is too stay far, far away from his nasty, mean, vile daughters. I know I'm doing the right thing but it feels pretty crappy that I have to miss out on a fun time with some of the grandkids and I feel crappy going to one party and not another one's party. I wasn't raised to be rude like that but it really is self preservation isn't it?
I think you would be under
I think you would be under too much stress, waiting for the inevitable rude behavior from this SD. You feel bad about it because you are nice. But where has your niceness gotten you in the past?
What a shame families have to have evil people in them but they do and we need to stay away from them.
So you haven't told DH that
So you haven't told DH that your not going yet? Why don't you get other plans and just tell DH that you have other plans already and that he should go and have fun. At the age of your skids their bad behavior to you or behind your back should be address to them by your husband. He could simply tell his children that sm had other plans. When they say smart things he should be man enough to say. "If I were treated the way you treat sm, I wouldn't want to come either. Enough said! Period! Your not children anymore and you should be acting like adults and treating her with the respect she deserves, if for no other reason than because she is my wife. But because you refuse to treat her with respect, sm has decised to not come."
When they get done bitching and blameing you for no telling what.
He should follow up with.
"My point is proven. Your mad if she comes and your mad if she stays home. You are grown adults and should be ashamed of your selves."
And exit!
That will probably never happen. But would it serve them right if it did.
Thanks all for reinforcing
Thanks all for reinforcing for me that I'm doing the right thing by staying far, far away from these people! Yes, you are absolutely right Kilgore SMom. I know he has said things to them in the past but I don't feel he says enough on my behalf and I can't change that. He prefers to avoid conflict. I would of course love to know what he says to them but more than likely they won't even ask him where I am. SS29 and his wife may ask him but they have also experienced alot of garbage from these 2 girls so they will already know why I didn't want to come as I'm sure they don't really want to go either.
I agree Kilgore SMom her
I agree Kilgore SMom her husband absolutely should say those things. However, this apparently has been going on for years, had he stepped in on day 1 and told them this is my wife, and if you care about me, you will treat her with respect. He should not have listened to anything they said about his wife if it was negative, and he should have supported his wife. But he didn't and after all this time he's not going to.
If you do not want to go, don't go. As far as missing out on fun with the grandkids, how much fun do you think you would have sitting on tenderhooks waiting for something to happen, how much fun is it listening to all the passive aggressive remarks that you know are about you, but you are unable to speak up for yourself as they are so open ended SDs would just say, "we werent' talking about you" when you know they damn well were.
This clearly is not going to be a pleasant day for you, so why put yourself through the stress.
You should not make up other plans, you should be honest with your husband about your feelings. He should understand that, and either pull their heads in, or stay home with you. His attending the party without you gives them a clear message, he supports them over you, and it will be the beginning of many more parties without you. I hope you can get your husband to man up and sort this out, they are his daughters it is his place to support his wife.
I wouldn't go. Don't feel
I wouldn't go. Don't feel badly about it. Who in their right mind wants to go where they aren't liked and are disrespected?
I've found that people don't often really change. They will swear they have changed because of counseling, but real change takes a lot of very hard work and most SD's aren't really committed to changing. They just want what they want and revert back to their old behaviours and ways when foiled.
I put up with my SD's fake air kisses--dirty looks and other p/a acts behind her father's back--histrionics when she was 'upset', etc. for years. I finally just said enough. I don't see her anymore and I don't miss her. I told her she needed to leave and her father backed me up. She forced him to choose and she lost. I don't think that is what she expected.
Ha ha that's funny. My
Ha ha that's funny. My husbands daughter also forced him to choose. But she threw a newborn into the mix. She used to come to our home with her hated and vindictive ways caused no end of trouble hurt and pain for years. Then she hit pregnant. We saw her twice in the first three months then nothing till baby was born. Then DH gets told if he wanted to see the baby he had to leave me
I saw this coming DH of course did not. She didn't bother to visit from the time she hit pregnant because she knew in a few months she would be holding the key to breaking up our marriage. Her newborn.
Didn't work. He to chose his wife over his daughter.
These young women never learn. They are so sure of their power over daddy they really don't think the wife has a snowballs chance in hell once they throw down the gauntlet. I think they lose 9 times out if 10.