Introducing Myself
I wish this forum had been around years ago! I was 22 when I married, 11 years younger than DH and clueless. DH had been divorced for 5 years before I met him. Divorce was caused by BM being a social climbing, lying whore who was caught/convicted of workplace embezzelment, then DH found BM's hobby was screwing her married Bosses. And anyone else who'd have her (in our small town). I thought having an 8 year old SD would be fun. It wasn't. I could really have used some moral support because nobody understand what I had to endure.
I've been a Stepmother for almost 33 years to a stone-cold, selfish, spoiled, nasty, whorish, drunken, pathologically lying SD41 (aka the step-viper). Fortunately, SD41 never had any kids of her own. She's very concerned with her appearance and having kids might have wrecked her figure and would have been inconvenient. SD41 has dogs and cats instead of kids. BM and her Husband were real pieces of work. Oh I could tell you years worth of stories about those azzholes. It still makes me sick to my stomach with rage when I think about stuff. I still have a lot of hard feelings towards SD41, DH, MIL and BM/BMsDH. What problems we ever had in our marriage were caused by bitter disagreements over SD41 and his refusal to put BM, SD41 and MIL in their proper places and put us first. I lost a lot of respect for DH because of it and will never get it back.
With BM/BMsDH it was nothing but PAS and trouble from a couple of domineering narcissists. On the bright side, BM suddenly croaked a few years ago (I hope they packed some sunscreen in her coffin, she needed it where she was going). Sudden heart attack death came at a time of gossip of BM being in trouble again because money was missing at her workplace (again!)and that she was screwing her Boss so Bosses wife wanted her to be fired and go to jail for stealing (how original!). BM left behind a huge debt owing on secret credit card accounts BM's azzhole husband didn't know about. BM left SD41 (her only Bio child) nothing despite having promised SD41 the moon all her life. LOL! BM's husband then re-married barely a year later. But SD41 still considers him her "Father" and still hangs out over there. I wonder if SD41 makes nice to the woman who recently replaced her deceased BM. That woman probably hates her too, since SD41 isn't really related to that bunch anymore. As far as I am concerned, they can keep SD41-they are all the same breed of lowlifes and belong together.
SD41 was never allowed to call me Mom, which I became glad about, until after BM croaked. Then SD41 started calling me Mom and it bugs me because she's never been a daughter to me, or a daughter to her devoted Father or a sister. She still treats us all like crap and I despise her. I asked DH to tell her to call me by my name, not Mom because that title should be reserved for my real children and he got mad.
I've been through a lot of bad times due to guilty Daddy/DH's unmanly refusal to stand up for himself or us or put me and our 2 Bios first (or even third/fourth) and DH/MIL's refusal to make SD41 act like a human being. I'd call MIL a stupid PASing bitch, but she can't even manage that anymore-she's just an old mean-spirited bird brain. SD41 doesn't bother with her Grandmother either, even though MIL acts like SD41 is the second coming and favors her over the other Grandkids.
After age 18 and the child support stopped, SD41 didn't feel the need to visit, so she only comes around on gift giving occasions. In 33 years I can count on one hand the gifts she has ever given me or her Half-Brother & Half-Sister, she only takes and DH/MIL always fall all over themselves kissing her azz. She rarely gives them gifts, and then it is usually some obvious re-gifted piece of crap. One time she baked 3 cookies and gave them to DH only (not enough cookies to share with the rest of us). He acted like it was the best gift he ever had. They fawn over whatever garbage she gives them like it's gold. It's disgusting.
I finally learned about detaching and detached just before Christmas last year and let DH handle his family's Christmas and SD41's birthday for once in his life. I didn't make a big deal about it, I was stealthy. I just didn't do anything for them. No words, no deeds, nothing. When DH brought up gift choosing/buying, I blew him off in the nicest possible way-I didn't know anything, I just forgot. It wasn't as nice for SD41 and her new husband (who acts like I am invisible) as it always was before when I took care of it, LOL! SD41 always sneered at whatever I did (and I gave nice gifts). She never thanked us and I never saw her wear or use anything we got her, ever. I will never go out of my way for SD41. Never. Ever.
The Holidays are coming and I plan to make the BIOs Christmas as nice as I can, like always. I plan to relax and enjoy my family Holiday. With my real family and friends. SD41 and MIL can go bark at the moon. DH can go bark with them. No more stressing out about it and letting them ruin my Holiday. No more waiting for SD41 to finally show up before we could open our gifts (she loves to make people wait for her-sometimes she never did show up-then got mad when DH called her and asked her where she was). No more PAS/Gaslighting tricks. I will make no effort to invite them over or have anything to do with them and this knowledge already makes me feel so much better. Free at last and determined to stay that way.
Listen to me. Believe it. I say from bitter, painful experience to detach as soon as you can. Making excuses, waiting on them like a servant, turning the other cheek, overlooking bad behavior, trying to fix everyone and please everyone won't work. You are enabling them. You can't overcome the poor parenting they received from their birthparents. The birthparents need to raise the kids they brought into this world. No one will be grateful for your efforts, just jealous, lazy and spiteful. Concentrate on raising your own children to be good and decent people. That's your job. And to be a good wife/husband to your spouse. Period. Make sure your Bios don't turn out like your SKIDS. SKIDs and In-Laws don't care if you are a kind, loving person. They'll use your decency against you to hurt you and your kids every chance they get. Guard your young children from them. SD was 10 when our twins were born. She tried to drown my son when he was a toddler. She tried to set a fire in his room. She tried to hurt and scare them whenever she thought we weren't watching. She tried to play head games with them and turn them against eachother. When they got older, she froze them out completely and wouldn't even acknowledge them. Don't allow it. Don't try to make it work. But be stealthy about it. No big blow-outs, no drama, no ultimatums, quietly go about your own business and let your spouse handle their kids. You'll just wreck your heart if you try. and give them more ammunition to hurt you with. They are not your blood kin, they are not your problem. It took me 33 years to learn this, the future will be different. MIL is old now, she'd better watch nasty PASing azz or she'll be all alone. SD41 and SIL can go to hell, I've got nothing for them. If DH passes before me-SD41 will get nothing from me (DH was recovering from divorce caused bankruptcy when I met him, all he had was a steady job, child support payments, her massive credit card bills, an old truck and an orange couch). I feel so much better getting this off my chest. Just to be able to express 33 years of these painful feelings is priceless. Don't wait like I did. Hugs to you all
i so wish i had found this
i so wish i had found this forum and your post 16 years ago. but i was so "in love" i probably would have thought it could never apply to me.
read and BELIEVE all you newbies to men with children. it almost always ends this way.
thanks for the post and i know exactly how you feel.
I am very resentful for the
I am very resentful for the years I wasted on the skids when I was much younger. Instead of spending money on my family, it was spent clearing debts and bills left by BM and years of buying presents etc because DH had no money due to child support. I will discourage any woman that I care for never- ever get involved with a man who has skids- your heart will be broken as his loyalty will never lie with you which should be a part of a healthy relationship. When there are skids involved one will never have a happy normal relationship and that is so , so sad.
Thank you for the advice--you
Thank you for the advice--you are like an angel. Only wish I'd heard this sooner!
"The birthparents need to raise the kids they brought into this world. No one will be grateful for your efforts, just jealous, lazy and spiteful. Concentrate on raising your own children to be good and decent people. That's your job. And to be a good wife/husband to your spouse. Period. Make sure your Bios don't turn out like your SKIDS."
"They are not your blood kin, they are not your problem."
I love that quote blended
I love that quote blended familes blend like oil and water, how so true. Skids are a complete waste of time and energy, wish they just fcuking disappear off this planet so we can have a life we so deserve.
I've kinda developed a sense
I've kinda developed a sense of humor about it all now that I've detached. She can't hurt me anymore. The bios avoid her, she can't get at them. DH & MIL are on their own. They know what she is and that they helped create that monster. Especially since BM croaked and SD41 is slowly starting to realize that she's alone now because the people she looked down on, crapped on and treated like dogpoop on her shoes are all there is now. And none of us really want to be around her, even her own father. Nobody trusts her. It wasn't very funny when I was going through it all. And the worst part was that nobody could relate. Nobody else had to put up with these awful people and because their behavior was so over the top, it was almost unbelieveable. But it happened. I've never met so many truely awful people in my life as these people.
Maybe when the skid has a
Maybe when the skid has a fcuking kid which gives the skid further hold over their father, we should keep on pumping out more of our own bio kids to make DH so exhausted with our bio kids he won't have any energy to deal with the skids and grandskid
"Skids are a complete waste
"Skids are a complete waste of time and energy, wish they just fcuking disappear off this planet so we can have a life we so deserve."
I second that.
Welcome Krispey.....your
Welcome Krispey.....your story is much like mine. I have been with my husband for 23 years, he had full custody of his sons from a previous marriage and I had full custody of my daughters from my first marriage. I was never completely accepted with inlaws....eventhough they hated husband's first wife they were obviously very protective of the boys (5&7) and my husband. MIL felt she could tell husband how to live and his sister was very sure to point out my faults (in her opinion) to husband which like in your case husband never questioned or told his family to back off.
My ex was the player, the bum who wouldn't pay child support or vist/call the kids....who filled my girls' heads with lies and manipulation to place blame on me and make himself look like the victim, ha what a joke!
Husband's ex, if I could make the call, is Borderline (BPD), what a case job.....lies, lies and more lies. She played so many head games with her sons. She was the type that was demanding and boy woudl she raise a fit to get what she wanted. Had fake legal papers sent to my husband's boss claiming I had purposely not allowed her to talk on the phone to her children who she calimed she could hear in the room. It never happened....she may ahve heard the TV but I never kept her from her kid in any way, shape or form. She called when she wanted, didn't visit, didn't even have the boys half the summers they lived at home. She didn't send cards or gifts. She literally abandoned the boys. However, in a phone conversation with her she told me that I had better not think I ws their "mama," because I was not and she claimed over and over again she was going to fight for custody of the boys which she never did. The boys did call me "mom", their choice.
Family siatutions became much harder when the boys became teenagers and I coudl see the anger and resentment building within them for me. I tried and tried to get husband to step to the plate and be a father but he refused which put me in a very difficult position. I treated them as my own and disaplined them no differently than I did my own daughters but as a stepmom this was all on my shoulders as the "bad" parent who didn't love her step children, something BM did her best to convince the boys of. It was eitehr let them run and do whatever or stand for my beliefs. The stunts were plenty. I finally ended up contacting an attorney to find out my rights...attorney asked me why youngest boy ws still allowed to live in our home (after he cursed me out and thru a stack of paper in my face while husband sat and did nothing). He was the only child we asked to leave home, he was almost 19 at the time, and husband mad it all clear to him then that he had to leave.
Fast fwd, I found out the boys had molested my daughters when they were all younger. BM called the girls and I liars. Husband's family said I was favoring and not listening to the boys' side (they wouldn't talk), that I was making assumptions, that they were children, etc. It split the family right in two, this was 8 years ago. I have spoke to or seen the older boy since. He 2 years after the accusations did admit to what he was accused of and family still made excuses for him and protect him even to this day.
Younger boy, now 28, married an Italian who is very much like his mother. Lies, one thing you can count on from him, and games all over again.....she became pg. I was asking for a due date, they lived only an hour away. Husband and I were told August. Third week in Aug, two years ago, I asked husband if he had heard whetehr the baby was born. He fwd me the email his son had sent him, this was 10 days later. I asked husband why he had said nothing, he claimed he had hoped his son woudl contact me. I asked him how he coudl not have gone to the hospital to see his firt grandchild, no answer. So I contacted SS's wife and congratulated her, let her know I had just found out. She gets all mad, calls me a liar, said I should have been there. She then tells me what an awful person I am and how anymore contact would have to be thru SS, she wanted nothing more to do with us. 8 months go by and we had family in town, we invited them to come and visit, she acted so peachy, ugh! Little girls bday rolls around she asks me if I can help her with the party which she had planned for mid-day, mid-week. They live an hour away and I work. I decided to try and make things good and take off work to make this possible. I get on email to tell her this and thre is an email waiting for me from her.....they decided to wait until the weekend when BM coudl be a part of the celebration. That was it for me....my bad, but I told her, "Hell no we cannot be a part" (I do not normally cuss unless mad) and I simply said we have a long history with SS's mom and it would be best that we were not in the same room. SS just went crazy....email after hateful email. Husband told me to not even pen any more emails after the first one and I didn't. I went to counseling instead!
In counseling I learned that the boys' issues lay in the foundation of the relatiomnship they have with their bio parents but that I was the easy target for blame. She told me to back out of the picture entirely as I would be nothing more than a punching bag and they would not be able to see anything I did as proper or correct. I did exactly what the counselor told me. Nothing between husband and the boys has ever been resolved and life goes on for me. They are no longer included for holidays, gifts, ect. If husband wants to do that it is up to him. There has never been an apology and I don't expect there ever will be. I know I did my best by them all.
Husband is now in counseling trying to deal with his passive-aggressive ways that got us in this mess to begin with. I was very naive, 26 when we met and looking back I can say that if I had the chance to do it all again I woudl have ran as fast as my feet could have had I known what ws instore. At the time I was "in love," now I can say that is hardly the case.
You asked- "How does a mother
You asked- "How does a mother dump her own flesh and blood, and then get her children to worship her and take their blame out on some poor sap stepmother?"
My thoughts here is this is someone that walked out on them/abandoned them and once the abandoned parent comes back the fear from the child, even if grown, is this could very easily happen again so they want to please, believe the lies even if they can see they are lies, support that parent thru the most nonsense just so they do not face the abandonment again. We, as stepmothers, will never hold that same glorified role. We could be MOTHER Teresa herself and it would not make any difference. The parents that abandon could be living the most dishonorable lifestyle and the abandoned child will be able to overlook it.
My SSs also blame their father. BM was messing around with other men and staying out at bars/Clubs at night when husband decided enough was enough. She did not even try for custody and back in the mid 80's she would have been automatically given custody had she wanted but she walked away. She asked husband if he woudl one day consider letting her have the boys once she got settled, he said that he would think about it. She left and made no contact for 2 years, she had met another man, married and had anotehr child before she decided she wanted anything to do with her sons. By this time husband said they were all doing well and he was not willing to give up custody which she was fine with until she realized I WAS IN THE PICTURE. Almost a year had passed, that's how little contact she had, before she realized I was in the picture and then the claws came out, not from me, from her and this was when she started trying to turn the boys against their dad and me, telling them all kinds of lies, this is when she decided she was going to fight for custody and never did.
The boys as adults in their 20's asked their dad why he stayed with me and not their mom. They cannot see their mom for who she is and the way we see her. They see her as a victim, as innocent, and she is NOT!
Krispey, I hope this thread
Krispey, I hope this thread stays active. You took the words right out of alot of our mouths and people need to read this!
I disengaged 2 1/2 years ago. I'm still trying to get my happiness back! I see people on commercials on TV laughing until they cry and I think. "that used to be me". When you finally get away from it all, is when you realize just how bad it was.
It is not you, it is them! It wouldn't matter who your spouse married, they were going to hate on the stepmom. Remember that everyone!
Ditto. 20 + years for me and
Ditto. 20 + years for me and I kick myself for not paying attention to the red flags that were waving all over the place. Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock. So many regrets. I just feel spent and used now. What a waste of time being a SM was. Only to be stabbed in the back, ouch.
All you said is true. My life
All you said is true. My life improved 100% when I quietly stepped back and let DH handle all the drama, tragedy and lies that came with skids and BM. Don't like what I cook, there is pb & j sandwiches if you wish to make one. You don't have any clean clothes, the washer is in the laundry room. Your teacher didn't give out report cards, how lucky for you.
It took me 8 years to realize the catch-22 of being a stepmother. Nothing you do is good enough and your intentions are always suspect. So do nothing and you win!
I have a great life with a wonderful husband, great bios and good friends. My DH has 2 lazy, dropout kids and a crazy ex. Nothing to do with me or my life anymore.
If DH feels he can have a
If DH feels he can have a relationship with his skids who despise his partner- DH is fcuking kidding himself if he thinks his woman will be 100% commited to him- it doesn't work that way- its similar to bullies at school who pick on your friend but you will go and be the friend to them- The trust is eroded over time to the point of not caring- I'm sticking around until our bio sons are grown up so those fcuking skids are not involved in their life without me around, it's to protect my children from the skids so they can't torment them. Our bio son turned 13 and do you think he got a present from those fcuking entitled oxygen theives- no he got nothing- fcuking arsewipes. I will wait a few more days and make it clear to DH that they are fcuking selfish-self absorbed individuals who don't even care about your own son- but hey that's ok you will defend them over our son- you fcuking idiot. I am done and dusted, just buying my time until I'm out of here after the boys are educated and will move to be closer to my family. Nothing will ever change fcuking DH loyalty will always be fixated on the skids and their needs and put your needs and the family needs on the shit pile.
I love reading these posts. I
I love reading these posts. I wish someone had warned me to run. I feel like my SS forever changed me. even though he is 20 now, sometimes I want to leave my DH, so that I never have to see my SS again. Thinking about the future and possible grandchildren terrifies me. He just served 4 months in jail for burglary and drug possession and I never want this crook to step foot in my home again. Is that okay to tell my DH?
We all have a right to feel
We all have a right to feel safe in our homes. I'd start telling him now so he can get it in his head that SS won't be allowed to bring his criminal lifestyle ito your home.
I have had your same
I have had your same sedament. I too would not want a criminal in my house either.
Thank you everyone, you just
Thank you everyone, you just don't know how good it feels to finally be able to say how I feel and have someone hear me that can relate. I saw a reference in another post about the Drama Triangle. It's true, there is a drama triangle (or quad when MIL piles on). I have come to realize that it wouldn't have mattered who DH married, so it really wasn't personal, anyone would have been treated badly. And yet they probed for weak spots and exploited them! SD41 had Daddy to herself for 5 years before we met, she was a mini-wife and didn't want to give up her role. DH is a Momma's boy, so MIL didn't want to let go and let her boy grow up. They all played their RA games, now its my turn. MIL would like to move in with us because she can't get around much anymore. Ain't never gonna happen bitch. She can go into the nursing home and DH agrees, he doesn't want her whining troublemaking azz here either. SD41 has never invited us to her house for a meal. Good, I wouldn't go to her house anyway. The last time DH dropped by (without her wanting him to do stuff for her), she chewed his azz for coming by without her permission. That really hurt him. DH has always tried to be a good Dad, he's put up with a lot of abuse from that bunch just so he could be there for his daughter. I think he's finally had enough. There is no gratitude in SD41, she's a selfish, emotional retard. I'm looking forward to the holidays for the first time in years. I'm taking back my power! DH wants to invite SD41? Fine, we'll eat at 2:00 pm. Arrive late-too bad, we ate without you. Want to drop by for your loot Christmas morning? I'm not shopping for them and we'll open presents around 8:00 am. Show up late? Too bad, we'll be busy cleaning up and cooking. Put your stuff in a garbage bag and take it home with you. I insisted on this last year, the look on her face when she came 2 hours late and the food was put up and dishes done was priceless! I will do no shopping or go out of my way for them this year. I'm retraining DH. Want a peaceful, mellow homelife, pampering and hot sex? Keep MIL and SD41 out of our lives. I'm your wife, my job is to take extra good care of you and take care of my bios. By the way the two bios have turned out to be exceptional kids, not like their step-sister. No drugs, DUIs, divorces, losing jobs, dysfunction. I'm so proud of my bios! My bios have good jobs and are kind, loving family oriented people. Like me. They see their half-sister for what she is and while they pity her, they don't trust her and have no desire to be around her. She'd still hurt them if she could.
So many women, so varied in
So many women, so varied in age, and from so many countries around the globe and here we are on steptalk all with the same story.
How different life could be if all parents brought their children up to be respectful, independent men and women who lived their lives as self sufficient adults instead of spoilt, blood sucking parasites without an ounce of respect or compassion for anyone.
My husband has three adult children all users and abusers and he doesn't give a shit about how bad they are, he completely ignores it. He is so grateful for any morsel of attention his daughter gives him that when she last rang him she actually hung up on him, and he was still happy. She had rung him that was enough to make him happy. He is like a naughty child seeking attention, any attention he gets from her is good as far as he is concerned, even if it is rude or abusive, it is still attention.
I thank God I threw her out of here and she will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER be in my life again.
Pack MIL stuff up and move
Pack MIL stuff up and move her in with the skid , that will fcuk her.
Pack MIL stuff up and move
Pack MIL stuff up and move her in with the skid , that will fcuk her.
Boy am I glad I've joined
Boy am I glad I've joined this forum today. Having been with DP for 2 years, and having nothing but stresses from the almost adultSkids... (19, 21, 23). I was beginning to wonder if I was losing my mind. They've hated the idea of me from the start. SS23 is still living at home with insane BM who has spent the last 2 years poisoning their minds. She has played the victim so well that they eventually all caved in and the hatred started for their Father and myself, after all, she was providing the roof over their head still... (oh wait, its all paid for by DP!! :?
SS23 lives with BM, and SD19, plus a very young girlfriend and a baby that she 'claims' is his. (it was someone elses a few months ago.. so who knows!)...He's lost his job again, and the girlfriend has shown disrespect for DP... oh wait, we've also heard that the girlfriend may be pregnant again?! They pay no bills, or contribute to the house (again, which DP is paying a LOT of money for, so much so that he cannot afford to live properly himself until the divorce is finalised!).
SD21 has just found herself to be pregnant...she lives in a bedsit with a very choice boyfriend, oh sorry, 'Fiance' dontchaknow! He doesn't work either. *sigh* They can't even afford to eat at times apparently... (so the text messages say to DP when they want money!)
The BM is completely enabling these selfish, self indulgent, disrespectful adults and seems to revel in their new hateful behaviour aimed at their Father who has done nothing but provide for them their WHOLE life!!! I expected them to dislike me, but the rude messages and disgusting posts I have seen aimed at both him and me...well... quite simply, I cannot imagine wanting any of them in my life... especially having anything to do with my DD6. I am scared as to what will happen when the new baby comes along...DP says he wants nothing to do with them until they can apologise to both himself and me. But I really don't think it will end there...
and because of DP's strained relationship with them now, and their lack of respect, he really has no way of trying to get any of them on the straight and narrow. The BM is using them as pawns to try and hurt DP. Its infuriating, and I really do not want these people in my life!
So glad to have seen this post... I won't waste time even trying!!