Free loading lazy stepdaughter

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Hello,

I am a male in my early 50's. I am with a bautiful woman a few years older than I. I have a 22 year old son, who has left the nest and is 95+% independent. My commonlaw wife brings a daughter into the relationship. Her daughter was adopted as she & her EX couldnt have children. They adopted a 3 month old girl.

Today, 25 and a half years later, that girl is just as dependent as she was the day she was adopted. I'm almost sure "Mommy" even has to wipe her butt. Yes, at 25, she calls her mother "Mommy".

in all fairness, she is a student however, she is taking mickey mouse cources so she doesnt have to move out. My rule is, as long as the kids are attending school, we will support them however, this is bloody redicules. She has taken a 3 year post secondary accounting course so she should have been gone 3 years ago.

She pretends to be doing homework from the minute she wakes, up until she goes back to sleep. Mommy gives her a total free pass on any house hold chores including helping make meals or clearing the table & dishes afterward. Considering she eats more than mommy and I put together, I feel this is BS.

She contributes nothing ever. She has a part time job and spends 100% of her money on DVD's, never something she needs. That's mommys responsibility to provide.

If she ever prepairs food, it is for herself only. She never even bothers to ask us if we wish to eat any of our own food. In fact, I cannot even prepair food as I like it (Hot spice) because the infantile child will whine to mommy. I am to divide the portion of food (eg pot of chilli) prior to adding spice. She had the nerve to tell me, not ask but tell me to split in in half first, "half for me, and half for you guys before you add the peepers" she said.

That was the very instant I decided she can have food the way she wishes, the day she earns the money, cashes her pay cheque goes to the store, selects and pays for it herself, and decides on cooking it, ...herself. I proceeded to add numerous hot peepers, seeds and all into MY entire pot of chilli. I don't believe I have ever enjoyed chilli more than I enjoyed it that day. I especially enjoyed watching her fat face turn beet red from the hot peeopers & see her eyes flood with tears. Mommy wasn't happy & had no problem expressing how mean I was by making the chilli so hot knowing the child was also eating some. I bluntly explained she can buy & make her own food anytime she wishes if she doesnt like my cooking.

She is driving me crazy and I have come to hate the sight of her. To see her moping long face every morning, like she is living a hard life or some bull like that. She takes 45 minute hot showers. I have to open the hot tap in the kitchen to stop her.

She has been molly-coddled all her life & is a useless tit as a result.

I have given her one more year to finish school and leave (big fight) because I refuse to look at her another damn day after.

Am I unreasonable or what

enough is enough.

Your chili paragraph made me

Your chili paragraph made me grin from ear to ear
Its time for that grown up to grow up and move on.

No, you are not unreasonable.

No, you are not unreasonable. However, NOTHING will change until "Mommy" starts setting boundaries and rules. Mommy needs to make her daughter grow up and move out, but it does not sound like Mommy wants to do that.

You will never be happy in this situation, and it may never change. It is in your partner's hands-she has to handle her daughter.

My DH has 3 young adults (19, 20, 23), and they act much like your partner's daughter. They do not go to school, they just sit around eating, sleeping and playing video games all day. Their mother is fine with that, so they can stay there. Two of them wanted to move in with us, and I will NEVER allow it. I would wind up divorced.

I wish you luck. Just remember, you deserve to be happy, and this is not the life you should be having.

Oh-mi-gawd, you are a saint!

Oh-mi-gawd, you are a saint! This 'child' will never change and neither will your wife, sorry to say. You HAVE to do this or your life will continue on as the breadwinner, breadbaker, bread slicer but only half the breadloaf eater

I wish you luck, I'm sorry for the mess you find yourself immersed in and you sound like a hard working, nice man. Stick to your guns. You may have to move out yourself in one year. If you find you have to take this step it may be the wake up call that your WIFE (not her daughter) needs.

your wife is putting her

your wife is putting her daughter's WANTS ahead of your NEEDS. she should be putting her marriage first. otherwise, she's breaking her vows to you.

if the girl is buying DVD's and watching them, she has time to make contributions to the household chores. letting her get away without contributing is enabling her sense of entitlement.

i know exactly how you feel. my husband did it to me, too. what you will have to do is give the ultimatum of "her or me" and then stick to it.

she's 25 years old, for God's sake.

4gotten, I totally agree wtih

4gotten, I totally agree wtih you. I told my DH I was his bedroom wife and my 20 yr old SD was his everything else wife. He puts us on the same level. It is coming to a boiling point with me to. I can sympathize with him. I hope your wife wakes up before she looses what she loves. Your SD is taking your wife for a ride and she is blind to the fact. A lot of these parents refuse to let the kids grow up so they sacrafice everything and then they are left alone with the person they were enabling has gone about their lives, after draining the spouse.I wish you luck as I dont see many men with our issues.

You are not being

You are not being unreasonable. This is molly coddling at it's finest. I was in a similar situation except I married DH and moved in w/him and SD (25) at the time. She was wrapping her her advanced degree and didn't work. She had no chores, was lazy as the day is long, was mean spirited and did everything in her power to get me out. Her excuse was once she finished school, she'd get a job, find a place and move out. After she finished, she pretended to look for a job for one year. When she found one, DH told her she could stay another year or so and save her money. Bottom line was he wanted her to stay as long as she wanted.

I couldn't stand the site of her. She was so rude she wouldn't even speak to me. I got fed up and told my DH either she had to go or I was moving. He didn't want to kick his baby out on the street (mind you she had a mom who lived alone in a home and she could have moved in with her - but they didn't get along). So since DH had his head up his butt about his little princess, I had to put strategy into play.

I decided to make things so difficult that she would want to leave. I started hiding things and we stopped buying her favorite food. When DH and I would go out to dinner, he would offer to bring her food home - I put an end to it and reminded him he wasn't obligated to feed her because she was an adult. I insisted that she pay real rent instead of the pittance she was giving him (less than $100). I then insisted that she buy her own food and clean up after herself. I also put the brakes on her BF staying over night. I started taking DH to our bedroom to watch tv behind closed doors, to let her know that we wanted our privacy and didn't want to have to look at her smug face every night. She finally got the hint that 3 is a crowd, and moved out. Sadly because of her foolishness I don't have a relationship with her now. I'm cordial but that's about it.

It's time to put your foot down and get a plan for her exit or you'll end up dealing with this foolishness another 10 years. How long is she planning on living there? Does she have a plan for her life? You need to have this discussion.

I was never so miserable in my life when my SD lived here, and still resent my DH for not taking a stand and turning a blind eye to her BS, nasty disposition, and laziness. When SD finally moved out, she was a few months shy of . . . 28!

You go girl. You sure showed

You go girl. You sure showed her who's boss! Good for you for putting your foot down. That girl needs to find her own DH and leave yours alone!

Does she have a tendancy to

Does she have a tendancy to sleep in? My new thing is to get up, shower....and while shaving, stick a bucket under the shower and turn to tap to ice cold. Grab 10 handfulls of ice and stick it in the bucket. Finish shaving, brush my teeth, get dressed and just before heading to work and kissing my wife.......dump the entire bucket of ice water on my SD and yell...."Rise and Shine".

She doesn't sleep in any more. All I have to do is rattle the bucket and she's out of bed with coffee in hand. Amazing. Two months ago she would sleep in till 2 or 3 pm every day.

you had me until this story.

you had me until this story. this is effective but cruel. i can't see anyone treating someone this way.

Ya, you had me too but this

Ya, you had me too but this is sadistic.

can i send her to your house

can i send her to your house where she can sleep the day away. I've only done it once and it was only a couple gallons of water. Not gonna lie....she didn't like it, but it gets results.

if this is your solution to

if this is your solution to her sleeping in, then maybe you are part of the reason the two of you don't get along. if you want respect, then you have to give it. it won't always work but then you can't be blamed for any disrespect that comes your way.

throwing water on someone who is sleeping is childish and sadistic. if you had done that to me, i would hate you.

asking sarcastically if you can send her to us is deflecting.

I disagree. Ice water is very

I disagree. Ice water is very effective and it only takes once or twice. I have raised 7 children and when they got to be teenagers it was pure HELL trying to get them to even open their eyes and acknowledge that I was trying to wake them up for school, work, etc. They would just lie there ignoring me, or roll over and pull the blanket up. I actually only had to do it to 2 of my boys and ALL the kids got the message, including the steps. I just had a regular glass of ice water. I tried to wake them up, the ignoring ensued, I warned them, still ignored, then dumped the water on their heads. They were terribly pissef off but out of bed like a shot! From that day on I merely had to jiggle a glass of ice near them and they were wide awake.
So it's not a nice thing to do but neither is putting me through an hour of hell every freaking day trying to wake up lazy kids. Plus it works immediately and the problem is solved from then on.

It's interesting with the

It's interesting with the food isn't it? Maybe it is a small thing but it is also symbolic in so many ways. I remember one night being upset because I love indian chicken dishes (very hot). I had just finished a big week at work and SD was due on Friday for the normal week on/week off. DH rang and said he ordered Indian and I incorrectly thought 'How lovely he knows that I like and that I have just finished a tough week at work." DH ordered mild chicken SD's favourite dish and didn't check at all what I might want. Stupid I know but that hurt. So silly of me. I really understand what you are experiencing. It takes a while to adjust for everyone.

You keep serving up those hot dishes. You are doing ok. I think maybe our partners were very lonely in their previous partnerships and needed their children's love and adoration a bit too much. We can chose to forgive them whilst setting boundaries for the SKIDs.

I know about the food thing.

I know about the food thing. If we are ignored at a basic human need level it really hurts.

I make a delicious meat loaf and DH always loved it. One day I made meatloaf and my sister was over too and when my sister complimented me on it DH said, oh you should taste SD's meatload, IT'S REALLLLLY GOOOD! WTF? Could he not keep his yapper shut about SD when I am receiving a compliment? What a doofus.

I had a similar experience.

I had a similar experience. We took SD with us on a fishing trip. DH brought a crock pot to make my favorite pork dish. The idea was that it would cook all day while we fished and we would come home to a hot meal. He bought all the ingredients and had everything ready to go when his bitch of a daughter said that she no longer eats pork for personal reasons. So what does DH do? He runs to the store and buys what princess wants and we don't get to have my favorite dish despite all of DH's preparation. We eat what the bitch wanted. I was furious. SD loved it that she had the power to do this. What infuriated me further was when she came to visit months later and was bragging about a ham hock she was given and how huge it was. She was then telling DH about all the recipes she wanted to try in order to use the meat. :jawdrop: Silly me, I thought she didn't eat pork. This was just further proof that her little scam she pulled on our fishing trip was just that; a scam. Needless to say, DH has learned his lesson. He won't be doing that again. She's been out of our lives for a year now and it's been wonderful. This happened 5 years ago. Now DH sees his little bitch for what she is; a lying, conniving, manipulative, adult brat.

It comes down to our partners

It comes down to our partners putting their wants and their adult children's wants ahead of our needs and our wants. Sometimes when it's close to home like the "food" thing we let it get under our skin.

Question "how would you treat your own child?". That's my test for how to stay a good person. Pouring freezing water on them? No not a good idea. No matter how manipulative and lazy the child is, they do not need more selfishness and bad parenting. That is why they are in the bad place they are in. Mummy and or daddy putting their egos first.

It comes down to our partners

Although I am " across the

Although I am " across the pond " , your situation mirrors mine . I work full time , my fiancee ( SD's Mum works AND has cancer . SD stays up all night then sleeps all day and throws a fit if we have the tv on , vaccuum or do the laundry , meanwhile she crashes around the house all night allowing us no sleep . SHE is the only one who set down any house rules when I moved in , ie. SHE rides in the front of the car , if SHE walks into the kitchen , I have to walk out , ( I do all the cooking by the way ). She will walk into the lounge when we are watching a tv programme and flip channels to some childrens programme ( she is 26) and if I object she will just say " That is what I do , get over it " . She is a fussy eater so I also am expected to make her seperate meals , at all other times she is in her bed ramming chocolate down her throat and drinking gallons of coke . SHE IS HUGE !!!
When I asked her mum why we had to do as the girl says , mum replied that " I guess she just learned to slam doors at an early age ".
Problem is , as she has NEVER had to do ANYTHING , she is incapable of looking after herself independantly , I mean , she cannot / will not even change the toilet roll when it runs out . She even leaves her dirty panty pads in her underwear for me to pick out when I do the laundry .
I know people will say " assert yourself " but the bitch has been getting her own way since the age of 2 and creates such a bad atmosphere around the house when she is in a bad mood that I have given up like the rest of her family and put up with it for a reasonably quiet life...Her father will not give her house room as he has had a gut full of her and is glad to be rid of her . I don't expect any advice or cures , just glad to get it off my chest . Thanks for listening !

Take those dirty panty pads

Take those dirty panty pads and place them on her pillow EVERY single time she leaves them in her underwear....She will get the message. That is disgusting and filthy piggish behavior....

i feel for you. even women

i feel for you. even women can have mini wives.

accept that your wife has put her daughter over you in importance. it is as if your wife has a lover.

as you are technically married, i would speak to a lawyer asap as you may have to make the choice to leave the marriage.

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Free loading lazy stepdaughter