My husband hates my 15 year old son. I need some advice as soon as possible. I don't know what to do here.
Hello to all of you reading this cry for help. I have 4 kids but 1 of them is the child of my husband. I have been married for 7 years now. My oldest son I had when I was 15 years old. My husband and I have known each other since that time, when we were kids and we were the best of friends. We decided to get married and he wanted to adopt all of my children. I have never let my oldest son call anyone else "daddy" except for my husband.
As of now, my husband is holding a huge grudge against my son because of some unfortunate circumstances that happened over a month ago. Let me explain... My husband came home one night very drunk and began calling me bad names, you know, the whole whiskey talking language. My son was here and was worried about me and tried to stand guard over me while my husband was acting the way he was. My other smaller kids were all here as well. I didn't have any money to go anywhere and we are out in the country so no neighbors house to go to.
My husband was talking about killing himself and driving off somewhere and not coming back because he would make himself have a wreck... yada yada yada... My son has never been around a drunken idiot and my husband is not an alcoholic, he just wanted to get drunk I assume. My son was very worried about this kind of talk and told me that if he were to drive off drunk, he would call 911 and get him off of the road. My son told me not to worry, and while my husband was acting this way that he would be the man of the house :).
I should have stayed away from my husband that night but as a worry wort I felt like I needed to protect him from doing anything stupid. My husband, my son and I were outside that night while I was trying to make everything better, my son pulled me into the house and told me to just leave him be, he would sleep it off. Well, it happened, right after I went into my house my husband tore out of the driveway in his car as fast as he could.
My son ran into the house and called 911. He told them that his dad had driven off drunk and he was worried about him hurting himself or someone else. My husband is now fighting in the courts to try and get himself out of some serious trouble. We have some fines and a lawyer to pay for a second offense O.W.I (operating while intoxicated), both within 10 years.
My husband is showing some hatred with my son. He doesn't want to be around him at all and it is driving me insane. He also told me that he doesn't want to be his dad anymore. He told me today that he does not like the kid and wouldn't give me a good reason why whenever I asked him. I don't know if we need some counseling or what. My son is scared of him and feels like he doesn't like him after this whole ordeal. I feel at fault here because I could not go anywhere that night and take my kids away.
There is a bright side to all of this - my husband has not touched any alcohol since then. I keep explaining to him that we did not mean for him to get in any trouble and I think he refuses to believe me. I am having thoughts of divorce or separation because of the way he is ignoring my son and how uncomfortable my son feels in what is supposed to be his home. In my eyes it is not fair to my child. He deserves to be in a home where he is loved and wanted and he also deserves to have a daddy that loves him. After all of this I also don't feel "at home" here anymore. I am thinking about just finding another place to live just for me and my kids and I am currently looking for a job to do that.
Today I wanted my son to go with us, as a family tomorrow to another town. My husband took me into the room and quietly told me that he didn't want to be in the same vehicle as my son. He is too cowardly to talk about his feelings with my son, like he is scared of him? He leaves me to do his dirty work and to voice his feelings for him. I don't understand.
I don't know what to do.
Your husband is an idiot.
Your husband is an idiot. Your son is a very responsible young man. You need to be very, very careful here as to what message you send your son.
Your son has done the right thing and this man is "punishing" him for it. Even the punishment is way out of whack. Your husband no longer wants to this child to call him dad. Your son is going through puberty, he does not need to be abandoned by the man he calls dad. There is never a good time for that to happen of course, but puberty would have to be one of the worst times.
This is not the first time your husband has driven drunk. You say he is not an alcoholic and that you stayed with your husband that night because you wanted to make everything better. The other word for your actions is enabling.
You cannot make a drunk person sober. You could have removed his keys, if you have two cars you should have taken his keys and left. If you have only one car, you again could have taken the keys and left. You are living with a very impressionable young man at the moment, your son. You are teaching him life's lessons by your actions. You need to make sure your actions are responsible,because clearly the man this kid calls dad is not. Driving drunk is the most selfish, stupid irresponsible thing anyone can do. All too often, they kill or injure someone else. He could have killed someone else's child or wiped out an entire family, and he has driven drunk before. Your son made excellent choices that night, you husband did not.
I think there is a lot more going on here than you have said, but even if it was this one incident. I would be standing by your son's choice, and I'd be letting my husband know that IN FRONT OF MY SON. Usually I would never say anyone should speak in front of children in regards to marital issues, but in this case, your son is being badly hurt by this man. Your son did the right thing, this man is now refusing to allow him to call him dad, and doesn't want your son in the vehicle. I hope to God you did the right thing and didn't go yourself. If you left that boy home to be punished yet again for doing the right thing, then you are worse than your husband. It sounds like you have a great kid there, this incident could change all that.
You need to change how you are handling this. When your husband came home drunk and threating suicide or whatever, you needed to remove the keys or YOU needed to call the police, you should never have put your son in that position. If your son just did that on his own, YOU needed to tell your husband either you made the call, or you told your son to do it, you needed to take the blame, because I suspect this is not the first time he has treated your son badly.
You should have told you husband if your son does not go, then you and the other kids won't be going either. Better yet, let the idiot who caused all the trouble, your husband, stay home alone. He is the one who made poor choices that have now caused all this trouble in the family.
I think as I said there is far more going on here than you have said, and I think you should just get out now, go to a shelter, and work it out from there.
Stop enabling your husband. You say your husband made you do his dirty work, he was afraid to talk to your son, you also made your son do your dirty work. You allowed your son to ring 911, he warned you he would. Then after making the call, whether with or without your permission, you have not stood by him. You should have taken responsibility for the call that went out to 911. If your husband is hurting you. Leave, and leave now. Do not make excuses, just go. There are women's shelters all over the world. I am sure you could find one. I get that your confidence has taken a damn good beating, that is how men get away with abuse, they destroy your confidence, they nake you feel that you will be unable to cope without them. Well, you actually can not only cope without them, you can create a whole new and better life for yourself and your kids. It is time for YOU to step up here and fix this for yourself and your kids.
Well said. And i think the
Well said. And i think the mom here should have called 911 on the drunken idiot. I would toss his ass out and stand by the son who has more integrity than both parents put together!
Duplicate post.
Duplicate post.
He is projecting his own
He is projecting his own feelings of guilt for his behavior onto your son!!Totally irresposible and wrong!Your poor child- he did nothing wrong and gets punished because your husband refuses to admit that he behaved like a total asshole.Leave.
You are 30 with 4 kids and a
You are 30 with 4 kids and a DH with TWO Owi's.
Not good.
I hope, with everything that's in me, that you STAND UP for your son in every way possible against your loser, and arguably, alcoholic husband.
What.an.asshole. Like...wow. Your DH was a drunk asshole and is now trying to make YOUR SON the bad guy. Dude, look in the mirror.
Please be a mom first here. He needs you.
^^^^agree with all. you will
^^^^agree with all. you will have to lay this squarely at your husband's feet: he caused all this to happen. no. one. else.
Hmmm, a couple of things
Hmmm, a couple of things stood out to me in your post. You were 'making everything better' and this never works. And you gloss over the 'fines' and 2nd OWI.
If your DH is fined he needs to face the consequences of his actions. He really needs to man-up. Right now he is ashamed and embarrassed and blaming your son because he is also a bully and a coward.
So do you stay with this man and protect and make everything right? I did that for YEARS with my ex. It didn't work. I got stressed out beyond belief and ended up with chronic undefinable pains and aches. I thought I had all kinds of crap. Eventually my ex left on his own accord and suprise! My aches and pains went away.
Your DH needs AA and that should be a condition of staying with him. Drinking and driving kills people. He is lucky he got picked up. And if you DO stay with him and he DOES continue to drink make damned sure his life insurance is paid up. And also put some more money aside for the eventual lawyer you will need to defend him when he gets charged with vehicular homicide. What he did would be a deal breaker for me. Some things are non-negotiable.
^^^^ yes, yes, yes.
^^^^ yes, yes, yes.
Your son was in the right and
Your son was in the right and your husband is just ticked he got called out and in trouble by a kid who did what he did for the good of right vs wrong and the safety and lives of others and your husband. I applaude the boy for what he did and you should be too your husband screwed up he has no one to blame but himself but he'd rather blame your son than take responsibility himself and he needs to be told so, I agree with emotionallybeatup.
I agree with the others, your
I agree with the others, your husband is indeed a jackass. Your son did the right thing by getting him off the road so he wouldn't kill himself or some helpless family, and now DH is angry. This is plain and utter foolishness.
DH should be apologizing to your son for putting him and the family through the trauma of a drunken rant in the first place. I commend the kid for manning up and doing what needed to be done. Your son is more of a man than your DH will ever be.
Get DH in some counseling before he ends up in prison for taking someone else's life or ending his own. And make it clear that if he continues to treat your son with such disrespect and disdain for doing the right thing, you have no choice but to leave because you will not allow him to mistreat your son. DH is the only one at fault here . . .period. He's using your son as a scapegoat so he doesn't have to acknowlege his own pathetic behavior.
So, nothing else to add to
So, nothing else to add to what Shannon61 said, except for your son's sake I hope you are taking note of what everyone is saying here. You cannot fix a drinker. Your husband drinks, I don't care if he drinks once every decade, it does not matter, because the times he drinks, he drinks IRRESPONSIBLY. He may have two DUI's, but that's only because he didn't get caught the other times.
Poor kid! He shouldn't even
Poor kid!
He shouldn't even have had to be the adult that night. You should have called the police....AS SOON AS HE GOT HOME AND STARTED THE BS AND SUICIDE THREATS.
Your kid might have saved your husband and someone else's life that night, but your husband is obviously too selfish (as he proved when he drove drunk-TWICE) to care about anyone else.
Don't put your poor, helpless, innocent, responsible kid through this. You are letting him witness abuse, alcoholism, a a total lack of regard for other people's lives. We can only work with the tools we are equipped with. Do you really want your son thinking that drinking, suicide, abusing kids and women are the tools to pull out when he's upset?
Show him strength, show him how to be independent, and show him that you can walk away when someone is not treating you right. You are modeling for him what is an acceptable way to be treated and behave. You don't get another chance once their grown. Do it right, and do it right NOW!
I have walked on someone who
I have walked on someone who was cruel and abusive. You will never regret walking but I will not hide from you that at times it will be hard. You and your family will love you in new wonderful ways. Go! Be careful and get support. Plan properly and exit in a way that does not endanger the children. He will be angry and nasty so make it clean and fast. You have an excellent boy there and you raised him that way so well done! Hope we are not all being too hard on you.