I don't think you should be asking this of US...I think you should be asking YOUR HUSBAND. Mind you, I do understand they can be pretty ridiculous and I definitely understand why you are asking for suggestions, but at the end of the day, it is your DH and his kids that have a tough time with this.

With that in mind, since the skids have other parents or grandparents who contribute more, I would be a little pissed off...but at least for YOUR home, here are some suggestions since you are custodial and the kids don't really have "another family" contributing to their gifts.

Ask YOUR husband what he considers fair:
1. same number of gifts
2. equal amount of money spent on each

Whichever he picks, GO TOGETHER TO BUY THE GIFTS. If he does NOT want to go together to buy the gifts, then you can make sure that he is aware that you will buy whatever YOU WANT and he has no say later on.

Good luck.

PS - when SKIDS have other family giving them gifts, as they normally do, I think it is ridiculous to spend the same amount as bios who only have one set of parents/grandparents.

Evidentally you don't like the fact your skids and key in this situation- your DH, act in this manner. Neither would I.

In fact I would go so far as to do as you suggested without feeling guilt, have separate xmas's. Your DH doesnt care that he tainted you and your children's xmas, so long as his mini prince and princess arent inconvenienced or slighted (even though they werent).

How effing rude.

Seriously, by getting anxious, running around organising gifts FOR your DH's children (presume you buy things rather than DH doing it for his children), making sure everything is "fair" you are enabling this shoddy situation to continue. Guess what? Even WHEN you abided by the crazies rules of same amount of presents or $, your DH STILL wasnt happy and neither were his mini me's. So WTF are you doing by adhering to rules which cause you stress, you dont believe in, cause you problems for your own children?

Tell DH to do one. He has a problem with that? AND?

I suggest you tell him he is responsible for buying the skids gifts with $x and you are responsible for your own. If he wants updates or to pry what you have bought in order to terrorise or best you, then dont tell him. Why when all it does is cause you problems? Disengage from him, his kids and this problem and allow him to crack on with sorting his kids gifts.

Also inform him seeing as he destroyed YOUR children's xmas by harassing them, berating you over the gifts provided then you are as equally entitled to "protect" them from their EVIL stepdad because its obvious he favours his children with his attitude at xmas. Concentrating so much on ensuring HIS children arent slighted, then in doing so he is slighting yours and expecting you to do the same.

I would go APESHHIT if my partner did this. I remember one xmas, I was purchasing the gifts for my DH's son he started complaining about them, even though I had paid for things. So instead of grovelling, feeling guilty, I told my DH to shove it up his arse, that I wasnt buying anything else and I wanted him to pay me back for everything I had personally paid. I then carried through with the above. DH regretted it I can tell you and when he tried to pull emotional blackmail on me, it didnt work. In your shoes I would throw it back at your DH "well DH its quite clear you want to push my children to one side, as you dont give a crap how much you nearly detroyed xmas morning with my young kids" and the thing is, is this is actually TRUE. Its what your DH is doing and what you are allowing him to do by tip toeing around him in case he explodes.

Number of gifts is ridiculous tradition to start. Stop that now. Also, you need to do the present opening with some order to it. We make each kid wait while one opens...

As for Step kids for the Christmas Day. If you have them that day fine, but don't push it. Enjoy the day with your kids and then when they are there open with them. Stops the comparisons.

For us it is easy. Hannukah husband does that. I do Christmas, so there is no comparing at all. I buy what I want. But, this year, I have decided to buy nothing and pay for the family to go on a cruise. No SD since she doesn't live here, but SS and BS17 even get their own state room and I am thrilled that I do not have to decorate the house....

My dh used to be like this, but not to that extent. No,matter what he always felt as came up short. Never mind that he did get a big Xmas with his bm and extended family too. Finally one year I had enough and told him he could buy as whatever he wanted and I'd get the rest of the kids their gifts, he bought him one gift. A bicycle. Lol! All that bitching about not enough gifts and when he does it on his own he manages to buy exactly ONE. I did very kindly pick him up a few more odds and ends on dec 23 rd, but I never let dh forget it and he never sai another word. Now as no longer lives here and were sort of "estranged"-issue did come up last year with dh wanting to buy him a laptop. I'm like- he doesn't even speak to u or want to come visit- why the hell are you buying him a laptop? Then it wasa psp? Again wtf? We ended up compromising on. 100 gift card and a 100 jacket. IMO, way more than the shit deserved but whatever. This year i am not expending any effort whatsoever to get anything nor am I even willing to waste my breath having a discussion about it

Don't get them sh!t. Let daddy handle it.

Ugh! Christmas in my house is a disaster!!! I buy all the presents and I try to spend the same amount of money on each kid. Naturally BD4 gets more because her stuff is cheaper. DD10 is in the middle and SD15 gets way less because she wants Uggs, North Face coats, Xbox.

Then DH feels bad for poor wittle SD because she doesn't have enough so he goes out behind my back and spends another 600 on her!! Then SD gets presents from BM's mother, MIL and other relatives and ends up with shitloads of gifts and the other 2 get screwed every single year!!

So to make it even I buy a shitload of presents and tell DD they are from her dad. (Her dad lives far away and is always broke but DH doesn't realize I do this)

So last year my DD10 got a really nice North Face jacket from "her father" and SD was pissed even though she got one too!!!

This year we are getting DD10 and BD4 hamsters. SD15 doesn't get one because she murdered the last 2 that we had!!

I dread the holidays so much!! What the hell is she gonna ask for this year-probably a car!!!

peanut how old are your skids? older children have an idea of what things cost... i had christmas where my bio only got like two things considering the one thing was a laptop computer and the other a foot ball game ticket which he was shocked since he knew the lap top wasnt cheap and he was so grateful and excited to go to a real game.

Soon the big guys will grow up and you won't be buying them anything or just a token meanwhile the younger boy continues to get the "expensive stuff" until he grows up also.

But frankly what I did was just buy token stuff for all of them. Christmas is far too commercialized and I just let my ex-wife smother them with gifts which she loved to do. The big guys have two parents why not let them buy them gifts and you buy the youngone his toy of the year?

Dad is being a dick and over favoring Skids and that is horrible. He is like those men on Maury that accuse the wife of cheating, then find out, he accuses because Gasp, he was the one cheating and was projecting his behavior on to the wife. Same vein, your DH is playing favorites to the Princesses/Princes and your kids better not dare get as many or as costly gifts as the royal children GOD forbid!

Boy I am pissed off at your DH FOR you for that Christmas. That sucked monkey balls big time for him and Skids to act like that. Sounds like he doesn't care much for his younger kid compared to the precious Princesses, and younger son will notice that eventually.

Forget about the number of gifts spend the same money, and which ever kid counts the gifts this year gets half the money spent on them next year. They should be happy they are getting anything at all, kids have no thanks in them anymore!

That's one saving grace for me at Christmas, my SD is totally grateful for all she receives from Santa.

The thought of Christmas morning was one of the determining factors in deciding NOT to move in w/ bf. No freakin way...

We have SD12 Christmas Eve most years. This will be DS's 2nd Christmas and again he will open his gifts Christmas day. So it doesn't matter how many they each have or how much I spend. I don't want to shift his Christmas to Eve just because SD is here then...if that makes any sense. DH agrees.

Good luck

I have not read all the responses, but my skids live with us 100% of the time. They each got the exact same amount of gifts growing up. My son came along years later...they were 7&8 at the time he was born. So of course my infant son did not get equal amount of presents because he did not need them. He knew no different. Now, my son gets more presents in the amount of gifts, but they cost a lot less than what I spend on stepkids. They are teens, so they get to pick their "big gift" (iPhone, iTouch, XBOX, Cowboy boots, Dre Beats, etc.) and then they may get a few smaller gifts. My son still believed in Santa in previous years so that also played into it, he got plenty of gifts.

I have a few friends that only give their kids 3 gifts on Christmas. One big and two small. Their theory is that their kids don't need more gift than Jesus got. I wish I would have implemented something like that earlier on. My husband had guilt that Ss's mother was not around and we both indulged them materialistically.

Hmmm - I've always spent the same (roughly) on all 4 bd's, and had the same number of gifts - exactly. As the older two got more expensive presents I still make sure they have the same number - to the point of buying little $1 things to wrap. Because they may realise the cost etc, but the little ones don't know and THEY still see what their big sisters get and wonder why they get less - if that makes sense.

This year will be the first with my 2 older daughters (23 and 20) my 2 younger ones (will be 10 and 7) and the skids (sd12 and ss9)

We (OH) and I have agreed to keep with my policy - roughly same money, exact same amount of presents. We also did the majority of out xmas shopping together so we know what pretty much we have for the younger 4. We will both add bits and bobs to that for all of them.

IF he were to then behave the way your OH did (OP) I would have let him have it. He would not have been left standing. How disrespectful and rude to you and your bs.

You need to take yourself in hand and talk to him about how it's going to be this year. Lay it out and say YOU have never treated HIS kids unfairly and you never would, but after what happened last christmas you need HIM to set some standards in place so that ALL the kids have a great day -

those rules can be - all have = number of pressies AND = $ value, and each kid opens 1 at a time. That way HIS learn not to be so rude and ungrateful AND they can all see that it is fair. Plus it's just a nicer way to do it...

It took a while for us to figure the whole Xmas thing/Bday thing out too. At first, we tried doing the "same number of gifts" or "spending the same amount on each child" but really none of that worked out. All of our kids want different things so we've started a "new thing" that works for us. They write down 10 items on a list that they really want (has to be reasonable, no cars for example) and we get to choose 5 out of the 10 things they really want. As kids get older things do get more expensive and its really hard to spend the same on each child. So our kids get what they want and then whatever else we decide to get for them on our own not worrying about who has more or less. Our kids just like getting gifts This will be the first Xmas my son will only get ONE item plus clothes. He really wanted just one expensive gift and that's all he cares about. I'm sorry for the whole messed up Xmas' at your home. Don't rush the little one's Xmas openings, big kids are just going to be big kids and your husband needs to lay back and let everyone enjoy it without being rushed. I really hope this year is better for you.

Wow, just wow. What a miserable way to celebrate the birth of Jesus! Shame on all of them for rushing your BS through this special day, someone needs to stand up for your poor BS-he deserves to celebrate Christmas in a slower, more thoughtful way if he wants to, not trampled in the dust by a stampede of greedy little brats.

Agree ahead of time on a dollar sum of money to be spent for each kid, not a quantity. Some gifts cost more than others, so you will get quality, not quantity. That is life. If they want quantity, go to the dollar store and buy them cheap stuff. Also, skids often get several times the loot in Christmas gifts because they have two homes that have Christmas, whereas bios usually only get one.

Your skids are being allowed to run (and ruin Christmas), treating it like a contest that they must win. That behavior and attitude destroys the whole meaning of Christmas and sets impossible, unhappy expectations for the future. DH allowed this-he needs to get a grip on this right F'ing now. He is creating unpleasant, unhappy, greedy, ungrateful, entitled monsters. And your biochild will always remember being treated like a second class citizen by his own parents. Maybe I'd ask him to handle his kids by himself this year, to make sure the dollar amount spent on each of his kids was "fair". Not a number of presents, a set dollar limit for presents. DH and Skids all need to learn some math and some manners!

I also like the idea of celebrating skids Christmas on either the eve or day and celebrating the bios on the other day.