How to Disengage
Without getting into all of the gory details, can someone please help me figure out how to disengage? I have a SD12 whom I've been around since she was 3. I have had enough of the manipulating, running between households and causing problems. I have done everything in my power to be the best stepmother that I can, but I just get sh*t on in return. Therefore I made it very clear to BM that I no longer want to be involved; I literally said "consider me erased". I expressed the same feelings to my DH, thankfully he is 100% in my corner. I do not want anything to do with my SD. Don't call me for rides, to go shopping, I will not be attending school functions, christmas, birthdays, etc...count me out. I have 2 children with DH that I need to focus on, I can no longer allow BM and SD to bring stress into my life. I gave birth to 2 children, they are my priority and focus...any thoughts or ideas??
This is about where I am up
This is about where I am up to. I don't do anything that means EXTRA work for me. If it's something that I am doing for DH and me anyway I will do it. (Cooking and washing then that's okay, but I don't do her ironing)
I have never ever signed forms (even in the early good days), she went without signed forms and learned that she had to take responsibility for them. I don't consider myself either a "parent or guardian" which is the normal wording on forms.
If she needs taking somewhere that is a 'fun' thing - then if DH isn't available she has to get the bus. But if it's something extra for school or to her part time job and DH isn't available then DH has to ask me - not SD.
I've stopped working out what to buy her for christmas and birthdays. I will go and buy stuff once DH has given me a very defined list (that way I keep some control of what is being spent). But i no longer stress about whether it's going to be something she likes or appreciates.
I don't think you need help
I don't think you need help to figure it out - sounds like you have already achieved disengagement! I decline to do the things you mention - like taxi rides, shopping, family outings - I contribute money to the present DH gets them on b'days - I don't enter into conversation with them - just the minimum civilities - hello, goodbye etc. It's easier for me as we only get the SDs EOW.
Does she live with you full
Does she live with you full time?
She does not live with us
She does not live with us full time, my husband has 50/50 physical and legal custody. I used to be the main provider of transportation for her, but I have explained to my husband that I will no longer be doing that. The only person I feel bad for is my husband. He has always been appreciative of my help since he is self employed and his hours vary so much. I know this was cause I huge strain on him, but there is nothing I am willing to do about it. It will be bad enough that I have to be around her when she comes over.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement!! It brought a smile to my face. I am looking forward to my future and the new found freedom that I have created for myself!
Get the book
Get the book Stepmonster
http://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/0618758194
DISENGAGING
To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.
*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.
Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.
So where a skid lives with
So where a skid lives with you full-time, how do you disengage with things that affect the greater household?
I told SS15 today I am disengaging from him because I am (in a nutshell) sick of his BS. he just looked at me with his glazed stupid look he gives and said 'well things won't change much cause you don't do stuff for me anyway' - until I pointed out the washing, shopping for his food for school, organising money for school excursions, checking homework, preparing dinner etc.
But the thing I am unsure about is what about if he does stuff that affects me or my wider household, such as not washing properly so the stink wafting out of his room is unbearable? I know I should tell DH to talk to him about that stuff but he works often so I am the one in the house with SS most of the time. Poor hygeine for me is something I will not tolerate, but should I just tell him to shut his door and wait till DH gets home?