Stepson Snubbed Father's Burial Service
Not really looking for advice (but am open to anyone who wants to comment), just need a sounding board. My DH passed away a few months ago and we had a very nice memorial service. Everyone came...friends, my 2 biokids, his 2 biokids (all adults). His 2 sons do not talk to each other for reasons unknown. The younger one has always had issues with: parents, brother, cousins. There was a big blow up between the brothers when discussions about when to have burial service (I would be driving his ashes to another state for burial). Younger SS decided everyone else was getting special treatment and his schedule was not being considered. Long story short: he decided to not go to his father's burial service because it would mean missing the last day of his family's vacation. His princess wife was a big influence in his decision (I could hear her screeching in the background during one of our phone conversations). Now younger SS sends email wanting to know how the service went and he even sent me Facebook friend request (eventhough he has said in the past he is not interested in it); he also called and left voicemail. I have ignored all contact from him because I do not want to have anything to do with him and his princess wife anymore. IMO, snubbing his father's burial service was unforgivable. I would love to write a letter to both of them telling them exactly how I feel. Or should I just continue ignoring them and hope they go away? My DH would be heartbroken if he knew this was going on. 
Sounds like he feels bad
Sounds like he feels bad about his decision and is trying to make it up to you. I have been where you are. My SIL and MIL behaved very badly at my first husband's wake. So bad, that I had to cut them out of my life for awhile. My therapist and I worked out a sentence to tell them when they called. "I am very upset by what happened and for right now, I need some distance from you."
That worked for about 3 months after. Eventually, I did talk to them and they apologized. We went on to have a good relationship until my MIL died three years later. I even gave the eulogy at her funeral. They did some unforgivable stuff, but I managed to forgive. I have never forgotten it, but I have moved on.
Take some time and distance to grieve and then someday, you can try and forgive him....
Sorry for your loss....There is nothing like it, but it does get better....
I agree with the poster
I agree with the poster above.
First, I am very sorry for your loss.
Responding to the email with very simply- how you feel, and you wish for them to give you some space, and when you are ready, you will contact them.
This younger SS wants relief from the guilt he is feeling and it isn't your responsibility to alleviate it for him. Take the time for yourself and I think your DH would have been proud you are taking care of you.
I agree. You did not have
I agree. You did not have much of a relationsip with SS before the funeral, there should be no reason to connect with him now. He will have to come to terms concerning his feelings for his Father on his own.
I have a different view from
I have a different view from those who say attending a funeral (or a memorial, in my case) is not a big deal. My step daughter refused to attend her father's memorial because it was held at a time when she was very busy. I found it inexcusable. I finally offered to pay for her plane ticket and she came. The others are right when the say that this is just the tip of the iceberg. They are likely to feel they've not inherited enough. I put tremendous effort into planning his memorial, lining up many speakers and arranging for a place and food. Later, his kids had their own memorial, mostly to insure his ex-wife was given a prominent place in the event. They could barely pull off the event, but I forced myself not to help. I thought long and hard about not even attending, but at that point was still trying to have a relationship with them. I no longer try; in fact I don't want them in my life at all. They have made my life a living hell for the last year over inheritance issues. I'm done.
Thank you all for for your
Thank you all for for your feedback. Before my DH passed away we thought we had a good relationship with his son. I truly believe the SS's wife had a big hand in his decision. She has always been big about "family" but only when it was her family. I also believe she is suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. SS was always at odds with people on his side of the family...mom, dad, brother, cousins. He always thought everyone liked his older brother better (shades of the Smothers Brothers!), and she seemed to make matters worse. I'm just going to ignore his attempts to contact me and leave him to wallow in his guilt, which I'm sure he's feeling right now, but once he gets his share of the estate I'll bet he goes away. Thanks again.
The memorial was held 2 weeks
The memorial was held 2 weeks after my DH died; the burial was 2 weeks after that, i.e., one month after he passed away. I did not want to drag it out any longer than that. I did not set the date of the burial, the two SSs did, or so I thought. Because I knew they were both working men, I told them I could be flexible with the date but I did not want to drag it out beyond a month, it was just too painful. Both SSs attended the memorial service, but the younger SS did not attend the burial because it was on the last day of his vacation and that last day was 6 hours of driving back home. It's not like he was going to miss beach time or whatever. He wanted the burial pushed out 2 days beyond that, unfortunately that would have meant none of the other relatives would be able to attend, including the priest. In other words, instead of 20 of DH's family being there, along with a priest, there would have been just me, SIL, and younger SS...that's it. DH's extended family was unable to attend the memorial because they are not well off and traveling would have been a financial burden for them. This was their only chance to pay their respects to their beloved uncle/great-uncle/brother, so it was important to them as well as to me, to have the burial. Younger SS's wife said they actually had a plan in place for him to come to the burial, so why didn't he show up? Yes he can hold it against me that I could not accommodate his schedule, but sorry, it was his father, not some casual acquaintance. If it were my dad, I'd drop everything, no matter where I was at or what I was doing.
An Update...It has been over
An Update...It has been over 3 months since DH died and 1 month since I last heard from SS who skipped out on his dad's burial service. Last week he sent an email demanding I file his father's will with the county so it can be settled. I spoke to our lawyer a week after DH died and she said there was no need to file because all the assets were transferred either by beneficiary designations or deeds/titles. Turns out SS got a copy from the lawyer and called the county about forcing me to file the will. He did all this the week the rest of the family was burying his father's ashes, thus revealing his true colors.
I spoke with our lawyer
I spoke with our lawyer shortly after DH passed away about filing with the court and she said it was not necessary because all assets passed by deed/title or had beneficiary designations. The two SS's got money from life ins policy, what was left of DHs annuity contributions, and a small 401k. I got the house and car. There is a blurb in the will about the SS's getting his tangible personal property, which means clothing, jewelry, tools. Lawyer advised that I don't give tools that I now own and use; I can donate his clothing to Goodwill, and the only jewelry he wore was his wedding band. The lawyer advised him that only the holder of the original will (me) can file. If he wants to fight about it he will have to get a lawyer in this state. He even, stupidly, asked our lawyer to represent him, so that tells you what kind of idiot I'm dealing with. Honestly, if he wants the clothing that bad, I'm perfectly happy with sending him my DH's underwear and socks.
dont ignore him . politely
dont ignore him . politely tell him he would know how his fathers service was if he had given his father the respect and common decency to attend it . and then tell him as far as you are concerned he doesnt deserve to know . he should get the point and leave you alone after that . it is always better to confront a problem than to run from it . it goes away much quicker that way .
I'm sorry for the loss of
I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. Please take care of yourself. If these former skids upset you, you can choose to avoid them. If not permanently, at least until you feel able to cope with them. Really, you don't have to speak to any of them ever again if you don't want to. If you have an attorney, maybe you can tell them to speak with your attorney only, and not to contact you anymore as you are in mourning. Don't friend skids on facebook. If my DH were to pass, I would have nothing further to do with SD41.
Families can do some awful
Families can do some awful things when a loved one passes on. There really is no explanation for how some people react to death. It does not bring out the best in all of us. I truly believe the SS is feeling guilty about not being there at his Dads funeral. But he was too caught up in the drama to make the right decision at the time. He knows he can't take it back and this will haunt him for the rest of his life. I would speak with him and let him know that his decision has truly hurt you and you need time to get over it. But you do need to forgive him. I am sorry for your loss...Isn't it sad that those we need to be able to depned on most of the time cannot be there...Spend your time and energy on the ones that have been there for you. Forgive those that weren't and hope they learn to be better people down the road.
I wrote my comment BEFORE I
I wrote my comment BEFORE I knew the idiot was causing you grief over the will and inheritance... I would say good riddance to him. I would only speak through an attorney. Ask your attorney if you should have your DH clothes delivered. As far as the tools go...they all belong to you...as far as anyone knows....The gold ring - wedding band - I assume...would get lost somewhere in a drawer... I am jus sayin...
I agree that families are
I agree that families are often torn apart by a death. I lost my dad six weeks before I lost my husband. My brother took my mother in to a big house he and his wife had rented and charged her 1/2 of ALL the expenses, including their SUV gas. It was ridiculous. I worked with my mom to get her to be brave enough to tell him she wanted to move back to the senior apartments she lived in with my dad. Meanwhile, my sister became jealous that I was becoming close to my mom and broke off relations with both of us! I think that if there's any dysfunction at all it rears its head when a death occurs. And, needless to say, my step kids made my life miserable for 1 1/2 years after my husband died. We have been through mediation and they want to be "friends." I've told them I need my space from them for as long as it will take to forgive them.