Really hating myself for resenting my husband's children
Most of the posts I've read state that the stepchild is mean/bratty/nasty/filthy, etc. etc, so you can see how they could dislike the skid. My situation is completely different, they don't do anything to really make me not want to be around them, I just don't. I married my husband when he had three small children, and because I never had to deal with their trifling ass mother's (there are 2), I had no resentment. But now that we have a child together, and that I have seen both mother's act an ass (because they never thought he'd be remarried), I've seen my feelings grow from like, to lukewarm, to dislike to actual hate. We keep one son every other weekend, and I know that my resentment stems from his father trying to make us this big happy family. He wants to include me in everything (bless his heart) and I just want them to do their father/son thing and leave me alone. I don't want to go to the movies, watch a movie, go to his games, or anything like that. Is it wrong of me to just want to be "his father's wife"? Now my husband has set up family pictures of ALL the children. First he asked me if I minded if our son was included? I said "Of course not". Now he just called me and said "Hey, would you like to get in the pictures too?". I so badly wanted to say "hell no", but then that would make me a horrible person. My husband is the nicest, warmest and giving man I've ever met and all he wants is to be a good father to his tribe of children and for ME to love his children like my own, because he would do the same for me. How do I wrap myself around that? I know people say "You knew he had these children when you married him", but I didn't know that he would push them on me like this. Like, at one time he wanted me to refer to them as my children, but I don't feel like that at all. They are your children, and I would never cause any harm to them, but I know I will never love them like they are my own. Anyone have any words of encouragement of how I can navigate this situation? :?
Going through almost the same
Going through almost the same situation. SD10 is with us full time now, and its been harder than I can put in words. She is a normal 10 yo girl, she isnt' horrible, but I do not like her. Her voice grates on my nerves, she constant dadd, dadddd, dadddyyy, drives me up the wall. Her jealousy of me and my son when we are around DH is disgusting. Most of these feelings are absolutely normal in these situations. I dont have motherly feelings about her, I dont want to be her mother. She was not in the picture when we got together, but just my luck DH got full custody and now she is with us 100% of the time. Its a huge transition.
Be honest with your DH. Tell him it takes time for these relationships to grow, it takes time to bond with skids. It cannot be forced, it cannot be rushed. It only leads to resentment when you are pushed and pushed to feel and act a certain way that is not comfortable for you. I felt bullied by DH to be this way and that way with SD, and I resented the hell out of her. Once I got it off my chest to him, it helped. Just slow down and let it progress at its own pace.
As for family pic's? Did that too. We did a few of all of us, a few of me and him, then we each did some with our own child. We didnt do just the skids, because they werent comfortable with that (9 year age difference and two different sexes).
You are NOT a bad or horrible
You are NOT a bad or horrible person for feeling that way. Please dont hate yourself or the way that you feel. Those are YOUR feelings and you can feel however you want!!! There are MANY women and men who feel the exact same way as you!!!
I feel the same way. I dont want to see, be around, like, love etc my Fiance's S10. And thankfully my F accepts and respects my feelings and doesnt hold them against me or treat me badly or look at me badly for having those feelings. He knows they are my feelings and there is nothing he can do to change them and he still loves me and wants to be with me no matter what or how I feel towards his kid because we are together for US not for his kid!!!
Pick up the book titled
Pick up the book titled "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. You will be so relieved.
Accept that you are entitled to feel the way that you feel. You do NOT have to love those children like they are your own. You are only responsible for the way that you treat them. Treat them with respect and kindness and know that you are doing right by them. If you can't do it for them, then do it for your husband.
Also, just like we don't fall in love with every single person we meet, it's a ridiculous expectation that we are going to fall in love with a child. I mean, why would we? Because they are a child? That doesn't make any sense. Nah, you fell in love with your husband. Work on trying to build a respectful relationship with his children. If you can make that happen, then you are leaps and bounds ahead of the game. Later, as the years pass - who knows, maybe those feelings of "love" will grow. Maybe not. But if those feelings of "love" don't grow - it does NOT make you a bad or emotionally defunct person. It makes you A PERSON. Nothing more, nothing less.
Seriously, get the book.
(((HUG)))
Ditto what LRP just said
Ditto what LRP just said although I don't know about the book so can't recommend it.
I wonder what LRP stands for (Long Range Patrol as in Army Special Forces? Don't want to meet her in a dark alley).
(No subject)
}:)
Love LPR75's post and just
Love LPR75's post and just reading it made me feel better about me not liking my SO's son. As with any child, he acts differently when his dad is home and when he is not. When he is home, I just want to lock myself in our room or hop in the car and get out for a while. I need to accept my feelings and remember that I do not have to like or love him just because he's my SO's child. I do, however, feel that my SO is feeding into me not liking his son because of how he caters to him all the time. I have 2 kids wth my ex-husband and I certainly do not feel it necessary to do everything for them. Plus that is not teaching them to do things for themselves or how to be independent (which will only cause problems in the future). His son turned 6 a few months back and it wasn't until we moved in together at the beginning of the year that I found out that he still wiped his son's behind after he went to the bathroom - I mean come on now - really?!?!
I feel exactly the same about
I feel exactly the same about ss14yo - don't like him and never will. I simply tolerate him in my life but it is sooooo great to hear these responses - I always feel bad about feeling that way!
We are very similar
We are very similar Conflicted68!
SD12 isn't horribly bad or anything. She is super possessive, whiny and immature, but so are many 12 yr olds.
DH is coddling and a bit Disney which pisses me off to no end. I was a very independent kid and had parents that encouraged it. This kid is seriously lacking in any form of independence.
I don't want her around. We only have EOW, but they are anxiety ridden and DH and I are on eggshells after. He says he is on my side, then in the next breath tells me I'm cold. His kid has vocalized she doesn't like me and all I did was tell him about the comment I heard... It turned into a pretty ugly back and forth of, well, 'What do I expect? Warm and fuzzy when you are so cold to her?' How the hell can you be affectionate or even want to be around a kid who doesn't like you?
Everything about her gets him defensive and when I step back?? Then I'm cold. I can't win and I'm over it...
I encourage them to spend time together, then I get accused of ignoring her. I spent a little time with them, but its NEVER good enough. SD is unsure of herself and there has been a lot of change. I'm not pressuring etc.. I want her to feel secure with her relationship with her father, so I'm not always around. This has turned into blame (of me) that we are not bonding.
I can't bond with someone who doesn't want to bond with me. I have never begrudged time he wants to see her- I just don't want to be apart of it. Why can't that be enough?