Step Mom to Be - Where are the Bounderies for my husband and his Ex wife?
So I have fallen in love and am about to marry the man of my dream!
Never did I imgine this man would have 3 kids - well he does and they are great!
We love our time together. Twin 12 year olds and a 9 year old. We have a blast.
My fiance has been divorced for over 7 years now. Myself 5 with no kids.
It took y family a liitle time to adjust to this but are so very happy for me now and we can't wait for the marraige celebration!
When I met my FH he told me his ex wife lives close. That he is with his kids 1/2 custody although legally he only has 2 day on 4 days off (police officer) with them. SO he is greatful for his time. She doesnt have a family at all and spends many Holidays with his family. Now I am a reasonable person and felt no problem with this. I had not met his family at this time but geese if they are so kind to keep his ex wife around they must all be geat people. ....And they are. The problem I am having is that his ex isn't exactly kind to me. It has been 8 months since she met me knowing i was moving in with her EX and she has only acted poorly ..but nothing major at the same time. Like my FH asks I sit with his family includingg her at sporting events for his kids. Sometimes its awkward but I always do even if it is just her and the kids. That is what he would do. But when she shows up she walks by makes a face at me, sais a 1/2 hi and walks by with the kids in tow. So. I am alone all game and my FH parents sit with her since she has their grandkids with her. As well She verbally has expressed to my FH that this is hard for her and she needs time. Yet I have not been around his family once with her there so she refuses to take space. Its so uncomfortable and his siblings tell me. Yet they also tell me how close they are with her and how much they love her. Always like I think we dont talk about much else. His family tells me to give her time and dont realize this actually hurts my feelings. She is his ex! I am marrying him! His ex has never dated anyone all these years and just recently we all went on a "family" vacation together where she was not only invited but asked to be in the family picture.
My FH was mortified. The vacation was one thing being planned a year prior and before our engagement but her to be in the family picture without asking him....
Anyway.. Recently what has inspired me to write this is in passing in our kitchen my FH sais. "---'s neighbors just told me she said I am the best ex husband ever. Better than when we were married" I asked what? do tell more? and he went on to tell me how he sent someone over to her house to patch her driveway because they were in the neighborhood and it was a great price. They did her neighbors driveway too.
I feel silly saying I am upset but.. he always complains we have no time to take care of our house. so I said why would you do that? that has nothing to do with the kids? and his response was that the driveway was cracked and she would eventually have to pay which would take away from the kids.
Am I wrong. He could basically twist anything to do with her or her house to be about the kids then? He has never done anything that I know of before? I mean she paid for it but he lined it all up calling her ect.. now is basking in the light of the neighbors revealing her being pleased. WTF am I the other wife or his to be wife.
I am starting to feel like he is somehow encouraging her to stick around. She has no reason to start a new life when he is taking care of her.
Should I beware.
Sorry re reading it I ment to
Sorry re reading it I ment to say I have NEVER been around his family without her in the room. Only quick hello.
And also we have never said more than hello or goodbye with her she is completely disinterested in me.
I would. And I would not get
I would. And I would not get married until I was 100% comfortable and boundaries are drawn. I'm not telling you to break up just wait on the marriage until you are comfortable with it being forever. Sounds like he is still trying to play husband. As for the vacation and picture. Oh honey, no, no, no, no. NO! Do not ever let your husband let that happen again. I understand civility but that is not. That is trying to hold onto the past. You deserve a family that does not include her. If you are okay with her being at Holidays, mighty big of you seeing as how she doesn't have any family. But your personal vacations? No. That is where you draw the line. And tell him she is a big girl, she needs to pull up her big girl panties and start taking care of her own home. My DH was still paying all of the bills at BM's house because "he was concerned about his kids". She was bringing home 2300 a month from her job, plus receiving SD's $700 disability check, plus living with three other working adults and was not paying her rent, power, anything. She wasn't even buying toothpaste yet had new name brand clothing and accessories every time we made the skid switch. Oh and not to mention she could afford her drugs and booze. I had to put my foot down and point out to DH that it was not about his kids, it was about taking care of her. He honestly didn't even realize it. I told him, if it were about concern for your kids, you would take them out of the neglectful environment, NOT support her in neglecting them. He saw it my way and quit paying her bills and two months later she signed off her rights to the children at a UPS store still drunk and high from the night before. I know my situation is a bit different from yours but he is getting a type of satisfaction out of still providing for HER, not the children, and that is disrespectful to you. His providing needs to only be for you and his children. You are his wife now, and unless he is mormon, he cannot play husband to more than one.
PS.... Plus, the longer the
PS....
Plus, the longer the engagement the more time and money to plan an even more EPIC wedding when boundaries have been drawn.
The man of your dreams is
The man of your dreams is still in someone elses reality. And the inner voice telling you to beware is truth knocking on your door.
He is not free to marry you and his family will always put her first. If you can be happy being 2nd or 3rd in the whole Sister-wife thing then get married. Or find out how soon being with the man of your dreams become a living nightmare. When someone starts a post with a big explanation about how much they love their FH and how wonderful he is etc I really wonder who are you trying to convince? Yourself or us?
She needs 'time'? Why did they divorce in the first place?
Wow, I wouldn't touch this
Wow, I wouldn't touch this situation with a 100 ft pole
It's obvious this woman will continue for quite a while to be in your lives and his family seems to adore her over you, so that's what you're resigning yourself to...I myself could not do it.
Good luck with that one honey, you're gonna need it!
~Mel
Run away sweetie... far far
Run away sweetie... far far away...
Seriously- it is far too familiar. The ex doesn't sound like an ex... Have you voiced your opinions at all? Or just putting up and shutting up?
Have a frank discussion and lay it all out on the table. A few posters on here have given me that advice, and it turns out that I don't give my DH enough credit sometimes. he may just surprise you and if he turns out to defend the EX? Well- then you are not the one surprised.
Years ago my MIL went to the hospital when Snaggletooth had her 2nd baby. (Different daddy, not my DH) At the time, I wasn't part of the family enough to be upset- DH and I had only been dating 8-9 months. It still makes me crazy to this day.
Okay. They have been divorced
Okay. They have been divorced for over 7 years and yet she still injects herself in to HIS life and HIS family's life?? Something majorly wrong here, and the fact that you are questioning it, tells me that you already have the answer to your question.
It looks as if he's already married and you will become, (if you aren't already) the 'other woman.' Are you comfortable in that role? I honestly don't know many women who would be. I know I wasn't... and as bad as my situation was, yours would be a complete deal breaker to me. Family vacations? Holidays? Etc. That is too damn close for comfort. You're right, he will keep twisting it up in an effort to make it acceptable to you. Is it? Have you told him that your are uncomfortable with the current situation? If so, what was his reaction. BTW, she (Ex) treats you the way she does b/c believe it or not, you are knee deep in a pissing contest with a woman who still has designes on YOUR fiance. She refuses to move on b/c nobody expects her to. Mentally unhealthy is an understatement here. Be aware that he will cater to his children above you as well. Trust me on that one. Is this a life you envision living? If you have even one inclination that this situation is creepy, put the wedding on hold and get him to a therapist NOW! Knowing exactly where you stand from the beginning will save a whole lot of heartbreak later, if you should find out that while HE is your priority, YOU are merely HIS option.
Best of luck to you.
I have been both the new wife
I have been both the new wife and an ex-wife, been in yours and your FH's ex-wife's shoes. Neither is easy. Cut her some slack. It is not a picnic in the park to see your ex happy with another woman even if you were the one who initiated divorce ( i was). it is pretty intimidating to be a single mom to 3 kids. Make friends with her, invite her to have lunch with you, talk to her about the kids and how much you love them. It is very hard to hate people who love our kids. You will establish your own boundaries gradually, or redefine the ones that exist now. They are too loosey-goosey. But i do not see any huge problem in your in-laws being on good terms with all DILs, past and present. In my case, I adore my ex-MIL and take my kids to see her, and she gets along great with my ex's 3 wives ( two former wives, one current). We do not vacation together however.
When the ex starts dating someone seriously things will likely calm down.
RUN....I wish someone had
RUN....I wish someone had told me the problems I was getting into. That being said, get out while tbe getting is good