Household Finances
I am trying to come up with a new plan as far as how to handle the household finances, and I was wondering how others do it? DH and I have been living together for 2 years and things are a mess. Some of you may have seen my other post about how he doesn’t make enough money to pay his share of the bills (which I believe should be 50% or even more since his kid lives with us 50% of the time). I do make more money than DH, but that’s because I busted my butt to get to where I am in my career, and he chose to take the easy road. Anyway, I always thought bills should be split 50/50, but then I was watching Suze Orman the other day and she said it should be based on income (so a certain % of your income is what you pay- so in our case, I would pay more than DH). Do you think this is fair? I just feel like he chose the life he has, just like I chose mine. I chose to go to school and have a career; he chose not to. Why should I have to make up for what he can’t pay when he made those decisions? Also, his kid lives with us 50% of the time so I have that to deal with as well. I’m pretty sure Suze Orman was speaking generally and not taking into account all the SM issues that we have to face!
Well, I've seen responses on
Well, I've seen responses on here that read:
Income shares when DH makes more.
50/50 when DW makes more.
Go figure.
If there's a big income disparity, I think income share is much more fair.
See that is kind of where I
See that is kind of where I am having the issue. My DH does NOT work full time. I have done everything in my power to motivate him to get a full time/better paying job (I made him a resume, I constantly am online looking for jobs he can apply for, I even offered to pay for him to take an automotive certification class because there are TONS of automotive job postings in our area), but he refuses to put forth any effort. THIS is why I don't feel like he should be rewarded by having to pay less. In addition to that, yes I make more money but I also have a massive student loan payment and he has no bills outside of household bills (well, he does.. he just doesn't pay them). So.. it's just a mess.
You're right, we have
You're right, we have completely different ambition levels. To be honest, I don't really remember how we came up with the $200/week that he would pay before we moved in together. That was 2 years ago. I guess we just estimated what our bills would be. Well $200/week is definitely not 50%. I have gotten all the bills together and added it up and he is way off. He just keeps insisting $200/week is half but it's NOT. He acts like I have all this extra money because I make more, but with that student loan payment, I really don't have any extra to make up for what he doesn't put in.
You're totally right. You
You're totally right. You choose to be motivated and your reward for being motivated is to get stuck with more bills. Especially when it's a choice, it just doesn't seem right for you to have to support someone else's child if the bioparents are choosing to pay less than 50%.
He has HORRIBLE money
He has HORRIBLE money management skills. We can't even buy a house together because his credit is shot. You are right, he has a real entitlement attitude.
Oh yeah, I don't think we
Oh yeah, I don't think we will EVER have a joint account! What we do now is we have a set amount that he is supposed to pay me each week. The reason I am looking into different ways of doing things is that he has not been paying me what we agreed on (which is only $200/week if you are wondering). So he already pays less than half. I am the one who actually makes the payments so whatever he does not pay, I have to make up for. I am building up a LOT of resentment here.
Yup, last week he gave me
Yup, last week he gave me $120. What the heck am I supposed to do with that, honestly??
Yeah, we fight over money
Yeah, we fight over money constantly. He thinks I'm "just trying to argue." It's not like I expect him to go get a college degree- the automotive class I mentioned is only 2 nights a week (3 hours per night) for 6 months. I even said I would pay for it and watch his kid while he's in class and he STILL refused to go. Why, you ask? Because he "doesn't want to do automotive."
I ask him well then what do you want to do? He says he doesn't know.. it's just a cycle. You're right, our problems are bigger than how to split these bills.
Some people have told me the
Some people have told me the only way to make him want to make more money is to make him realize he doesn’t make enough- so stop picking up the slack for him. The problem is, to what extent do I do this? Do I let our rent not be paid? Do I let our electric be shut off? It’s so hard!
I agree with income shares. I
I agree with income shares. I think if you choose a partner who makes less than you but you want a lifestyle that shows your success, you have to take on that extra expense. That said, I think if you have to get a bigger place because he has a kid, that should be considered, as well. I'm not sure I have a great way to weight that, but I guess I would take the monthly bills divide by square footage, take the kid's room's square footage times the bill and add that to whatever the income shares amount is on bf's end.
Life isn't 50/50.
That said, you're bf isn't willing to try. He doesn't need an education. He doesn't need to want to go back to school. He does need to work full-time. That is my opinion. You're enabling him to be shitty. If he didn't pay the agreed upon amount, he'd be out on his ass.
I see your point. I guess I
I see your point. I guess I am enabling him. I just don’t know what else to do because I have done everything I can think of. I have even filled out job applications for him.
Well you can't let rent or
Well you can't let rent or electric slide, but you can turn off the cable, stop buying any food for him and his kid, etc.
Consider this: i have once
Consider this: i have once heard a social worker tell me that in her profession the rule of thumb is, you should not be doing more for the client than the client is willing to do for himself. You are his social worker, filling out applications, writing his resume, finding classes for him to take - which is ok, as long as he is willing to put in the same effort. But he is not... you know you have vastly different ambitions/energy levels. it is inevitable that you are going to be very resentful.
Well, you could leave him and
Well, you could leave him and then pay alimony
Does $800 a month include housing?
Exactly. I feel like if I
Exactly. I feel like if I leave him, I will have to continue to do the very thing that I left him for..
Yes, the $800 a month he is supposed to pay is for everything (however, it does not actually pay for half of all these things).
-rent
-electric
-cable
-water
-gas
-cell phone
-car insurance
-groceries
Yup. If you took your
Yup.
If you took your income, subtracted the student loan payment (the "cost" of earning your living) and THEN do income shares, is $800 a month close to what he should pay?
I think income shares after the loan payment is deducted from your income makes the most sense, personally.
Well if he were actually
Well if he were actually paying the $200 a week that we agreed on, I wouldn't have as much of an issue lol. I will have to sit down with all the bills and figure out exactly how to do the income shares and see if that would work better. But the student loan payment would definitely have to be taken into account because I don't think it's fair for me to pay that plus pay more for everything else because like you said, that is the cost of earning my living.
Well than I guess we're good.
Well than I guess we're good. I make more, therefore I pay more. Ok, so I won't complain about it because it seems that's the right way to do it. Oh well...
That's how I feel!! I don't
That's how I feel!! I don't think I'm asking too much at all! Just because he had this job when we got together doesn't mean I should never expect him to want to do better (in my opinion). I mean when we first got together, I didn't have the job I have now- I made almost half what I make now- but since then, I went back to school and got a Master's degree and almost doubled my salary. Now I'm not saying he should go get a college degree- that's expensive & will take years to make any difference- but the program I tried to put him through is only 6 months long AND I was going to pay for it! Why would anyone say no to that??
Geraldine, that is great
Geraldine, that is great advice- thank you!
Does your guy pay child
Does your guy pay child support for skid? If he does, then that's part of the money problem right there.
No, he doesn't pay any child
No, he doesn't pay any child support. They have 50/50 custody.
^ AMEN!!!! (((HUG)))
^ AMEN!!!!
(((HUG)))
I believe 50% is fair
I believe 50% is fair "provided that his share is NOT more than what he paid while living alone."
If his rent/ mortgage was 600USD before, then you should NOT expect him to pay more than 600USD for rent while living with you. If you make more, odds are you live much better and thus might want to live in a 2k per month rent/mortgage place. That is due to your hugher income/expectations and he should not have to pay the difference. He should pay AT LEAST 600USD he paid before or less if 50% is less.
I hate to even say this, but
I hate to even say this, but he lived with his mom before we moved in together so he didn't pay anything. Prior to that though, he had a house with BM (they weren't married). I have no idea how much their payment was, but I know he paid all of it because she didn't (and still doesn't) work.
Also, please don't misunderstand- I don't live this fancy life & expect him to pay for it- we rent a 2 bedroom townhouse for $1000 a month because this is all he can afford. We can't buy a house together because he has horrible credit. Yes, I want better- but no, I do not have it.
Exactly. So you end up paying
Exactly. So you end up paying him anyway when the reason you left is because you were tired of supporting his (or her!) lazy behind! SMH
Thanks for the advice. I know
Thanks for the advice. I know I am enabling him by making up for what he is not putting in, and also for paying for the extras- every time we go out, I pay. I would love to be taken out on a date, but I guess I just suck it up and take HIM out because if I don’t pay, we don’t go out.. know what I mean? & we don’t go out that often.. usually just once every other weekend when we don’t have SD. I do pay for us all to go out & do things too, because it’s better than sitting in the house with SD all day (for example, this Saturday we are going to a little circus by our house- I already bought the tickets). But it is starting to make me very resentful. I’m starting to feel like the only option I have left is to give him a set amount of time and then move out. I mean I have already tried everything else. I have threatened to leave several times before and he must not have believed me because he didn’t change anything. I like your idea about getting together all the bills and showing him exactly what he needs to contribute.
Just a side note, if he actually worked a real job but just wasn’t making all that much money- like a teacher, for example- I would not be this way with him. It’s the laziness that is getting me.
Can you start transferring
Can you start transferring some of the utility accounts over into his name? That way, when they aren't getting paid in full, it effects his credit and not yours? That way, you can control how much you contribute....
You know what? I am really sorry you are going through this. I once took in a man-child who wanted a free-ride from a single mom. It took me a few months to catch on, but once I did, I kicked his ass out. It was a lesson I will NEVER forget.
I don't know how invested you are into this relationship, but honestly girl, if you choose to stay in it - then you are definitely choosing to support him and to allow him to treat you that way. It's time to figure out what type of life YOU want to live and what type of man YOU want to have in your life.
If you were my friend, I would strongly, strongly, STRONGLY encourage you to get his lazy, mooching, life sucking, bull shit excuse having, free loading, immature, no money having, man-child ass and his demon spawn OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!
Been there, done that. Never again.
LOL! Your response made me
LOL! Your response made me laugh but you are so right! He has no legitimate reason for not working and paying his share. I have tried EVERYTHING to get him to start pulling his own weight- I think I mentioned them in my post, but I have made him a resume, I have submitted job apps for him, I have volunteered to pay for a certification course and watch his spawn while he goes to class.. I have showed him the bills.. I got him a checking account in my name in an attempt to get him to keep better track of his finances (thought it would be easier than using cash for everything).. I have even threatened to move out & leave him.. Nothing works with this guy. I have no idea why he is content with not pulling his own weight and being a man, and yes I knew what job he had when I got together with him but for God sakes, I had no idea he had no intention of EVER doing better! I am at a loss for what to do.
Please reflect on the past
Please reflect on the past and note what YOU have done for him. Now, reflect on what HE has done for himself.
Hun, you already have your answer. You just don't like the answer and what you are going to have to do, so you are beating a dead horse hoping YOU can make this work with no help from HIM.
Girl, he's a man-child. Get him out of your house - right now.
Seriously, if you were my friend, I would be standing on your front porch RIGHT NOW with some boxes and bubble wrap to help you pack his shit up. For real. I am not kidding. Every single fiber in my being is screaming!!!!!
If he hasn't stepped up to the plate by now, he never will. He is perfectly fine with sponging off of you and making YOU struggle and financially destroying YOU while YOU support HIM. Think about what this really means about the kind of man he is.
Oh girl, I wish we were friends for real, I would totally be there to help you dig yourself out of this one.
(((HUG)))
He has done absolutely
He has done absolutely nothing for himself, which I think is pathetic. You’re right, I am just hoping one of these times I bring it up, he will actually listen and do something about it. But it probably isn’t going to happen if it hasn’t already. Well this Monday is the deadline to register for that automotive class I tried to put him through, so we will find out.
"I have no idea why he is
"I have no idea why he is content with not pulling his own weight and being a man..."
Sure you do. Why would he when he has you to do it for him? And if it isn't you, it will be some other poor woman he has suckered into it. He is never going to step up to be a man as long as there are desperate women out there to take advantage of.
Faced with your exact
Faced with your exact situation I paid my girlfriend a flat monthly fee much as a renter of a room with bathroom/kitchen privledges would pay. In 1976 this was $300 a month if I remember right. She was buying a small condo at the time.
However I did pay to take her and her kids out for a meal once a week and of course date type stuff, movies etc. I didn't want to get involved financially in the kids lives. They had two parents to do that.
I don't blame you for not
I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved financially. I made that mistake early on and now it seems like it's expected for me to buy SD stuff. I don't even have any kids of my own.
I have brought the bills to
I have brought the bills to him on numerous occasions and told him the exact amount he has to pay. I have left and went to stay with my mom a few times, but I came back because, well, it’s my house. I know what common sense tells me to do- stop putting up with this crap & leave- but I don’t want to be divorced.. & I just think this issue is something he can actually CHANGE- we don’t have issues with cheating or anything else that is (to me) unforgivable.. he CAN choose to get a better job.. but he doesn’t and I have no idea why. I guess it’s because he’s comfortable. Like today, his boss asked him if he could work tonight (he normally only works days) and he said no. I asked him why he did that when he needs the money, and he said because “it’s a bs job.” Those were his exact words. I just don’t know how to get through to him. I think you guys are right though- I may not be able to get him to do better. I may just have to decide when I have had enough.
Were his work habits this
Were his work habits this sketchy when you were first dating him?
When I first started dating
When I first started dating him, he was working at the same place he is working now doing the exact same thing. So yes, they were. He always talked about how it was just temporary until something better came along, blah blah blah. I guess the reason I believed him is because I myself was working in a lower paying job at the time but that is because I was in school. I have since (in the last 3 years) doubled my salary and he has done nothing. So yes he was like that when we got together, but I never expected that he had no plans on ever doing better.
I have not read all the
I have not read all the responses to this but here is my theory. Rent is not based on income, utilities are not based on income, food costs are not based on income. Is your rent/mortgage cheaper because your husband makes less? No. I super duper dislike the mentality that because you make more, you should pay more to pick up the slack of others. Super dislike.
I would like to have DH’s
I would like to have DH’s paychecks deposited into an account that I can pay bills from but he would never go for that. He does have his check deposited into his personal checking account, but the problem with his job is that he doesn’t have a set amount of hours each week so the amount he gets paid varies a LOT. So he basically just gives me whatever amount he feels like giving me and expects that to be enough. He actually said to me today that he doesn’t understand how I think I am paying more than him, that he is not seeing it… I have added up all the bills time and time again and divide the number by 2 and showed it to him, but for some reason it is not registering with him.. Not only do I pay more for our household bills, I also have to pay for everything else we do but that’s another story.