How do I explain this to bs3 to spare him as much hurt as possible?
My bs3 loves his half brother and sister. He wants to play with them and spend time with them. They however, particuarly Sd9, want nothing to do with him. He will ask to play what they are playing, always told no very harshly. He will ask them to play a game with him, always told no. They have been back from their summer away for over two weeks now and SS has played with him for a total of 10 minutes and SD hasn't spent a single minute with him.
There is no open hositlity like they hate him or anything, but they can't be bothered to any time from their own day to spend tks with him. They just seem very selfish. BS will ask them to play in the morning and they have no shame in telling him that they aren't going to play with him today. Like all day is off limits. They even tell him that he can't watch the tv/computer screen when they are using it.
SS is generally nice when he says no, but SD can be really nasty. He was really upset this weekend because she was teasing him by calling him a baby (silly to us, but to a three yr old its really upsetting). He gets really sad and cries about it a lot. He will frequently be mad at SD, and says that she is mean but he forgets about it in a day and wants to spend time with her again only to get slighted again.
Part of me wants to tell him that they are mean and to just stay away from them so they stop hurting him. But I know that 'sibling alienation' wouldn't be good for him in the long run. But I can't stand to see them continually upset him by being so callous. How do I explain to him why they so mean and never play with him?
I know older kids don't want to always play with younger kids, but he is their brother. I am afraid that the constant rejection is going to start affecting his self esteem. How do I answer him when he asks why they don't want to play with him, or why they are mean to him? I usually just tell him that I will play with him, and try to distract him. But as he's getting older its coming up everyday now, and a lot of times he is in tears that "no one" will play with him.
I haven't ran into this with
I haven't ran into this with my kids vs SO's but my DS went through it at school he desperately wants everyone to like him, be his friend, and play with him. Some kids just wouldn't and they were mean about it. It really hurt his feelings. So I told him "sweetie kids are mean sometimes they are the meanest people because they don't know how to express all the feelings yet so when they don't want to play or be your friend they are extra mean so they hope you won't keep bothering them. That doesn't make you a bad person just we're not going to always make everyone our friend."
Hope it helps, it might be a little more than a 3 year old needs or understands but can maybe help point you in the right direction.
Yeah, I don't think he will
Yeah, I don't think he will grasp all that. But even still, telling a kid that not EVERYONE at school will be your friend is different than your brother and sister who live with you want nothing to do with you.
If this was a school playground issue i would instruct him to find someone new to play with.... I can't tell him to find a new brother and sister.
I'm at a loss .. my skids
I'm at a loss .. my skids love to play with each other, but we don't have any bios in the mix.
Is it possible to dedicate some time for play dates with BS? So he can be around kids who want to play and be friends? I know they can't replace his siblings, but at least it may help counteract the self-esteem blows he's getting from them.
He goes to daycare/ Jr
He goes to daycare/ Jr preschool during the day, so he does play with other kids.
It just kills me when I hear him ask can I play with you? and he gets the answer, no, not today, maybe tomorrow.
Really? They can't spend ten friggin minutes with him?
What does DH say about it? I
What does DH say about it? I would think if the skids are doing something age-appropriate for themselves, but not for BS, then there isn't much you can do. I think you recognize that.
However, if they're just looking at a computer screen, or TV, and refusing to let BS see/watch, then they're just being rude for the sake of being rude. THAT I would not tolerate.
We teach our skids to share/be nice from a very young age .. why should they be allowed to disregard that just because it's a younger sibling?
Also, to some degree, it's just kids being kids. My oldest sister is 16 years older than me. We had NOTHING in common when I was a kid and had no real relationship at all. My brother is 5 years older; and he pretty much tormented the crap out of my whole childhood .. but we're extremely close now.
Dh just ignores it... Or he
Dh just ignores it... Or he doesn't care, not really sure which
But he has the attitude that the skids rule the roost. When BS was talking about SD teasing him last weekend Dh just told BS to stop talking about that it was over and done with. Nothing said to SD for being mean, no appology, no validation from eh about Bs's feelings. When I told BS that the next time SD calls him names to come tell me, Dh got mad saying that that will just encouage Bs to keep complaining. I countered with that he was just encouraging her to keep being a jerk. So he was perfectly ok with SD teasing him.
It really is a tough
It really is a tough situation. I remember when I was a kid, I would tell my parents when my brother was being mean to me. It rarely resulted in anything. They used to tell us all to "work together to work it out" unless someone was legitimately injured (another common response was "if it's not broken, bleeding, or on fire, I don't want to hear about it") LOL.
Obviously, different times, different situations.
I think to some degree the "rejection" lessons BS will learn in this situation are valuable. I don't believe it's okay to allow the skids to torment and tease excessively (to some degree, kids will always do it). You certainly don't want to send the message that it's okay and create bullies ..
Have you tried having a heart to heart conversation about this with DH? If you make it clear to him that it's a very big issue for you, will he listen?
I let the skids work things
I let the skids work things out between themselves, until it gets physical or nasty. But its hardly a level playing field between a ten year old and a three year old to let them work it out.
I think it's pretty normal
I think it's pretty normal for "big kids" not to want to play with a 3 year old. It's also very common for the younger siblings to idolize the older ones and drive them nuts.
I wouldn't force interactions, but I'd also recognize that this isn't a "step" thing necessarily. It's a "kid" thing.
As they get older, though, they may get along better. My older ones were super annoyed with my younger ones for years, and now that they are all teens or older, then play and goof around and get along great.
Yeah, I realize that its
Yeah, I realize that its partly a sibling thing, and not just a step issue. But I think this total and complete disregard for him is more than the usual. I was annoyed with my little brother too, but I didn't try to completely exclude him from the family either.
I've never forced them to play with him, and I get that some things aren't ment for a little kid to play. But when it gets to the point that they don't let him watch the same screen as them, and never include him, that's going too far.
But whether its a step issue or a sibling issue... Or a combination of the two.... My son shouldn't have to feel like an outsider in his own family.
Wow. I really do not know how
Wow. I really do not know how to answer that. I was extremely callous with my half siblings, too. I wanted nothing to do with the kids who "replaced me". Kid logic, ya know. Now that I'm on the other side of the step fence (and more grown up), I feel so bad for your little guy. That's really sad. I probably made my mom's new kids feel the same way.
This past weekend I really
This past weekend I really found myself fighting the urge to just say that brother and sister are just mean and that he should stay away from them.
He kept bringing up that SD called him a baby over and over....why did she say that? Why is she being mean to me? Ect ect. It took eveyhting I had to not say "because she's a complete asshole who only think about herself"
I really just don't know how to answer him to make it clear that its not his fault but without alienating him from how siblings.
I'm sure age gap has more to
I'm sure age gap has more to do with it than anything. I've heard that as far a birth order goes, once there's a 7 year gap between siblings, it's the same as being an only child.
So what do I say to BS?
So what do I say to BS?
I have to agree on an age
I have to agree on an age thing. My bios are 15 and 11 and skids are 5 and 7. My 15yo wants NO part of the skids, he is in his room and does his thing when he is home. The 11yo will play with them when she is around, but also bails pretty quick when her friends call. I would try explaining to bs that they are just older.
When my son is 6 and the baby
When my son is 6 and the baby is three, I would still expect my older son to interact with his brother and spend time with him. Not all day everyday, but I wouldn't allow him to treat his little brother like this.
Just because he is younger does not.mean that he isn't entitled to respect.
I haven't read all of your
I haven't read all of your replies, but I have been in a similar situation. My SD12 is very mean to my bios. She has harmed them physically and calls them names, tells them things to make them cry. She will confuse them and act like they are the best thing since sliced bread when her friends are around, and then push them away when no one is watching. She has RAD, but my kids don't understand that.
After seeing mostly BD4 get hurt emotionally over and over again, we have had some "serious" talks about SD. BD will say "SD is nice today" and then later say "SD is mean to me". We have talked about her feelings and talked about how the things SD does is not nice. At times when SD was emotionally hurting BD over and over in the same day, I have suggested that BD stay away from her since she kept hurting her. I try not to let BD be around SD at all anymore, and if she must be around her, I try to monitor every single thing that goes on and that is said, so I know when to pull BD away. I don't have to worry much with BS2 because he is much less forgiving than BD...he hates SD's guts!
I do believe that a young child's self esteem can be hurt when their siblings don't seem to "want" them. Kid's think everything is their fault and will wonder what they did wrong. That is what I am trying to avoid with BD.
P.S. I don't think it is just an age thing. I am 11 and 13 years older than my little sisters and I love them to death, always have. My days revolved around playing with my sisters. I have had a motherly bond with them as I helped my mom in every aspect of raising them.