Stepson and his pregnant girlfriend
Found out a few days ago through hacking SS's facebook account that he and his girlfriend have gotten pregnant. They are both still in H.S., though SS is 18 and the girlfriend is 17. They have no job's, diploma's or driver's license. When confronted about the situation, he initially lied...lied...then finally admitted it. Apparently everyone in the girlfriends' family knew about the pregnancy, my stepson did not warrant us important enough for this info. BM,BF and the rest of us are disgusted by the fact that this was a PLANNED pregnancy and they want to get married. Yeah.
SS's BM and my husband decided it was best to ship his butt to another state to live with his grandmother and finish H.S. out there. His plane actually leaves tomorrow at 3pm.
The day after BF and I confronted him, SS tells us his girlfriend had a miscarraige. Something smelled fishy to me so I (yep, I am a very nosey stepmom)logged into his email account and found that the day after the supposed miscariage, the girlfriend emailed a pic of an ultrasound.
Now some fact checking...SS said they had unprotected sex on July 25th and that they baby was going to be due on May 4th 2013. The ultrasound sent in the email is not a couple weeks old. Period. I have had three kids myself and believe me when I say that ultrasound has to date a pregnancy at 7-10 weeks.
She is either a nutbag and lied anout being pregnant, sending a random picture or maybe he is lying to BF, BM and myself in order to stay at home. The girlfriend's mother has made an offer to let my SS live with her. How very white trash of her.
There have been other issues with my SS(i.e. getting a job, H.S. GPA 1.8 etc.) He does not engage in drugs or alcohol.
I would love to see him gone, even from a values standpoint as my kids are ages 8, 6 and 4...his half brothers and sister. If they are still pregnant then this would be the BM and BF/s grandkid. My husband's grandkid. As much as I HATE them for this situation, I do not want to be the b**ch and foresake a baby that needs help. I did stress that adoption in matters such as this were the BEST option for everyone. The baby goes to a loving home where his/her needs and wants are met and the SS/girlfriend can growup to become parents much later in life.
Please, I need some straigh-up, no nonsense advice. Am I stupid to kick him out or do I need a smack upside my head?
From a Step Mom in Maryland
:?
First, if she is pregnant and
First, if she is pregnant and it is your SS's baby, then he needs to be responsible about it and help support the child and be a father. That is, if adoption is out of the question. Obviously moving in with her family is not the BEST plan, but it is better than him abandoning his child. I am not so sure that him moving away is the best answer if she is still pregnant (or ever was for that matter).
If she miscarried then he SHOULD move away, to get away from her. So, if that is what he is saying, I would maintain that he is moving in with g-ma. He is 18, so I am not sure how much you can enforce THAT. I would explain to him, that his GF is a MINOR and that he could very well go to jail over something like this (at least in my state :? )
If this little girl made up the whole pregnancy, I would do everything in my power to encourage him to end the relationship. She is a BM in the making... man trapper. Very scary.
Good advise, thank you. My
Good advise, thank you. My problem is that he refuses to get a job (always says he is turning in applications when I know for a fact that he is not) and he is living with me and his dad and my three young kids.
I have extreme serious doubts to his ability to support a baby emotionally and finacially and my husband (his dad) absolutely does not want, and cannot, support him much longer. My stepson should have graduated with the class of 2012. In this state, in order to graduate, one needs to pass 4 basic tests in biology, math, engligh and govt. After taking the tests over a dozen times, he has only recently passed two of them.
Even knowing his girlfriend was pregnant, he did not get a job. If there is a baby still, I want this baby to be a part of the family, just have a problem supporting a deadbeat.
We cannot forbid him to do anything as he is 18, all my husband and I can do is stop supporting him by not paying for cell phone, extra clothes, "fun" money. But we have already done that and have nothing left.
Wow, I can so relate. My
Wow, I can so relate. My DH's son is 20, and 2 months ago, informed DH that he had gotten his minor girlfriend pregnant. She is 17. Like your SS, DH's son refuses to work. He has been sitting on his ass for 2 years since he graduated. All he does is play video games, sleep and eat. Unbelievably (to me) the gf's mom allowed him to move in and sleep in her daughters bed (he was 19, she was 16). She pays for his food, cell, clothes. He and the gf are INCREDIBLY immature. He has no driver's license, no car, nothing. The gf is going to be a junior in high school. I was not surprised to hear of the pregnancy, but DH was pissed, more so bc his son STILL refused to get a job. He did ask DH to get him a job at his place, where there are no jobs, and said he would have BM drive him here every day. He wanted DH to drive him home each night. NO to both. There are places he can apply to near his home (we are 40 minutes away). BM does not work and has a car she can use to get him to work. He has said if he worked with DH, he would not really have to work, since DH would "cover for him." UGH. That would never happen. DH works hard, and does not tolerate slackers in his department.
Well, DH's son whined through about 20 texts. Then he went on Facebook and was joking about being a dad. They wanted to name the child after a video game character. Even his friends were telling him he was nowhere near ready to be a dad. The gf wound up miscarrying shortly after this, which I see as a blessing. The gf said she did not want the baby. BM is a MESS, my DH's other 2 kids are horrible, and the gf's family seems to me to be bad-this baby would have grown up in a horrible situation. Honestly, my DH's kids and BM live like trash. I do not know the gf's family, but anyone who allows an adult man to sleep with their teenage daughter is no good in my book.
We do not give DH's kids any money, and I know it would have been expected that we would have helped out. Again, no. DH's kids are horrible to him, and we would not have been able to have had a relationship with the baby.
If this girl is pregnant, I suggest your SS get a DNA test. You never know. I would definitely continue to not pay for the extras. If her family allows him to live there, there is not much you can do. Prepare for the idea that you may not be able to see this baby. Again, you never know.
I hope that she is not pregnant.
I wish you luck, I know it is hard.
Why were you hacking your
Why were you hacking your adult stepson's FB account? AND hacking his email account?
Let's check the facts here:
1. You are NOT his stepmother. You are his father's girlfriend.
2. This "child" is legally an adult.
3. You are waaaaay out of line hacking into his email and FB accounts.
4. YOU do not have the sole right to kick him out. This is something that you AND HIS FATHER need to figure out.
Focus on your own children and stop stalking this man. It's really kinda creepy.
Umm, I am his Stepmom and
Umm, I am his Stepmom and have been since he was 4 years old. My husband (the Bio father) installed a child protection program onto his computer last year that captures passwords. If I was not clear, I am sorry but my husband told me to go into the accounts...especially since SS has been acting weird lately.
The decision to kick him out was my husbands, mine and the BM decision. We ALL had a say in it.
Stalking my SS (who just turned 18 3 weeks ago)is absurd. By the way, when my kids are all teens, you bet I am going to have access to all of their accounts. I shudder to think what would be going on if my husband, the BM and I did not find out.
I guess I'm confused. You
I guess I'm confused. You said he is your BF...now husband? Whatever. If he wants to spy on his kid, why is he having you do it? This is his kid, and he should be stepping up and handling the parenting duties...not handing them off to you.
I don't see where she said he
I don't see where she said he was her BF? I think she was saying BF like Biofather...??? maybe...
Oops, I get the abbreviations
Oops, I get the abbreviations mixed up, sorry! I though BF = Biofather.
I get the honor of checking things out alot since my husband works long hours.
I have no problem checking my
I have no problem checking my ss's email. always have, always will.. until he is grown and GONE. Of course as he gets older it will only be done if prompted. Obviously OP felt there was good reason to check, and she was RIGHT! This guy is sleeping with a MINOR. Just because he is 18 doesn't make him all-knowing.
I am fairly certain OP is asking advice on behalf of her AND her husband. Not making decisions all on her own.
True, my SS's Biomother was
True, my SS's Biomother was very upset and angry the girlfriend's family kept it secret.
And I agree, if this was my daughter who was pregnant then I would have called the father's family the same day.
Totally agree. For some
Totally agree. For some messed up reason, my SS and his girlfriend wanted to get pregnant and start a family. Yeah, with no means of support. Smart cookies here. To top it all off...this was my SS's first lover.
My husband, the biofather, is upset and says that it is his sons problem now, not ours. I cannot help but feel guilty for the little baby(if there is still one) and at the same time happy to see the idiot leave the house.
My college GF and I got
My college GF and I got pregnant my first semester of college when I was 19 and she was 21. Fortunately she was a senior and would be graduating in the spring.
She chose to abort the child though she did accept my proposal. When we announced our engagement her parents and mine congratulated us and said they would be there for us but that since we had chosen to begin a marriage that we would have to pay for the child (my parents knew, hers did not) and any further college education that either of us wanted to pursue. We became engaged in Dec, she aborted in Jan an ultimately I broke off the engagment in May/June of the following year. We were engaged for ~15mos..
Though I am and was not personally in support of abortion she probably did the best thing for both of us at the time. She could not tolerate the stigma of going through a very visible pregnancy then giving the child up for adoption and I was far from mature enough to support a wife and child. No excuses, just the facts that were in play nearly 30 years ago when I was in your SS's shoes.
As your SS is experiencing I too had an extra year of HS even before my oowl pregnant GF phase. I had an extra year of HS due to a first sophomore year that was way too much fun with way too much money and way too little adult supervision. I was at a very liberal boarding school at that time. It was my first year away from home and I took full advantage of the distance from my parents. So, my second sophomore year and the rest of my HS career was at military school. The difference between your SS and I is that I had my HS brain fart a few years younger than he is.
You may want to consider the mil school option for your SS. There are some reasonably affordable options out there, particularly for only the one year it should take him to graduate. I suggest NMMI or Carson-Long. Both are extremely affordable (~$10K -$15K/year compared to as much as $50K/yr) and NMMI is a perennial top 20 boarding school.
If he gets his shit together he may be able to finish HS next year with enough performance to open up college or military opportunities and salvage an opportunity for a viable adulthood.
Ultimately my former GF/Fiance went on to finish her masters and have a decent life (from what I hear). I went on to finish my undergrad and masters and with a do over on my first few years of college and a do over on marriage I have had a reasonably successful career, had both a crappy and incredible marriage and raised a son to viable adulthood with my amazing bride.
SS-20 is now in the USAF having completed the first year of a 6yr enlistment, is working on his BSCS and has adhered to the parental mantra we had him repeat regularly once he entered his mid teens. "No glove, no love and wrap it before you tap it." I had my brush with teenaged fatherhood at 19. My wife had our son (my SS) at 16. My SS's SpermIdiot has had 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas two were underage when the kids were born. Getting our son to 20yo without an out of wedlock pregnancy was a notable accomplishment considering the trackrecord of his three parents (DW, Me, DickHead). At least my wife and I learned from our own experiences and busted our asses to not raise a kid who would have a repeatr performance.
If I and your SS had adhered to the mantra we both would have avoided some major heart ache and been able to focus on completing our journey to viable adulthood without detours. Your SS still has a chance to have a decent outcome. I agree that sending him away is a GREAT move. If his GF choses to have/keep the baby he needs to man up. With a estimated due date in May 2013 he has just about enough time to finish HS, join the military or get in to college and get a job so he can support his kid. The odds of his relationship with GF working out are obviously slim and none. Regardless he needs to be fully ready to step in to viable adulthood at the end of the next school year whether he is a father or not.
All IMHO and experience of course.
Good luck.