ROFR questions - teenagers?
This is my first post here - hello!
TM and DH are currently working in mediation to clarify some things including ROFR because it's causing more issues than solving. The children are 12 and 15. They have the ROFR for 4 hours or more, and DH does a lot of work out of town (and it lands on his parenting time). When TM takes the children on ROFR on these trips, she's having trouble coping with issues that come up with transportation, emergencies, etc, and the skids and her end up calling DH while he is out of town at work to solve these things for them. It has gotten to be quite bothersome. He usually tries to get off the radar tho. So, during these difficulties, AND on a regular basis, I am expected to help out with transportation and whatever else I can do with what may come up. However, I work during the day and my availability is zero during that time. TM has given me quite a bit of grief about that but it is what it is. I know that the spirit of ROFR is to offer more time to the other parent, but TM lately has been giving off vibes that it is a problem and burden for her that she cannot cope with financially or time-wise. Fair enough.
So, they are going back to mediation to really further clarify who IS INDEED in charge of handling difficulties of the children during ROFR, and the chain of command, where do I fit in, possibly an exchange of money for the extra financial burden (rather than adjusting child support), etc.
My question is: Can ROFR just be revoked in mediation since it's causing so much trouble for TM? I would be happy to have the children just stay with me during DH's business trips and not disrupt their schedule? Has anyone ever done that with success? I think it would be more helpful to the younger kids, but these kids are teenagers and proven able to stay alone at home all day under TMs care as it is.
One complicating factor is that TM feels she is TM 24/7, and that we should also always be on-call and available 24/7, including me. As a SM I know I have no responsibility or obligation to do so - and when the skids have directly asked me for help without her knowledge when she was not able to be reached, she mocks and berates me for doing so - She is very protective and she has displayed deep insecurity when the children and I connect in any positive way. So, until the mediation clears things up, I'm ready to go off the radar and hand all emergencies, transportation, difficulties, back to TM and DH to handle because the grayness of this is messing with my own personal boundaries. In other words, I can't win with this lady and her mindset is very confusing to me, so I'm off the list, so to speak.
So, realmccoy, you are saying
So, realmccoy, you are saying that I should not be involved on a regular basis for transportation or to be available to bail anyone out during TMs ROFR time? I'm trying to know what other SMs have done that worked and didn't work for them, and why - before TM and DH go back to mediation.
Whoever is custodial should
Whoever is custodial should be responsible...visitation or ROFR are just that...that means that if the NCP cannot or does not want to take the time, then it is up to the CP to figure it out. It is NOT up to the step-parent or even the NCP to be MADE to do so that the CP can have time off, etc...too bad.
I think ROFR is ridiculous
I think ROFR is ridiculous given the childrens' ages.
If biomom wants to exercise ROFR then she is to deal with the consequences of making that decision. What is the saying..." a lack of planning on your part does not create an emergency on me" or something like that.
I really feel in this
I really feel in this situation, since I have no actual responsibility to the children, and TM is not working on fostering a positive relationship between me and the children (it feels like I"m just her donkey with a car), the best thing for ME is to step back and out of the way during TM's parenting time and ROFR time with the children, and bluntly express that I am unavailable to her and the children and ask DH to tell her to factor me out. My only availability is to help DH on his parenting time and physical custody. But, doing that I feel like a bitch and further pushes the children away and feeling helpless - that the adults are NOT there to help them, and TM will be quick to point that out to everyone as well - ugh.
My frame of reference was with my own son, from age 5-6 on up - his dad and I had shared custody of him EOW and we did fine with that - neither of us expected regular help from the other. Even in job-hunting turned down good jobs, and awesome schooling opportunities and extracurriculars for my son because doing so would impinge and interfere with the other's parenting time....So, I'm having trouble adjusting to this mindset of TMs where she's expecting more of me than I was willing to do in my own situation.