i love my marriage, i hate my family
do you feel that way sometimes? I wish i had a family in which i find peace, and loyalty. I’m not talking roses and rainbows every day, I’m aware that any and all families have issues, but what my heart is needing is that sense of home, to trust your inner circle, to feel like nobody will stab you in your sleep (kind of joking, maybe 
in my family there are secrets, silences, manipulation, games, sides, them and us, and a bunch of bullshit that is eating us all alive and that we don’t know how to fix
i hate it. the center of it all...yes...you guessed it is SD12. She is a drama maker, she is at war with me and creates really bad dynamics. I tried a lot of things : from giving her all my attention and care, to try to “fix” things, to be a tough love kind of parent, to ignoring her some ,to ignoring her a lot…the result is different shades of the same : DRAMA
hubby has the best intentions but he is simply not capable of dealing with her and her shit. he gets tired, tries but I think it hurts too much and then he stops, and once in a while he gets mad at me and most of the time he secretly blames me for the disfunctionallity of it all. He gets tired, I do too.
it takes a lot of energy to deal with this situation, i think that my body is feeling all the stress and i have a series of symptoms that are clearly related to it (random heart burns, headaches, exhaustion, some stomach situations that i rather not fully share with you ladies, etc). my BS11 is also catching some of this ugliness in the air…it gets bad.
(i feel like I’m always writing the same post, in a way because things are not getting better, we are just the same)
meanwhile, when she is gone to a little trip or simply to a friend’s house for the afternoon, our family flourishes, literally, is like the sun comes out in my living room, we are all more relaxed, there is laughter…
my marriage is a very good one, we love each other, we have a great time until SD shows up or the topic comes up I nany way. She has the power to turn everything sour and my point is that daddy lets her because a 12 year old should be told to stop the drama , to quit it and that is that, but noooo we all walk around the issue, we don’t mention that she does not want to have dinner at the table with the family, we don’t say a word when she comes and goes without looking in our direction or saying good day or good evening, we ignore the fact that she makes these choices every day. Daddy does nothing and the family suffers..(to clarify: I did say plenty about all this behavior for a while but the only result was to “give it” more power and to fight with DH, so I stopped)
oh well, I’m not fixing anything by witting this but it helps me to vent
thank you
Dalhia
Delilah, does your dh not
Delilah, does your dh not pick up on the negativity and feel it too? I know (or I believe) mine used to but he just sort of shoved his face in the television and ignored it.
yeap, he shoved his face i
yeap, he shoved his face i nthe computer or tv adn tries to ignore and ignore...it works for him somehow...sad.
Hey believe me I totally
Hey believe me I totally understand. My SD is 12 as well and she tells EVERYONE outside of our home that I'm a bitch and that I hate her. Not to mention that she has told me that she hates me and wants me to leave in front of her father! Honestly, I have just read an article on Disengaging from the website called "Step Together".
I'm sure that you don't hate her as she is only a child but my DH has told her that she is welcome to move in wih her mother because her behaviour is outrageous.
Truly a HORRIBLE situation to be in because I have my son who is 12 and my SS who is 9 who is just devistated that I may leave because of his sister. So question being is, "Can a 12 be so a manipulative, conniving, narscasist?" I believe it is a learned behaviour from her mentally Ill mother.
Good luck and please keep me posted!!
Hugs and kisses
hey Tammy, souds like we are
hey Tammy, souds like we are living twin nightmares. to answer your question: yes, 12 year old can be that manipulative. and yes it is a learned behaivior. BM is a mess and she is a big time lier and manipulative person. there are so many incredible stories about it. and SD is learning the same. i always say that hte more you do soemthing the better you get at it and if she continues ot practice this attitute and behaivior she will become ..well...more manipulative and a better lier.
no, i dont hate a 12 year old girl, you are right, but i do deeply dislike her attitue and her choices in this family. she is not 6 years old anymore, she knows very well what she is doing.
I'm a very honest, open, trusting person and i dont welcome games and manipulation. there is no room in my life for it. sorry.
I wish it was that easy.
I wish it was that easy. Dreamy 30 I admire your husband who had a serious conversation with his daughter and explained her all of this and follows through on her behaviour. I had an honest upfront conversation with my ex fiancee. He was defensive , in denial , stonewalled me and would not listen. In 2 weeks he still did not want to admit there was anything wrong with his behaviour. He actually asked me to be manipulative and not so straightforward with him. I could not believe my ears?!
My ex - fiancee would not want to change anything with his daughter and assured me of that . His mother in one voice with him assured me that nothing will change. His daughter is 12 going soon to be 13 and still wants to sleep in his bedroom close to his bed on a mattress. I have found about 100 skype messages : daddyyy pleaseee I want to sleep in in your room type. She clings to him, follows him everywhere and sits next to him on the dinner table etc. His mother testifies to it , is proud of it and supports it and thinks it is so cute because she is daddy`s girl and will always be. It is creepy and my ex seems to have a lot of guilt parenting and allows it under the pretext that he sees her 4 times a month.
I am happy that your husband is approaching the situation in a mature way and is taking the necessary steps to make his daughter an emotionally mature person.
Tammy yes a 12 year old can,
Tammy yes a 12 year old can, I was that manipulative 12 year old and I grew up and changed by my own choice. I got the manipulation part from my dad. The worst you could have done to me, is let me know you arent putting up with my crap or ignore me. I would call family meeting and tell your husband he is going to deal with it,or you will. Lay out the rules and thats that.
My SD15 does all this, WE
My SD15 does all this, WE can't stand eachother and the whole dynamic of our home changes when she is there, I hate it. SO misses her and dotes on her when she is ther. He's seeing her manipulative selfish ways more and more but she punishes him when she doesn't get what she wants. So eventually he sticks his head back in the sand and does the guilty daddy thing and nothing ever really changes....FML
Amen!
Amen!