My step-son is going to destroy our relationship if things don't change please help
I have a 5 year old step son who actually lives with my partners mother 3 hours away due to his mother being unfit to care for him full time.
My partner is unable to have custody as my MIL keeps saying "not unless you move 3 hours away where I lives and leave your girlfriend!" She had always hated me from day 1 and I have done nothing but be kind to her.
She knows that because she has his son she can control him, only he is refusing to move because we have a home together and he has a job, I also have a 2 year old daughter.
My partner is only meant to go up there every two weeks to stay with his mom and visit his son and the other weekend his sons mom has him.
However, my MIL is doing everything she can to interfere and make it very difficult.
She rang 3 weeks ago one Saturday morning that we had planned to 'just relax' and said "I'm bringing your son to stay!" she brings her whole family to my small three bedroom house....as well as the next two weekends.
She calls my partner and says "You need to put your 100% attention and time ALL into your son" or she says "His heart is breaking he is fretting for you come up and stay" every weekend is an excuse and we haven't had a break for a month.
When he comes down he will not allow me to spend ANY time not even 10 minutes with my partner, he rushes over and says "My daddy, my daddy" and shoves me off.
He sleeps in our bed, if my partner has him on his side he insists on sleeping in between us so my partner can't touch me.
He tells my 2 year old daughter "He's not your daddy, he's only my daddy" and pushes her away.
He answers back to my partner, plays Grand Theft auto on playstation until whenever he pleases and I have even heard him say the word faggot.
He clings to my partner 24/7 and will not allow my daughter or I to have ANY time with him.
He screams and cries for hours when my partner goes to work.
My partner baby's him way too much for a 5 year old, talks to him like hes still a baby and carries him around like a baby, hugs him to sleep and does ANYTHING he requests and my partner is talking his son coming to live with us soon and there is no way I'll allow that until he is trained to respect us and share my partner with us too and sleep in his own bed.
I dread his son coming over even for the weekend, he is greedy, rude, manipulative and incredibly needy.
If this doesn't stop I vow to end my relationship as much as I love my partner.
What do I do? How can I make things change?
Put the child on the floor,
Put the child on the floor, then in his own room.
Don't be around when MIL starts her drama. Period.
Get a water bottle nd squirt the kid of he hurts your child.
(Don't lay a hand on him.)
The boy is having a huge
The boy is having a huge amount of difficulity in this situation and who can blame him. This is a long term problem which might have a chance of being solved providing you're out of the picture. I'm not blaming you at all. I just don't see the boy having an opportunity to work through this with you around.
Dad needs to take care of the boy except when the boy is at his Grandmothers while Dad works. These sort of problems are way too deep rooted for the usual methods of training and discipline to have any chance of working.
Since (in my opinion) you're going to leave in disgust anyway my advise is to do it sooner rather than later. As in now.
but you're not blaming her.
but you're not blaming her. :sick:
How on earth do i learn to
How on earth do i learn to love this kid when he is rude to me and my daughter and I am pushed out of the equation completely?
If the mother is unfit - why
If the mother is unfit - why does Grandma have custoday? I get that he is a handful right now but if he was in your home and under your rules he would trun around much more quickly than he ever will with an over indulgent stupid grandma giving in to his everywhim.
What is the legal set up your partner has with regards tot he child? If he is with granny on a handshake only, pack his shit and move him in with you and start setting up rukes and expectations, etc.
He can't be in our custody
He can't be in our custody yet as my dh is on his last stretch of probation (he is not a criminal as such just one thing in his life he did wrong) and the courts in new zealand because of his charge won't allow him to apply for full custody until my MIL hands it over to him which she won't because she knows that having my ss means she has full power to control my dh
Gotcha' sorry to have sounded
Gotcha' sorry to have sounded so judgemental. I am basing my response on the US family courts.
Thats ok I am probably the
Thats ok I am probably the only NZ person on here but so desperate to talk to others.
If i talk my my DH I just get told "why don't you like my son" bla bla bla.
When in fact I am actually trying my best but its a lot harder when I am not the BM.
He cries when his dad goes to work every morning and this morning I said "Your 5 now, your a big boy and big boys don't cry when their daddys go to work" and he stopped!
Now I just need to talk to my partner about getting him in his own bed because I am pushed to sleep in our spare room as I am a light sleeper and can't sleep with kids including my own daughter but shes slept alone from day one. only problem is my DH doesn't even try getting him in his own bed and did I forget to mention that DH moved into MY home and I am sleeping in MY SPARE BED!
You aren't the only one. I am
You aren't the only one. I am from NZ but living in the USA.
Hi I'm in Melbourne, so
Hi
I'm in Melbourne, so we're almost neighbours LOL - love NZ by the way.
Having read your situation I think the best thing for everyone is for you to get custody of the boy as soon as you can.
Once he is out from the mother in laws influence you won't have that stress or issues, and you can work on his behaviours much quicker and easier if he is with you full time.
When you discuss all this with your OH you need to put it into terms of how you are worried about his son, that you are concerned that his behaviour is because he is insecure, you fear he has feelings of abandonment, and you want him to grow up to be the best person he can be. And that if the 2 of you can work as a team and be great, loving parents to this child that can be done, but that if things continue as they are you fear that the poor boy is being emotionally damaged.
It has to be all about how the two of you working together can make a great life and give his son the best start. He is not going to care that you and your daughter feel left out and pushed aside. But he WILL care that his child is not the best he can be. Show him (subtly) other 5 year old boys, let him see how his child is not developmentally as independant as he should be and point out that it upsets you to know that his son is not getting the right start in life that he needs. If and when you do get custody make a big show of how the child lives with you and is a full part of your family now, and has his own room just like your daughter, his own bed etc. Make a big deal of how that is HIS space.
With regards to the other issues, tackle them by talking to your OH - at this stage the poor child probably feels very insecure about his place in the world. Let him have one on one time with dad, but also do lots as a family so he feels that he is part of things. It will take time, but at 5 there is still so much hope for this boy, as long as his dad gets on board with setting proper boundaries etc.
I honestly feel that his clinginess and wanting his dad to himself is all about him feeling abandoned and that he needs to try and establish where he belongs (probably fuelled by the MIL as well lets face it) So, when he comes between you and your OH gently remove him and say I am sitting next to OH at the moment, we are having adult time. Talk to your OH and say that once you have full custody the child needs to see how healthy normal adult relationships work so that he has a model for when he grows up and starts his own family. You and OH need to be those models, and that requires OH to let the child know that adults spend time together and sleep together etc.
If you put it all to him (OH) in terms of how you want the best for his son, and how the two of you working together can achieve that etc you should get somewhere. REally that depends on how well you and OH communicate though, and how receptive he is. Talk to him about it all when you are both calm, in other words NOT when things are going on and you or he is upset. Make a time and tell him you want to talk about the future, making the family work for everyone - including his son etc.
It's not your stepson who is
It's not your stepson who is going to destroy your relationship. It's your MIL. Don't think this will end. All he's doing, comes from her. It's she who allows a 5YO to play GTA and say faggot and she who tells him that he is the only child of your BF. If your DH does not resist this with all his fiber then he is a busted flush and he will never protect you from that sort of influence. I agree with WTIH. This guy has been considered by your state not fit to have his child to live with him yet here he is, residing with your child and in your home. So why when the state does not regard him as good enough, do you? What is he doing for you and your child? Disrupting your lives by bringing in a child who keeps you awake and plays GTA. I am sorry I would not even let a teenager play that in my house and certainly not where my infant child resides. You are in for a heap of trouble not only from your evil MIL, useless unfit BM and probably manipulative/certainly unprincipled BF. And as SS grows older, it won't just be GTA that he uses to corrupt your daughter.
I rarely say this on this site but that kid is going to grow up a danger to your daughter. Get rid of the lot of them.
Just another thing about GTA,
Just another thing about GTA, do you know it has hidden scenes where you, the player, get to kill prostitutes? This is a 5YO!!!!! :jawdrop: