Loyalty To Only One Parent
Why is it that so many skids are so ridiculously loyal to one parent even when it means no relationship with the other parent? I don't understand this.
My Dh is a widower. BM has been dead for over 10 years now. The skids take their dad remarrying, moving on and being happy with me and being a father to my kids as an affront to their mother.
I would never have thought that this many years would pass and they would still have a vendetta against their father and me. They were estranged for 5 years now only speak to their father and require him to visit alone and act as if I do not exist as a condition for him to see his grandkids.
They've explained their treatment of their father and I is warranted because their mother has been disrespected. They won't just let this go because they feel that is condoning their father disrespecting their mother.
Life for everyone involved would be so much easier if they would just let this all go. But the only way they will ever do that is if Dh leaves me and admits they are right.
Why is it that loyalty only goes one way? Why can't they be loyal to their dad and respect his decision to live life the way he wants to?
Christag, I wonder if they
Christag,
I wonder if they see you as a threat to their inheritance? I wouldn't be surprised. They had ten years to think about inheriting everything from dad, even if there's not much to inherit.
There are issues with money
There are issues with money but they are mainly infuriated that DH will spend any of what they view as their mom's money on me or my kids.
When BM died, all of her assets went to DH. Her family has money, so she came into the marriage with more money than he did but she barely worked. All of that money went into a trust which goes to his kids. The house goes to the kids too. If Dh dies first, i can still live here but when I die, the house goes to his kids. If I sell the house, the money goes to his kids.
Dh was left with a huge amount amount of bills when his wife died, mainly a lot of travel expenses to out of state hospitals but he never touched his wife's family money to pay them off. There was also a college fund that was set up for his kids that they didn't use because grandmother paid for their college.
His kids went insane when Dh suggested that the college fund could be used by my kids. This was money he saved for his kids' college and he was free to do whatever he wanted with it.
They view any money DH has as being their mom's money and he's not allowed to spend it on me or my kids or give them anything.
It's not like they really need the money. Their mom's family has money, they got a lot of money when their grandmother died, they all have well paying jobs. The money in the trust is pocket change but they argue about it on principle because they don't want me to have it.
Their main issue is their dad remarrying less than a year after their mom died. They just make a fuss over the money to make things difficult.
So true. His kids were
So true. His kids were incommunicado for years but they butt in when they feel they have to defend their mom and keep her money away from my kids.
They found out because DH was offering to help pay for YSS going to law school. It gets into the whole jealousy issues especially with the younger two skids and my kids. Dh offered to help pay, YSS was pissed at him and wouldn't speak to him, but DH mentioned the college fund being used for my daughter and all hell broke loose.
SD and YSS were both in
SD and YSS were both in college when the whole college fund fight happened. There was money left over because former MIL payed for SD's college. She wasn't speaking at all to her dad then and was too busy partying and getting drunk in college and didn't want him knowing what she was doing.
Dh was focused on our family and my kids and his kids were off in college on the opposite coast and he had very little to do with them.
He now talks to his sons about financial issues because OSS's degree is in finance and YSS is a lawyer. He's rolled the college fund into a trust so it's no longer an issue. It's going to his grandkids. Kids in diapers have more money for college now than my kids in high school.
They really don't care about having the money for themselves. They don't need it. Their kids won't need that college fund. All they care about is me not having it and my kids not having any of their mom's money.
Yes. He's being incredibly
Yes. He's being incredibly harsh and short with my kids. All the years of his kids of call my kids "The Replacements" and complaining about how unfair it is that he does or gives my kids things they didn't have is taking its toll.
The skids were handed money for college, cars, everything they needed as teens because their mom was terminally ill. Now DH has a complete double standard that my kids have to pay for their own cars, pay for their own college. I know it's because his kids going crazy if they find out he payed for anything for my kids. And the guilt trip over the lack of time he spent with them especially his kids' claims he abandoned them when after they went to college so he could play with my kids.
His kids have put him in
His kids have put him in loyalty bind too by making him feel that any kindness toward your kids means less for them. Only your DH can put a stop to this emotional blackmail.
@stepaside I have to disagree
@stepaside I have to disagree that as you say grieving is not a life long process! Maybe not for a spouse but for the children it is. I lost my mother over 27 years ago and yes I still grieve and miss her. My father remarried and NO I do not like her and will NEVER accept her as a mother. I do however understand that my dad deserves to be happy and should not live his life alone just because my mother passed away. The skids of the OP obviously have not come to the realization that their father deserves to be happy or have accepted that he is able to move as they the skids are probably still grieving the loss of their mother.
Agreed. I'm sorry about your
Agreed. I'm sorry about your mom. My mom lost her mom 20 years ago and still misses her deeply. My grandfather remarried too and I know it was tough on my mom because it's a huge reminder that her mom will never come back. But she came to the same realization you did about her dad's happiness. She ultimately also found a way to grieve but treat my SGM (whom I've come to like) with respect. I'm proud of you for doing the same.
I have to be honest. I know
I have to be honest. I know you may disagree with this, but I do feel DH could have done more to be active in his kids' lives when they were in college. Given that he was/is the only parent they have left, I can see why they would feel so hurt that he did not attend their graduations. Even if he didn't discover the dates from his kids, he could have found them out from their schools.
BUT....
I also feel that these people have been carrying that grudge for years. That's a long time to hold a grudge and I would imagine that it has really worn them down in one way or another. And I feel that they've been putting the blame on the wrong people-your kids- for too long. Your kids weren't holding guns to DH's head, making him miss his kids' college graduations.
As for the money part, I can see why that would be a bitter pill for them to swallow, and why they'd feel the way they do, but feelings and actions are two totally different things and feelings shouldn't be used as excuses to act in an uncivilized way. It was their mom's money. She left it to their dad legally, so now it is his to do with as he pleases. They may not like the fact that he is spending it on people who had nothing to do with their mom. They don't have to. But DH needs to stop discussing finances with them, and if they want to vent their feelings about this, he should tell them to find another forum in which to do so. That's what friends and therapists exist for.
And maybe he should address the real issue with them-the fact that he did remarry a year after their mom died, and their having an issue with it. He needs to tell them that everyone grieves differently and that he did a lot of his grieving when their mom was ill. By remarrying you he wasn't asking them to stop grieving, or follow his process of grieving. He was and is simply asking them to not take it out on you or your kids. If they have issues with mistakes he made in their childhood, or feel he wasn't there for them enough growing up, they need to address those issues with HIM and not make other, innocent people suffer for them. Nobody, including DH, should dance or tiptoe around the real issues anymore.
And another thing. Hopefully they will someday realize their father is a human. Nobody is flawless. And if they can't get over the anger and find ways to work out their issues, maybe it's best that they cease contact with him until they can do those things.
I agree with this especially
I agree with this especially what you said about grievances being treated equally and burning you at the stake. I think we as SMs make easy targets.
"DH could certainly spend his
"DH could certainly spend his money the way he sees fit, but it would be upsetting for me if my dad spent my mom's money on someone else's children."
Agreed. I would be too. Hopefully I would handle it differently but I'd still be very upset internally about it. And it was just tacky of the DH in question to tell that to his kids. If my father did that I would be extremely hurt.
Your story is not quite the
Your story is not quite the same as the OP. Please correct me if I am wrong but I thought Social Security is given to a wife 10 years after she has been married to a man. If you have to put up with the Skids for that long, you deserve it - not the skids. How selfish to ask for cash payments! You started dating 6 months after DH became a widower, and held off marriage for two years. This does not seem unreasonable to me. Your SD's behavior at the wedding was uncalled for. Hope you have disengaged from her.
No, their anger is directed
No, their anger is directed more at me than their father. OSS said he didn't mind his dad remarrying, he doesn't like that he remarried me. Much of their attacks are directed towards me and accusations about how I treated them when SD was in high school and still living at home.
They're angry about their dad remarrying but I think now they've come to terms with it by
believing he was the innocent victim who was taken advantage of by the evil woman who conned him into marrying him.
It would be easier to deal with their hatred if it was just them accusing us of having an affair. But their attacks are directed at me and my kids.