Are you too busy reacting, rather than acting to change your situation?

This question is a good one. It has helped me stand up to my SK's and their poor behavior.

Some suggestions on how to change this pattern:

-Plan, make requests, begin to set healthy boundaraies and start the process in motion to make changes. This may be difficult to start, but keep at it and move forward - even in baby steps - towards your goal.

-It is best to set goals for yourself first, instead of looking to change others. The better you get and are able to set healthy boundaries, and learn how to get what you need, many of the issues with others will fall into place. But don't be surprised if the other people put up a big fight first, and try to sabotage your boundaries and self-confidence and goals. }:)

-Think about and consider what you need and want from others involved. Come to an understanding that some things will not be possible to get - ever - but also look to see what you can get. It may take some time to understand what is and isn't possible to achieve - at least in the short-term, but don't give up.

-List on paper what the issues are, and some steps to acheive your goals. List what YOU can do to change the situation from YOUR position. What boundaries to set - a different approach to dealing with your spouse and if it is time for YOU to disengage, etc... You can't make your spouse or SK's do what they don't want to do, so move ahead in doing what YOU need to do for your own well-being.

-Don't limit yourself with "shoulds" or thinking it "can only happen this way" or "it won't work" type of thinking. Think outside the box. Use these forums for some ideas from others who are dealing with the same issues. You will get some feedback that can help you see another approach you never thought of.

-Do what you can one-day-at-a-time. Don't over reach too fast or you may get frustrated and give up. Slow and steady wins the race.

-Check off the goals you have reached. But don't get too cocky, you may have to repeat the process to re-establish this goal once more. Life has a way of surprising us when we least expect it.

-Be patient, and trust in God's timing and way of helping you resolve your goals.
When the time is right, and when you are ready, it will happen. This doesn't mean you sit back and do nothing. It means if it doesn't happen right away, keep striving for your goals, but with the understanding that it will happen when the time is right - and to push it before then is not going to help you or the situation.

One important goal is to "say what you mean, and mean what you say." Don't make people try and read your mind. If you have a need, SAY SO! Be concise, don't beat around the bush and use "cryptic" phrases.

It is OK to say NO! You are not a bad person if you use this word.

Don't be so easily willing to back down if your spouse or SK's insist there isn't a problem, or they try and convince you that YOU are the problem. They can be LYING, and trying to MANIPULATE you so that they don't have to make any changes.

Express your wants, needs, feelings openly and honestly and appropriately (don't shout, scream or have hysterics) and responsibly (at the appropriate time after you have taken time to prepare what you will say). You don't need to feel ashamed of having any of these needs - even if your spouse or SK's try and make you feel ashamed. CALMLY OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY IN AN EVEN YET FIRM TONE. Sulking, pouting and ignoring your spouse or SK's (unless you have needed to disengage) is not going to make them understand or change.

If you can't say it aloud, you may wish to write it in a letter to your spouse or SK's. Be careful to not use the "you" word if possible.

Be ready to admit that you may be wrong in a particular situation - when it is appropriate. It isn't possible to not make mistakes ever! Be careful when and to whom you admit this. There are people who will cheerfully use this against you, and are not safe people to admit any such thing to.

LEARN TO IGNORE NONSENSE AND B.S. from others! Don't allow them to get you involved in foolish drama.

YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINIONS, and so are others. But you and they are NOT entitled to being abusive, manipulating or controlling.

I hope this has been helpful.

All of this information is gleaned from "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Take care.