Help I think my Girl's kid is a brat, don't know what to do to make this better for all of us
So, I'm thinking of getting engaged, and I say thinking because I would marry this girl in a heartbeat, but her 5 year old (6 in Jan)kid is driving me nuts. We've been dating for a almost 2 years, and I've known her son from the beginning since he was 3. Now he is five, and we have all got our first place together, with a catch. The kid stays at his grandmothers house 3 nights a week and with us 4 nights, so we can work. It has gotten to the point that I work late and don't want to go home to them and end up staying late at the office on the majority of the nights he stays over. I pay for all of the bills and living expenses, except for daycare which she pays to the tune of 40 bucks for the 3 actual "days" he is there (the rest is with grandma or weekends). Whenever he is over he will not go to sleep without a movie or tv show sometimes 2 or 3. He will not eat when we eat or eat what we eat, he will not stay in his bed when she finally tells him to stay in his bed for the 3rd or 4th time of the evening. He will always wait until after his movie goes off and come knock on our door and disturb us, which makes intimacy fairly impossible on the nights he is around. Last night he woke us up (and the barking dog) until 12:30 at which point my girl had to go and "rub" his back until about 1:30 a.m. It does not make me a happy camper the next day as I wake up at 5:30 and work construction 10 hours a day 6 days a week. I don't mind the work, but I cannot do it off 4 hours of sleep on the nights he is around. We took him to go see spider man in 3D last night and he made us all 15 minutes late to the movie so he could finish a level on his Sonic game, after we got to the movies he pitched a fit to see some other movie about a parrot, go figure I thought all little boys were into spider man. I took him to Wal-mart the other day and bought him the $30 dollar captain america shield because he said he asled for it for christmas and didn't get it, 10 minutes after playing with it he tossed in his closet and I havn't seen him play with it since. Everytime we go somewhere we are constantly late because he will not get into the car, his carseat, or seatbelt without someone doing it for him (if in a hurry, which is frequesntly the case). he does not seem to care if anyone else is in a hurry, tired, and I understand he is five, but the worst thing is that when he wants something from you he will pester you non-stop until you either get it (or mommy makes him cry, as I'm "allowed" to discipline him. But when you ask him for something simple like hand me the tv remote or say goodnight he will totally ignore you. His grandms spoils the shit out of him and he know threatens his mother with going to "stay" with granny if she will not give him what he wants. His granny lets him sleep with her, caters to his every need, including all custom meals, bedtimes and she even "dresses" him in the morninig when he has school, as he is too grumpy to wake up and get himself dressed/ready for school, and yes my girl and her grandma dressed him every single day for his entire first year of school. I'm sick of all the coddling and know this kid will be totally messed up if I don't do something. His real dad is a deadbeat that has seen him maybe three times in the past 2 years and has paid a grand total of 80 dolalrs in child support since they seperated three years ago. Something has got to change I can't live my life like this feeling out of control and helpless as the little brat runs all over his mom, grandma, granpda. The only other adults in his life are his uncles, who frequently make him cry because they tell him he is being a brat (something I'm ashamed to admit I want to do myself). Please somebody share any ideas or similar situations and help my figure out how to communicate to her and to him that what is happening is not right. The worst part is my girlfriend feels guilty that she cannot be there for him seven nights a week, so when ever he comes over she will spend about the majority of her paycheck on movies, candy, toys, and whatever else he wants to indulge in for the evening before casting it aside and wanting more the next day. I once mentioned to her that we shoud have quiet time in the house after 8pm so he could start winding down and maybe be asleep by ten, and she responded that "this wasn't going to work out because you can't expect 5 year olds to go to bed ontime or follow quiet hours", which I know is bullshit because I had that very thing when I was little and driving my dad nuts. The defending thing is perhaps the worst because she is constatnly babying him (he still speaks in a baby voice when he wants something), and catering to his every want and need. I just need to know if this cycle of abuse is possible to break and what are some good resources, first steps to take to bring her and her kid into reality, where adults tell kids what's what, not the other way around.
-Thank you all, sorry for the ranting, just didn't know how much was on my mind until I started writing.
-Confused in VA
"this wasn't going to work
"this wasn't going to work out because you can't expect 5 year olds to go to bed ontime or follow quiet hours"
Wow, she is really a bad parent. You gotta figure out if she's going to a) work on her parenting skills and b) stop being so child centered. Well same thing I guess.
Good luck and I agree with Danger Kitty, make sure she changes and it sticks for a year.
I totally get your
I totally get your frustration and I also think that your concerns are very valid.Welcome in stepworld!!!
What you describe is a "guilty mum" overcoddling and babying her son, trying to make up for the times she doesn't have him and also for the fact that his real dad is not in the picture.Everything is enforced by those well meaning grandparents who also mix up loving with spoiling.Let's face it- without doubt they are all trying to do what they think is the best and in spite of this creating a little unhappy brat .
Victor, many of us deal with the same issues here!
It seems to be a typical thing what happens in guilty parenting and unfortunately it is not only toxic for the child but also unhealthy for any relationship.Let's face it, the behaviour patterns you describe hardly leave any room for you and upir SS is making the rules and determining what happens in the family.He is like the mini-husband with all the entitlements ...but where are you in the scenario??
I could advise you to "RUN" as so many like to do, but I think that this is not always the solution:)))
Let me tell you, when I met SO and SD , who was also 5 at the time, it was exactly the same.I observed it a while and tried to ignore how i feel, judging myself hard for feeling what I felt-resent and frustration.SD also made the rules and grew up believing it is ok to wake us up every night , interfering in every adult conversation etc...a night mare!!!!!!I have three children, too, but she certainly had adult status and felt entitled to everything.
Victor, I started to inform me about the dynamics in step families and read a lot of posts here, also ordered Step monster, a great book.After all the information I started to be braver and to tell SO what I felt and where I saw problems for our rs.SO implemented a lot of changes and although we still have a few issues , we are doing really well now with the blending.Even SD 7 is a much nicer kid these days since she learned that she can't always be the boss.
To summarize, SO and I realised that without putting our rs first and allowing each other to be the alpha male and female, we can't get our step family into a healthy balance.
So I suppose, it all depends on your fiancees willingness to make it work.As it is, it can't.If you start educating yourself about step families and proposing for her to do the same, and she starts listening and changes things around, you may feel that things are getting better , I really hope that for you. You may have to make it clear that the grand parents opinion can't predict the rules in your house and that you two have to find your own ones.
Maybe if she understands that coddling her son is not helping him in his development, she would find it easier to set some boundaries. Don't expect things to improve over night and choose your words wisely, otherwise she will end up being too defensive. good luck.
Thanks for all the comments
Thanks for all the comments guys and gals, a lot of this stuff is illuminating, I think that I'm just beginning to understand the difficult road ahead. Step Parenting classes and books sound good, we definitely need help. I'm thinking of suggesting she work nights, so she can be home watching her son while I'm at work, spending time, without spoiling, I think should help. Also, when I'm home at night alone with him it will be easier to get him ready for bed (which takes half the amount of time and zero frusteration when Mommy is not around) and spend some time with him doing real stuff rather than just plop him in front of a movie and call it a night. I guess the only reason he stays with grandparetns, is yes so his Mom can sleep more and doesn't have to deal (she gets stressed out being around him so much), but also so we can work and make money. One major fact I forgot to mention is that we are both so young. I am 27 and my girl is 24 (yes she had him when she was 18), and you all are right, we are lacking the strong authority alpha male and female roles to make a household that is both loving and consistent in positive rules and behaviours. Last night I told her that we needed some more time together at night, other than the last 10-20 minutes of "pillow talk," which is usually about how little time we have together, before zonking out and doing it all over again. The main thing I'm concerned about (at least down the road), is what one of the posts mentioned, that her kid (and possibly our kids) will grow up without positive values which I see important instilled in them, essentially a stranger to me who lacks anything in common with their Dad and worse, only think of Dad as "money bags". Thank you all, you have given me some confidence to know that others are going through similar situations.
Let us know how you are
Let us know how you are going, Victor, you seem to be a really caring person.The more you can educate yourself about step families the better...These days there is such a strong focus on the kids needs and dramas which really brings things out of balance.There are 3 people in the family and your own needs are as important as the other ones.
good luck!!
good luck!!
My Sd6 used to wake us up,
My Sd6 used to wake us up, not any more, she stays in her bed until I get her at 7am, she is only allowed to leave if she needs the toilet or has a nightmare/illness, she sleeps much better now she has boundaries, yes your Gf is babying her son, I have to say that I would not want to go home either, my Bf used to baby sd, with time, arguments, discussions and me threatening to leave, things have improved drastically, now she has clear boundaries, she is a different girl, some nights she was so badly behaved I would go out to the pub by myself, I just could'nt stand to see it, so trust me I know how it feels, I felt anxious, angry and resentful, I urge you to be honest to your Gf, be constructive though, make out that you are concerned about his future, otherwise she will see it as an attack on her little soldier, things will not get better unless you so something, it will just get worse.