New wife and stepmom!! Help me, PLEASE!!!!?????
I'm not sure this is the right topic but I'm just desperate for help! I'm a new stepmom to a 9 yr old boy that lives with his father and I full-time. His biomom has nothing to do with him and hasn't since he was 2. Naturally, that makes my new husband over compensate for her not being involved and that makes him over protective to say the least. I love my husband so much because he loves that little boy so much. But lately he has told me that I need to forget about this "stepmom sh*t" and just be his mom. I have no biological children so I have nothing to use as a guideline for motherhood than what my mom has shown me. I have been blessed with the greatest mommy on the planet, too, so I think it's fair to act like she does. Now I need to mention that my husband's biomom also abandoned him as an early teen so I think that has a lot to do with the way he feels about mothers in general. I was brought up in a household where the kids were the kids and the parents were in charge but it seems to be the opposite in my new household. My stepson seems more like a deadbeat roommate than a child because he's not been treated as a child. He has more say in what goes on in our home than I do. I know it's not his fault because that's all he's ever known and I'm doing my best to adjust to that. However, I have been struggling with my husband because I feel like it is time for my stepson to start picking up tiny responsibilities around our house, like taking out the trash or putting dishes in the sink (not beside it) and putting his own laundry away. Mind you, this kid gets everything he opens his mouth for so it's just teaching him that things have to be earned. I feel that this needs to be taught at a young age or you're just asking for trouble when a child hits their teens. I am evidently alone in this because my husband told me he does it because he loves him and that's enough and it shouldn't matter to me anyway. How am I supposed to "just be his mom" when my husband won't support me in anything? A parents job is to set guidelines and expectations for their children so they can make it on their own as adults, right? How do I approach my husband with this or should I just leave it alone and let him continue parenting on his own? If I do that, though, I'm afraid it will damage my relationship with my stepson and my marriage!
To DH: Ok you want me to
To DH: Ok you want me to forget the stepmom stuff and be a real mom? Here's how its going to work.
Real parenting requires teaching responsibility and community. He will earn what he gets and he will contribute to our household. Not be waited on like a guest.
That's how I parent. If you don't want it, then say so now.
Hi! First, I agree with your
Hi! First, I agree with your husband. In this situation, you are the mom. Having said that, you and your husband need to find a trusted advisor, coach, psychologist, clergy, etc. Find a person that you both trust and like. It may take you several tries before you find the right person. When you get in situations where you both feel stuck (and it will happen often), make an agreement that you will allow your advisor to assist you. By creating a support system, you take some of the pressure off of your marriage.
Now, take some quiet time and put your parenting thoughts down on paper. What do you really think is best for your son? Often, we don't think about the end game and where we want to go. What type of person are you trying to raise? Share your thoughts with your husband and see how it goes. It would be great if your husband would do the same exercise. These notes will be helpful when you see your coach!
Don't try to be a hero and do all of this by yourself. All the best!
Barb
I was in the same situation
I was in the same situation as you, I was expected to be Mummy when it suited my Bf, he was so soft with Sd it drove me crazy, if I told her off, Bf was totally over protective, 2 weeks ago, I said either Im Mummy all the time and I am listened too and respected or Im leaving, Bf saw the light, now he corrects Sd when shes rude, he respects my decisions, after all I treat Sd as I would my bio daughter, I now feel that I make 50% of a decisions, things have changed so much, now I don't feel that awful anxiety when Sd starts misbehaving, because I tell her off and it stops, Daddy just supports me now, It sounds to me as though your hubby wants you to be Mummy when it suits him, you need to lay the law down, its your home too, if he wants you to be Mummy then say yes, say you will raise this child as if he was your own, how can you do that if Daddy is forever over ruling you? I wish you luck, feel free to message me if you need any further advice, our situations sound so similar, after 2 years I've finally won, you can too. I would urge you to do this before you think about disengaging, which to my mind is a last resort.
Remind him that you were
Remind him that you were asked to drop the step-mom #$%^. Discuss your feelings on parenting in private,, get on the same page and enjoy.. Honestly I think you have the right frame of mind and would be a good "mom"..
IMO Giving kids whatever they want because of _______ is the absolute worst way to raise a child.