Am I a terrible stepmother?
So, I'm new here and stumbled upon this site because I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to about this. I used to confide in my sister in law, only to find out that she was using the information against me with my husband and my step-daughter.
Here's a summary of our story. While hubby and I were dating and living together, we found out that we were expecting our first biological child together. He began having an affair that produced a child. We broke up for a while, only to reunite and get married and have been ever since. I tried to bond with the child, but her mother was so vindictive that she ran with her and we had no contact for 2 years. She repeats this cycle whenever she does not get what she wants and it often seems to coincide with me getting closer to the child.
Here's where it get's tricky:
*As much as I try to push away those angry feelings, the child is a constant reminder of his infidelity.
*We don't bond like we should have by now.
*I feel embarrassed and ashamed when people ask how old she is because she and one of our daughters are only nine months apart and only six months apart from our son. So, she's always the same age as one of them.
*I never tell people about her until we've gotten very close and I've known them for a few years.
I could really use some help.
Focus on who you're really
Focus on who you're really angry at...DH. This child is just a reminder of HIS bad actions.
In answer to your question,
In answer to your question, no you are not a terrible stepmother and I'm sure 99.9 percent of women would feel exactly the same in your shoes. The fact you had your partner back after what he did and tried your best to bond with this kid shows that you're a lady with a lot of courage and heart, and I admire you for trying to move on and accept this child. I would never be able to have my dh back if he did something like that, and I would never be able to accept a child into my life which he had created by being unfaithful to me. The existence of this kid is bound to be a constant reminder of his affair and your anger and hurt is perfectly natural in the circumstances.
The fact you haven't been able to bond with her is more than likely down to the fact she has a vindictive bm who's probably jealous he got back with you and tries her best to make life difficult for you and your dh. She is insecure, jealous and malicious and is obviously terrified of you getting close to her daughter as her worst behaviour comes at times when you are building a relationship with the kid. It sounds like the child leads a disruptive life with her bm and is probably being poisoned against you and your dh.
I reall feel for you and I wish I could be of more help, but I just wanted to say you are definitely not a bad person and you have done nothing wrong. Have you had any kind of counselling, as that might give you the chance to talk everything through with someone in confidence? Unfortunately the kid does exist and there's no getting away from that, and she's also a half sibling to your kids.
Hopefully another poster may come along who has experience something like this and will be able to give you more advice and support.
You are not a horrible
You are not a horrible stepmom at all! Truthfully, you should not even be a stepmom at all though. I do not think I would ever be able to take back my DH if he cheated on me and then had a kid around that I had to look at all the time as a constant reminder. I can't even bond with my SD and my DH had her for a year before we got together (we got together when she was 1 and she is 4 now). Every time I look at her, I just see her mother and it infuriates me. This of course is also due to the fact that her mother is a luncatic and has done nothing but try to ruin my relationship with DH the entire time we have been together. It's a very hard situation, but it sounds like yours is worse. I seriously don't know how you do it!
As the others have said your
As the others have said your feelings are understandable.
My advise is to tell your husband that he is to see that child without you. He can take her for a half day at the park and a couple of meals every Sunday. A week or so camping trip or some other longer term vacation during the summer. He does not bring her to your home.
This should also end the bio-mothers need to rale against you as the kid won't be bringing back reports of you and your family. She'll have the full time attention of her father which is a good thing also.
I commend you on wanting to re-build your marriage and I hope this helps you towards that end. I can almost feel my stomach getting upset thinking about how I would feel in your shoes.
You're not a bad person.
You're not a bad person. You're a good one, as evidenced by the fact that you came here to vent as opposed to letting loose on SD, and saying things to her you'd really regret.
I think everyone gave you good advice about your SD by suggesting that you try to remember it's not her fault. Chances are great that she wouldn't have picked to be in this situation either. The person to be angry at here is DH, for doing this to you and bringing an innocent child into this situation. As another poster asked, have you tried counseling? A therapist can teach you great ways of redirecting your anger, and techniques to help you decrease it. Do you exercise? That helps a lot too.
Best of luck.
I'm not going to agree with
I'm not going to agree with the others on this. I don't think you are a bad person. But you dealt with this on an emotional level and now are trying to use your head to deal with it moving forward.
First, you got pregnant out of wedlock. Oops. With someone who was seeing someone else. Oops. He got her pregnant. Double oops. And then you took him back? WTH? So on an emotional level you wanted him back, possibly to make your life easier with the child, idk. But you knew he had the other child, so maybe you should've thought with your head before you took him back? NOW you are using "head" reasons for not bonding with the child. The fact that it is now "tricky" for you is all in your head.
If you accepted him back and married him, who cares what other people think?
You knew that he had this child, so simply accept it and move on. Stop dwelling on her creation. You forgave him enough to take him back, but still hold a grudge toward the child?
Your husband isn't a constant reminder of his infidelity, but the child is?
You are in your head too much, but you aren't thinking clearly. Try thinking from the child's perspective. She is completely innocent.
When I got pregnant, he was
When I got pregnant, he was not seeing someone else (if I'm understanding you correctly). We'd already been living together and were engaged. I did not find out about the other child until she was already about 4 months old, thats when things ended.
Thanks all for your advice. I
Thanks all for your advice. I don't want to put him or her in a situation where they don't feel like she's welcome in our home. I do understand that it's not her fault, that's why I've taken this route. I try to keep it as "normal" as possible (whatever that means). So, I plan trips, outings,and make sure that she spends time with my side of the family too. She calls me Mom, my mom Granny, and my sisters Aunts. So, in her eyes and my families eyes, she is part of the family.
I do get a few sympathetic looks from time to time because they know how hard this is for me. My dad had numerous affairs that produced two half siblings that I've never met. That's how I was raised. It was a dirty secret that we swept under the rug and never dared speak of it.
DH on the other hand has about six half sisters and was raised by his step-mother, so he finds it difficult to understand my position.
My next step is seeing a therapist, because this is starting to take a toll on me and my marriage.
It is hard. I admit, when I
It is hard. I admit, when I took him back I knew that it was not going to be an easy ride but I thought that the wounds would heal with time. However, the wounds are still as fresh as the day that I found out.
This is how he grew up, so this was his norm. He was raised alongside his half siblings while I've never met mine.
DH doesn't understand because
DH doesn't understand because men are different from women. Men duke it out and are best friends afterwards, women fight until the end of time...we don't let things go. He figured when you took him back, you forgave him and that was the end. He does not understand how women work. How could he, when you yourself did not understand how difficult this would be for you?
My exh has done something that is totally out of my control, that creeps up in my thoughts almost daily. Nothing can be done about it now, so me getting upset over it solves nothing. If I let it get to me, I will bawl like a baby. What I have learned to say to myself is, "In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? My kids are healthy, we are doing okay, and we have a pretty good life." You need a mantra, that you can repeat, when it bothers you; you need to find a positive way of coping that eases your feelings about the past.
Thank you so much. I too,
Thank you so much. I too, think about it at least once daily. While I have forgiven him, it's so hard for me to forget it and it seems like he has forgotten. It's been almost ten years since we reconciled and it still seems fresh to me.
I do try to shake those thoughts by looking at what we've accomplished together and how we've grown as a couple and family. There were times when I could not even look at him or her and this morning, I had coffee with the childs's mother at my own breakfast table.
I'd love to put those negative feelings away and exist peacefully. I want to make the best out of a crappy situation.
OMG you are a saint and
OMG you are a saint and deserve an award. First off, it is not the childs fault that the BM but it's also more damaging on the child for her to be in and out of her BF's life. Children need stability and control, I may get crucified for saying, but how does he feel about the child being in your lives. I could NOT do it, if it were me. I'd agree to send money but I'd had told him I don't want anything to do with the child and my children growing up with the product of their fathers affair, especially if shes only in our lives in spurts. That is a hard pill to swallow and do you think you can fully move on with your life, if SD is around ?
He's grateful at times
He's grateful at times because I include her as much as possible. He recognizes the pain at times and he will take the reigns so to speak. I'm a stay at home mom and recently have started keeping her while her mom works nights. I feel that it will be a constant struggle for me.