We've lost her...
Well, we got the judges ruling yesterday and it looks like SD13 will be going to live with her mother.
"the court is mindful of the fact that teenagers may, in general, lack sufficient maturity to weight all of the various factors that should be considered in making important decisions such as these. 'The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence' is the proverbial reminder that all persons, regardless of their age, may not fully appreciate the status quo in thier lives, and may not perceive that their desired change may not turn out as rosy as it looks from where they stand. Weighed against this is the resentment that builds when one is denied the opportunity to find out how green the grass really is. There is always the risk that the move to mother's residence may not turn out to be a success for SD. Ideally the parents will be prepared to deal with this possibility and will allow SD the freedom to learn and grow from the experience while still maintaining all of her familial bonds."
Basically, none of the history matters...she's 13 and wants to move so she's being allowed to and we'll be expected to be there to take her back if/when it doesn't work out. It's pretty much what we expected but we knew we had to fight for what we felt was right and I don't regret that...even if it cost us $10k.
My husband is feeling so hurt and I wish I knew how to help him. BM is so selfish and spiteful that we know SD will be poisoned against him in no time at all. We are however a bit relieved to no longer have to be the bad guy. Let SD find out that the grass isn't greener on her mom's side.
My husband and I have agreed that the only way we are going to be able to deal with this, without being constantly upset, is if we try to stop caring. We will no longer be involved in SD's day to day activities, schoolwork, rules, etc. Let BM have all that "fun". We will see her EOW.
Both SD and BM are in for a rude awakening. We have 3 other kids and they will take priority. We will no longer be helping BM in any way. You wanted to be full time parent...you got it! Enjoy! I do love SD and of course I would like for things to work out for her, I don't want her to go through any more pain than she has to, however it's time for a harsh life lesson: actions have consequences. She made her choice, and the court felt she was mature enough, so I guess she must then be mature enough to handle the consequences.
As upset as we are, I do still find humor in the fact that BM will now have a teenage daughter in her home and all the drama that comes with it. I might actually feel bad for her if I didn't dislike her so much! 
A teenanger SD is hard work!
A teenanger SD is hard work! I feel for you DH , hopefully SD matures and does not resent her Dad .
10 K ! let me just faint...
Yeah, I definitely don't
Yeah, I definitely don't agree with it. She wants to post pictures of herself in a bikini on modeling websites, she wants to give out her birthdate, home address, and phone number on Facebook, she wants to go out with her teenage boyfriend unsupervised, etc...am I supposed to allow her to do all those things as well, simply because she wants to?
Not to mention that this decision doesn't even take into consideration her 15 year old brother (or 3 and 4 year old half brothers). They will still be living with us so this will greatly reduce the amount of time they spend with each other. The GAL actually wrote "there is no indication that this move would negatively impact SD's relationships with her father, step-mother, or other siblings." WHAT?!? Gotta love it...but then again, I keep forgetting that she's 13 and she knows it all. It's just so sad.
I totally disagree with the
I totally disagree with the family court's presumption that Dad will be there to take SD back when she realizes that the grass isn't greener at her Mom's house. That is the dumbest crap I have heard in a long time. Allowing 13 year olds to dictate life choices with huge impacts is the worst thing a parent can do. Teens don't rule the roost, parents do.
I know, right? I don't even
I know, right? I don't even know how I'd react if she were to say she wanted to come back. Of course I want her to know that she's always welcome in our home, but then again, I don't want her to think that she can just come and go as she pleases either, you know? I guess that's another problem for another day.
If you let her go instead of
If you let her go instead of fighting it she would be back by now and you would have 10K.
13 year olds are dumb, they need to messup to learn.
Possibly, we've only been
Possibly, we've only been fighting since October. We thought long and hard about our decision to fight for her. We decided that we couldn't have lived with ourself knowing that we didn't always fight for what we felt were her best interests. You can't put a price on being a good parent and although I can think of other ways to spend $10k, I don't regret it.
The problem is the BM will
The problem is the BM will usually win unless you can PROVE that she will hurt the child.
Kids sometimes need to learn their decisions have consequences.
We knew that would be a
We knew that would be a possibility however we fought 7 years ago and won, both kids. Boy was BM surprised! We were hopful that, this time around, our history and relationships would outweigh something as trival as her age. That was clearly not the case.
Nothing like rubbing a little
Nothing like rubbing a little salt in her wound. I for one, would not care how much money it cost, if I felt something was the best thing for my child, I would fight it to the end.
That's exactly how we felt!
That's exactly how we felt! We knew our chances weren't great but we had to do what we felt was right.
Are you a parent? Good/loving
Are you a parent?
Good/loving parents will fight till the death to make sure their kids are safe. The cost doesn't matter.
I would spend every dime I have and sleep on the street if I needed to in order to keep my son safe.
No matter how this turns out,the OP's husband will always know he didn't just give up on his daughter.
^^^^YEP YEP YEP YEP!!!^^^^^^
^^^^YEP YEP YEP YEP!!!^^^^^^
I'm sorry. We have had to go
I'm sorry. We have had to go through similar but on the other end. SD14 (at the time) wanted to live with us after being with her mom the whole time.
Well, after two months she wanted back with mom. I guess disney dad didn't seem so interesting when he became full time dad.
My feelings were hurt too. You put in so much time, but nothing. I finally had to let go and watch the train wreck that will be her life. She's now 16 and she does poorly in school (2 F's this last quarter, which sums up her whole year) and I suspect she has started or will be starting to drink and party with her friends. BM is going through her own party phase so she's giving SD some freedoms as well or just not paying attention like she should.
SO has now stopped asking about her schooling or her grades because she was just lying about it to him. He just maintains this weird friend/joking relationship and tries to tell her to be careful about things, but its almost like she's an adult. He doesn't try to parent her or control what she does, just says "you should be careful doing that. I don't want you hurt".
I have no idea what he'd think if he realized the partying thing. I honestly think most of the time now he's in denial. He did say he told her that he has two other children that he needs to focus on and put resources in to and since she wasted every opportunity he's given her so far, that's what he's going to do.
You'll get through it. Its so hard to watch, but you'll figure out how to detach.
I am so sorry for the
I am so sorry for the outcome. SD and BM will have to learn the hard way. And I think disengaging from SD's day to day life is really the best thing for you and DH. You have feelings too that have to be protected.
I commend you for fighting for what is best for SD. Sometimes the good guys just don't win.
The judge was right and Dad
The judge was right and Dad is off track if he refuses to be involved in his kids life as you've stated. The bile is showing - not common sense.
She is still his kid. She is still A kid. She needs to test the waters. She needs to make mistakes. She's being allowed to do so from a safe haven as much as you two may hate the BM.
Odds are she'll be back just as the judge said as it won't be as rosy as she thought and BM won't find her kid so much fun either.
Keep her bedroom ready and your arms open. Trust me you'll thank me if you don't carry out your plan of exclusion.
This is not true if BM is a
This is not true if BM is a free range parent. Freedom is what the spoiled ones want. She won't come back to dad because "he has her best interest in mind". She'll stay with BM because BM lets her do whatever she wants.
I didn't say he would refuse
I didn't say he would refuse to be involved in her life. I said he would no longer bend over backwards for SD or BM. He will still see her EOW.
I don't see how she can have it both ways. Either she is still "just a kid", in which case her wishes should not have been granted by the judge, OR she is mature enough to make such a life changing decision in which case she is mature enough to handle the consequences of those decisions.
I am all for letting kids test the waters and make thier own mistakes, however not when it's something so important that will negatively impact thier future. When she winds up a knocked up teen mom like BM, who do you think she'll want to live with then?
If she wants to "test the
If she wants to "test the waters" and live with BM then she can't have Daddy there to run to for everything. She is now BM's responsibility. If she wanted her dad to be the on to take care of business she could have stayed. This is her choice... now let her "test the waters". She may or may NOT come back. Bottom line is, you have EOW, and that is that. Doesn't mean that you will ignore her completely. It means that if she needs supplies for a school project that she forgot about at 10 o'clock at night, that BM will be the one running her to the local WalMart in the middle of the night to get it. Not daddy.
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^
I totally get where you are
I totally get where you are coming from. Testing the waters is for your guys too. We are always talking about how SM's should stop doing for DH's and SK's when they aren't appreciated for the work they do. This is the same type of situation. She wants to go live with mom, now she will see how much dad and SM really did for her. If the lax lifestyle outweighs all that was provided at dads, then she should stay. You don't get the perks of "living with dad" if you don't want to live with him.
"You don't get the perks of
"You don't get the perks of "living with dad" if you don't want to live with him."
Well said. I'm sure I'll be uttering those exact words to SD in the not so distant future!
There is no doubt that the lifestyle at mom's will be appealing to her at first. Unfortunately for SD, it is only a matter of time before BM falls from the pedestal SD has put her on for the last 7 years.
^^^THIS^^^ I agree!
^^^THIS^^^ I agree!
End of summer will be
End of summer will be sufficient to tell the tale. Apparently by then the BM will be allowing her to walk the streets with her no-good friends.
If the girl was at odds with her father so much it may be better this way as she can make smaller mistakes which hopefully she will survive rather than bigger ones in her late teens and twenties.
Kinda like an allowance. Better to mis-spend now rather than later.
Stepmomx2, it is a good
Stepmomx2, it is a good lesson for SD to learn, as well as the BM. And well, it is actually going to hand you some laughs at the incidents that happen due to a new dynamic in BM and SD's life.
Let me tell you, my exh talked BS 14 to coming to live with him, at first I thought no way in hell, this man has never been a father- just Disney dad- I was going to fight. I thought hard on it, thinking well, BS has two parents, I have done all the work so far, why not let both figure out how things really are- not just EOWE. Exh has a wife who has no kids, no plans to. I let it happen, and ohh my, none of them were prepared for all the changes!
I get a laugh out of it, I hear how SM is mean ( I don't think she is), I hear how dad takes SM's side, and better yet, I hear how exh degrades his wife and ignores her rules by telling BS to ignore her...PASing his own wife! I also think it is funny when exh and his wife's dirty laundry gets aired by BS and he knows that I know, you know because when mine and DH's dirty laundry was aired by BS it was a gabfest about how horrible I was. NOW the shoe is on the other foot...he doesn't want his dirty laundry aired as it is annoying as hell.
When we do pick- ups and drop-offs, I can definitely tell exh has a different demeanor than when he was foot lose and fancy- free without having to deal with actually parenting day to day, he is less giddy, more agravated.
Sit back and enjoy watching, it is worth every minute of being pissed off before when you see the changing dynamics- it likely will not be a smooth transition! I am just showing you a humorous side to the situation!
And so it begins... We went
And so it begins...
We went to the ocean this weekend and while we were visiting some shops SD13 found a cute bag that she wanted for back to school. Here's how the conversation went:
SD13: "This bag would be PERFECT for school, you should buy it for me"
ME: What does you going to school have to do with me?"
SD13: "Well, you always buy me stuff for school..."
ME: "That's because you lived with me and I was responsible for all that"
SD13: "Well I still think you should at least pay for half"
ME: "Not going to happen"
SD13: "Well, I'll just call mom and she'll pay me back for it"
ME: "Great idea!"
Now to see how BM responds to
Now to see how BM responds to her request! Good Luck!