This is a REALLY good article about a woman who had little choice but to 'disengage' from her role.

Forums:

http://wearestepfamilies.com/?p=512 This is such a good read, gives such a good insight.

Helena posts here. Great

Helena posts here. Great article Helena!

disengaging saved mine and sd's life and mine and fdh's relationship. had i not disengaged, there is a good chance i would have severly beat her (she was a teenager, not a toddler) and she might be dead and i would be in prison. i'm only half joking.

Ah yes, it's funny actually.

Ah yes, it's funny actually. I remember when I first read about disengaging. DH flipped when he saw what I was starting to do. But on the other hand, he also noticed that when I would get home or even when all 3 of us were out together, I was more relaxed, etc. So I think that positive side, ie. I wasn't as angry at him or her, as I just didn't care about them really...made him be more on my side and not complain much about the disengaging.

On the other hand, I agree with the comment that once you have your own bios in the same house, you have to "engage" to a certain extent. Thankfully, we left the US when our kiddo was 3 and he wasn't old enough to pick up on loser's crazy habits. He saw her only once after that on a trip we made. In a way it tears me up, but I think that even DH did not want loser around our son teaching him her crappy manners, etc.

I know I honestly feel like I

I know I honestly feel like I am all rage and anger and frustration lately. I hate it and it really consumes me. I understand the idea of disengagement but it really concerns me in some ways. What about when I'm solely responsible for the child? What about when me and my man have children of our own? Am I really supposed to treat my biological children differently? How do I treat them the same when I've disengaged for an extended period of time from the stepchild? I don't know that it'd be right to marry this man if I didn't have some sort of real connection with his child. On the other hand, I don't know how to maintain my sanity right now and disengagement's looking pretty good. Still, I wouldn't know how to really let go like that as I am the controlling co-dependent type as well and I still don'e know if that's the best route even if I could.

What about when I'm solely

What about when I'm solely responsible for the child?

-- Ask yourself why you, as a non-bio parent are the only one solely responsible for this child.

What about when me and my man have children of our own? Am I really supposed to treat my biological children differently?
-- I would hope you would. I certainly plan to. No way is my kid going to be raised the way BM and SO raised their kids.

How do I treat them the same when I've disengaged for an extended period of time from the stepchild?
-- Why do you think you have to treat your child and the stepchild the same?

I don't know that it'd be right to marry this man if I didn't have some sort of real connection with his child.
-- Then this is a rule you have set up for yourself. If you are not comfortable with this, then you need to leave the relationship. For me, Dad is separate from his children. They are all individuals. As individuals, I will make an assessment of you based on that. Not on who your father is.

I wouldn't know how to really let go like that as I am the controlling co-dependent type as well and I still don'e know if that's the best route even if I could

--- Was this ever hard for me too!! I was such a mess. I think I finally just hit a breaking point and said this is all I can do to keep myself sane. Either I start taking care of ME or I remain miserable and resentful. I had to re-train myself not to be so concerned with others over myself and what I need. Every time I came upon a situation I just started asking, 'is this what I need right now?' 'Is this going to help ME?' If the answer was no, I did something for myself instead.

This article helps me feel

This article helps me feel normal. I always felt Step parents were supposed to love their step kids and do everything for them. After all the poor things have had to go through their parents breaking up and all. They are the kids of the man you love so you should love them too.
Took me about 6 months to stop thinking like this. Hubby and I got together not long after they split up so I have been there since the beginning. 7 years later I am no better off than when we started. We can be so happy and in love, then the second weekend arrives and I am lumped with his now 14year old. I used to clean his room, make all his meals, buy him lots of things all the time, play games with him, try to help with his schooling, make sure he has a bath, brush his teeth, pretty well everything. It didn't bother me at first, it didn't even bother me that nobody would appreciate the effort I was putting in when I didn't have to. If his son did something wrong or didn't clean up after himself I would tell him (I wouldn't be nasty about it) and Hubby would get angry at me for telling his son off. Fine you can't have it both ways, I have stopped caring, he can run around the back yard with no shoes on in the middle of winter and when he gets sick or gets a rusty nail in his foot, not my problem. He can eat only junk food for every meal and don't expect me to care when he has a tooth ache or pay for his dental bills. I don't care that he is rude to people, he is not my kid. Nobody was putting in the effort for me. But am having a few problems with Hubby over it. If I don't make his son something for dinner he gets so angry and won't eat his dinner. (I used to make his son dinner but he would never eat what I made so I stopped bothering.) To me that seems logical after all he is 14 and should be capable of making himself a sandwich (pretty much all he eats). We had to bring two cars on a trip (6hrs drive) and hubby got angry coz I didn't want his son driving with me. (He can take his own kid) His son pulled out the freezer plug and destroyed hundreds of dollars of meat and Hubby got angry at me for it. The sun shines out his a** he can do no wrong even when it's plain as day he did something wrong Hubby won't admit it and blames me for it. How do I disengage but still keep my marriage. I have done 7 years. Just need to stay sane for the last 4.

How do you disengage when you

How do you disengage when you provide all the care during the week while DH is at work?! :? My DH works 4 12s. He sees his kids Fri - Sun. As much as I try to step back on the weekends, he does not step up to the plate on the weekends. I also have 2 bio-sons and all the chaos from the SDs horrible behavior is effecting my relationships with them greatly. I just want balance and harmony and it's starting to feel like that is not even or ever remotely possible. I love my DH but I'm not gonna make it til his youngest is 18 and out of the house! Something's gotta change and with summer vacation around the corner, I feel a humongous panic attack coming on....and I don't have panic attacks. Well.... I didn't use to. My little step-bombs have changed that!

How do you disengage when you

That is hard when they are

That is hard when they are full time and you have already placed yourself in a position of caretaker.

I used to stop doing little things to a degree. Then built up from there. Just above a noticeable difference. Maybe on the weekends, when he doesn't step up, you need to be out of the house for a while. Take your kids out or take your kids to grandparents or to a friend's. Leave his kids with him. I think building a little separation for yourself physically is the first step. Its how I did it. Physical comes first (a litlte at a time) then the emotional becomes easier.

I used to get panic attacks, CRAZY feeling. All because of THEM???? WTF was I doing to myself??

If he doesn't step up though its not your problem. Just tell him, you have to take up the slack, I'm doing XYZ. After a while, he'll get it or HIS kids will bug HIM for stuff. Also, start sending his kids to him when they come to you for something.

Just try a few small things. You need to feel like you are in control in some way. That's why we get panic attacks, we feel out of control.

Thank you! You are right! I

Thank you! You are right! I have a long list of things to do and places to be tomorrow!! I need to have legit things to do or he will get annoyed that I am gone all day. I think it's time to visit some friends on the other side of town on Saturday. And Sunday too! I think I would rather deal with the mess Monday morning then deal with them all weekend! I have been sending them to their dad more on the weekends, even though I can hear his loud, annoyed sighs from the other room. }:) When they have all this negative stuff to tell me during the week, I have been telling them to wait until their dad calls at 6pm and tell him! Unfortunately, I have NO family here. My mom did move to the state last year, but she is 5 hours away. I am taking my boys to go see her the weekend after school gets out and I'm thinking of making it a 4-day weekend!! And I think I am going to do it as much as finance will tolerate over the summer!

1. Nothing wrong with being

1. Nothing wrong with being disengaged but also sticking up for yourself or your BD
2. Teach BD to disengage from them too if she doesn't get along with them. Teach her to stick up for herself.

Its harder not to get involved when there are step sibs, but I think if BD see's things she will not really want to engage with them anyway.

Tell BD your expectations of her are different because you expect more of her. You can't help that their father doesn't have high expectations of his kids. You are worried about HER though and you want to do the best for her. Its hard. I know.

Windupbird - I SO feel your

Windupbird - I SO feel your pain!! My DH deals with his kids behavior the same exact way! And he does nothing but criticize my relationship with my oldest son from my first marriage. He is 15 and I feel like my DH is just impatiently counting the days until he graduates and moves out. I also have a 3 y/o son with my DH and my SDs behavior is really starting to affect him. He is becoming SO mean! They pick on him, take his toys away, steal his food, tattle on him and blame him for everything. I sent them both to their room today and told them to stay away from him, that I'm tired of them teaching him to be a bully. I am also strict, and while it's hard, I've been trying to back off a bit. I'm issuing consequences at the end of the day because I'm tired of the arguing and the "I forgot" about picking up after themselves, manners, hygiene, etc. And we also have a crazy, manipulative, lying, stealing bitch of a BM!! While I HATE not having weekends to ourselves, it was a blessing in disguise when the judge took away her visitation! I don't have to see her, talk to her, or deal with the OUTRAGEOUS behavior when the girls would get home. And they would come home telling me "my mommy says I don't have to listen to you. she says your fat and stupid and ugly. and that you got her fired and stole daddy from her!" all of these things out of their mouths when the were so little, between 2 and 6!!! If I were you, I'd take my daughter out of the house as much as possible! Let her know she's your #1 kiddo and always will be! Take her to the library, to get your guys' nails done, haircuts, go to the park and swing, go for walks and hikes! Do anything! I've had it with my unsupportive DH and his rude kids. I'm taking my little guy and running errands and visiting friends this whole weekend! And soon we are going on a road trip to my mom's...just me and MY two boys for a long weekend! Best of luck to you!!!

Thanks, good luck to you

Thanks, good luck to you too!! We will def enjoy our alone time! Take care of you and baby girl!

Wow, I have been through this

Wow, I have been through this type of situation before with a previous relationship. I had a SD from ages 4-7 as well with exact same type of behaviors. The thing that worked for us at that time was setting routines and rules then sticking to them no matter what. DH will have to be willing to at least step aside and let you do this if not be a full participant. It worked well for me once she knew the rules and routines. It was rough at first with screaming fits that would last hours and dirty looks and rude comments. It went away when she saw that I also rewarded good behavior and recognized when she did well. There was usually a transition time when she came from BM house too, but it didn't take her long to adjust when we had her. Children crave structure and it sounds like it is your DH that is the actual problem not really the child. I feel for you in this situation when the DH is not supportive of setting boundaries then things cannot get better. Couples' counseling has usually been my go to move in this type of situation too, but sometimes it makes things implode faster if DH is not willing to change anything. Good luck to you.

Hi i am new here but have

Hi i am new here but have been stalking this site for at least 2 yrs now and this article really made me want to join in. The day I told my DH that he needs to realize that me and SD will never be close and thats its a two way steet and she does not want to be close either lifted so much pressure from me and wow it felt good to get off my chest. my DH actully understood too and the thing that lead up to me finally telling him was the smallest indident at home too and one he actully witness. my SD used my razor i could tell just by the way it was jammed back into the holder. anyway i told DH " look she can't even bring herself to ask me for a razor" i have always given her stuff and would gladly give her a razor all she had to do was ask i figued she would start soon and darn if i want to share a razor..gross... after i said that to my DH the rest just came pouring out and wow it was a great feeling. i say people look for a lead in no matter how small and go with it....SD and me have a hello , bye, thanks, please relationship and i am ok with it. she annoys me a lot but i have no expections and i like that part. i may have rambled here a bit but it just feels so good to type this stuff up

Welcome! Glad that your

Welcome! Glad that your honesty worked out with DH. It sounds like you have really gotten yourself in a good place with acceptance of yours and SD's relationship and that you don't let her get to you very much.

Thank you,,,,

Thank you .....I still have

Thank you .....I still have issues obviously otherwise I would not be on venting site but once I told husband my feelings and gave up control since I had none anyway life got better, hard being a step mother to a girl but it seems to get easier.

We all still have things to

We all still have things to work on. Everyday I still have things. I've built up a lot of distance and disengagement, but I still have a lot of negative feelings and hostility towards SD16 that I shouldn't have. At some point, I'd like to just feel neutral. No feelings about her.

You are here

This is a REALLY good article about a woman who had little choice but to 'disengage' from her role.