This is the last entry in my blog, I need all the help and suggestions, I can get
:sick: So we took my stepson to DCFS and of course they found nothing as I had thought. Although the nurse their said that 85% of the time they don't find any signs of sexual abuse, and that often times the kids won't talk about the abuse for months or even years. And like we thought, my SS f'd up mother came unglued that we had taken him in before notifying the her. She thought that we should have taken him to the family doctor first. What a complete B! She also wrote a Freudian slip in her as always well crafted emails saying, "you should have written me to get my side of the story". Thus proving our suspicion that she knew what had happened. What kind of other side can there be to abuse.
Well and my SS has started the sexual stuff already. When we were going home today, from picking him up he I sat in the back with my son, because I don't want him anywhere near him. he turned around three times and I swear that one of those times he was looking straight up my baby boys shorts. Of course to see only his diaper, but still. I questioned if I was seeing things, but then when we came home, he was talking with me and staring directly at my breasts, not glancing mind you but staring. Disgusting, seeing that I am like his mother. I have been married to his Dad for three and a half years, he is well over the phase of I have a crush on my Fathers new wife.
When his Dad asked him about it, he sheepishly fessed up. Nasty little smacker, I know that I shouldn't feel this way but I am scared to death of my little boy being with this child. I can't help my SS because we found nothing, and his mother who has full medical won't allow it. I have asked my husband to move away but he has informed me that unless things get really really bad, he will not leave my SS. How in Gods name am I going to live like this? I am being held hostage in my own home by my spouse and SS. And my husband doesn't believe that this boy is a threat. I beg to differ, my gut tells me he is a real threat, and will be a real real threat to all of us, especially my little man. Any ideas on how I can curtail this with my SS. Do I threaten him with bodily harm if he comes near my son! Of which, I would not act on but it would be just a threat! Is this normal for a ten year old boy to be looking longingly at his SM breasts? How do I survive, and stay sane living in such hell. How do I put the fear of God in my child, so that he knows to stay completely away from this child? And this last question of which many will say I am crazy, but should I have another child? We were planning on having another child actually two before all of this happened, but I had since changed my mind. But I started thinking that my birth son needs to have a sibling that is his blood, so he won't want to go towards his SS in any way, and also because I want another child. Amy thoughts or suggestions will be more than appreciated, or at this point friend request for any of you who would like to be individual sounding boards and advice givers.
Thanxs everyone!!!
If I thought he was a danger
If I thought he was a danger to my child I would be calling child services into my home I think. Surely you have a right to protect your child. However, if you do this you are putting the first crack into your marriage more than likely because your husband quite rightly is going to support his son. Now, that is a real problem because on one hand he is protecting the child who needs the most protecting but he is putting his other child at risk. This guy is between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly would be thinking twice about adding to this family at this time for a number of reasons because I am sure this will get worse before it gets better. But even if the pregnancy were trouble free at some stage you will be out of the home and in hospital having the baby, who will be looking after your son then, his father who thinks his older child is not a risk.
If your gut is telling you something listen to it.
Threatening the boy won't
Threatening the boy won't keep him from acting on irresistable urges. Having more children only compounds the problem by a factor of more than two.
Dad apparently approved of this trip to DCFS so agrees that something is in the air even if he wishes to hide behind the results. That's not to say he'll be as alert as you would be.
I'm sorry I'm not aware of the boys schedule with you - permanently or weekend visitor nor have I read your blog to know what caused this.
But I do know that your gut feeling is worth more than any professional who must have proof before acting. Many a person has been sent to prison, even executed, on circumstantial evidence so don't feel bad if DCFS can't act they're rightfully limited by the law at this point. You're not.
You have to protect your child and sadly I see only one out which is to leave the home. This is not to say you must divorce but simply physically separate until the boy no longer visits or lives with his father. Probably just as unpractical is to live elsewhere when the boy is with his father or the flip side the father and the boy live elsewhere when the boys visits.
What I might do, in that
What I might do, in that situation, is say that SS is coming to visit with his dad so you and your baby are not involved at all. If he lives with you then I really don't know what to tell you, except take him to a therapist and find out if it's just innapropriate learned behavior or something more sinister? Chat with DH about it openly and without hostility. He's still a kid, I can understand you DH's point of view too.
BM has something to hide, or she would not have made the comment "you should have written me to get my side of the story". You are going to have to choose your words wisely, so that you do not pour gasoline on an already volatile situation (so to speak). I suggest you go and get some counselling of your own to help you choose your words, it's a hell of a situation and I really do not think I am in any way qualified to advise you. Meanwhile, try hard to ignore his behaviors and keep a close eye on your child. DH will wake up to the whole thing when he has absorbed the information, the possibility of anything wrong can still be denied in his mind, it is his son after all, we'll ALL defend our own kids, right? I feel for you, I hope things work out.
Just an idea ... get him a
Just an idea ... get him a fantabulous artists box from Crayola and a bulk of paper and let him start drawing. Then keep the drawings and show them to a professional. If he is drawing overly sexual pictures then you have something to work on.
That being said, boys testosterone increases by (on average) 400% between the ages of 8-12 yrs. He may be 'above average'.
I don't know why you think he is looking for your sons genitalia and then staring at your breasts. How were you dressed? Loose top? Tight top? Braless? Boys notice these things.
Remember, this son is your DHs firstborn and important. Who wants to seek treatment for their son with a label as a sexual deviant or pervert? At 10? He only remembers the cute little boy he cuddled. When my OSS was in jail all DH could think about was waking for the early morning feeding and sitting there watching snow fall as he fed his son. not the fact his son was drunk and stoned all the time.
Tread carefully. But I would encourage you to find ways to record his mindset especially with artwork.