SD wrote me a letter
I guess with my finally giving up and knowing that DH will never accept my disengaging from SD she wrote me a letter. Now I am sure DH asked her to write the letter and expected her letter to be nice and the first step to healing but it did the exact opposite. She accused me of trying to come between her dad and her, she accused me of making him chose between her and I, and then implying that my anger is misdirected somehow.
I replied only to her direct comments and then closed off by saying that DH and my marital boundaries have been compromised by their mutual RA. I did want to finally tell it like it is so it felt good to let her know how damaging her games and RA with her dad are.
I am pretty sure that she now understands how big this is and what a huge part she played in this mess. Her response was to stay apart for a while until we can proceed in a postive manner. Sheesh.
She also stated that she never meant to come in between my marriage - not sure how she can think that since everything that has gone on has been about my marriage basically.
I am continuing with my plans unless DH has a serious change of opinion regarding my having to be in a close relationship with his daughter.
20Years-Please remind me-was
20Years-Please remind me-was DH initially trying to force you to have a close relationship with your SD?
That letter she wrote- I wonder if she thinks it was positive and then she said not to proceed unless you can be positive? Does that mean accepting rudeness and alienating, boundary invading behavior? ((((((20Years))))))
Hi IAW, Yes DH was trying to
Hi IAW, Yes DH was trying to force us to have a close relationship. We used to have a fairly good relationship until around 3 years ago when she started meddling in our BS rearing (he is 13 now). Then she and DH got heavily involved in RA against me - I disengaged a few months ago and DH is not accepting that.
Good point you made about her writing we should not proceed until it is more positive. More positive???? I didn't really understand that comment either. Her letter set the tone and I just shot her down - sure she didn't expect my letter to be so factual and succinct. My opening comment was I noticed the negative undertone that has been the status quo for the past few years. I guess she didn't like me stating the obvious. I think you are right in that she means I have to get back in line and take the BS she has been serving me. Never going back there again.
Whatever......I am glad I finally had my say. No ambiguity left for her and DH to discuss. It is all there in black and white.
"RA"...? What does that
"RA"...?
What does that mean??
And don't you love it when people apologize? Yet, it's not really an apology at all?
Bummer.
Hi LRP, RA is Relational (or
Hi LRP, RA is Relational (or Relationship) Agression. There is a blog posted by Step-Aside I think that describes it very well. Basically when 2 or more people gang up on one to further their own agenda etc.
DH thought it might be an apology of sorts or at least an attempt at fixing things, but SD has enjoyed her power for too long and will never give it up.
SD stated in the letter, "I am actually unclear on where I want this relationship to go". That is passive agressive for sure. I did not respond to that comment at all.
Well I gave it to him to read
Well I gave it to him to read and said it sounds like a verbal spanking, and that I was not impressed. HIs face went white and he read it searching earnestly for anything positive that might turn the situation around. No such luck. He didn't say anything really, just that huh well here's one nice sentence LOL.
I have to be straight but I
I have to be straight but I would NOT have responded to her attempts to play the victim card. What would it achieve? Oh right, where SHE yet again casts herself as the protagonist heroine....and didnt she just do this?
How thick do you have to be to realise that actually it was YOU who stated you didnt want to engage with her until she amended her interfering behaviour. Problem you have is that is NOT going to happen when she is aided and abetted by your DH, in fact they usually get worse.
My advice to you is to block her from your email, facebook, phone and if DH attempts to approach you with a letter or regarding this again simply walk away while saying "not interested. You know where I stand on this and your daughter's last attempt at making it up was to attack me. Again..." and KEEP on saying the same thing.
I recall when my DH tried to force me to have skid in our home, he cajoled, got angry, made divorce threats and I kept repeating the same thing and walking away until he got it. If he wanted to leave, then bloody well leave. I told him that calmly and coldly. Emotional blackmail was NOT going to work on me because you know what? I had endured HELL in order to accommodate his child, which included harassment from my BM aided by my SIL. When was it enough? Well I believe thats when YOU say its enough. I was quite prepared for my marriage to break down but I was NOT going to budge on it.
So you mention your DH thought this letter would have an apology in it, so what has been his reaction to it? Am betting some excuse will arise.
Seriously another tip, I made sure I didnt *hide* the problems and DH's atittude from friends and family. Now I didnt wash our laundry in public however if they asked about something or DH mentioned something snidely I didnt sit quietly by, I would always calmly say "I have tried for years but things are only getting worse. Its affecting my health so I have removed myself from the situation..." I wasnt being disrespectful about DH or his son in saying that, I was merely stating cold, hard facts. It also got DH to see that actually many many people wouldnt even put up with half what I had and he saw I had support, so that made him think.
A therapist also helps in these situations, it did with my marriage as I think DH needed to hear it from an neutral outsiders persepctive.
Would DH consider this option?
"Your SD is a prime example
"Your SD is a prime example of delusional thinking going on for so long, that she believes her position makes perfect sense.
I believe by disengaging from her, YOU were actually the first one to come up with the idea of taking a break until SHE could move forward in a positive direction (and keep her lips and mitts off your husband and your marriage)."
You are so right, she is delusional in thinking she is the top dog. What a freak-show. And to say SHE THINKS WE NEED TO BE APART for a while, what the hell does she think? I already initiated the break months ago.
Bottom line is I shot her right between the eyes and she didn't even see it coming. She can send it to everyone she knows for all I care, she is the one who looks bad. Wtih that being said, I WILL not correspond in writing again. This was a one time special deal only LOL.
Whilst I respect that you
Whilst I respect that you felt it important to really lay your position on the line in this letter, and get everything expressed honestly and directly for once and for all, I have to agree with the other posters that the only way forward is not to relate to this person further. Would you relate to a tramp on the street who started shouting drunken comments to you? Would you relate to a beggar who took your coin then demanded notes? Would you relate to a phishing email or pyramid sales letter? NO. These are all pointless communications that waste your time and possibly bring a threat. Same with hostile skids and BMs.
I was obliged to read our BM mad letters to DH historically (till about 2007) because we were not in a financial position to hire lawyers to deal with his various bits of litigation with her. I have never regretted anything so much as seeing into her mind. When she wrote to me directly after I had asked DH to remove OSD from my home, I did not even open the email. Should OSD write me anything now it would by definition be inappropriate.
I remember in my 20s quarrelling with my best friend and then, being abroad many months later and really really regretting the breakup. I racked my brains on how to apologise to her and in the end I decided a simple postcard saying "Sorry. If you ever want to talk, I'm here". She did not respond to that and she may even have found it painful, but at least I caused her the smallest pain I could in the attempt to build a bridge.
Remember, in saying anything more than simply "sorry", the writer is trying to mount a case. To write anything more than "sorry" in that first, initial stage of attempting to mend a relationship, is usually by definition disrespectful.
She stated that she had no
She stated that she had no idea why I would be upset with her!!! She is just being her usual princess self spreading her great advice to us lowly parents who don't know what we are doing in life. What a bitch.
You are right Poodle I will not communciate with her on this again, especially not in writing. But I do feel rather free that I passed the burden. I couldn't care less if it bothers her or not, at least I had my say FINALLY for the last time.