Tough question.....I disengaged completely from SD24 in August and about 99% from SS26 in September. I had just had it with their attitudes of entitlement, etc. etc. And, yes, DH didn't like it (and, for the most part, I didn't care what he thought about it!). Over the past few months, DH has seen a few things in his kids that all of the rest of us see. I think his eyes may be starting to open up just a wee bit! The only time I "broke" disengagement was last week when DH was in Florida and a tornado came through. I sent texts to both skids to let them know he was ok, but unable to get any calls out for awhile. Other than that, they are "dead to me".

So...how much is too much? A better question is, if you give them an inch, will they take a mile? Disengagement is more of a sanity saver for us than it is a punishment for them. We need to know that we can still save ourselves and the world won't end.

I behave in a very similar way with my 2 SDs, who are 16 and 14 ie, don't participate in conversations, physically absent myself or just be where they are not. Like yours, mine are like their BM in many difficult ways. I absolutely loathe everything about her and were it not for the role she is in, in my life, would have nothing to do with her.
I have caller display on the phone and if it is her, I never answer.
My DH would love us to get on, but I think that the fact we don't, in a subconscious way, makes him feel more important. I would never suggest this to him, but when he was in therapy, this therapist did.
I really don't know what the answer is to all this - just wanted to tell you you are not alone.

This is a very good question! I know exactly how you feel when you say how much is too much. My BF has 2 boys, 18 and 19. They live full time with Dad, and I am over a lot. I keep my emotional distance, but feel claustraphobic when I'm in the house for too long with the 2 of them. There is no privacy, and I feel like everything we do gets reported back to Mom. Dad thinks Mom is out of the picture - but I've heard and seen enough to know that isn't true at all. When I see the manipulation, I remove myself from what is happening - but I can go home at least. I show them concern for their futures, show I care by getting their favorite foods and drinks at the grocery store - but emotionally I am totally disengaged. As Eyes Wide Open says, and I totally agree, this is a defense mechanism I use for my OWN sanity! I am not mean, not nasty, just pleasant and distant. It's worked for 3 years now, but as I said, I have an escape pod - home!

I disengaged in October from sd26 and her husband when they moved out of my house wo a thank you or a goodbye. No Halloween basket, no thanksgiving meal invite. Christmas was a little rough but by then dh realized that they'd never invited us to their new place, didn't get gifts for us, never said thanks to us or his patents, never called or checked in. He saw them treat me like shit when I moved in to say merry Christmas... Didn't see them in Jan. In feb was the beer mooching incident. See other blog. Dh is now embarrassed by them and doesn't care to reach out. We took them to dinner for ssil because dh told me he wanted to work on our relationship w them. I told him then that I don't care to have a relationship w them but he's absolutely welcome to And I'll go w him if invited and I'll be home if they come over but I won't ever be the one reaching out to them or calling or testing. He understands and supports me now that he sees the only reason they were ever here was because I made it all happen.

They only call when they want something now.

They won't get an Easter basket like my kids will. I'm certain they'll ignore me for mothers day. I will not call them for fathers day plans. They'll decide what they want to do or not. Last year I spent a ton to take them all to an event... I won't do it again. I don't know how far is too far, but I'm not there yet.

I've been disengaging myself for a month. I am miserable and resentful. SD18 moved in last fall. I have had enough! BF is absolutely blind to her manipulations and pee-pee head games. I have 2 BD's ages 13 and 10, who are watching our home used as a HOTEL. "MY HOUSE"... I'm resentful because it's MY HOUSE. And I feel like I have a stranger living in my home. My relationship with BF... is sitting on a knifes edge, I fear we will not make it to the alter, much less the end of the year. Disengaging.... has been my only way of coping to keep my sanity.

This is a great question. I am working on this myself. SD15 is really annoying me. SS12 not so much. But I feel like if I spend time with one it will be noticed by the other, so trying to be "fair" if you can call it that.

Trying to find a balance of doing it so that SO doesn't take it as me trying to just "get back at him or them" but keep my sanity.

I disengaged from SD17 after a variety of near-coranary inducing events. My DW is actually very supportive of my disengagement. When I am home, I make myself scarce if SD is there. I have encouraged DW to have more "girl time" with SD, so we can reduce "family" interactions to a minimum. In turn, DW has given me more one-on-one time. It's win-win. Also, I now travel a lot for work, so I don't even see SD for fairly long stretches at a time.

I have been disengaged completely from his son for a few months now and my SO does not like it and does not support it. In fact it has come down where I am not even sure if we will stay together because of it. SO is not willing to stand up for me and make his son be respectful and I'm not willing to tell his son how great and wonderful he is, especially when he is NOT great or wonderful!

I have decided to disengage from my ss14, and just within the first week can see a big difference in my attitude.

I have slightly disengaged from my SD 12. Now that I am pregnant with my first child, her snotty and hurtful behavior doesn't bother me as much. By sligthly disengaging, I mean that I don't try to cater to her every whim when she is at our house, I could care less if she ignores me, and I don't feel bad in the slightest about missing some of her sporting events, because her mom and dad are there to support her. Her attitude towards me is actually becoming better because of this, believe it or not.

I'm completely disengaged from my older SD. She's largely out of the house, so it's not that hard, but it does come in handy sometimes. I hate it, I hate spending 3 hours alone in a house with someone and not speaking -- every question I ask her gets a monosyllabic answer, so I only ask crucial things, and I don't speak to her otherwise.

It feels kind of awful, but my trademark Trying Too Hard was even worse

I have decided to try and disengage from the 2 step sons who live full time with their father and I and their step brother , my bio son. It hasnt worked before but after a heart breaking mothers day yesterday I think there is enough fuel to burn the fire, .

I tried the Brady bunch thing when I first married DH. SSs were 15 and 19 and BM was rarely involved. After the wedding, BM decided that she wanted to be part of SSs lives again. After a few years of manipulation, accusations that I had stolen her husband (they had been divorced for two years due to her infidelity when I met DH) followed by accusations that I was trying to steal her children (I have a fabulous BS and didn't particularly want anymore children), and the negative impact on our blended family, I just gave up. SSs are now 21 and 26 and are only heard from if they want something. My BS now 24 has bonded with my DH and has a fabulous relationship with him. Both DH and I have decided to go with the positive and let the other two decide what kind of role they want to have in our family. It was hard giving up the "one big happy family" dream, but it became unhealthy holding on to it! You have to set your priorities and decide when to let go.

I read all the books before getting married and even attended counseling. As a SD myself, I thought for sure our blended family would be a success.....

That didn't happen so now we are 2 seperate families living under one roof. I just want to run away with the skids are there. I feel so bad because that is not the person I want to be ~~ but feel rather forced. I do not want to be around the negativity.....

This sucks..... :sick:

Wow. You did all that work for nothing. I was thinking maybe I should have read some books or had some counselling before and it might have made a difference.

Hi all, I'm new. Can anyone tell me what disengagement means? I'm eager to learn what it is. I think I'm already participating in it. Lol.

YEAH I want to know too!lol