Don't feel sorry for him a bit
So SS19 went to court for his drinking offenses and got 6 months probation. Just talked to DH and he thinks it's a bit over the top:
random drug and alcohol tests, monthly fee, $500 fine plus $300 for something else, community service...
I am so heartless. I told DH I wasn't sorry for him one bit. To recap, he went out one night while staying with us, got drunk, at time expected home, called DH, DH begged him to come home (walking distance), he didn't, and got arrested when he fell down in a parking lot. I warned DH not to sympathize with SS that he's "getting screwed." This was the 3rd underage drinking arrest and he also had a DUI, pot possession and truancy cases. He totally acts like he can do whatever he wants, doesn't listen (three arrests came after DH warned him to be careful--premonition I guess), could get his license back but won't do the mandatory psych visits...what are you going to do with someone like that?
I said, he's lucky he's not in jail.
This was the 3rd underage
This was the 3rd underage drinking arrest and he also had a DUI, pot possession and truancy cases. He totally acts like he can do whatever he wants, doesn't listen (three arrests came after DH warned him to be careful--premonition I guess), could get his license back but won't do the mandatory psych visits...what are you going to do with someone like that?
**********************************************************
wow!
Lizzie, don't feel sorry for him
Life is all about choices, he's choosing to do this to himself and has to suffer the consequences of his actions
if it were his first offence, I may feel differently but from your recap of his actions, I'd say you're spot on
I think he should consider
I think he should consider himeself lucky that he didnt get something more severe. Most counties now have a drug court, a special program for people with repeated alcohol and drug offenses. It is a very tough and strict program but it can turn someone's life around.
He's going back to BM's. It's
He's going back to BM's. It's her problem, due largely to non-parenting and freezing DH out of his role.
Something similar happened to
Something similar happened to a worthless nephew of mine. He went on his merry entitled way while on probation, failed the random drugs tests, went to jail. Nobody's fault but his own.
Your SS is lucky--I wouldn't feel sorry for him at all. I hope this is a wake up call for him.
He might need to hit rock
He might need to hit rock bottom. Your dh should not be lenient with him or he will drag you both down. If he wants to continue to wreck his life there is nothing you can do accept leave it to the authorities, they will be looking over his back.
For your ss it's easier for him to get into a mess but way to hard to stay honest and clean. He needs to THINK before he gets into trouble. There are consequences for poor behavior especially breaking the law. The next time this sort of thing happens he needs to be in jail, and your dh should not bail him out. Let his son think about what he is doing not only to himself but to his father and you.
Think about yourself because your ss is not thinking about you...
Yes you do toss them out.
Yes you do toss them out. It's scary and they may indeed end up dying in a gutter somewhere. But its necessary for them to hit bottom before they'll do anything. Sometimes bottom is only one more arrest away and sometimes they stop only when the liver quits.
Helping them get to the bottom by not aiding them is the only choice.
Ask dad to Google AA and go to the section for relatives and friends of alcoholics where he will find out more about this and get the encouragement he needs.
Thanks for your input, all!!
Thanks for your input, all!! Actually, SS is reminding DH of his own brother, who died a few years ago. After a promising music and DJ career (back when it was big money), he became a druggie and alcoholic. He refused help and mooched off his mother and other relatives for years.
It's like he's boxed himself in. He blew it here, where there are actually opportunities, to remain in a rural depressed area with NO jobs. No license. Now deep in debt to his family and the court. It looks pretty bleak. BM said he'd spent the last two weeks partying and working a little, just enough to get by but obviously not save enough for his own attorney, which the family got together and paid. So now SS is sick (run down) and DH is taking him to a clinic.
There is a real lack of responsibility, to get a plan and do something besides drift and party, able to do so because he lives at home with BM. I'm concerned that SS is going to fill the "brother" spot in the family, the sick one everyone feels bad about but coddles.
So DH and I get to watch from the sidelines, with little power or authority to change anything. I'm thankful he is NOT staying here with us. I am disappointed because we could have offered him many resources socially and career-wise. But he doesn't want them.
DH was annoyed last night by some of the things I said and I got that sidelined feeling that us SPs get. Then I thought--I don't care what anyone thinks. I am legally part of this family and I have the ability to be more objective about the situation. Not that I'm going to force my opinions on anyone but I refuse to feel like a fifth wheel. Reminds of another poster who got left out when her SO went to the hospital for his son with everyone else but her there. Crappy! I'm seeing some weakness in DH--if it was my kid, I'd tell the rest of the family to STOP enabling him, not pussy-foot around it all. I'd also lay it on the line with SS, understanding that he won't listen but at some point, he may remember the words of TRUTH.
Dad is delusional. He
Dad is delusional. He literally got 3 strikes before he had any real repercussions. Welcome to being an adult, you make a stupid choice and you face the punishment. If he is smart he will behave and follow the rules and finish his probation and get back out of "The System". However, if he is stupid and continues to screw up, he will keep digging deeper and deeper and start facing jail time. He is just lucky he doesn't have a felony yet because once that happens, good luck on getting a job or even renting an apartment.
You are correct, he deserves ZERO sympathy, but trying to tell Dad that is a waste of time. If dad whines about it, just say "He did the crime, he gets the punishment" and nothing else, if even that.
Amen! It's like running
Amen! It's like running around putting a pillow under them so they have a soft landing...
In good news, today SS seems determined to get this thing under control and take care of business....I hope it lasts!