Issues with my boyfriend, his daughter, and me
Boyfriend has main custody of his 12yo daughter. She sees her BM every other weekend and once a week.
I have no children but have always done/been very well with kids. Somedays we all get along just fine, but at least half the time there are issues. This situation is new to all three of us. My boyfriend and the BM have been divorced for a year and I'm the first serious relationship since then. We live together, well, trying to.... Here are my issues:
#1-I know she's at the puberty age, but she is soooooo moody! One day she's happy, the next she gives short answers, won't talk and stays in her room. Then he spoils her (even more) to try and get her in a better mood. Which I believe she is now figuring out this trick and does it on purpose and he let's her.
#2-If i say anything to him that is negative, criticizing, or even comment about her or something she does wrong, he gets mad and we argue. This includes me getting mad at her dog if it chews up something of mine or messes on the floor.
#3-she is very messy and doesn't pick up after herself. She will even make a mess in the kitchen after I just cleaned and leave it there. If i ask her to pls help me clean up her mess because I just cleaned, she does with an attitude and then I say thank u and she says "yep".
#4-her bedroom and bathroom are always a mess and if I bring to boyfriends attention, he gets mad, sighs, and rolls eyes at me.
#5-he once asked me if i minded her friend staying over the weekend and I replied as long they pick up their mess andclean up after themselves (because i had just cleaned). He then gave me a stare and then looked at his.daughter and then rolled his eyes at me on front of her. I felt this to be very disrespectful and discredits me and my role as an adult female figure in this house.
He says he never makes her do chores and rarely disciplines her because he feels that she's been through enough with the divorce and I also think he does this to keep from being the bad cop and be the cool good one. I then told him my opinion of that which of course led to argue. I know people especially parents dont like to be criticised, but he has the guilt thing instead of teaching.g her respondsibilities and respect.
This is a first for me, so I'm just not sure how to handle these situations or what to do to better cope with things. Sometimes I feel like I'm an outsider, or a third wheel and that I have no say or opinion in things when I live here too. I come off as the bad cop because both her BM and BF are like in competition to see who can spoil her more or get her to like being with them more. I feel like she's the woman of.the house and not me which i don't think should be that way I've told him before that he doesn't give me enough respect or credit or back me up in front of her. They seem to team up against me. How.do I handle this or what are some tips for us all to get through this? Like I said, its new to us all...
More than likely, this is
More than likely, this is going to get worse as she gets older.
Just divorced? She said it's
Just divorced? She said it's been a year. How long are people suppose to "stop" living after divorce? Maybe they have been seperated before the actual divorce. Sure kids have to grieve but they DON'T get to be rude and disrespectful. And they have every right to make a go of a relationship and live together if that's what they want in their lives. Nobody is throwing anybody in this girls face. This is life. People divorce. People move on. And sadly kids are caught in the middle. BUT that surely doesn't give them the right to rule the house or be the husbands "mini" wife.
Unicorn76.... this will not get better. He has shown her that what you say doesn't matter. The eye rolling in front of her just told her pffft don't mind her or what she says. That shows lack of respect for what part you play now and again later in this relationship. She will run your home. She will run him. She will dictate every single bit of your life. Put the foot down now and save yourself heartache.
This will probably never
This will probably never change and fighting may get worse amongst everyone. Father and daughter will always stand as a team against you.
You will always feel like the outsider and may never get any respect as the other head of household. I was in the same situation. I am now out. Sorry to be so negative but that is the way it usually goes.
RUN FOR THE HILLS! Find
RUN FOR THE HILLS! Find someone single with no children. Seriously. I wish someone would of told me this - you are strong and can find love again. This is a battle you will NOT win. Leave now and move on or deal with this crap for a very long time. It is your choice. He will ALWAYS choose his daughter before you. He loved his daughter first NOT you. Smartin up girl! Leave while you can!
They've been divorced for a
They've been divorced for a year & you're already living there? How long have you been together?
That's a lot of change for a 12-year old girl to deal with in a short time.
IMO, you're living together too soon. You already know he fails to parent his child. You already know he doesn't care about living like a slob. You already know he spoils her out of guilt. You're already aware that he is fine with allowing her to be the woman of the house.
My advice, cut your losses now. Guilty parents tend to keep the apron string in tact well beyond the age of 18. Be prepared to play second fiddle & third wheel for years & years to come.
My advice- RUN! Believe me, I
My advice- RUN! Believe me, I wish I did before I married my DH. We have been together for 3 years and nothing has changed, after NUMEROUS arguments, me leaving then coming back when he promised to change, & even counseling. My DH is "guilty dad" and refuses to parent SD, just allows her to basically run the house and disrespect me. My DH does the same thing as yours, with basically telling SD she doesn't have to listen to me. From experience, I do not think this is going to change. You just have to decide if it's something you want to live with (hint: it's not worth it).
Oh dear, if you and him do
Oh dear, if you and him do not have kids together, listen to everybody's advice.. Run!!! Dont look back... If I could turn back time, I wont marry my husband.