should i be afraid?
i need some calm advice...what i mean is don’t just say "leave!"...sometimes is not that simple and that advice is not always right...however, I’m open to hear it if you REALLY mean it.
situation: manipulative, disrespectful DS12...guilty, not very consistent, well intentioned DH, well adjusted, respectful and happy BS10 and me 
we all live together for the last 8 years. 100% of the time.
SD is always pushing limits, lying and manipulating daddy. very smart, secretive, disobedient dark little girl. now a preteen, things have escalated and the behavior got quite rotten. She is in her room 90% of the time, doing passive aggressive stuff to me and my son, disrespectful stuff to our family.
Here is the thing that I need advice on: I disengaged from her a year ago, and in a way it was the best thing ever (no more rides, gifts, worry about homework, her social life, her weight, nothing) but in other ways it has been a mayor problem for our family.
her actions and my reactions to her actions AND my hubbies non reactions 
have taken this marriage to the edge more than once in the last year.
She has been trying “to get back at me” for disengaging and tried many things...some worked (I got pissed when she broke stuff) some others didn’t (I didn’t care when she stole stuff). I heard her say she wanted to kill me…yes I know that a lot of kids say these things….BUT for the last couple of months she has hinted that the only thing that would make me sad is if something happens to my son. Little comments like “I bet you would cry a lot if I kill BS10”…or I found a piece of paper written by her saying “I know just the way to kill the bitch and is not by killing her”…and other lovely things like this.
Should I be worried? Is this normal hateful preteen stuff? Please help me think…I don’t want to overreact but I don’t want to look that other way….and please don’t ask me what my hubby thinks? You all know that if I bring this to his attention he will be say that I overreact, that maybe she didn’t say those exact words, etc. we would end up in a fight and I would get no help or clarification.
My FSD15 is a manipulative,
My FSD15 is a manipulative, disrespectful spoiled little bitch and she is super passive aggressive saying things to my bd8 when no one is around etc. But never has she said anything like that. You should be worried and afraid. Have you questioned her about it?
I think she needs some therapy or a psych eval! I'm serious. And maybe you have already done this but you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DH and tell him you are afraid for your childs safety and your own and if he doesn't give you the time of day, sorry to say I know you don't want to hear it but I would leave. My life and my childs life is more important than anything and at this point, are you even sure she wouldn't do something terrible?!
Holy crap. If my SD even
Holy crap. If my SD even suggested even jokingly that she would hurt my son, my dh would have a choice to make. She'd be gone or we'd be gone. You already know your dh won't take it seriously. What does that tell you about whose side he will take? There is no way my son would be left in harm's way for one more second. This is NOT normal preteen or teen behavior and musings.
Yes. You should be afraid.
Yes. You should be afraid. If I choose not to leave I would get her some help and NEVER, NEVER leave my son in the same room with her alone.
yes, he will tell me i made
yes, he will tell me i made it up, or that im trying to get her in trouble. he will also say something that is true which is that the kids have ok times together…not so much lately but they do not fight, i dont SEE behavior that shows any kind of animosity from her to him BUT she has so much hate for me that im thinking that it does not matter how much she likes him...
SD is full of ugly feelings, I know that, I can see it in her eyes, it pains me to see a smart girl so hurt but there is nothing I can do, now Im trying to find it in my heart and my mind if I truly believe she would be capable of harming my son…I don’t think so…but there is that part of me that tells me to doubt….gosh, it is a hard call….
a therapist recommended a psychiatric evaluation, but hubby said NO very strongly and SD stopped going to see the therapist and since im disengaged I let daddy make those decisions ( I did tell him that I disagreed, and then dropped the subject)
Someone posted on here
Someone posted on here recently an article about a young girl killing her half sister (I can't remember the exact details). It was a link about a week ago to an article on CNN.
Remember, disengaging helps you cope, but you CANNOT put your son in danger. As his parent you have an obligation to protect him. I am not saying leave but I am saying lay down some rules with DH about it. If he thinks you're paranoid, well ok let him think so.
Don't waste time trying to
Don't waste time trying to figure out if this is normal or not. Keeping your son safe is the only thing that matters.
This behaviour in a child is
This behaviour in a child is not normal, but in a way who cares? The point is that you should not have to live in a home where you daily and nightly harbor these fears and have to deal with them without your spouse supporting you, even if just by listening or trying to explore the issues further. You will make yourself ill if you stay in this situation with no big change.