SSon has been sexually molested by Grandfather, what do I do?
Hey everyone. We are about 99% sure my stepson was violated by his maternal grandfather several weeks ago. His mother was also molested by her growing up. The bad thing is that she has full medical decision making for him, even though my husband has joint legal. DCFS is involved by it will be several more weeks before they will start their investigation. My SSon came home a completely different child, filled with rage, deceit and contempt for everyone around him. then the sexual stuff started. Last week he had a talk with my husband about Anal that was way to detailed for someone of his age or for someone who has never experienced it.
I have a two year old son of my own, in fact before this happened, we were planning on getting pregnant again. I have since decided this would not be a good idea, seeing that as we try to get my SSon help his mom will be in the way the whole time, with lawyers and her endless amounts of money. Her main goal in life is to protect her secret about having been sexually abused. +
So here are my concerns, one how on earth will I ever protect my son for the next eight years from his half sibling? The therapist I have spoken with have said even if these children get help, they can molest when they reach the teenage years. Two, would I ever dare to have anymore children? My fear is that I know myself and I know that I will not always be able to watch my children 24 seven when my SSon is hear. Three, I don't know how to get it through my husbands head that no matter what happens with my SSon that he will always be a risk to younger children, or at least until he becomes a man and understands himself better. My husband also wants to try and get full custody of this child, which I now don't want, I can't live with this all the time. My life has become a prison overnight, I feel like me and my son have lost our freedoms overnight!
I think you need to be honest
I think you need to be honest here, hiding things don't work, that is what happened years ago, it was all hushed up, be honest with your SS, with the support of the therapist, I was assaulted when I was 11, I was so innocent, I did'nt know what had happended, I was more worried about his bad breath, it was all hushed up, SS needs to understand that what happended, was'nt normal and not fair, I have never had an urge to hurt anyone this way, I think that if SS talks about this with his therapist and his family, there should be no reason why he would do this to someone else, now when its hushed up, they don't talk about it and they don't understand what happended, then they don't know that its wrong, what do they do with the pain and the hurt if they can't talk about it? I know you are worried about your son's innocence, but what about this poor kid, he has'nt become infected with Pervertitus you know, you hav'nt said how old he is? You could talk to him again with the support of the therapist that it is not ok to talk about what happended with you bio son, as he is too young, I am no expert on this subject but it did happen to me, I know that the important thing for me was being able to talk about it, not with other kids just my Mum or an understanding adult, as I grew older I then understood what had happened to me but my Mum helped me through it, your SS needs help, he did'nt ask for this. Lets be honest even if he did tell you bs everything at this stage he would understand nothing about it and I highly doubt that your ss would want to discuss this with him in the future, If it was up to me, this Grandfather would be physically castrated and then put to death. I think you are worrying about the wrong things here, this poor kid has been violated by someone he trusted, with love and support there is no reason why he can't carry on having a functional normal life.
My Ss has been horrifically
My Ss has been horrifically abused by his stepfather. We have gone through hell and back and it's still pretty bad. Please send me a private message if you would like to talk. A lot of what you are feeling I felt too. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I would appreciate very much
I would appreciate very much the ability to be able to message you privately. Thank you so much! Do I just hit reply, or how do I do a private message? I feel incredibly alone in all this.
I do NOT believe that every
I do NOT believe that every person who is abused becomes an abuser. Otherwise, with so many years of sexual abuse, just about everyone in this darn world would be a sexual predator. Of course, you need to watch out...but you should watch out regardless.
I am sorry he is going through this and that your family has to deal with this, but please, don't take it out on the child...he's done nothing wrong...watch your kids, yes, but don't start doubting this child who is a victim here.
99% would seem to be enough
99% would seem to be enough to make a report which I would hope would result in at least a police visit to Grandpa.
To protect your son I think you're going to have to give him extensive knowledge of what can happen, whose fault it is and isn't, and why its important that he talk to you or someone at school if he thinks something happened. Knowledge is power and your kid needs it from an early age and it needs to be reinforced over the years as he grows. I.e. a 'review' and updating age wise of his knowledge base.
As to your pregnancy or not - it would likely be especially bad if the child was a girl and too young to have the knowledge your son will have. I don't think you'll find an easy answer to that one here.
I understand your feelings
I understand your feelings right now...you are a mama cub protecting her young. If BM won't keep SS away from molester...you have no choice but to take him in. You are going to need a lot of support around this. I know you're afraid but I agree that this doesn't mean your SS will hurt his brother. SS will get therapy and not hurting others will be part of it.
I feel for you too, it's a
I feel for you too, it's a heinous thing to take a child's innocence like that. I agree that because it was hushed up before that's the pattern they WANT to take now. I suggest that you advocate for SS in this case, like the other poster said 'it's not his fault'. Long term you will have a much stronger bond of trust with SS if you do what's right for him NOW. I believe, that with the right help, it's not always the case that the abused turns into the abuser.
I fully understand your fears, I would have HUGE reservations my own self but I would also have some faith in my own ability to apply common sense and the support of husband. At some point there has to be a break in the cycle.
I know of one child who was abused, not that long ago as he's only 10, and his step dad tells me that it turned him into a sociopath, devoid of emotion, because there was NO communication on the issue until the serious psychological damage was done.
I urge you to tread carefully, though, some people who have been abused are so far into denial, like the mother before him...not to mention countless others in the family? So far into denial that they believe their own 'sense of truth' about a situaton. There is NO shame these days, on the contrary, it seems like a whole bunch of people have come forward with stories of how they were abused. Seek some professional help to deal with it though, I know I would have NO clue how to deal with it on my own iether.
Wow - just report it. It's
Wow - just report it. It's that simple.
My ExW's step-grandfather molested her oldest stepsister and it had an impact on the family for years because it was swept under the rug. This will be a cancer and will impact generations if you don't bring it to light.
And everyone else needs to realize that this guy is a monster. He's not the person that everyone thinks he is.
To give a little more info,
To give a little more info, we have and are reporting it to child protective services. They are stalling saying that we don't have enough info, lets me understand why we have the second lowest rating for DCFS in the country. Also, we are getting my SSon in for an evaluation today. The problem is that his mother has full medical decision making and will have the final say as to whether he gets therapy or not, depending on the findings of DCFS. Well we are also highly suspect that he has told his mother because whenever he refers to this kind of abuse, he talks about how abusers should be helped with there problems. He has also said twice that he doesn't want to say anything that will send his Grandfather to prison. We are doing everything in our power to get him help. I understand fully well that he is the VICTIM in all of this! Unfortunately though his mother has a lot more money that we do, to go to court. She turns everything into a battle, and she is highly manipulative with my SSon.
My concern for my son is high because of our circumstances with his mother and not being able to get my SSon the help he needs right now. If we do get him help, she is so highly secretive and manipulative, that she will mess with his mind s to what happened, and how to deal with it. She is a sociopath in every word of the sense. As someone says in here, the longer you wait the harder it is. My stepson has already started to try and control my son and to show to much physical affection with him. As much as I love my SSon and would do anything for him, my first priority is to protect my son from having his half sibling do something to him!
To give a little more
To give a little more info,
new
Submitted by CJ38 on Fri, 05/18/2012 - 9:55am.
To give a little more info, we have and are reporting it to child protective services. They are stalling saying that we don't have enough info, lets me understand why we have the second lowest rating for DCFS in the country. Also, we are getting my SSon in for an evaluation today. The problem is that his mother has full medical decision making and will have the final say as to whether he gets therapy or not, depending on the findings of DCFS. Well we are also highly suspect that he has told his mother because whenever he refers to this kind of abuse, he talks about how abusers should be helped with there problems. He has also said twice that he doesn't want to say anything that will send his Grandfather to prison. We are doing everything in our power to get him help. I understand fully well that he is the VICTIM in all of this! Unfortunately though his mother has a lot more money that we do, to go to court. She turns everything into a battle, and she is highly manipulative with my SSon.
My concern for my son is high because of our circumstances with his mother and not being able to get my SSon the help he needs right now. If we do get him help, she is so highly secretive and manipulative, that she will mess with his mind s to what happened, and how to deal with it. She is a sociopath in every word of the sense. As someone says in here, the longer you wait the harder it is. My stepson has already started to try and control my son and to show to
Take him to the ER, have an
Take him to the ER, have an exam done regardless if the mother has sole medical decision making or not. If she is aware of this and is not doing anything about it, his father needs to. I don't think any judge is going to look at the situation and throw the book at him for violating the order in this situation. Also, read the wording of the order. I don't believe that this means the dad cannot obtain emergency medical attention for his child. That is ridiculous. The ER will then have to notify the appropriate authorities as they are mandatory reporters and an investigation will have to be started.
What kind of father would not
What kind of father would not already by on the rapists' doorstep by now beating or at least scaring the shit out of the old pervert? Is this grandfather a particularly scary guy who is bigger and more violent than your husband?
I don't normally advocate violence but if I found out someone raped my daughter, I'd be on their doorsteps in an instant screaming blue murder. I'd also report it to child services so of course you have done the right thing there too.
That is the natural reaction,
That is the natural reaction, but then we would end up in prison, and his awful mom would have him and my son would have no parents.
My nephews were molested and
My nephews were molested and honestly there is almost no way to prove it. My sister went to DCFS etc.. but the physical evidence generally isn't there much. He really needs to say something and I would defiantly let DCFS know GF abused BM.
Why would she let this guy take care of her child????!!!! Makes me sick. I'm so sorry.
Fight, fight, fight.
I was molested & the perp talked to me about how to lie on a lie detector test to keep from having him put in jail. It made me feel so ashamed to agree to this and even laugh with him about how I would do it. I hated myself and felt sick with toxic all over shame. That is about the biggest shame I carry, my 6 yr old agreement with him to betray me and have me help me get away with it.
This little boy knows in his heart that what is happening is wrong. You turn old over night. Please talk with him and tell him no one, ever, ever is to touch anywhere his bathing suit covers and if they have it is NOT his fault no matter how he feels and what they say. Tell him people like this will tell him to keep secrets but there should be no secrets and he did nothing wrong and he won't get in trouble if he tells you about someone touching him. Explain that this is wrong of the person NOT him. it might help if you say the person (GF) who touches a child that way has a sickness & needs help so if he is sympathetic to GF he will verbalize it to help him.
How old is the ss? I would be very worried too. If you see any inappropriate behavior your first duty is to protect your bs (may want to move out).