My experience so far:

PROS:
- less stress on my marriage with DH thinking I hate his kids
- less stress on me personally feeling responsible for the skids whom I never had any control over
- more control over myself

CONS:
- SS6 and i didn't get along before, now I am a ghost in my house to him
- DH is left on his own without any involment from me where his kids are concerned as far as school, expectations, general behavior and rules - how they turn out is going to be unfortunate
- my bios have rules and expectations and sometimes feel its unfair to them

What I don't know is where to go from here. Can I really live in a house for 12 years with strangers - because that is basically what SD and SS are becoming, SS is 6. At a minimum there are 12 more years. He ignores me now, we don't speak, SD12 and I have some contact and get along ok but I see distance coming. What happens next? If the skids fail in life, will DH still point the finger at me?

Pros:

- My life is my own again.
- I no longer have to worry about things that are not mine to worry about (God, grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change).
- My DH and I no longer fight over the SKIDS.
- My DH has stepped up to the plate to be a father to his kids and many of the *worst* behaviors have been dealt with.
- I don't deal with BM AT ALL. Thus, I have ZERO drama from her.
- The less that I am involved with the SKIDS, the less BM PAS's them from their father - so the SKIDS are happier and healthier.
- The SKIDS get more time with their father, SD10 rarely feels that she has to compete with me anymore, SS10 is... well, "coming around."
- I feel like I have my sanity again. I defined what behaviors I wouldn't put up with to my DH, told him he would have to deal with them or I would, and I don't concern myself with the rest.
- I come on here to vent about the stuff that DOES bother me, but I don't vent to my DH about most of it - and now we don't fight over the petty sh*t anymore.
- They simply are. not. my. kids. and. i. am. NOT. responsible. for. them. Key word: Responsible. I am NOT their parent and it is NOT my place to act as one. Those children already have two parents that are, in their ways, taking responsible for them. It's freeing to actually accept this FACT.
- The SKIDS are actually a *little* afraid of me because I am the only person in their life that quietly and respectfully asks them to quit acting the way they are. I don't tolerate their crap. This makes them fear me. I also respect their boundaries, their belongings, their time with their father - and I fully expect them to do the same for me. Not being overly involved and disengaging has allowed me to step back and breath. Now, in our own ways, we are actually beginning to slowly build some mutual respect.

Cons:

1. The judgements ("Evil Step-Mom" label) from people who still buy into the "Brady Bunch Fantasy" idea of what a blended family should look like when they've never blended a family before and really have no f*cking clue what it's really like.

^ But really, I don't give a crap what people think. It's just annoying to have to expend the energy to roll my eyes at them. I've got better things to do. I usually offer up an afternoon with the SKIDS, you know, in the event that they feel they can do better than I can. People (including family) who know those kids, won't even come around when they are around because of how bad they act. So... yeah.

2. It hurt my husband - AT FIRST - for him to realize that I "want nothing to do with his kids." HOWEVER, he loves how we no longer fight over the SKIDS anymore. So the ends justify the means and we are a much, much happier couple for it.

I hope that helps. I could come up with more pros if needed.

The trick is to not be all balls out, "I hate your kids and want nothing to do with them."

A Step has to start slowly. Take baby steps. When a situation arises with a SKID, ask the bio, "And what do YOU feel about that?" Or, "And what do YOU plan on doing about that?"

Those are two very basic questions and the answers to which are very, very important.

If the bio doesn't feel that X, Y, or Z is a problem - then neither should you (unless the SKID is being abused). But if the bio doesn't care that their child won't bathe or brush their teeth, why should you? If the bio doesn't care that their child can't read or is failing math, why should you? That child is NOT your child. YOU are not their parent. YOU have zero control. If the bio doesn't see it as a problem, it's not a problem.

Then, if the bio doesn't plan on doing anything about it. (shrug). So be it. If bio has a plan to take care of X, Y, or Z - support them. Let them do all of the work. I lift my DH up by telling him, "That sounds great. Good job dad." Even if I didn't wholey agree with him. But you know what happened? He started stepping up more and more. He started making more complex decisions. He started dealing with more of their bad behavior.

I just let HIM be their dad. I mean, wow. Imagine that!

It was hard for me to keep my mouth shut at first. But it gets easier as time goes by. And boy oh boy, do I enjoy having that mental space back.

pros
- My anxiety and panic attacks are gone
- I stopped xanax
- I feel much more in control of my life
- Don't go to therapy anymore.
- I don't stress over that which does not involve me
- SO and I fight less and over things that are relevant.
- Because SO now deals directly with SD16 without any input from me, he see's SD16's personality for what it is
- SO started really parenting (somewhat, not completely) his children more instead of only doing fun stuff. He also yells at them when he should (mostly). Now if he doesn't parent, its because of BM and not because of me. (They live with BM what can I do? - excuse)
- I get so much more accomplished on the weekends and feel more relaxed after the weekend is over than I used to. No more following them around and having my time affected by skids and SO's on the fly schedule. In fact, I LOVE when they go out so I get the house to myself and can do nothing.

cons
- No one gets to hear how right I am and will be in the future.
- Skids don't benefit from help that they could really use from me.
- There have been weekends when I didn't see SO the whole time because he was out with skids (not really horrible though- breaks are good!)
- Still frustrating to watch spoiling, but have to keep my mouth shut.
- Since SO has decided to be more involved and know what nonsense SD is up to, he talks to BM more. That annoys me.

The pros for me are that it's nothing to do with me - I don't have to bother interacting with the SDs or pretending I'm interested in them.
Cons - occasionally I would love to tell the SDs exactly what my opinion is of them or something they've done, and I can't.
I feel lonely EOW when DH is off with them, being a Disney Dad - and I feel he and they should have grown out of this by now - they are 17 and 15.

I dind't perceive any negatives.

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me

Here's my issue with disengagement (and take it with a grain of salt because I've never actually engaged). They aren't our kids or our responsibility but a lot of the things you all disengage DOES affect you. There are disengaged women on here who have rooms in their homes with pissy blankets, moldy towels, month old food, shitty underpants, a year's worth of laundry. There are women who have to do the dishes and cook because the dh will not step up. If the kids don't shower or brush their teeth, there is a stench around them. And bills that will come later in life to take care of their nasty ass teeth, etc. All of these things DO affect us and especially if there are other children in the mix. If SD doesn't wash her hands, I have to scrub walls to get off prints. I have to worry about DS getting sick because she touches all his stuff. Some of these kids are walking health hazards.

To me those are the cons. I can't do it. I'm not engaged, but I'm not disengaged either. My house will stay clean. She doesn't have to like it or me, but she will clean up after herself and keep her body clean or she and dh can live elsewhere. I've found that my lack of desire to be "liked" by her has helped me lay out my boundaries from day 1. That said, I also have the support of my dh who was also aware from day 1 that I won't deal with disrespect of me, my property or my living space. Bottom line, without me their life as they know it ends.

My version of good bad and ugly of disengaging:
GOOD -- freedom from consequences of other's bad choices, freedom from barbs/spite/rancour from SKs and pressure from ILs, freedom from BS, more room for needs to be met for myself and family, more space in my home, more time in my life, total reduction of aggro with DH
BAD -- having to persuade my mother and sister that this was a moral approach -- not so much bad as I did end up convincing them, but was very hard work over the years
UGLY -- having to accept my DH's blinkeredness and limitations for what they are, realising my marriage was not the most fulfilling because I began not to respect him as a parent or as a husband as I had at first. But since it wasn't truly fulfilling anyway, might as well realise it and take it from there. The honesty advocated above has to be the only way forward. Still awaiting for inactive DH to initiate counseling so as to find a way to full fulfilment in the marriage, not a bad marriage just disappointing, can't be bothered to be the first to poke that dungheap.

very, very insightful!!!
i really enjoyed what everyone has posted..i just started this disengagement n the pros that were posted here r wat i am about 2 enjoy..less stress, more sleep, some relief from anxiety attack, no more cringing when i hear that voice screech mooommmmyyyy!!!
i am so happy there r some strong women here... it makes me feel better n yes disengagment is awesome n i have only been doing it 4 a week!!!!
i truly love my h n i have never had as much fun with any1 else besides him...if i didnt find this site this week, i would not have known what 2 do n would have been having a nervous break-down..i thank my Father in heaven for letting me find such a support!!!

Disengaging is iffy. I think it`s a good temporary fix to get some relief, but more than this I feel like it is giving in. It is giving the biomom what she wants(for the step mother to be invisible and not a 'real' part of the family). It is solidifying the child's relationship with everyone in the family but you. You become a secondary person and they become primary to the household. They get a result from pushing you away.

I feel like if I am going to 'disengage', I am going to do it all the way. I am going to get my own place, and keep my husband, but never have to deal with his kid or ex ever again by not living together. This way, his issues with her don't touch me. What he spends on her wont affect me because I will be living of off my own income and he off of his. It will be like when we first met. Things were happy before we moved in together. I will have complete control over when I see her. I like to call this the 'weekend cottage' concept.

Otherwise, the pressure needs to be on the person who brought her in to this family to straighten her out.

Pros: You sleep better at night!
Cons: Not much will really change the way you'd like it to.

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about how SO's son would grow up and turn out with his unfortunate situation between parents and lack of overall attention. BM is insane and I couldn't see why my SO wasn't more passionate about gaining full custody and giving his son everything he'd need for that "perfect" upbringing. Then I stopped myself... I was the one losing sleep, getting upset, worrying about his future, etc.. They weren't. I had to disengage and shrug it off. Chalk it up to: They had a kid way too young, failed miserably at a marriage, both essentially grew up while tossing the kid back and forth. Now they've "grown up, moved on and started new lives" but the kid is still there. It's sad. Really.

I feel for you, you're not alone. My skids treat me like crap. SD and I don't even speak anymore, SS only when he comes over "to borrow money(yeah right). They know if it were'nt for my income they would'nt get crap. You need to worry about yourself. Treat yourself good u desrve it

@LRP75- I just saw this post(yeah I'm about 1 year late). I was JUST talking to my sister about this! I told her that I would be a dumbass if I thought that Dh would change from being a passive parent. He has always been around strong minded women(this included BSC BM). I told her that if this is the way that he is around SS15(no discipline nor consequences) then I will NOT have his raising our future daughter/son in this fashion. Glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. DH is a great husband but not an authoritative father. I am slowly coming to terms with that. He has no problem disciplining his niece/nephews; when it comes to his son, that's where the problems begin.