Although I think that the husband mentioned here is probably out of line, I do not agree with the comment that "kids come first." In my world (ideally at least), SPOUSES come first, then kids. If my DW had realized this, I don't think that her daughter would have turned out the way she did (pot-smoker, class cutter, dating gangbangers, lousy grades, etc.). By constantly putting her kid first, DW built up a huge entitlement attitude with SD17, who thought that she was better than everyone else, and didn't have to do anything unless she wanted to do it.

I agree with this as well. Everyone knows that children have very special needs, and that if they feel that their parent isn't focused on them, they can get very insecure. Parenting is such a balancing act of being there when you need them and gently pushing them out of the nest; letting them exercise some independence when they seem ready but reining them in if they're not as mature and ready for independent decision-making as they may think! All of this takes up a LOT of psychic energy for the birth parent and no relationship will work if the step doesn't recognize that and respect that time and attention.

That said, you're making a life with someone else. It's also his home. He has a right to feel like he's important to you, that his preferences matter in the home too, and that you're willing to communicate to the KIDS that he's important to you. You two are the adults running the house (this is where I think people get confused about "children first" vs. "spouse first," there's no way to take care of children if the adults aren't taking care of running the house healthily and happily, and that DOES mean caretaking their adult relationship too, not just worrying solely about the children to the point that they grow apart and end up single again! If you're not really partnering with your SO this way...well, then it's not really a partnership and they're just a guest who lives with you and your kids.)

It may seem easy to dismiss this as jealousy but it's apples and oranges. A romantic relationship with another adult is crazy to compare to a parent-child relationship. (If anyone is getting the same companionship from their child as from their SO, they have a real problem in my book!) So I really don't think it's about that.

You gotta ask him about it. It may be that some parenting methods you're using are freaking him out -- justifiably or no -- and he doesn't know how to confront you about where he thinks your kid is headed based on what you're doing. It could be that when you're involved with a child, you let everything else slip and the house gets trashed, or something. Parenting choices can be a toxic topic. How someone deals with their child is their business/choice and something they hold really closely...and can get hella defensive about. There was a period of time when, if I wanted to raise something with my SO, I had to say, "OK, I just want to ask a question here and it's really just a question," because I wanted to understand his approach to SD without him feeling attacked (which he usually did). You can talk to people calmly about just about anything else but do NOT ask why they're raising their kids the way they are! You better be ready for fire to be rained on you JUST for asking what's going on in your own house.

That may not be your issue, of course, but I guess my point is that I didn't get the feeling from your post that you really know what the issue is. I'd just raise it before things get worse. He has his own kids so he understands the parent-child bond...this is something else, I bet. He will probably be really glad you brought it up, since he seems uncomfortable doing anything but sulking! (Doesn't make him a hero...but if you want the relationship to last, just go ahead and break the ice.)

I made that mistake. It's a long story and i'm still going through this ten years later! Slowly my 2nd husband is coming around and trying to be who he should of been from the start, but we still fight over my youngest daughter. She has been the real adult all of this time and has had to grow up on her own. He has always had a problem with my close relationship with my son and daughter. He never could accept it. He would treat them like crap when they came over or ignore them and pout in his room. Today we argued about my daughter after she invited me over so she can make dinner for me. She lives with her father. She refused to live with me when i re married and has lived with her father , she was 10 when i remarried. We live about five to six miles away, so i try to see her as much as i can, the same with my son. His son doesn't want much to do with him and it has made it even more difficult. When she asked me to come over tonight, i knew SD would have a problem with it. I forgot that i had told him i would watch the game with him, but thought nothing of it, big deal, it's a game. I asked him if it would be ok if i go over there and he got pissed! We got into a huge argument like always. I spend each and every day with him and still it doesn't matter. He still puts me through hell if i want to spend time with her. For some reason , it has always been a problem with her! And it's because he knows she always needed me! This tears me up inside so badly. I try to make everyone happy and he makes sure to make it so hard for me by tearing at my heart strings. He has tried to do better, but after ten years there should not even be a problem, she is 18yrs old! He acts like a juvenile and he's 63yrs old! He plays games with me every time we get in huge shouting matches too, which makes me feel horrible. I have had deep depression for years because of him. He has made it difficult to leave for good, which is a long story. Because of my health i cannot start over. I have tried counseling and no one has been helpful. I just don't know what to do anymore. all i do is pray for Jesus to take me home.

OK. Well, he has major attitude problems. But it's interesting, he doesn't want you ALONE, he wants you with him and his whole family. I don't know him or the whole situation, but it seems like he wants to integrate the families actually more than you do. You say the kids don't have much in common...there's an argument that they WOULD have more in common if they did more activities together, not less.

That said, I completely do not blame you. (Just playing devil's advocate to try and see where his thinking might come from.) If he gets to see his kids all the time and you don't, he should be able to appreciate that and deal with it with a little more (or as the case may be, a lot more) maturity. For some reason it's making him insecure that you don't want to do all things together, like you're still keeping your "family" separate from him and his family, and this makes him doubt your commitment to building a blended family with him.

I think your problem is just really different expectations for what family life could/should be. He's not fussing because he can't have you all to himself, he wants you to go for a different family dynamic. My only advice would be to remind him how rare and precious your time with all your children is, and to try and make some plans that include everyone, and some that are private for just you and yours. Trouble is...I bet you've already tried that and he's just being thick in the head about the whole thing.

I really wish you luck. This stuff is so hard to work out when people have different expectations.

You are not doing anything wrong.

You tried to spend quality time everyone. Hell, you even tried to include him and his kids.

I bet anything if someone were to ask him to list the people in his family,he would list him, you and his kids. He's trying to get you to do the same.

He won't be happy until you push your kids away and just focus on him and his.