Depends, do you have a good relationship with the kid? Does he treat you with respect? Most importantly, will your assistance be appreciated?

If the answer to those questions is, "Yes." Then the answer to your question is, "Yes." If that is what YOU want to do and can afford it.

However, if you've been a despised and treated like crap for being a SM - then the answer would be no.

I agree that if finances r wholly separate it is nothing to u and will get poisonous if u get involved. But it's different if u r more dependent on each other. Try to ensure, if your finances r joined in any way via your budget or property you own together, that you are kept fully informed on and consent to the spends and, if you are happy for support to be given from joint funds, that it is properly attributed to a joint gift from both of you. If it is half your money and you're ok with its being given occasionally, I personally don't allow it to b called a loan cos everyone secretly knows it won't b paid back so why lie. I allow very modest occasional emergency amounts, funds permitting, because I wd want the same for my BSs. We're talking tiny amounts here though. My brother had a very gd system when his son was at college and asked for a sub. He told the son to draw up his budget for him and the SM to advise my nephew on (they r friendly w the BM too). They helped him analyse + perfect the budget then offered him a small short-term top-up til his next work opportunity. This worked well.

I have one word - RETIREMENT -

If you do not have enough then let the skid or kid figure out what to do - too many parents are going to be working until they are 100 if they don't let their kids become adults and make their own way in the world!! If they don't have enough to fly to see their father then they need to work to get the money to do it!!

I agree with Foxie, stay out of it. Shortly after DH and I got married, SD went off to college. DH was not making very much money then. I supported him financially so he could afford to send her to a 4 year college. SD would not even consider the cheaper route of 2 years community college, then continuing on at a more expensive college. She demanded it like she was entitled to the 4 year college. My help was never acknowledged by SD or DH. I managed to do pretty well in my profession without a degree. After she received her degree, she told me she looks down on people who do not have a degree and called them white trash.

Let DH, BM and SD figure it out.

Stay out of it. Many kids are going to college and getting degrees in Ancient Latin Literature or whatever using student loans and parents money. They should have started a career right out of high school because they'll never find a job using the degree.

Agree. You need to be pro-active with protecting your assets. Which would you rather be: completely broke and paying off your DH's debts or be an "ungenerous stepmom" but still have your retirement?

Your SD does have options: student loans, financial aid, her mother and extended family, getting a job, etc. She has the rest of her life to pay back loans. You, however, could lose your retirement and how much time do you have to re-coup it? Probably not much.

You said he made a committment to support his kid in certain ways? Is this a court order or just a verbal agreement? If it's a court order, could his financial situation be reconsidered and have the court order modified? Or maybe it's a matter of talking to BM and telling her there's a change in the finances and he cannot afford what he promised?

The bottom line is that you guys can't afford it. If you can't afford it then you cannot do it, period. Going into more and more debt is only going to make matter so much worse.

This can into a very sticky situation though! I had started saving for my BS college right after his birth and was able to support him through college. He was an excellent student and had scholastic scholarships so I didn't mind paying for everything so that he could focus on school. A few years later my SS barely graduated highschool and bio-parents wanted him to go to community college, neither of them had planned for this and long story short, I used some of my bio son's college saving's account to pay for SS. SS attended class for two weeks, dropped out without telling us so no tuition could be refunded. I very much resented that money I had saved for my own son was basically wasted. I would not advise paying for skids college unless you are willing to just hand over the money and walk away with no expectations!!