If he doesn't want to change, there isn't much you can do.

http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...

Yes! There is hope. Looking back in the past 2 years I think there are a few critical things. Let me say, up until we got married I thought I had a nice little bonding thing going on w/ sd 8 at the time. After we got married the wheels came off. She pouted, lied, manipulated, cried, glared, ignored etc etc. Took a while but now things are actually pretty great.

So here is what worked for me:
*Free yourself from expecting to love her unconditionally (or at all) and from others expectations that yall are little BFF's. She's not your kid. Expecting that you will like her, not to mention love her, is a tall order and one I just had to let go of for awhile. Wierdly, by doing that, I eventually found things I genuinely could like about her but as long as i felt "forced" -by myself or others expectations-I could not stand her.

*I had to realize truly she is a kid. I'd never hated a kid befoer in my life. sure, there were some that were annoying and I would want to see get lost, but like deep rooted mean spirited hatefulness I had never felt that way about a kid. I realized I was scapegoating my stepchild and putting my anger that I actually had towards DH for knocking up her idiot mother, for the debt he incurred from divorce etc, from the fact I would NEVER have normal newlywed life, etc etc...instead of being mad at DH for that, I was placing my anger on her. So unfair. W/ that put on her, she could NEVER win. I Had to put my anger in the appropriate place-tell DH that i think it SUCKED of him that he knocked her up, that I MOURN the loss of normal newlywed life etc etc and then Move on. In hindsight, after we got married I was in deep personal mourning for probably close to a year. Mourned that my husband already had a kid and that i would never be first, mourned that we would never be able to flit here and there like normal newlyweds can, mourn that my first year of marriage was full of custody battles and trying to repair/rent out "thier" old house.. People say "you knew what you were getting into"--no, you really dont-not until you're there.

*Deciding for myself what I wanted MY purpose to be in her life. I didnt care what the books had to say, what others thought a stepmom shoudl be life or whatever. I decided that when SD is 40, I wanted her to look back on her life and think of me being a certain type of person. I get to write that history for her now. And regardless of if she ever tells me or not, deep down, she will know what type of person I was.

* Not being her parent meant I had/have freedom to tell my husband that I'm going to see friends for the wknd, or I'm not coming home till late, or I'm not cooking dinner tonight. I dont ask permission to go off for the wknd, I let him know. She's not my kid and thus, the responsiblity and planning falls to him. If i can help, great, then I do. But I go and do things I want to do and that I enjoy. BTW, if i'm ever going out of town on weekend you can bet it's a weekend she's home w us. We have her FT and she's gone first and third wknds. I usually plan my trips to be gone when she's w/ us b/c I dont want to miss time w/ my husband when it's just us.

A lot of it does have to do w/ how the husband supports you as a stepmom and encourages you to take care of yourself and realizes in action and deed that you are not hte childs mother. But the things above are totally in our control and helped me so much. Our house really is easy peasy right now and I can honestly say I love SD. Good Luck. Dont listen to the naysayers!!

This can change with effort, this cannot continue like this, I spent time alone with my sd6, she was 4 when I met her and she was a nightmare, I spent quality time with her, picnics, bike rides, always included her in things, now she is a different child with me, a joy most of the time, your sd is only four and won't understand what is happening, with a bm like you describe she hasn't really had a chance has she? You know you could really make a difference to her life by being a positive female influence to her, I started with buying my sd a treat, whilst I don't believe in buying a childs affection, it did start things off.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Part of the problem is that SD is an only child. Only children don't have other peers/child companions in the house to commiserate with. Not that children talk things out like grownups do, but kids in the same situation can comfort each other just by being together.

I'm dealing with a 9 yr old SD in similar circumstances (been around since she was 7, not as young as 4 but a lot younger than she acts now). And her dad, like your DH, has been super permissive and indulgent because he's dealing with so much guilt. These parents somehow think that not enforcing any rule and being "nice" to the child all the time can make up for the past. I don't really think that's how it works, I think it's terrifying for small children to not get to feel the safety of knowing Dad (or Mom) is in charge. They are not equipped to handle adult stresses and decision-making, and when everything is "up to them," they end up more upset, not less. This is why spoiled children are never happy. It's SO not about putting the child first, it's ALL about the adult trying to make themselves feel better about what they've done in the past.

I had some success with my SD by letting her come to me. I never tried to force activities, but I also wouldn't give her too many choices (I would never ask, What do you want to do together?). For example, you could go over to the table with crayons and paper and say, "I'm going to draw for a little while. Do you want to draw with me?" And whether she says yes or no, draw for a little while. I'm telling you, eventually she will come over and join you. As soon as she figures out her father isn't going to disappear. Hey and if she doesn't put your drawing up on the fridge. It's your house too.

It's really, really hard and I feel for you. Most of the children I knew before SD were in healthy families with structure...until you've met a damaged child, you have no idea what you're in for. She has no idea how not to be bratty, she's too afraid to leave you and your husband alone to talk. You'll feel closer to DH if you talk about being the adults together, who have a little more perspective on her behavior, and just figure out ways to manage it, because I honestly don't think you can just flip a switch one day and be done.

And when it gets too frustrating, by all means, call up your friends and go out to a wine bar. You're not the genius who had a child with the wrong person. He should be grateful for your help, but it's his mess. If you try to force the love with SD and it doesn't work, you're all stressing out in your own home, and I know how terrible that is. Take the path of least resistance. You're the only one of the three of you who can.

Good luck!

Good on you for trying, I know that its a slow process, I always ignore tantrums, put them in their room and shut the door, tantrums are only ever about attention and should not be tolerated, you say she is "clingy" is that with Daddy and you or just Daddy? Something must be causing this, if she dosn't have proper "boundaries" that can cause insecurity, it is really up to your hubby to improve things, it sounds to me as though you have made a real effort, as for spoiling the child, that dosn't make everything that happened with her mother better, spoiling ruins a child it really does, I had to threaten to leave my bf if things didn't get better, I mean you are obviously not happy so its time to try something different, he certainly cannot say that you hav'nt tried, time for some effective parenting from him and not the "guilt" parenting that will essentially ruin her.

When a man says that the child is going to be first there is no hope in my eyes. You are not attached to this man with children of your own. Do yourself a favor and get the hell out and find a happy life for you. If your DH isn't willing to change and put your relationship first for the betterment of everyone involved you will never be as happy as you could with someone else.

I saw a saying the other day I will live by forever...Friends don't let friends become step parents. I would never do this again!

Good luck to you.

The only way we can get that "authority" is through DH, and he must give it to us by expecting and demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience and respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is what is meant by a supportive DH. Most of them THINK they are supportive, and many of US think they are supportive. But unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue and sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have NEVER had to be mothers, they don't know what we're talking about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same parents they were when they were married to their exes, things worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US! In some cases, we give these kids their first real taste of power. With their parents, they are willing to submit, because if nothing else, they fear the loss of their parents' approval. They feel no such need to have our approval. They find that with the mere shrug of a shoulder or a rolling of the eyes that they can turn a big strong adult into a raging maniac. By this time, we have become so frustrated, everything they do infuriates us. And in getting by with disrespectful behavior (and they get by with it because DH doesn't stop it), they are encouraged to even greater heights of disrespect, and they hone their cunning on us, gaining an even greater sense of power. We end up handing these kids tremendous power over us, on a silver platter, and they love it.
I would recommend continuing counceling! It WILL get worse unless you and your husband are on the same page with co-parenting!

so true "The only way we can get that "authority" is through DH,"

our degree of authority is only based on our support system. No support, no authority. Parital support, partial authority. Inconsistent support, inconsistent authority.

I find it sad that in the step parenting world, that so much truly depends on the DH's. It depends on his support to his new wife, depends on the parenting to his kids, depends on the boundaries to the BM, and in laws, etc...

really, think about it. Most of the time the kids are just doing what kids do, based on what they are allowed to do. kids are naturally selfish, push bounadaries, test waters, little adults. The skids behaviors are amplified because they go unchecked. sure, dh cannot control what happens at bm, but he sure can control what happens at his place.

yup, so much depends on dh. sadly, the most clueless person is also the most powerful.